#giver shit

[mediocrehomebrewmtg]

[meganevaloud]

early last spring

sometimes i still feel like a little girl. wondering whose feelings were going to be consequences for which arbitrary line i hadn’t crossed yet.  wondering how long i had to wait before i’d be grown up.  once i pictured myself as an adult when i was quite small, i had on a blazer and a pencil skirt, a navy set with a pale blue button down shirt and my hair was a straight brown bob (likely a vestige from a movie character or auntie angela or something) and i carried a messenger bag.  not a purse.  and i walked down the city street past a building that looks like the vancouver art gallery - i remember the steps and the lions.  and i was alone and i don’t feel like i knew my family.  and i’m not sure that i was sad about it either.  which is a sad thought in itself because i do love my parents and my brother.  but i was feeling the feeling of not needing them.  

is it possible to be grateful and dissatisfied simultaneously?  incidentally, is it wrong?  just wondering lol.  i’ve been experimenting and it occurred to me that what this is called is that thing i used to do.  being creative.  i feel like i’m making progress these last couple days that i’ve withdrawn but in a completely different way.  i’ve withdrawn to listen, not to muse and brood and otherwise monologue miserably in my head.  i think i can renounce this behaviour, i don’t know that it falls under the same category as resenting what happened to me.  incidentally i don’t want to do that anymore either, i remember feeling mad at tyler for coming into my life and wasting a bunch of my time and money and energy but really, i’m angry at myself for staying so long and indeed. summoning him in the first place.  longing for him came from an entitled place of self-indulgence.  i know better now, i know i’d much rather be part of the universe and know and embody the truth.  and i’d much rather spill over and fizz love all over everything i touch.  like a shaken up fountain drink.  pshssssshshshshhhhhhhh lol! and here’s another thing; here’s another rule: i’m not talking about a box that i fill when i talk about being anxious or highly sensitive.  i’m not talking about some description i fit.  i’m just talking about myself.  my existence.  nothing else.  

to know the gift you’re given and the work you do, to feel such conviction as to be certain the world would fall into chaos without it.  or at least, your world would.  i remember when what i used to do felt so necessary the way breathing does.  

today i was carving and i can feel my mind go silent and still and vacant.  it was amazing, i think it’s one of the first times in years.  tiny glimpses of still and calm.  and it’s been almost thirteen years since i first saw the highway to tofino and ukee.  thirteen years since i said i must drive that highway and in two days i’m going to do it.  and that is truly exciting.