(if you must leave) leave as though fire burns under your feet
[POST 6X16 DRABBLE - Oliver finally allows himself to feel Thea’s absence.]
{read on ao3}
When Oliver gets home from saying goodbye to Thea and Roy, his entire body feels drained, bones dreary and tired in a way that differs from any of the other times he’s slugged through the apartment to get to his and Felicity’s bedroom. The exhaustion isn't like it normally feels after nights out fighting assassins. It’s also different from a day spent bent over his desk as he struggles to come up with ways to save his city.
And he knows it's because he'd just had to say one of his hardest goodbyes, the emotional turmoil weighing him down far more than any mirakuru soldier could. He allows himself to feel, to hurt in the way he wouldn’t allow himself just now in front of Thea. He couldn't allow himself to make this harder for her, so he'd kept it in. Now though, every emotion is coming at him in lightning speed. He’d expected that he would be used to it by now after becoming so accustomed to wishing the people he loves and cares about farewell - more so permanently anyways. But he should've known better. It's his baby sister, the person that no matter how lost he's felt in his life, what she meant and represented for him was true, and there and unchanging.
When he'd first came home from the island, he'd told her that she was with him the whole time, and it was the only authentic and genuine thing he'd say for months after to anyone at all.
Thea was persistent from the very beginning, stubborn and unrelenting in her desire for him to open up to someone, to open up to her. His regret is that he hadn't done so sooner. So many of the struggles that she had to go through was because he wasn't strong enough to tell her the truth - about himself, about their parents, about a lot of other things.
She had turned into something else, and he'd had to fight for her. Luckily enough, he wasn't too late. But that still hadn't changed the fact that she had to choose this life and though it's her decision, the over protective big brother in him will always blame himself for the suffering that she's had to endure because of it.
Oliver passes by William’s room on his way to his, and he stops and peaks through the crack of the slightly open door at his son’s sleeping form. A breath of air flies from his lips, somewhere inside him always relieved at seeing him safe. It's that part of him that he knows will always be apprehensive that William will slip from his fingers, that he'll end up in the crosshairs of someone who wants to take out their revenge on him. Oliver steadies himself, shaking off the ever present fear before shuffling quietly to his bedroom. William’s okay. He repeats that mantra in his head until he's convinced himself of it for the time being.
When he enters the room, he spots Felicity immediately on his side of the bed, fingers flying over the surface of the tablet on her lap from where she's settled against the headboard, obviously waiting for him. Just the very sight of her, hair down from its previous ponytail, toned arms bare in the camisole she's wearing, glasses sliding down her nose, is enough to put some of his demons to sleep. His rugged heart beats in tune with hers and his worries are quieted when he's in her presence.
Though his hurt at his little sister leaving is no longer the only thing he feels, it still churns within him and he knows that when she looks up at the sound of him entering, it's clear as day on his face. Gone are the days when he'd put on a mask when he was around her - or rather attempt to anyway. She'd always seen right through him.
A sad smile forms on her lips when their eyes meet, and that silent communication that they'd formed years ago follows when she sets her tablet aside, arms reaching for him to provide the comfort he gets only from her. He's on the bed and in her arms in seconds, head resting on her chest as his arms wrap around her body, her own arm wrap around his shoulder as the other begins running through his hair.
A sense of home settles deep down somewhere, and a huff of air leaves his lips when his heart sets a pace that someone that isn’t him would consider normal. Though his body no longer thrums with exhausted and overworked energy, his mind begins playing his sister driving off in that car on loop, a slow torture it's obviously set on making him endure.
His body tenses minisculely, but he knows it's enough for Felicity to offer comfort with her words.
“She's going to be okay, Oliver,” her voice is soft, whispered so low above him in a way he knows is meant for his ears only even though there’s no one else around. He attempts to draw some of her strength to himself, to thrust her belief onto his cynical thoughts in hopes of seeing the truth behind her words. Because logically, he knows that. He knows that she'll be okay, but worry has a way of turning logic into a distant thought yelling at him to think straight.
But then he starts to imagine the worst happening to Thea, to Roy, to even Nyssa, and they're all hurt and hopeless and he isn't there to help them. He fails them, even from miles and miles away. He's been doing so much of that lately.
His shoulder is being shaken a second later, Felicity obviously trying to get his attention. When he turns his head up where it's resting on her chest towards her face, her features are open and fierce, her belief that Thea will be okay unmistakable, “She's Thea Queen. She's been through everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything. Like William, she takes after her brother. She'll be okay, Oliver. Trust me.”
Her tone is strong and unwavering, but he knows her just as much as she knows him, so he's aware that he's not the only person she's trying to convince. The sad smile remains on her lips, seeing for herself that he senses her slight unsurety as well but isn't calling her out on it.
He goes over her words though, running over them and pulling apart why he still seems to be so wound up even though he’d suggested it to Thea days ago to leave with Roy. Thea has been through a lot, but she has also always come out of it, sometimes more affected in a few cases, though never something that she couldn't handle and overcome. His sister is strong, stronger than he ever will be and he's aware that she isn't unable to handle herself. It dawns on him then that having something happen in theory versus seeing it happen in real life is a lot more painful than he'd realized.
But not only is it the fear of what might happen to her, it's the ache of her absence that's now finally settling in and making its presence known.
He's talking as soon as his brain is able to form sentences. “I know I was the one that suggested that she go find happiness with Roy, and I knew that I would miss her, but after seeing her now going off to potential danger, and also having her actually gone… it's just so real now. I miss her already… so much.”
He feels more than hears Felicity’s hum of agreement, her fingers still stroking his hair affectionately. She doesn't say anything, knowing that there's nothing that she can really say that'll make him miss his sister any less, partly because he knows she misses her too. Instead a silence washes over them, the atmosphere filled with words that don't need to be said.
His head rises and falls with each breath she takes, and he focuses on that, allowing his thoughts to stream into this one thing that is real and right in front of him and will never leave, and even if it does, it's not without him fighting tooth and nail for it. Because that's what Felicity is for him. In his darkest moments and his most unclear and puzzled states, she is the light at the end of the tunnel, leading him to where he's supposed to be.
