#greyromance

[battle-for-dyke-island]

I doubt my aromantic identity a lot.

I want to date. I am very romance positive. I think I’ve had crushes before? Love is something I dive headfirst into - hell, I’ve even called myself ‘love incarnate’ multiple times. Shouldn’t I be, like, disqualified or something?

Like, yeah, my ‘crushes’ are usually sexual/platonic, any romantic attraction is very few and far between, and wanting to date is just nebulous and no attraction to anyone in particular (more just a vague yearn).

but it still feels…weird. I don’t relate with a lot of the community because of my experiences. It’s isolating. Yeah, I’ll stand with the rest of us - support every aro or support none of them - but it’s…lonely. I guess I just want to meet more people like me.

I know I’m aro. The label and its community has made a lasting impact on me, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to see the world the same way again. (This is awesome!!) but I guess I just feel…alone, sometimes. For how it presents in me. This leads to doubt.

but in the wise words of punkitt - “do whatever you want forever.”

[mytreehouse-itsonfire]

So I wrote this poem, it’s kinda long and all weird but I wrote it while having an attack, so.... Read it if you want, I don’t care. It’s kinda sad. Triggers for rape, I think, and abuse??? probably.

I remember that night clearly

“Come hang out”

“But it’s cold out”

“It’s okay, i won’t keep you out long.”

“But-”

“Please?”

“..............Fine.”

We met up

In our special place

Outside

Snow everywhere

“I’m horny.”

“Me too, I guess.”

I really wasn’t.

I had been for a while but it left.

Not that I was going to tell him that.

“Nice. Wanna cuddle?”

“Uh, sure.”

So he took me closer, held me tight.

I was warmer, but

I was still so cold.

I wanted to go home.

“What’s up?”

“Shhhhh.”

I just wanted to talk like normal

Normal conversation

Normal friendship

Except dating.

My first realization that maybe I’m greyro

But he just wanted to cuddle

and touch me

quiet

no talking

shhhh

“Moan for me.”

As he touched my tighs

Kissed my neck.

“I.... I don’t know if I can.”

Misinterpretations.

“Let loose, Julia.”

“......”

“Moan for me.”

I wanted to scream at him.

I touched his nipples

He moaned a name

Not mine.

That stupid name

I don’t go by

Not anymore.

Normal conversation

Normal friendship

Gone

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

I hated it

My fingers hurt

My toes hurt

I wanted to go home.

“Moan for me.”

God, shut up!!!!

“UUUggghh, Julia.....”

Sshhhuuuttt uuuppp

Biting my ear

I still feel it 

In my nightmares

Go AWAY

Finally, we split ways

Walking home

Cold

Dark

Runnign

Ooooowwww my toes

I can’t move my toes!!!

Oh, God, my toes!!!!!!!!!

Finally home

feet in the bath, feeling again

Crying that night

I remember that night clearly