Month 20 - Leaffall
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Scorchplume woke, as she often did, to the sliver of morning light that managed to make it’s way through the curve of the tunnel into Goldentar’s den. She and Goldenstar were tangled up with each other amongst the moss and feathers of the nest, Goldenstar’s chin resting upon her flank and rumbling softly with every purring breath.
Scorch shifted slightly, twisted so that her front half lay pointed up towards the ceiling, and sighed. The terror of last night had faded with her high and now she was left only with the complicated mess of the aftermath. The first step, she rationalized, was to decipher what she actually wanted from the situation. Only then could she effectively work towards a solution.
But what did she want?
The question shouldn’t have been so perplexing but, for some reason, she couldn’t easily find the answer. She wanted Goldenstar, that much she knew, wanted things to stay the same between them. What she had was good, even when she was sinking into paranoia. And she wanted to stay friendly with Yarrowshade. He was her first friend in the Clan, the cat who understood her the most. She didn’t want to lose that. She didn’t want things to change between them.
Or did she? She had been feeling drawn to him more and more, pushing down strange, affectionate impulses for a few weeks. Their strangeness lied in how completely non-sexual they had been. She was starting to come to terms with her reawakening libido even if she hadn’t been brave enough to actually indulge it yet, but she had no idea what to do with urges to snuggle and twine tails. With Goldenstar, they made sense, she was doing what her partner expected of the relationship, but to have the urge for someone else completely unprompted? It made no sense. She’d never experienced that kind of thing before.
Interrupting her swirling thoughts, Goldenstar yawned and stretched out over her hind quarters before slumping down against her side again. Scorchplume turned to look at her and found her smiling back.
“Morning,” croaked Goldenstar in a voice scratchy from sleep.
“Morning,” hummed Scorchplume, one side of her lips twitching upward in a brief, half-hearted smile.
“You okay?” asked Goldenstar, shifting into a more upright position, propped up on one elbow.
Scorchplume shrugged. “I guess so.”
“D’you wanna talk about last night?”
“Not really.” She let her gaze drift back to the ceiling of the den and sighed. “I wish I could just go back and undo it all.”
“I’m sorry.” Goldenstar adjusted herself to face the other way so that Scorchplume’s head was framed perfectly between her forelegs. She gently traced one paw back and forth over the curve of Scorch’s shoulder as she said, “You really didn’t do anything wrong, though. You’re not gonna get in trouble for saying how you feel.”
Scorch rolled her eyes shut. “I know that now,” she said, irritation with herself creeping into her voice, “It’s more that Yarrowshade’s gonna be all weird around me now and I don’t want to deal with it.” Not only that, but she was going to feel weird around him too.
“Ah…” Goldenstar frowned sympathetically.
“Like, I can’t unsay that,” continued Scorch, eyes open. “I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me, it just… slipped out.”
“Nothing’s wrong with you,” laughed Goldenstar, “you have a crush. That’s completely normal.”
Scorch growled in frustration and flicked her tail. Still, here in this quiet, tender moment, insisting that she had no feelings at all felt… harder than it had last night. “This is why I don’t do relationships,” she grumbled. “Things get too complicated. I get fenced in. It’s better to just… mess around with whoever, no strings attached.”
“Well, if that’s what you really want, you can do that,” Goldenstar said. “What’s stopping you?”
“I-” Scorch sighed, no answer coming to mind. “I don’t know. Nothing works the same as it used to. I hate it.” She groaned and rolled over into a sitting position and Goldenstar wasted no time in grooming the side of her neck. She sighed into it, closing her eyes as she tried to let herself enjoy the pressure against her pelt. She took a slow, deep breath -- let it pull her back to the edge of sanity.
“Change is scary,” Goldenstar said between strokes. “But I feel like things are better than they used to be, aren’t they? Relationships are a lot of work but they’re also really rewarding. Maybe you should try them.” Scorch twitched her tail.
“As if I haven’t been trying since newleaf,” she scoffed.
“And?” Goldenstar leaned around to look her in the face. There was a bit of a flirty glint in her eyes but she did seem genuinely open to hear the answer, whatever it was.
“And I’m terrible at them!” Scorch groaned, shifting to look at her head-on. “I get cornered, I snap, I panic over the smallest things. It’s a nightmare.”
“But that’s not relationships,” Goldenstar shook her head, “that’s all the shit Razor did to you hanging around like burrs in your fur.”
Scorch grimaced at his name and shook her head to look at the wall. “Well, Razor’s dead. I shouldn’t constantly feel like he’s haunting me.”
“Why not?” shrugged Goldenstar, licking her cheek. “That stars-damned fox-heart hurt you bad. Wounds take time to heal, even if you can’t see them.”
