Kindness. Courtesy. Compassion.

Submission box is -open- Also, if you want to see a manner posted about on here but you don't feel up to submitting it, you're welcome to send me a message about it. Buy Me A Coffee

[dailymanners]

If you're like me, you may have had the feeling that since lockdown people have been ruder, more aggressive, and lacking in compassion. The bad news is, you might be right. Some studies and data coming out show that people have gotten ruder and more aggressive since lockdown (x)(x)(x). And the thing is, if even a few people have gotten ruder and more aggressive over the past few years, that's unfortunately spreading. Rudeness and aggression are contagious, if someone feels stressed and upset and like the world is against them because of constant cruelty and apathy from others, they may be likely to adapt the same attitude and spread this attitude even more.

However, there's good news too! Kindness, courtesy, and compassion are also contagious! Acts of kindness and compassion uplift others and inspire them to do the same. You have the power to start a ripple affect with acts of kindness, compassion, and just good manners. You have the power to put the breaks on or even reverse this trend in aggression and hostility that's popped up the past few years.

I made this blog because I'm tired of the constant hostility I've witnessed in public over the past few years. I think we have the power to do better, if we're only reminded.

Now you may be wondering, why do good manners even matter? Aren't they just a bunch of dumb rules made up by old dead people? Well, maybe some manners like "no hats indoors" or "no elbows on the table" are arbitrary and honestly it's harmless not to follow those, but that's why I won't be focusing on good manners that have no clear purpose behind them in this blog. In this blog, I'm going to focus on manners that matter.

By manners that matter I mean, manners that have a clear and definable purpose of showing compassion and empathy to other people. Your words and actions have consequences in how they affect the people around you, manners make sure that they affect others in a good way. Manners are the true social lubricant that makes sharing both private and public spaces with other people better for everyone. Going to work, going to restaurants and shops, and using any public space like roads, sidewalks, and parks is going to be better for everyone if we're all being considerate and compassionate to those around us. And this matters because, just like I said earlier kindness is just as contagious as cruelty, so when you're kind and polite to others it will circle back around to you eventually either way.

This is also why I'll be posting an explanation for every manner I post. I myself an neurodivergent so I understand the importance of needing an explanation behind manners. And even if you're not neurodivergent I understand why you wouldn't want to just blindly follow an old social rule without being given a good explanation. This is why I'll always explain why it's polite to do x. Why it's beneficial to you and/or others.

And always remember for every manner I post, I am not forcing you to do any of these. If you are unable to do any given manner I post for any reason, or you just don't want to, you are free to ignore it and simply carry on with your life. Of course if you're a wheelchair user it's going to be harder to open doors for others or if you're non-verbal it's not going to be possible to say excuse me whenever you accidentally bump into someone. Consider this my disclaimer that any of these that you are unable to do due to a disability you are not obligated to do.

Buy Me a Coffee

Resources:

- Book Recommendations -

- Podcasts on manners and etiquette -

[courtkossai]

important things to remember for online discussions

check if might be teenager - if so , remember probably also have weird opinions or biases as teenager . adjust approach accordingly - sometimes to not approach is best scenario . unfortunately public social media is more common than private diaries now - this is symptom of larger problem , do not just blame teens .

some people say ridiculous , cruel things just to stir up anger - and then laugh at everyone who argue . try not to let anger jump ahead of sensibility .

some people say important things without proper fact check , or without check context of original discussions . if something is so important to share , then try to find that first and get proper grasp .

some people say things very defensively , whether specific topic or in general . step back and give some grace , try to understand why . from what contexts and backgrounds do this person speak ?

can not always assume malice and lack of care without definitive signs - some people unfortunately unaware of impacts . still , most people have hard time to listen if feel like approach with anger or frustration , regardless how justifiable that is . try to handle these situations with grace - and if grace is not possible , know how to step back and cool down .

remember , as well , not everyone intend for posts to become widespread - what intend as personal vent or opinion piece is now point of discussion for dozens , hundreds , if not thousands of people , regardless if original poster apologise , rephrase , or retract . consider whether someone else already say what want to say , and if even necessary anymore .

