I feel as though what drives most rude / inconsiderate behavior I experience IRL on a day to day basis comes from a place of having this unearned and unnecessary sense of urgency in situations that aren't actually urgent. I think if more people became aware of this completely unnecessary sense of urgency in situations that actually aren't urgent, it might make co-existing and sharing public spaces with other people a lot easier and more tolerable.
That text post that's been making the rounds that goes something like "Omg you made it to the same red light as everyone else but faster and more dangerously and recklessly, should we call nascar? Do you want a medal?" summarizes exactly what I'm trying to talk about.
It's like when I have to change buses at one of the bigger and busier bus stops, and the people who get off the same bus as me shove and elbow past me to get off before me, and then shove and elbow past anyone even slightly in their way on the way to the bus they're switching to, only to end up on the same bus as all the people they shoved and elbowed, with several minutes to spare before it leaves and plenty of open seats left.
I think this unnecessary urgency a lot of people feel in their day to day lives drives a lot of bad behavior. I'm not saying I'm innocent of this (is anyone?), I've felt it too in plenty of situations that didn't call for it, and regrettably was less kind than I should have been as a result. But I try to be aware of it, and always try to ask myself it it's really as urgent as my lizard brain is trying to tell me it is, and even if it was urgent, does that still justify unkind behavior?
Is shoving or elbowing another person aside going to make the difference between whether or not you make it to the bus before it pulls away? (hint: at least where I live, most of the time that's a no because the drivers usually won't leave if they see people from another bus heading towards their bus). Is shoving and elbowing people aside in a crowded grocery store going to make any real difference in how quickly you get your shopping done?
Does a few extra seconds of time actually justify cruel and unkind behavior towards people you perceive as slightly inconveniencing you?
It’s such a beautiful trait of the Prophet ﷺ how he would give his undivided attention to those he would talk to. He wouldn’t just turn his face but he would turn his whole body and make everyone feel like they were his favourite. Something i think we tend to fall short in.
Disclaimer: I'm autistic and I over think and over talk about things. This post is so long, but my biggest special interest is other humans and I obsess over relationship dynamics. (Relationships meaning ANY human-to-human interactions.)
I am writing this bc I am genuinely confused, kinda hurt, and curious if I've ID'ed a relativity recent cultural change and if so, what's driving it? And how can I deal.
Here goes, what happened to apologizing? As a basic act of human decency? Full inquiry under the cut.
So where have apologies gone in customer service positions when you've actually fucked up, I mean, specifically?
I promise this is not "kids these days!" or "no one wants to work anymore!" shit. I know that front line customer service jobs are THE WORST. I worked them for 8 years (fast food and retail). I get how awful customers can be. I've observed how treatment of folks in these roles is worse now than ever.
When I'm out in public, I'm really nice...like really really nice. I can be a menace to people I know when I'm in a bad place, but the last thing I wanna be is contributing stressors to folks in customer facing roles. Yet I eat a lot of fast food and thusly, people make my orders wrong a lot. If it's a small error, I just deal and move on. But more often it's a case of not getting all the items we paid for--which I can't afford to do. But also even when I have it all, I can't always DEAL and eat stuff made totally the wrong way, so I often will return and ask that I get what I actually ordered.
That's no big problem. It's annoying, but I have the emotional fortitude and patience to get over it and advocate for myself, kindly and politely. This involves sometimes driving all the way from home, back somewhere I just left to get what I ordered.
And somewhere along the way, I realized that no body was apologizing anymore. Like at all. I travel frequently for work so I've observed it not just where I live in Texas or where I go regularly to see family in Indiana, but also in CA, CO, FL, NM, and NV now too.
The ole brain which collects data I don't want to and patterns that don't matter has told me that BY FAR the most common response in these moments is that the person at the counter/window kinda stares blankly at me, goes to grab the correct item and silently thrusts it at me and waits for me to take it and walk away. And even after I thank them, 0 words are said to me.
