the vibes at the party are rancid now. all of the other goddesses are rolling their eyes, of course these three, these insufferable three, it's always these fucking three, and their gigantic egos. surely artemis deserves a little acknowledgement sometimes, though she's too aloof to fight for it like a child. then there's iris, who is literally the rainbow, and even apollo is downright gorgeous, but he's too confident to need some silly trophy. finally there's thetis, the literal bride. you'd think that just for one day everyone could pretend. have some decorum. put aside their pride and make the bride feel special. she's putting on a brave face but you know she's pissed.
"ladies!" you stride into their midst, dodging blows and scratches, and pluck the apple from between them. pulling out your trusty pocketknife, you cut slices to distribute to every guest at the party.
"fuck you!" one goddess cries. "killjoy!" someone throws a tomato at you. then more fruits are hurled (none of them apples). hermes escorts you from the party, telling you you're lucky bastard to escape unscathed. those goddesses do bad shit to people who annoy them.
eris is out there too, sulking. "eris."
you tell her what happened.
"it sounds like they're back to partying again," eris says, sighing. "fuck... i was hoping for a little war at least. maybe a city burning or something., a nice siege..."
"i know, i'm sorry," you say. "i just wanted everyone to be happy."
eris contemplates this, nodding. "maybe you're the fairest all along." she says. she takes another golden apple out of her pocket and passes it to you.
with your trusty pocketknife you cut it, and give her the other half.