( might also want to consider : offer some relief , if appropriate . anonymous niceties or small talk questions can really help . )

sometimes , will still not come to agreeable conclusion with someone - sometimes just struggle to get on same page and understand perspective for any number of reasons , sometimes run out of energy to continue , sometimes discussion partner prove malice outright . in any case , know when to say done and move on , so to not completely burn out .

might not always be perfect with these even so , kossai sure is not . but to try best and take steps is better than not at all - for others' sake , and for own sake especially .

@dailymanners

[dailymanners]

If someone is about to walk into a situation that could range anywhere from inconvenient to harmful for them, the courteous and fair thing to do is to give them a warning.

For example, you're using a public bathroom, and there's no toilet paper left for the toilet you're using. If someone was waiting outside and is about to use the toilet / stall you were just using, it's fair to warn them first "hey there's no toilet paper left in that one" so they can use a different toilet if they'd prefer (or maybe grab some paper towel from the sink first if they'd personally rather improvise like that).

Another example of this is in many places it's common for cars to flash their lights at oncoming cars if there's any sort of danger or obstacle in the road ahead, like a flooded road, or an accident, or rubble/debris in the road.

Or say you used to work somewhere, and the work environment was really toxic (verbally abusive boss, co-workers who are bullies, they repeatedly "accidentally" paid you less than they were supposed to even after you called them out on it, etc) and someone you know is going to apply working there or was just offered a job there, it's fair and considerate to warn them about your experiences.

Or maybe you took a class that was way harder than you thought it would be, and had a much higher rate of people who fail or drop the class than you anticipated, it would be fair to warn a friend and/or classmate who says they're going to take that class.

The point of giving warnings is that you can save someone else a lot of trouble. Even if they still decide to proceed, it's better for people to go into a situation prepared and knowing what they're getting into rather than being completely caught off guard. Even just knowing about something ahead of time can make a difference.

[dailymanners]

If you can understand why texting and driving is dangerous and you shouldn't do it, then you should also be able to understand why applying makeup while driving is dangerous and you shouldn't do it

[dailymanners]

That's a new one I've never seen or heard of before 😦

I know driving while holding a mascara wand or eyeliner pencil next to your eye can quite literally cost you your eye. I can't imagine driving while holding a razor blade is all that safe either

[letsmeetinourdreams]

“Some years ago, I was stuck on a crosstown bus in New York City during rush hour. Traffic was barely moving. The bus was filled with cold, tired people who were deeply irritated—with one another; with the rainy, sleety weather; with the world itself. Two men barked at each other about a shove that might or might not have been intentional. A pregnant woman got on, and nobody offered her a seat. Rage was in the air; no mercy would be found here.

But as the bus approached Seventh Avenue, the driver got on the intercom. “Folks,” he said, “I know you’ve had a rough day and you’re frustrated. I can’t do anything about the weather or traffic, but here’s what I can do. As each one of you gets off the bus, I will reach out my hand to you. As you walk by, drop your troubles into the palm of my hand, okay? Don’t take your problems home to your families tonight—just leave ‘em with me. My route goes right by the Hudson River, and when I drive by there later, I’ll open the window and throw your troubles in the water. Sound good?”

It was as if a spell had lifted. Everyone burst out laughing. Faces gleamed with surprised delight. People who’d been pretending for the past hour not to notice each other’s existence were suddenly grinning at each other like, is this guy serious?

Oh, he was serious.

At the next stop—just as promised—the driver reached out his hand, palm up, and waited. One by one, all the exiting commuters placed their hand just above his and mimed the gesture of dropping something into his palm. Some people laughed as they did this, some teared up—but everyone did it. The driver repeated the same lovely ritual at the next stop, too. And the next. All the way to the river.

We live in a hard world, my friends. Sometimes it’s extra difficult to be a human being. Sometimes you have a bad day. Sometimes you have a bad day that lasts for several years. You struggle and fail. You lose jobs, money, friends, faith, and love. You witness horrible events unfolding in the news, and you become fearful and withdrawn. There are times when everything seems cloaked in darkness. You long for the light but don’t know where to find it.

But what if you are the light? What if you’re the very agent of illumination that a dark situation begs for?