I don't know how to say it other than it feels dehumanizing. I don't need anything fancy--but I'd like to be treated like a fellow human being standing there, at the very least.
I'm not talking about being a fawning sycophant to me.
I'm not asking for free shit.
I'm not wanting anyone to get in trouble or be blamed.
I'm not saying that an irate customer should be apologized to.
I'm just looking for what, to me, is a very normal, human kindness response of a quick, "Oh sorry about that! One sec..." type thing when the other person has also given them basic human kindness.
It's happened again today, so I feel like I'm losing my marbles. And it's been making me upset enough that my partner and I did a count of this over the past 2 months ish and it has now occurred 7 times out of 8 situations. (One person said sorry very kindly. I almost cried tears of joy on the spot like a freak when they did.)
I mean this next part so sincerely--what's happening? Is it anticipation that the customer may be a jerk bc that's what's usual? It is generational shifts? Is it changes in corporate training practices?! I'm grasping at straws bc I desperately want to know WHY.
I quite literally CANNOT operate in public the way that they are, to anyone, ever. If I bump into someone extremely lightly, I'm already apologizing before I can even THINK of anything else. It just happens. When I worked a fast food window, I was the same. This YOU MUST SAY SORRY is ingrained in me whether I like it or not and traces back to my grandmother's raising of me. Where I come from she'd say it something like, "your home training is better than that!!!!!! You're embarrassing me, go back there, be polite, and stop showing your ass." if I didn't immediately apologize to someone when I was a kid/teen.
[[[I'm of the generation of women who not long ago were trying to unlearn the knee-jerk overly apologetic behavior in the workplace and such, and I decided that I like being this way.]]]
Listen, as an autistic person, I love me some rules that make sense. It makes sense to me to say sorry if you do something that's less than ideal to a stranger in public.
I am trying to rearrange my thinking to not have my feelings hurt when this occurs. But let's be real, I'm getting my feelings hurt by it currently.
Is this just me? You'd be my fave person if you read this all and have something to add into the mix 💗
Abdullāh ibn ‘Amr (may Allah be pleased with him) reported:
The Prophet (may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him) was neither obscene, nor would he use obscene language, and he used to say: "Verily, the best of you are those who have the best manners." Sahīh Al-Bukhāri & Muslim Hadith No. 3559 - 2321
قَوْله: (لم يكن النَّبِي صلى الله عَلَيْهِ وَسلم فَاحِشا) من الْفُحْش، وَأَصله الزِّيَادَة بِالْخرُوجِ عَن الْحَد. قَوْله: (وَلَا متفحشاً) أَي: وَلَا متكلفاً فِي الْفُحْش، حَاصله أَنه لم يكن الْفُحْش لَهُ لَا جبلياً وَلَا كسبياً. وروى التِّرْمِذِيّ من طَرِيق أبي عبد الله الجدلي، قَالَ: سَأَلت عَائِشَة، رَضِي الله تَعَالَى عَنْهَا، عَن خلق النَّبِي صلى الله عَلَيْهِ وَسلم فَقَالَت: (لم يكن فَاحِشا وَلَا متفحشاً، وَلَا سخاباً فِي الْأَسْوَاق، وَلَا يجزىء بِالسَّيِّئَةِ السَّيئَة، وَلَكِن يعْفُو ويصفح) . قَوْله: (أحسنكم أَخْلَاقًا) ، وَفِي رِوَايَة مُسلم: (أحاسنكم) ، وَحسن الْخلق اخْتِيَار الْفَضَائِل فِيهِ وَترك الرذائل، وَهُوَ صفة الْأَنْبِيَاء، عَلَيْهِم الصَّلَاة وَالسَّلَام، والأولياء، رَضِي الله تَعَالَى عَنْهُم، وَعند مُسلم من حَدِيث عَائِشَة (كَانَ: خلقه الْقُرْآن يغْضب لغضبه ويرضى لرضاه) . عمدة القاري
حسن الخلق من صفات النبيين والمرسلين وخيار المؤمنين، وكذلك السخاء من أشرف الصفات؛ لأن الله تعالى سمى نفسه بالكريم الوهاب... شرح البخاري لابن بطال
قال اللهُ تعالَى عن نَبيِّه صلَّى اللهُ عليه وسلَّم: {وَإِنَّكَ لَعَلَى خُلُقٍ عَظيمٍ} [القلم: 4] ، فهو أكمَلُ النَّاسِ أخْلاقًا؛ فقدْ أدَّبَه رَبُّه فأحسَنَ تَأْديبَه.
