𝑰𝑺𝑻𝑰𝑳𝑳𝑭𝑬𝑬𝑳𝑻𝑯𝑬𝑺𝑨𝑴𝑬 !
𖧷 summary: ex!geto can’t let you go and as much as you hate to admit it, you still feel the same.
warnings: angst, crying, mutual pining, semi toxic relationship, mentions of a toxic relationship, depressive symptoms, y/n needs to get a grip, smut in next part.
pt.2 here
𖧷 a/n: i haven’t written in years, be kind to me! 1.6k
i still feel the same
your heart's beating different
show me nothing's changed
kiss me like you mean it
i felt you slip away
last you seen suguru geto, you hadn’t actually seen him. your head was bowed and cradled in your hands as your thumbs worked to soothe your aching temples. hours of a seemingly endless fight has just ceased and in its wreckage, left you and suguru emotionally drained and unable to look at one another.
of course this isn’t the first argument, far from it. in the last three months of your relationship with suguru arguments just continued to spark from seemingly nothing, an ember to a flame every time. neither of you were really to blame, it just seemed that after spending so much time together you had exhausted all of the positives you could find in one another. the smallest things would take a good day and turn it into something unsalvageable. the worst part is that everybody could tell.
the bags that formed under his eyes from sleepless nights and listless arguments amounting to nothing, the permanent puffiness around your eyes from endless crying.
the glances between you both in public, the grimaces, the eye rolls that once used to be playful now replaced by barely concealed contempt. your friends exchanged glances over your shoulders, whispered about you when you would step off to ‘talk.’ all of it, it embarrassed you. you weren’t this partner, you weren’t this person. eventually, it pained you to look in the mirror, to look at him and your shared apartment- the life you happily shared together, all of it was too tender and now it was replaced by something callous. try as you might, you can’t even place when or how it became this way.
losing him was like losing yourself and the life you birthed together, the apartment felt emptier by the day and his familiar mess was absent and replaced by nothingness. you had lost your friends in a sense too, even if they would never admit it. satoru, ieri, toji and ryomen all knew him before they ever knew you and even if they’re polite and extend you an invite here and there they know you’ll decline because he’ll be there.
so now you sit on your couch, a month later, in the same apartment now devoid of all of his things and watch a show that you started together before everything fell apart- punishing yourself. pictures of you, him and your- his friends still hang in polaroids on your fridge, in frames lining your wall, in holiday cards in a box under your bed. even now, a month later, you find yourself wearing the only sweater he left behind. your hand conveniently reaching past all of your own to grab onto his every time. the most pathetic part of you was hoping he would use it as an excuse to stop by (he never did).
the show is playing in the background as pitiful white noise because you knew, deep down, that if he wasn’t there to watch it with you it was all pointless… that and the fact that your attention has drifted to your phone where you have his instagram pulled up on your burner account.
his story is filled with light, friends surrounding him- people you don’t even know or recognize from your three years spent together. his eyes are brighter, his smile was wide and his hair is a little longer and maybe you were a bad person but you hated it all. it just leaves you feeling like more of a stranger, who are these fucking people and how the hell do you not know them? what other parts of his life had he shut you out of before everything inevitably ended? you tap tap tap tap through his story from last night and while you admit, he’s not exactly doing anything wrong, it still makes your stomach twist to see his arm slung over the shoulder of one of his ‘friends’ you never met. it's all-consuming and it keeps you frozen in place, upset etched into your features, chest heavy and breathing labored. your eyes, against all of your wishes and all common sense and all self-respect, start to brim with tears again.
despite it all, you still felt the same as you did a month ago.
he wasn’t yours anymore, he could do whatever he wanted, you reasoned with yourself. the pictures weren't even inappropriate- hell, you’d never even been the jealous type- he was. but still, your heart sunk and a pathetic cry managed to break past your lips.
hey.
your heart skips a beat and a tear manages to fall as you stare at the drop down notification from sugu the name that you had yet to change, just another effort to live in the past. frozen, you quite literally don’t know what to do. the juvenile part of you wants to rush to respond, but thankfully your body is too slow to react to your impulses. thinking better of it, and keeping you stuck.
you wipe your eye with the cuff of his sweater and pull down into your notification center to stare at the text some more without fully opening your text thread with him. you stand, and drop your phone face down on the couch and dust yourself off. eyes finding your ceiling as your hands drag down your face in an attempt to bring you back into the present.
eventually, you grab your phone and sit back down on the arm of the couch this time and swipe to open the thread. you type and retype again and again and again just to settle on an uninspired and terse;
hi suguru
you drop the phone as if all of a sudden it became scolding hot and shoot up repeating your earlier ministrations, dragging your hands down your pathetically flushed face. you feel like a teenager, restless and embarrassed in the way only he can get you.
you've been kinda MIA
the text leaves you staring in disbelief, what does that even fucking mean? and there it is, the familiar irritation which once again, only he can get out of you.
well i mean, we broke up. how around did you expect me to be?
you stare at your phone, irate, waiting for his reply.
i don’t want to argue with you, y/n.
you sigh, running a frustrated hand through your hair. one hand finding its familiar place on your temple and falling the ritualistic rhythm of rubbing it in circles.
i’m not arguing, i just don’t know what you want from me. thought we weren’t talking.
sorry.
you apologize despite yourself and admittedly, pathetically just trying to keep him talking to you, to find out what it is he really messaged you to say.
i’m just trying to say everybody misses you… and you don’t have to stay away because you hate me.
your eyes widen at the message and you genuinely don’t know what to say. communication with suguru had never really been your strong suit. you stumble over your words, you lose your train of thought and everything always comes out wrong every time. where did he get the idea that you hated him? is that what he’s been telling people? mercifully, for the first time you manage to say exactly what you mean.
i don’t hate you.
you act like it.
i haven’t even seen you in a month, suguru.
my point
you broke up with me, suguru. you left me. i’m not sure what you want from me here.
like i said, everybody misses you.
do you?
what was once a fast paced conversation comes to a screeching halt once he clearly doesn’t know what to say to you anymore. why did you text that, you knew it would end the conversation. but your curiosity, or rather your desperation, get the better of you. and truly the answer to your question- that’s all you cared about. fuck everybody else, they hadn’t come over since the breakup, they picked their side but him. why was he texting you? after everything you had put each other through, and why was he texting you now? on a random thursday night at 6:12pm?
you rack your brain for answers he clearly won’t give you as you wait impatiently for him to text you back and your eyes, against all better judgement, drift upward on your screen. and the masochistic, self-punishing part of you that you've come to loathe so much brings you to the last message you sent him.
fuck you.
your eyes stay so glued to the message that you don’t even notice he replied to you for a whole minute. the message is staring back at you, shoving it in your face that those were your parting words. it literally makes your heart clench. for that to be the last thing you left him with, it’s an evil reminder of how things ended, how hurt you were and how desperate you were to make him feel the same.
your eyes, again, glossed with the beginnings of another set of fresh tears. and despite the sadness, anger at him still makes your face hot. you somehow manage to bring your eyes down to the last thing he said:
if i came over rn, would you let me in?
𖧷
a/n: lmk if y'all like it teehee, if you do chap 2 maybe in like a day or two ;p