#getting through depression

[cmx1000]

Buspirone and Hydroxyzine

After a decade of being med free I am finally learning to trust medication again. I've been taking Buspirone 15mg a day and Hydroxyzine on an as needed basis which is about 2 times a day right now. I'm on day 10 of meds and I'm not sure if the changes I'm seeing are from the meds or my own doing.

I'm still forcing myself to do certain things but it's working and making it a little easier to do each time I go to do said chore/task. Also I'm learning not to value my days as good or bad based off of productivity. Which is easier said than done.

I still document everything I do throughout the day to be able to see what all I spent my time doing and what I accomplished at the end of the day. I keep an Ableton Log, Reading Log, Learning Production Log, Med Log, everything. It's been helping me keep track of my tasks and goals and actually seeing the progress on paper. It hasn't become too obsessive yet so I still think it's healthy.

Before I even started meds I moved my therapy to every two weeks instead of every week because I've been doing better. That action alone makes me feel like I'm genuinely getting better. I don't have anything I'm spiraling over every week because I have learned how to train my brain to not worry as much. I wouldn't be able to say this about myself in Nov-Dec 2024. That's just how much progress I've made in the past three months though. It's working and I just have to keep trying.

I am changing and I'm making progress everyday.

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[cmx1000]

Wisdom Teeth/Dental Health

I haven't been to the dentist in over 11 years.(I'm 28) I have had a terrible history with orthodontics and a crowded mouth. I do what I can to take care of them now but for years when I was deeply depressed, I didn't.

My teeth are in terrible shape now and I have about six broken teeth in the back of my mouth, mostly wisdom teeth. Four of those six teeth are cracked off at the top of the root and I can't really use them to chew. I'm not sure when I'll be able to get them all removed.

Where I live it's very difficult to get your wisdom teeth out under anesthesia. I had an appointment in early September that I ended up walking out of because I couldn't handle being under only laughing gas and numbing shots while they pulled out my teeth. At this point I'm scared of me getting some sort of deep infection that spreads deeper than my mouth.

Because my teeth are so sharp in the back, the side of my tongue rubbing up against the ridges will make my mouth sore. Not having these teeth removed is changing what I can eat every day, how I chew, how I drink out of straws or cups. I have the option of going to the Emergency Room to have them removed but I'm now scared of being under anesthesia.

I plan to overcome that fear this year and figure out a way to get them removed not in an Emergency Room.

[cmx1000]

Getting Better Everyday

I’m doing a lot better. I’ve been more productive and actually participating in life. I’m finishing up a book called Wired for Joy by Laurel Mellin. It’s been teaching me why my brain works the way it does and how to get out of these lows I’m experiencing. I’m almost annoyed it’s working but I’m glad to see changes in myself. I may post some of the EBT (Emotional Brain Training) methods here. Or at least the chart and calculator that helped me so much.

The final pieces of the puzzle to becoming my new self are consistent exercise and quitting vaping. That will come in time. I’m gonna go skate this week and hopefully that helps open me up to doing it more often. I miss being outside but right now it’s hard to want to leave the house or be seen. I’ve always dealt with feeling like I’m being watched but I just haven’t made that step in skating in my neighborhood yet. I want to get comfortable skating again though…. Soon.

I am getting better everyday. I just have to keep going. I’ll be skating again in no time.

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[cmx1000]

Progress Day 11

I’ve been doing good for 11 days straight. Been productive for the most of them busy still taking time to relax and read.

I forgot my friends birthday, I feel terrible since I only have 2 friends and I’ll be in her wedding. I will make it up to her. I’ve been terrible with remembering anything unless it’s written down. I hate that I didn’t take the time to write it down when I remembered her birthday was coming up the week before.

I’ve been working hard on Ableton making some stuff I like. The finishing it completely part is the hardest for me write now. I have about 6 unfinished arranged tracks I just need to do final tweaks on.

I’ve been listening to a lot of artists on YouTube lately like spill tab and IVYOXYGEN. I've also been listening to this new artist Amira Elfeky, she’s pretty good too.

I’m about to finish my day with ableton, bong rips, and grocery shopping later.

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[cmx1000]

Decent Day

I was still productive today despite feeling really low energy. I may have a bit of an addiction to energy drinks at this point because I didn’t have one today and that’s what I’ve been blaming it on. I need to get back on mushroom supps maybe.

I wanted to take diphenhydramine earlier today when I got really low but I decided against it. I’m sick of losing days of time because I’m sedated. Even gabapentin has to be used sparingly because I’m scared I’ll get addicted.

I’m picking up a 4 pack of Red Bull. I’m gonna go home and hop on Ableton and I guess I’ll see if the energy drink actually has any effect on how much I can focus.

[cmx1000]

A Productive Day

I've spent the day reading and getting chores done around the house. I've taken the dogs out a couple more times today too just to get some outside time. I've taken probably 20+ bong rips today too so maybe that has made my day a little easier.

I'm reading the book Wired For Joy by Laurel Mellin. It's teaching me how to regulate my brain via tools from a method called EBT which means Emotional Brain Training. I like the way she explains each part of the brain, it helps me understand which part of the brain I'm using majority of the time as a result from being in "survival mode". I'm learning how to get out of that survival mode I've been stuck in.

Overall a good day so far. Very proud of the progress I’m making just with routine. I haven’t taken diphenhydramine or doxylamine during the day in probably over two weeks. I am getting better, I don’t want to be sedated constantly. Things are getting better.

Life is good.

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[cmx1000]

Getting Better Everyday/Consistency

I'm getting better everyday. I've been forcing more structure into my days, the structure I have lost over the past couple months. I've been working in Ableton consistently for 4 days now, putting in hours of work each day. I've been reading more and just trying to relax and take it slow and I'm starting to feel better. It's been hard for me to even focus on music with everything that's going on in my head but I think these past couple days it's been helping me escape more.

I have therapy again this Thursday. The first session last week went well, I like the building too. I know it helps to have someone to talk to every week so I'm going to stick with this for as long as I can. It's the first time therapy has ever been free for me so why not.

I had a great weekend I think. I was productive, I relaxed, I made 4 tracks I'm proud of. I'm making progress. I've been listening to a lot of Aphex Twin, MCR-T, and Mietze Conte. Also for the past couple mornings I've been jamming to DJ Bax's Gucci Flip Flops remix track, that and Digital Love by Daft Punk get me hype in the am.

I am getting better everyday.

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[cmx1000]

Today is a good day.

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