In the past couple of months I've just been receiving a whirlwind of reality shocks; I've slacked off this year more than ever, which is awful because this is one of my most detrimental years of university (I really want to attend grad school and my grades are barely reaching the surface of admission requirements), I've been failing more assignments than I ever have in my life, and my laziness is finally reaching a peak. I've been more focused on my social and love life the past two years that I've completely slacked off in school and it's biting me in the ass. On top of that, I'm super behind in studying for my exams (one is tonight, the next one is on Saturday) that I can't even concentrate on anything because I'm panicking so much. I also have two more assignments to do before my summer officially starts....and I'm completely broke from spending all my money.
As you can see, I can't even form coherent sentences or use proper grammatical structure anymore.
My heart feels like it's always jumping on edge lately. I've been lucky enough that my professors and advisors have been giving me more opportunities to prove myself and raise my grades, but I still have a part of me that feels it's too late. One course, a very simple course if studied properly, I completely bombed because of my laziness. I've hit a wall and a lot of things are now out of my control. It's suffocating.
I wish I could go back in time to the beginning of this year, or even last year, and redo school all over again. Focus more on assignments, take grades and deadlines more seriously. Funny enough, I always knew I wanted to go to grad school; I just didn't realize how detrimental my effort was to it. I never had to work hard to get the grades I wanted. I wouldn't consider myself particularly hard-working when it comes to school, I just naturally had an advantage. But now things don't work that way, and I'm just. Not. Getting it.
But there's no use in looking back and regretting all the stupid mistakes I've made. I had a dream last night that terrified me, but it put things into perspective. I'm young and vital, I still have opportunities, and I'm extremely lucky. I may not get into every grad school I wanted to, but if I make it into at least one I will still have a chance to pursue my dream of being an English professor. If my grades aren't good enough, I can always take another semester or year - that was the original plan, anyway. My parents may be a bit disappointed, but in the end they will support me if they know it's something I want and will be one day successful in. As for my exams today and Saturday, I already know half the content for today's and have done well in the course thus far. As for Saturday's, she's given me more opportunities to do well; I'll just have to work my butt off. The next couple of weeks are going to be extremely stressful and take a lot out of me, but they're going to be worth it. And then all I have to do is enjoy summer and work my butt off to make the money I need. This is going to be a good summer, and I'm going to achieve everything I want and need to.
I need to prove all of this to myself...I have to.