“Ugh,” groaned Scorch. “Stop being so understanding. Why can’t you just tell me to shut up and we’ll be done with it?” She flopped backwards against Goldenstar’s side and shut her eyes tightly.
“Becaaause,” Goldenstar sing-songed, “I loooove you.” She nibbled at Scorch’s neck teasingly and Scorch couldn’t help but laugh and squirm.
“Stop it!” she squealed, pushing Goldenstar away until she relented.
Purring, Goldenstar rubbed her temple against Scorchplume’s and said, “It’s true though. I love you, Scorch. I want you to be happy. If that means you get with Yarrowshade too, then so be it.” She curled her tail around Scorch’s flank and pressed a short lick to her head.
“You make me sick,” joked Scorchplume to avoid giving a real response.
“Scooorch,” Goldenstar admonished, still teasing, but there was a serious undertone. She wasn’t getting out of this one.
“Ugh,” she growled and sank her claws into the moss. “You’re insufferable, you know that?” She glared up at Goldenstar and found a very unimpressed expression waiting for her. “Fine. What do you want from me? Do I need to go jump Yarrowshade’s bones or something?”
“Is that what you want?” asked Goldenstar, raising one brow.
“I don’t know!” Scorch cried, throwing her paws up helplessly. “I mean… no. Honestly, just thinking about it makes me sick.” She didn’t want to associate Yarrowshade with teeth in her scruff and oppressive heat bearing down from all sides. Even considering the possibility made her stomach flip and churn.
“Okay, well then what do you want?” Goldenstar gently licked the top of her head to bring her back to herself and she sighed in relief. Despite all of the terror that came with being exposed like this, she realized that it was nice that Goldenstar could anticipate her needs like that, that she was willing to show up for her when she needed it.
“This, I guess…” she shrugged. “This quiet, easy closeness we have.”
“Then tell him that,” shrugged Goldenstar. “He’s not going to be mad or push you for more.”
“I know,” sighed Scorch, “it just feels so… stupid.”
“But it’s not,” purred Goldenstar, pressing little licks over her face. “It makes me really happy that you’re learning what you want and how to ask for it.”
“Really?” Scorch tried to find her eyes. “You really don’t mind at all that I’ve got… feelings for your best friend?”
“Nope,” Goldenstar chirped brightly. “Stars, it makes me really happy! Two of my favorite people are going to be even happier than before.”
“That’s crazy,” said Scorch, still unconvinced. “Nobody really feels that way.”
“I do,” shrugged Goldenstar. “It’s not like you’re leaving me for him. What is there to be sad about?”
“I don’t know,” Scorch shook her head aimlessly. “Won’t you get jealous? Won’t he be jealous of you?”
Goldenstar laid her head overtop of Scorch’s and hummed thoughtfully. “Well, I can’t say what Yarrowshade may or may not feel, but no, I won’t be jealous. You and Yarrowshade spending time together doesn’t take anything away from me. It’ll be alright.”
Scorch sighed tiredly -- far too tiredly for having just woken up.
“Just do what makes you happy,” said Goldenstar. “Let me know when you change your mind about things but don’t feel like you need my approval. You’re my partner, not something I own. I love you.”
“I love you,” Scorch mumbled, and she meant it. After a long beat of just breathing and listening to Goldenstar breathe, she asked, “What should I say to Yarrowshade?”
“Tell him what you told me when we got together,” said Goldenstar.
“That he’s too soft?” she cocked a brow skeptically.
“No, no,” laughed Goldenstar, “lay out exactly what you want and what you don’t. He’ll do the same and if they line up then you’re good to go.”
“That’s it?” Scorch scoffed in disbelief. “I just walk up and say, ‘listen up, dummy, I want to do cutesy garbage with you. What do you want?’”
“Sure,” shrugged Goldenstar. “Why not?”
“‘Cause that’s weird?”
“Eh, he’s a weirdo. He’ll understand.”
“Ugh,” Scorch groaned and put her paws over her eyes. This entire thing was a nightmare designed to torture her specifically.
“Come on,” Goldenstar chuckled, standing up so that Scorch slid off of her side and into the nest. “Let’s invite him to share breakfast.” Scorch groaned again but with Goldenstar up and about, staying and rotting in the nest was a great deal less enticing than before.
“Fine,” she sighed, heaving herself to her feet and giving her fur a quick groom while Goldenstar stretched. Once she was done, Goldenstar twined their tails together and they padded out into the sun side by side.
The early morning patrol had just returned and the freshkill pile was well stocked. Scorchplume realized suddenly just how hungry she was and quickly picked out a starling that smelled appetizing. Goldenstar grabbed a mouse and turned to survey the camp.
“Wonder where he is,” she hummed.
