Love ❤️ is odd. Pain is Real.
We often love folx that don’t deserve our love. We care about folx that don’t deserve our care. It’s not reciprocated. When it’s not reciprocated, and you feel the sting of rejection and your heart is slashed into pieces you realize the pain is real. The love was fake. Hurt folx hurt folx. Broken folx can’t be together, well maybe a small percentage can. I just don’t think broken folx should be together. They’ll hurt each other and themselves. At least there’s a high chance of someone if not both folx involved being hurt.
Months later (and I mean months, going on 6 months) the pain is still very REAL! That shit doesn’t seem to disappear. I mean yeah a nigga is feeling better, physically my health is improving and my mental is catching up. But...I’m still heart broken over the first person I actually cared about and loved (or was attached to) cuz I’ve never felt like this over anyone. Not even with this other person....in my previous situations (cuz none of them were real relationships, hell neither was this one) but yeah in my previous situations I wasn’t really there. Like I don’t really like most of the folx I’ve talked too. I just saw them as physically attractive and used them as a means to appear cisgender and heterosexual (you know aka normal ???).
I guess it’s karma. Cuz I’ve played a lot of guys in my lifetime and I am wrong, and was wrong for that. Being real I’ve could’ve been married years ago cuz I’ve had guys that were seriously committed and the real loving types that I devalued, created scenarios in my head to not like them anymore, and dipsetted on them. I am sorry and I realize now how wrong I was for doing that and how I hurt them :/ it wasn’t always that I didn’t care....I was afraid of rejection and abandonment, I didn’t feel worthy on type of being in the closet (I played the Cisgender/heterosexual) role for years :/ smh 🤦🏽♂️ not anymore.
Not giving excuses for my fuckshit and toxic behavior. Just giving a reasoning behind my actions and fucked thought process. It’s crazy you don’t see how fucked your ways are until you get a taste of your own medicine. I met my match , and he showed me a lot , he reminded me of myself in many ways. Hella closeted issues and trauma, when he talked I actually listened. I wanted to his forever shoulder, and being real I never cared deeply about a guy ever in my life like I do with him.
All of the mind games was draining and mentally abusive. I get it though, cuz I did the same shit to him and to other guys/folx. I played mind games with myself , shit I still have issues. Now, I’m in therapy, eating healthier, getting sleep, waking up early, staying committed to myself, working on medically/physically transitioning. I’m finally out the closet Frfr and attempting every day to live my authentic self.
I’ve come to realize I have severe gender dysphoria for years, probably most of my life. Hence why I’m always self conscious about my body, and how I’m perceived by others due to my perceived gender on top of having severe anxiety and depression. Ya di ya di yah yah....anyways here’s another long ass dairy post from my trans and heartbroken ass.
