I’ve always had the hardest time saying the word “fat” exactly because of shit like that. Especially since my mother is overweight, and is something she seriously struggles with.
So it was always a bad word for me. But one day, my mother said “it’s okay if you say fat” and like, it was a surprise for me, cause I didn’t even realize until then that I was completely avoiding the word.
People can develop really unhealthy relationships with words and concepts and it can affect us in so, so many ways.
Even though I’ve never weighed more than 150 in my life, I struggle somewhat with food and eating and such. And my struggle is much more mild than a lot of people I know. But that shit is so insidiously pervasive, even in households that don’t follow Diet culture very well. I’m thankful I was never asked or spoken to about dieting and whatnot. My mom never really cared for Diet culture. But even then it’s something that just slowly filters in from everywhere else, and it’s so damaging.
And since realizing my issues regarding gluten, it’s become much worse. Because now I’m having to be mindful of literally everything I eat and how it affects my body and it’s exhausting. And it’s attached to diet fads and hell, half of the information about gluten sensitivity or celiac disease is about fucking losing weight. I’m pretty sure it’s directly because of this I’m developing some anxiety towards food and it’s hard.
Because I would typically eat when I needed to, but since learning about gluten issues, I tend to avoid food until particular times, or I obsess over getting enough protein and fiber, and it’s affecting my relationship with food so much. I just become so depressed over this shit sometimes.
This post is an abolsute rambly ass mess but I have feelings that are so hard to acknowledge and articulate.
I’m pretty sure I have mild cycles of not eating and slight binge eating. And I struggle to work with it. Ugh.