“Who?” asked Pantherhaze, sitting a short ways off and grooming between his toes.
“Yarrowshade,” said Goldenstar. “Seen him?”
“I think he’s still in the den,” said Pantherhaze.
“Thanks,” Goldenstar smiled. Scorchplume took a slow deep breath to steady herself. Goldenstar looked at her and said, “I’ll go get him, you find us a spot, okay?”
“Sure,” Scorch flicked her tail, trying to lift herself up with confidence. She could do this. It wasn’t any different from negotiations. Still, her heart was thumping in her chest and her paws felt sweaty as she went to sit beneath the Stoneperch and wait.
After a few moments, Goldenstar and Yarrowshade emerged from the warriors’ den and came to join her. Yarrowshade was smiling nervously and Scorch forced her own, tight-lipped smile. What did you say to him, Goldie? she wondered.
“Hey,” she called, trying to sound normal, “How was the rest of the party?”
“Fine, I guess,” Yarrowshade shrugged. “Mostly, Charredbranch complained my ear off because Greyvoice was flirting with Robinswoop but that’s not important.” He shook his head as he settled down across from her. “How are you feeling?”
Why did that have to be his first question? she nearly groaned.
“Fine,” she said on instinct, then amended, “Better. Sleep helped.”
“Yeah,” he nodded, “It’ll do that.”
Scorch nodded in kind, then slid her starling towards him. “Here. I… I was thinking we could share.”
“Oh, thanks,” Yarrowshade said as if he’d just noticed the food for the first time.
Goldenstar smiled and nestled down against her side to eat, there but not quite engaged in their conversation. It was clear that she wasn’t going to do this for Scorch. She took a deep breath and then forced the words out.
“Look,” she said matter-of-factly, “the last thing I want is for things to be weird between us, alright?”
“Yeah,” nodded Yarrowshade. “Agreed.”
“Good,” she said, swallowing against the lump in her throat. “I’ve talked about it with Goldenstar and decided that…” she grasped for the words, “I am interested in… pursuing some kind of… arrangement.”
“Okay,” he said, listening carefully. For now, the food between them sat untouched.
“It would be completely non-sexual,” she said firmly. “Strictly contained to things like nest-sharing and tail-twining. And there would be no labels.”
“Okay,” he nodded.
That word was starting to get on her nerves. “And that’s all. What do you think?”
He nodded slowly a few more times, letting his eyes rove the middle distance between them. “I mean, yeah,” he said eventually, “That all sounds good to me. To be honest, though, I’m not sure that like… something without sex is gonna be enough for me?”
Scorchplume’s chest tightened like her ribs and lungs were at war.
Thankfully, Yarrowshade continued, “But, like, I totally understand why you feel that way and I don’t want to pressure you or anything. I guess I just wanna make sure you’re cool with it if I end up seeing someone else as well.”
“Of course,” she said, trying to stop her heart from beating out of her chest. “I’m seeing Goldenstar. It’s only fair.”
“Okay,” Yarrowshade gave a sigh of relief, nodding once more. “Great.” Goldenstar gave Scorchplume’s shoulder an encouraging squeeze with one paw.
“And you’re not just saying that to appease me,” Scorch clarified, “you are actually interested in being more than a friend to me, yes?”
“Yeah,” he assured her, brow furrowing seriously, “I mean, I haven’t really thought about you that way since we first met but it’s not a hard adjustment to make. You’re awesome, Scorch. Anybody would be lucky to be with you.”
“Damn right,” she said haughtily, finally feeling like the tension had started to ease. She pulled the starling close and took a bite, once again reminded that she was starving. She took another bite, let herself breathe out through her nose afterwards, and some of the tension started to drain from her body.
Yarrowshade smiled and reached out to pull the starling back over to him but she sank her claws in and held it in place, making him frown in worry.
“The bird is staying right here,” she said. “If you want to eat, you’ll have to move closer.”
Goldenstar gave a purring laugh and said, “Get used to that, Yare. She’s a bossy one.”
“Oh, I know,” he chuckled. “That’s alright, though. I don’t mind being told what to do by a pretty lady.” He bounced his eyebrows at Scorch and she rolled her eyes.
“Good, because I need you to shut up immediately,” she scoffed.
“Yes, ma’am,” he said, scooting closer to lean against her side and eat. She swatted him in the face and shook her head. Goldenstar had finished her mouse and reclined across Scorch’s back half to sun herself as she and Yarrowshade ate. It was peaceful, being surrounded by the two of them.
She took a deep breath, leaning her head over Yarrowshade’s, and sighed. As much as she protested, she couldn’t deny that she was happy right now, happier than she had been for years. Maybe there were benefits to these kinds of things.