That’s what this bus driver taught me—that anyone can be the light, at any moment. This guy wasn’t some big power player. He wasn’t a spiritual leader. He wasn’t some media-savvy “influencer.” He was a bus driver—one of society’s most invisible workers. But he possessed real power, and he used it beautifully for our benefit.

When life feels especially grim, or when I feel particularly powerless in the face of the world’s troubles, I think of this man and ask myself, What can I do, right now, to be the light? Of course, I can’t personally end all wars, or solve global warming, or transform vexing people into entirely different creatures. I definitely can’t control traffic. But I do have some influence on everyone I brush up against, even if we never speak or learn each other’s name. How we behave matters because within human society everything is contagious—sadness and anger, yes, but also patience and generosity. Which means we all have more influence than we realize.

No matter who you are, or where you are, or how mundane or tough your situation may seem, I believe you can illuminate your world. In fact, I believe this is the only way the world will ever be illuminated—one bright act of grace at a time, all the way to the river.“

–Elizabeth Gilbert

[dailymanners]

I do try to avoid grumbling about rude/inconsiderate people as much as I can on this blog because I want to keep the tone of the blog positive and helpful rather than "grumpy person nagging you to behave better while always griping and being grumpy about people being rude". It's also why I try to balance my posts between "do this kind thing that's nice and considerate" and "avoid this inconsiderate behavior" instead of just having it all the latter so I'm not the nagging and complaining blog.

Nevertheless, I am human, and I make this post for the hopes of discussion and feedback as much as it is me griping about this.

I thought COVID would make people more conscious about covering their mouth when they cough or sneeze in public + respecting other people's person space bubbles more. Somehow, the opposite seems to have happened? I don't know if it's just where I live, but I feel like people have somehow gotten *worse* about open mouth coughing and sneezing in public and invading other people's personal space. How?? Why??

I also feel like I don't see parents / guardians / caretakers teaching their kids to cover their mouth when they cough or sneeze anymore. I understand you can't expect a baby or a young toddler to cover their mouth. But a kid as old as 6, 7, 8+ should be able to. Now it's a daily thing whether I'm in public or visiting friends/family with kids that I see their little ones who are in primary school open mouth coughing and sneezing right at other people while their parent / guardian just stares at them with a blank expression and doesn't react.

Of course, this is 100% the adult's fault for not enforcing this behavior, I'm not trying to hate on kids for not getting proper guidance from the adults in their life. And of course kids mirror the behavior they see in adults, and if the adults around them are open mouth coughing and sneezing of course they'll mimic that. I just think it's disappointing that this has somehow gotten worse instead of better after enduring an airborne pandemic spread by coughing.

Anyway, I don't know if it's just me or just the area that I live in, but does anyone else feel like people have somehow gotten worse about covering their mouth when they cough or sneeze + teaching kids to do the same?

[dailymanners]

@that-bloody-linguist

That is really concise and to the point, and that attitude sounds very hauntingly familiar to what I see here.

I am very grateful that I never saw teens purposefully coughing in the face of old people, but I did see a similar attitude of "How DARE you tell me what to do even if it's for the benefit of everyone around me!"

When I worked retail over the mask mandate days about half my customers would flip me off, cuss me out, scream at me, or even try to reach over the counter and harm me when I asked them to put on a mask. Pretty often I see Icelandic teens and young adults do things like, intentionally throw their trash on the ground when they're only a meter or two away from the nearest trash can and smugly strut away from their empty soda can now just sitting on the ground. It's this idea of "How DARE someone tell me where I can and can't dispose of my trash, how DARE someone tell me where and how I can cough." It's this obsession with being ungovernable and nobody getting a say in their actions or behaviors, even when their actions or behaviors are directly harming someone else.

I've had Icelanders tell me it's unavoidable to see this kind of behavior here because they believe this obsession with being ungovernable (even to the point of harming others) is grafted right onto their DNA, because the Norse people who left Norway to settle Iceland were people who wanted to live independently without being ruled or governed by the king of Norway.

