#gender rambles

[bby-wants-blood]

Tossing that boygirl term around, something ab it feels right and rlly wrong. I think its that it identifies me as a girl ultimately and im not. Im jus like a boy or whatever. Incredibly heavy on the or whatever

I wish i didnt feel the need to label it. I know, ultimately, it doesnt matter but my brain clings to identitying things. Blegh

[dyketoevsky]

Legal disclaimer that I am not intersex I am just heavily traumatised and looking for reasons to have a crisis I suppose

I KNOW that there is nothing wrong with my uterus besides either endo or a cyst or something. I don't have PCOS. But my face and body are still spotty and oily and hairy, I still have an adams apple and deep voice, yet my testosterone levels (while high) are still normal. I was the first in my school to have a period and they were always heavy and irregular. My mother is on HRT and so is my grandmother while I am only on the pill. I have never had any surgeries or been analysed, yet the doctors monitored my puberty.

I don't look like a woman somehow, people look at me funny in the public bathroom and I don't know Why I don't fit in. I need to stop thinking about it.

[majestydeerakuma]

Bruh

I hate being AFAB

What do you mean one of our organs bleeds for a whole week and we’re expected to be 100%?!?!

[saintbia]

it actually disgusts me how quickly my classmates switched up on me.

i used to dress 2000s emo and use he/him pronouns.

now i’m the closest to “normal” i’ve ever been- just presenting fem again.

i was forced back into the closet.

my battle with gender identity is now a monster that i fear i’ll never reconnect with because of how it makes others feel about me.

my classmates treat me so much better now because i fit their definition of pretty.

but i already felt pretty the way i was before.

and now i’m mixed up with all the wrong people and basically everything is a mess because i wanted to fit in.

[saum0-0]

love the mechs fandom because i can entirely project my gender identity onto jonny but in reverse and like eight people in the reblogs will nod along like yeah yeah that checks out i'll incorporate that into my worldview

[autisticlee]

I was afab but my whole life dressing female always felt like a costume. dressing super masculine also does though. being dressed in between feels the most natural and comfortable. but wearing super feminine stuff feels the most like a costume. it's fun to dress female as a costume. like in cosplay. like i started cosplaying last year. I like to cosplay female characters because I get to put on that girl costume by choice and for fun rather than it being forced on me because of what I was assigned at birth and people/society decides for me or expects of me. since I did transition and changed my name/gender marker, there's now that same expectation from some people/society once again to perform and dress how they want and expect but masculine this time. so sometimes I also like to cosplay male characters as a choice to put on that costume.

gender is such a weird thing that makes me both want to tinker with it and disown it completely.

in general i'm just a nonbinary/agender (maybe even fluid between the two, and gender as a whole) person that doesn't feel particularly connected to gender and sees it as more of a demand from society that I don't agree or connect with and costume to perform by choice if/when I want.

[autoerotic-apoptosis]

Vitrification

"Why are dolls made of porcelain?"

The question hangs in the air like dust drifting through a sunbeam. The doll and it's witch alike are surprised that it would dare to question it's creation. The witch's eyes twinkle at the good question. Conversation is, after all, the reason the doll was given a mind with thoughts and a mouth to voice them.

"That's a difficult question to answer." She places her teacup down on a shadow. "Would you rather me attempt to spell it out in words or through a demonstration?"

Answering a question with a question comes as naturally to a witch as spinning silk to a spider. Andromeda is curious if her doll will do as it was made to do and continue conversation or whether it will actually seek out its own understanding. She is often fascinated by her doll's little quirks.

The doll places its teacup, bone dry, on a coaster in response. Its head tilts in mock contemplation.

"A demonstration would be best, no? You have said that 'words are only the map to true knowledge', would not a demonstration be more effective than any description? Perhaps you could do both?"

Andromeda must have been rubbing off on the thing. Every time she has her "teatime talk" with the doll, its cadence sounds more like her own. She's almost impressed with the logic that it has demonstrated.

"Okay then... Hand me your teacup."

She opens the sugar pot and leaves it in a sunbeam to let the sugar melt.

"I created this cup from the same clay I used to make you. I dug it from the river back behind the house. I dug it with my own hands."

She spins the molten sugar into candy floss and pulls the dust from the air into pot until the floss is evenly coated.

"I was to make you to have a companion as I drank tea, thus I had to make you a teacup. I had washed the clay until it was an off-white and very pure. Wood would not do, the corpse of a dead old thing is not something a witch should breathe life back into."

She pours some tea into the pot to dissolve the candy floss, leaving only the dusty cobwebs behind.

"Along with yarn or cotton, anything once alive or once part of the living often takes poorly to being given life once again unless the witch is very skilled."

The teacup is placed within the pot and is held firmly in place by the syrupy threads

"They will tear at their puppet strings as though they are being bound, all things that have known a life without such bindings will do so."

At this, the doll speaks up.

"Why would these dolls do such a thing? Don't they know it will destroy them?"

"Have you experienced pain yet, doll?"

"No, Mistress."

"Then it is another difficult thing too explain. The fear of bondage is much like pain, it is used to keep living things alive for as long as possible. It tells them when something might be causing harm to their body. You are lucky in that you have been made of something much tougher than flesh or bark. Pain is significantly rarer for something like yourself."

"Is that it then? Porcelain is used so the dolls do not feel pain?"

Andromeda sharply taps the inside of the teacup with her spoon and causes a small crack to form. A sister crack appears on the face of the doll and it winces from the new experience. "No. It is not to prevent pain. That is nearly a useful happenstance. It is, partially, that clay is the easiest dead thing to shape at will."

*Tap tap tap* The cup shatters into pieces and the doll follows suit. The cobwebs keep the many fragments exactly in place and prevent the doll from clattering to the floor. It tries to scream but no part of its throat is whole enough to make a sound.

"Primarily, it is because clay is the easiest thing to recycle."

Andromeda pours what is left of the tea into what used to be a teacup. As she swirls the tea she grinds her spoon into the sides of the thing. The tea and porcelain dust begin to combine into a brownish slurry. What's left of the doll is held in stasis, its now liquid mind bubbling in infinite agony.

"I do apologize for this. I know it must be quite uncomfortable. I have really come to appreciate our talks and the ways you surprise me. Your imperfections are far more interesting than anything I could have made intentionally. This way I can add imperfections without destroying you completely."

She looks into the pot with satisfaction. A perfect replica of the unfinished cup she made so long ago but now a speckled brownish green.

"I promise, you will remember each of our conversations. Since you technically haven't been taken apart, nearly remade without loss, you will maintain all your memories and personality. I'm just remaking you but better!"

She places the lid back on the sugar pot and leaves it in the sun to vitrify. By sundown her doll should be done and ready to take out of its mold.

Andromeda wonders what conversations they will have next time.

[helsex-moved]

For me androgyny has never been a goal despite being nonbinary bc they way being androgynous is always presented is 'i can't tell if you're a boy or a girl ' which still connects me to the binary and in a way that leaves the possibility of me being a girl

I'd rather be masc with my own wild and freakish style that makes people instead go 'good lord what are you'