وفي هذا الحديث يروي عبد الله بن عمرو بن العاص رضي الله عنهما أن النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم لم يكن فاحشا ولا متفحشا، فلم يكن ناطقا بالفحش ولا متكلفا فيه، فلم يكن الفحش خلقا أصيلا فيه ولا مكتسبا، والفحش: زيادة الشيء على المألوف من مقداره. والمتفحش: الذي يتكلف ذلك ويتعمده؛ لفساد حاله، وقد يكون المتفحش الذي يأتي الفاحشة، فكان صلى الله عليه وسلم لا يصدر منه الكلام القبيح طبعا، ولا تطبعا، ولا مجاراة لغيره، فلا يستفزه السفهاء فيجاريهم في سفههم؛ لأنه أملك الناس لغرائزه وانفعالاته النفسية، فإذا تجرأ عليه سفيه بالشتيمة لا يرد عليه بمثلها امتثالا لأمر ربه الذي أدبه بقوله: {وَأَعْرِضْ عَنِ الْجَاهِلِينَ} [الأعراف: 199] .
وكان صَلَّى اللهُ عليه وسلَّمَ يَقولُ: «إنَّ مِن خِيارِكم أحسَنَكم أخْلاقًا»، يعني: أفضلكم هو أحسنكم خلقا. وحسن الخلق هو صفة أنبياء الله تعالى وأوليائه، وحقيقة حسن الخلق بذل المعروف وكف الأذى، وطلاقة الوجه، ومخالطة الناس بالجميل والبشر، والتودد لهم، والإشفاق عليهم، واحتمالهم، والحلم عنهم، والصبر عليهم في المكاره، وترك الكبر والاستطالة عليهم، ومجانبة الغلظة، والغضب، والمؤاخذة.
وفي الحديث: الحث على حسن الخلق.
وفيه: بيان كمال خلق النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم.
وفيه: بيان فضيلة صاحب الخلق الحسن. الدرر السنية
It was not part of the Prophet's character to speak or act indecently, nor would he deliberately do that. Indeed, he was of exemplary good character.
The Prophet (may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him) used to say: The best among you in the sight of Allah are those who possess the best manners; in doing good, having a smiling face, refraining from harming others and bearing harm from them, and associating with people in a pleasant manner.
Benefits from the Hadith
A believer is required to keep away from improper speech and reprehensible acts.
The Messenger of Allah (may Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him) possessed perfect manners, and he would only do and say what was good.
Good manners are an arena of competition among the believers. Whoever surpasses others in this regard is one of the best believers and has the most perfect faith among them.
Hadith Translation/ Explanation : English اردو Indonesia ئۇيغۇرچە Français বাংলা Türkçe Русский Bosanski සිංහල हिन्दी 中文 فارسى Tiếng Việt Tagalog Kurdî Hausa Português മലയാളം తెలుగు Kiswahili தமிழ் ไทย Deutsch پښتو অসমীয়া Shqip Svenska الأمهرية Nederlands ગુજરાતી Кыргызча नेपाली دری Српски Română Magyar Moore Malagasy ಕನ್ನಡ Wolof Azərbaycan Ελληνικά Українська ქართული Lingala Македонски ភាសាខ្មែរ ਪੰਜਾਬੀ मराठी Oromoo Dansk Kirundi Akan Български Fulfulde Bambara Italiano 日本語 Yao Kurmancî: https://hadeethenc.com/en/browse/hadith/5803
