#hadesunrest

[hadesunrest2]

Waiting for warmth

Endless the days

Argent haze

As the remedy flows into

Concealed veins

Where are we to run

Our season won't come

And everything you have said so far has been wrong

[hadesunrest2]

My queen.

I made you the goddess of the underworld.

Where only the two of us exist.

Away from eyes.

Where no one could judge us.

I decorated you with everything i have.

My love, guilt and shame.

Coughed your hands with my pain.

Blindfolded your eyes with unreachable dreams.

Watched you rot before my eyes.

While your soul lingered for freedom.

Giving you everything i had.

Was my only argument.

But you're a sunshine.

In my darkness.

You withered by only lighting

The void of my heart.

[hadesunrest2]

Tried the poise

To radiate

Tried my words

To illustrate

Finding ways to end the pain

(Ways to end the pain, ways to end the pain)

Let the river run wild

Dreams shattering

Fixing to die

The levee breaking

I can't live to fight once more

The road to the grave is straight as an arrow

I'm just staying around to sing your song, baby

[hadesunrestt]

This weird need to sort my feelings out after drinking.

Specially that I am trying to drop my earlier style of writing and trying to obtain a new one.

Although that's a different authentic one I have tried before. I'm trying not to address anything emotional and love connected because I'm sure I don't feel it as intense as before. Life is more realistic now.

Want definitely to minimize my words used to express.

I have a pool of emotions yet to be processed in me surrounded by mountains to protect me from being weak.

But I have to admit.

Feels as if there's no room for love in my life anymore.

And no single activity to make me happy or to be labeled happy.

I'd rather after drinking either sleeping. Or sleep with someone I don't care about.

Not to escape from my life. Rather to search for this switch to make me happy. Feel happy.

Exploring myself in new breaths and new states.

I can declare my steps. My sight. My heartbeats. All are different from a month ago.

[hadesunrestt]

Difficult to understand what's the best place to start writing.

I write to understand events. Feelings. Moments I need to relive mentally. I feel as if those two weeks were so heavy emotionally and dense in layers of things I need to go through.

I'm not sure yet what's the first thing to grab and dissect.

Confusion is there. Priorities to be lined up again.

Weird feelings of disconnection to what has happened.

I can only feel that I have gained victory. But I don't taste it yet fully. Maybe my expectations ruined the result? Or maybe it's the expectation that's usually pumped up but the event barley matches what's expected in its greatness. Maybe it's just a different sort of events that the overwhelming amount of emotions leave you numb and uncertain of what's happening.

I have claimed victory. Over 8 years of life difficulties. Of war and disease. Poverty and mental problems. I have made it. And I need now to feel this glory that I find lost in the small time I've felt victorious.

One thing ahead lurks which is more victory. It's the only thing I crave. To win more and more. I feel this has switched in my brain the winning mentality. I've suffered enough losses. Fuck life is a daily loss of minutes. But I don't feel I'm ready for more losses anymore. I feel I'm ready for only winning. And every loss along the way is gonna be needed to win.

I believe in me. I don't feel I'm feeding those words to myself as sometimes I did. I feel I've found a big chunk of a missing puzzle piece. And that glued me to get back on the track of winning and life success.

I am ready. I believe in myself. I believe in my powers. And I don't feel anything can stop me.

[hadesunrestt]

Today hunny I'm depressed. Actually since yesterday i am. Actually since i told you I'm uncomfortable.

I have found peace in talking to you but not the real you. The you i fake in my head. I'll never compare you to a fake persona. You'll always be better than her because you're real. But she doesn't need me and i need her image only and the ability to talk to her as she's you. As she cares to listen to my shit as she's worried about my problems and understands my words. She never does. And with her I'm just as lonely as ill ever be with you because I'm not your universe.

Hunny. In my life the last thing i needed is you having an opinion about it. Criticism for it. It's already a difficult one to grind through. You never needed to tell me you're upset at me because you check on me. Accept me as i was. It's always silly to address an issue but partly. I wanted to talk to you about everything. Wanted to hear your opinion since you have it. About me and about everything. I wanted to explain to you why are there things i write the way i do. Why are there feelings that occur as they do.

Anywho.

You refused to share your opinion. I'll share mine though. And its as hypothetical as they come but seems to me so true.

