The child care milestone
So this week, I took the plunge and went back to work. I got a job last year and last week I finally started. It’s only part time job but it is something. I am going to work. To be honest a part of me is really content with being a stay at home mum, I like the life, but there are two reasons I went back to work. One, my daughters father does not pay one cent in child support, not one and so to avoid struggling with my finances I like many others, must work, this is the main reason. And two, we live in a world that is obsessed with everyone having a career, people are so proud of me now that I work, they think I am moving forward or something. Personally I am doing it to have more to do not because I am really career driven. I am not that kind of person and I think that’s ok.
Anyway moving along, me going back to work means that my daughter will be looked after by different people. My dad, her grandfather will take one day, close family friends will take another and she will go to child care for one day.
The child care process is a long process, child cares in this country have long ass waiting lists so I started looking into them as soon as I started looking for work, I didn’t even have a job yet but I needed a child care ready to go. Once you have a child care then you need to have several orientation days so that your child gets use to the centre before their first day. Willow’s first day was yesterday and the whole night before I was just holding her and telling her how much I loved her and telling her to give child care a chance. You see child care is actually an extremely emotional process too. It is the first time you’re leaving your baby the whole day with people you don’t know very well. Willow has seen this coming too, in the orientation sessions she is there for one hour without me. I sit in another room as she gets use to the child care. I can hear her cry most of the time and my heart just turns inside out. How can I do this to the little human I love most? Is it even worth it? The answer is yes, I have to do this to save money to eventually buy a house of my own, and in the long run she will learn to love it, it has a playground and lots of toys and she will make so many friends. I keep telling myself this.
There is a week in between her actual start date and orientation and in between she had to be babysat three time as I had officially started work and each time I heard from my friends and family that she had cried quite a lot and she was upset when she couldn’t find me. In one way I tell myself that this is ok, at least she always will look for mummy, that’s assuring but on the other hand I feel so bad that I have to leave her. Willow and I are quite a tight unit, being a single parent I am solely the person she learns on. We do almost everything together and with co sleeping she doesn’t even have that separation at night. But that’s how we work and how she likes it, I am happy to be her world as she is mine.
By time it is child care day I get her ready and hold her tight and laugh with her, I tell her how much I love her and how I’ll be back to see her in the evening. My mother is the one who actually drops her off and picks her up as my shifts start early and finish late. I hold in my tears as I go to work telling myself working is going to create a better future for us. I called twice during the day, the first time they told me she cried a lot and was struggling, my heart dropped and I just prayed the day got better. The second call had better news, she had a two hour nap with the other kids and was now eating her afternoon tea, she hadn’t had much during the day but finally was settling in. When I finished work I rushed home and saw her in the driveway with my mother and when she saw me she squealed “MUMMY’S HERE!” in her high pitched girly excited voice and she reached out for me and put her little arms around my neck, as I picked her up and held her, and kissed her face. My insides were singing, day one of childcare was done and she was ok, we missed each other but it was ok.
I remember in my mother’s group the other mothers telling me how hard it was to drop their little ones off to childcare for the first time, some of them cried and it broke their hearts. I couldn’t relate back then, but I can now. It’s no easy milestone but if you want to go back to work it has to be done. I also kept in mind that lots of mothers go through this and that the child care takes care of the children. Willow was in good hands, it’s just a matter of time and getting use to being apart for a few hours during the day.