For what it's worth, I don't believe in that. I don't think "self centered jerk" can be found in anyone's DNA. I think it has more to do with the fact that Iceland has been a rural agrarian society, where people lived in small isolated family farms, for most of Iceland's history. So, for most of the country's history people rarely, if ever, were interacting with anyone outside of their small close knit communities. Urban areas where people actually have to see and interact with strangers on a regular basis is a fairly new phenomenon to Iceland, so this idea of "maybe you should be considerate of other people, yes even if you don't know them" is a fairly new concept to Iceland. Some are more resistant to this than others.

An obsession with independence is also a major part of the Icelandic identity. The first and only Icelandic novel to receive a Nobel prize is "Sjálfstætt fólk" (Independent People) by Halldór Laxness. The central theme of the novel is criticizing the Icelandic cultural obsession with independence, and the main protagonist of the novel is portrayed as a very cruel, selfish man for his obsessive pursuit of total independence. But it's also very interesting to note that the Icelandic word for independent, sjálfstætt, would more literally translate to "self standing" in English, and I think it really is more accurate to many Icelander's concept of independence to have "self" right in the word.

For important nuance, of course a major reason independence is so important to the Icelandic cultural identity is the centuries long struggle for independence from Danish rule. It is right, healthy, and just to want to be free from tyranny, from unjust rules, from being controlled and manipulated by others.

However, in many western cultures, you can find this hyper-obsession with independence and being ungovernable to the point of being actively destructive and harmful to the people around you, when the obsession of being ungovernable is self obsession, me me me self self self.

However, We Live In A Society.

For anyone interested in the theme of obsession with independence and being ungovernable -> obsession with self -> cruelty and malice I do recommend reading Independent People by Halldor Laxness. That book won a Nobel prize for a reason.

[crematedequally]

the first time I caught covid in 2020 was because a woman coughed on my face on purpose after I told her she'd have to leave our grocery store unless she wore a mask. she left the store, but I have long covid and am now permanently using a rollator because covid fucked up my nerves and muscles. when I complained to my boss, they told me that's just how people are and I shouldn't risk losing more customers by pressing the issue, and that it was my responsibility to not get sick.

I definitely believe that the obsession with independence directly tries into the combative western idea of 'fucking make me' that leads to this kind of behavior. a lot of people in my area bragged about not wearing masks because 'it's a free country'- when I mentioned that it's a free country for disabled people and children and the elderly too, people didn't understand what I was saying. their argument started and ended with 'i don't think anyone should be allowed to ask me to do something i don't feel like doing'.

[dailymanners]

If you can understand why texting and driving is dangerous and you shouldn't do it, then you should also be able to understand why applying makeup while driving is dangerous and you shouldn't do it

[asexual-amanita]

Happy pride month! Please remember to include disabled people in your festivities this year! This includes:

- Hiring sign language interpreters

- Ensuring venues are step free

- Making dedicated sensory safe spaces

- Providing free masks

- Including braille or audio described signage

- Using plain language in speeches

Yes it’s more work, but pride is for everyone, it’s needs to be inclusive.

[asexual-amanita]

Also, if you are a non-disabled person reading this, please help advocate for accessibility. It gets tiring being the only person fighting for basic access rights.

[e14jxx]

— Marjane Satrapi, Persepolis

[the-lamplighter]

Persepolis

[wearepaladin]

Rest in peace, Marjane Satrapi

[cherrypie2425]

Rest in peace Marjane Satrapi

[dailymanners]

Please remember: Tumblr users are human beings, not your fictional blorbos (no matter how popular the blog). If it would be weird / creepy / inappropriate to say to a total stranger in a grocery store, then it's weird / creepy / inappropriate to say to strangers online.

[dailymanners]

Maybe it's the neurodivergence, but one thing I cannot and have not ever been able to understand is why being offended at something is considered such a cardinal sin.

For example, some of you may remember an advertisement campaign from Dr Pepper from the early 2010's that "Dr Pepper is not for women!". A friend of mine wrote a very lengthy, yet calmly and rather academically written essay on why this wasn't harmless fun, and actually quite damaging and misogynistic. She posted it on her blog and shared the link over social media, and everywhere people tore her to shreds for committing the cardinal sin of being offended by something.

That was it. They had no other argument on why her essay or points were wrong or bad other than "she's offended aha!!" and then acted like they totally just owned her and put her in her place by pointing this out. Am I missing something? Why is it worse to be offended than to be offensive?