I think he cheated on you. He fucked someone else then regretted that. Not because he's a good guy and he betrayed your trust. But because this isn't like him to cheat. But when he did he understood that if i am cheating now i might do later and that when the shit about commitment issues strike. I never understood why a man would tell you he has commitment issues before hand about his past relationships other than to get you ready emotionally later for that exit. Like ffs to me seems obvious. But that's just me. He seems smart. He plays strategic games. Such a strategic move beforehand will always gonna guarantee him an exit specially with his charm and your innocent believing heart. He cheated as his old self perhaps did and then realized that he is weak and can't change himself to be a committing person. So he cried like a baby with you because he has failed in his tries to become better. He did feel good with you. Like who wouldn't not. But then he reaches back to you. Because he misses fucking you. Or just fucking in general. He'll not commit. And if he does then he'll not know how to exit this. So I'd recommend you keep an eye on him later in the relationship.

That being said. I'm he's a good guy. And i believe your words. Good guys also do things that aren't in their character. They do some evil too it's normal. It's acceptable it's fucking ok really .

I'd be glad if you comeback together. I'd never be happy though if you treat yourself badly just because he fucks good and or he's the first and thus you're clingy. Or because he loves your fetishes or kinks or just because you are loved you feel great and too lazy and tired to seek a new partner. You're gonna waste your time just like you did with me. And if this develops into smth more serious. I hope you'd have enough talks and conversations to create a solid relationship.

I will never be able to get my head around the situation if you have considered him cheating and was like well fuck it I want him. Like for the bad person I was to you. I never cheated on you for the years we were together and excuse me he had all of you untouched and idk a day or two even before he left. And that what makes me angry the most at you.. That you let this happen to you or just let it slip your mind.

My love life. Could be more exciting than both yours will ever be tbh. But it'll never be complete until I have a taste of you. And that seems as far to reach as an apple from eden but if that happens.. I'll make sure you'll never look at anything the same ever again.

Anywho again..

I'm depressed and angry because I couldn't talk to you about anything considering us. Because he's back and talking doesn't make sense. You don't like me not to say that don't love me.

I'm worried about you. Hitting 27-28. Looking back and saying wow. I fucked up really. My life makes no sense and the only stable asshole was this guy who kept messaging me and sending me memes. He kept seeing me not the way I am. But how I wish right now not to be the way I am but the way he saw me being.. If that happens then I'll hate everything that lead to this. I'll want to slap you for admitting it. For thinking it. For everything that you did and haven't done that lead to this.

I want you to feel good in your life. To reach high levels of satisfaction. But at the same time I need to preserve myself from being over interested in your life. It's yours. Fuck it up as you may. And when you fall down I'll catch you. And seems like you'll fall a lot..

[hadesunrestt]

I dislike swallowing words.

I dislike not expressing.

I dislike missing people.

I dislike hating situations.

I dislike fighting all the time for happiness.

I dislike feeling tired from unlucky encounters.

I dislike i wasn't your first and last.

I dislike i am not golden but darkness.

I dislike you not knowing how much things are bad.

I dislike not being able to feel with my heart.

I dislike disliking things.

I dislike having to cut you off so i feel easier.

I dislike you never sharing fully with me.

I dislike you never trying to reach out.

I dislike you changing.

I dislike me being disliked by you.

I hate me you life and everything and everyone.

I like only some things about you.

I love only some things about you.

I hate that i stopped loving you as crazy.

And i hate.. I hate that I'm facing hard times but never was able to tell you because you are over occupied with yours and I'm not that close to you so you'd care about how I'm doing..

Facing a stone wall i have no other way than to try to break it to make a window..

Luck for me

[hadesunrestt]

I did my best and i don't believe i have failed.

I think I've succeeded in what i was trying to do.

I just wanted to exit on my terms.

At a moment I'll be safe from you and you'll be safe from me.

I didn't want to play the role of the good guy.

Not even your savior.

I didn't want to be your friend but all of that never means that i won't be happy for your happiness. Care for you later on. And wish you happy birthday on your birthday.

It's really simpler than you think.

I can't be just anyone. Because you were never just anyone to me.

Now you're on your own.

I didn't let you feel the worst feeling in transitioning from loved to nobody.

I came telling you all that i feel about you. Not to fill the gap but exactly to soften the fall.

I told you everything your ego wished to hear.

I need now to focus on me now that you are better.

Always said. I'll pick you up from your burning house. And watch it with you burn.

Now it's to be reconstructed.

I have no wish to watch..

I only love watching fire burning