If you step on my toes, and I yell "ouch!" would you take your foot off of mine and apologize, or would you mock me for being hurt by you stepping on my toes? In what bizarro world would we consider the person who yelled "ouch!" to be weak, or worthy of being mocked, or committing some cardinal offense for yelling "ouch!" instead of just being chill with someone standing on their toes?

[dailymanners]

I've gotten a few notes insinuating this is a U.S. specific issue, and I want to clarify that not only is this definitely a problem in many places across Europe, but also "Americans are overly sensitive snowflakes who get offended at everything" is a common talking point I've heard from people from various places across Europe, and I'm not even talking about what would be a legitimate criticism like a USAmerican tourist getting offended by a nude statue in Italy, I'm talking about how common it is to hear things like "I can't believe Americans are so sensitive and fragile that I can't even use racial and ableist slurs around them without them getting upset and offended! What a bunch of whiny sensitive snowflakes!"

For example when I was taking a media class here at the University of Iceland, I had a few French classmates in that class, and one time for class we had to watch something were there were ableist jokes about a man with cerebral palsy, and one of my French classmates said "I'm not American and don't want to sound like a whiny American who gets offended at everything, but I thought it was insensitive how they made fun of and beat up that man with cerebral palsy and we were supposed to find that funny, sorry to sound like an American!"

When I lived and worked in Finland for about half a year I heard from multiple Finnish colleagues how ridiculous it was that Americans are so sensitive and uptight they actually get upset when you use the r-slur around them, what a bunch of uptight whiny babies!

When I worked retail at a souvenir shop in central Reykjavík one of my Australian co-workers asked some of our other co-workers from many various countries across Europe to stop saying racist things about customers of color, to which more than one responded something along the lines of "Oh come on you're not American, are you? Oh don't act like a sensitive American who has to cry racism at every little thing!"

When I worked an office job in the tourism sector, several of our tour groups coming from the U.S. in 2023 still had mask mandates while on the tour bus, especially when most of the people in those tour groups were elderly and/or disabled. Or many tour groups coming from the U.S. required the group to start wearing masks if someone in the group tested positive for COVID while in tour. And again, most of the people in these tour groups were elderly and/or disabled. None of our tour groups from other parts of Europe had policies like this.

My (all Icelandic) co-workers laughed and made jokes about this non-stop, things like "I can't believe Americans are so crazy and uptight that they're still afraid of a little germ in 2023! Come on it's Iceland, we're not still doing ridiculous things like that here because we're not still scared of a little germ in 2023!". One of my co-workers would specifically say things like "Well I'm a viking so I'm not scared of a little germ! Come on, they should come and cough and breath on me because we're vikings here, and vikings aren't scared of a little germ!", and generally endlessly talking about how still requiring (elderly & disabled) people to wear a mask in 2023 is proof of how ridiculous and uptight USAmericans are.

This isn't me trying to defend the U.S., this is me being sick of how much this wretched western Eurasian peninsula that due to racism we all like to pretend is its own continent uses the U.S. as this sort of scapegoat. By that I mean people love to pretend that problems that very much do exist in Europe don't actually exist here, and only exist over in the U.S.. The more we get away with this, the harder it gets to address these problems that do very much exist here when they're often dismissed as "well that's only a problem in the U.S., we don't have problems like that here in Europe!" but actually very much do. And I am very sick of it honestly.

[byjove]

no piece of teen media has ever accurately depicted the quiet psychological warfare of bullying. bullies on TV are always dumb brutes and not the evil geniuses of emotional manipulation that they are in real life. being given a wedgie and having your lunch money stolen is nothing in comparison to a classmate quietly creating a taboo against speaking to you that they intend to enforce against all the other kids. it’s nothing like continuous cutting comments from people you thought were being nice to you. that way that the work of one kid can make you feel like every person on earth silently hates you and that you are dirty, disgusting, worthless, creepy and useless. that you can have friends but many of them will not speak to you at school for fear of the social consequences on their end. how that damage lasts in any social setting for the rest of your life

[byjove]

you can’t even “tell a trusted adult” because you cannot begin to articulate the thousands of small transgressions you’ve experienced building to the horror of knowing your peers would like you dead. they don’t have to say it or hurt you physically. they have other ways of letting you know they’d prefer if you were worm food

[neenarchive]

companies make billions from you thinking you're ugly btw. only ugly thing is their bottom line. log out of tiktok right now.

[neenarchive]

learning to ask 'is this an ad' will save your life

[dailymanners]

I know that I have a link to podcasts on manners and etiquette in my pinned post, but if you're interested in listening to podcasts on manners & etiquette, and you're indecisive on which one you want to get started with, I recommend starting with Were You Raised By Wolves?

It's genuinely really funny and interesting, thought provoking, and I like that they don't just teach manners and etiquette, they teach the underlying social intelligence behind manners and etiquette to help listeners gain the skills to figure out on their own what's the best solution to various social situations.

[dailymanners]

I'm not sure if some of Tumbler's user-base knows this, but you do know that if there is something you want to add to a post that's related to what they're talking about, you can do that without insulting them in the process.

I keep seeing comments and reblogs around Tumblr along the lines of "wow, all of those words and you didn't even bother to mention x 🙄".

The thing about replies like this that there's a strong insinuation that either x was left out intentionally and maliciously, or that the person writing the post is an idiot for not already knowing about and including x, or both. Either way wording it this way is an insult and a put-down to whoever wrote the post.

Maybe sometimes people didn't mention x for malicious reasons, but 9 times out of 10 that's not the case. Most of the time people either generally didn't know or weren't fully aware. Or maybe just genuinely forgot. Either way, it's not called for to insult and attack people who are total strangers to you on the internet.

And there really needs to be more emphasis on the whole "people on Tumblr are strangers to you", it's rarely called for to attack or insult strangers unprovoked. Say some of your new co-workers or classmates you haven't really gotten to know yet are talking about how your city is going to be getting rid of some of the bike paths, and one of them is talking about how this is bad for the environment. You (hopefully) wouldn't butt in and say "wow, all those words and you didn't even bother to mention how this affects lower class people who can't afford cars 🙄😒" and if you would actually do that, you seriously need to work on your boundaries because it's really inappropriate to just attack and insult people unprovoked like that.

Of course you could say something like "oh it's not just an environmental issue, this is really going to hurt lower class people who can't afford a car!". You can actually just add it in a neutral way like that without attacking or insulting anyone in the process for not already saying it.

People become more closed off and less receptive when you attack and insult them, btw. Even when you're saying something they'd otherwise agree with. In some cases I wouldn't count it against someone for attacking and insulting someone who is genuinely being cruel and malicious, sometimes it is called for and can be a form of self defense. But just over someone not knowing something or forgetting to mention something? What do you actually gain from that?

[terastalungrad]

Happiness advice is hard to compose, since we're all born with different brains, producing different chemicals in different quantities at different levels of efficiency.

"Try regular exercise!" chirrups an influencer whose brain has never known a day of depression in its squiggly grey life.

But I do think I've noticed behaviours that poison joy, and I haven't ever heard it as advice. My theory: bullying is bad for your happiness.

Of the four types of bullying, three of them - intimidation, humiliation and harassment - are usually committed by insecure people, trying to make themselves feel more powerful by taking that power from another.

(The fourth type of bullying is exclusion, and I have no citations for any of this, since it's just a bunch of stuff I reckon. I do think I'm right though, for what it's worth.)

The least happy comedians I've met are the ones who smoke weed in their flats while watching and scoffing at clips of their rivals. Their enemies. Their friends.

I'm slightly transfixed by the story of a relatively well-known comedian who became obsessed with the Instagram stories of an amateur comic. The established comic would watch the videos, share them with friends, play them at parties - mocking the comic's lack of self-awareness.

This newer comedian wasn't internet famous or anything. Just a guy starting out, trying his hand.

To operate like this, you must believe that some people have value, and others do not. Once you've decided this, how can you expect your brain to permanently accept that you're one of the worthy? You can make yourself feel powerful in the short term by humiliating another. But in the long term, you curate a worldview where a person's eccentricities are a reason they deserve to suffer.

Good luck enjoying what you see in the mirror.