#haha...why...why does being alive.......feel so painful

[bloody-cupcakes]

can you do some joe goldberg whump headcanons?? maybe with love or an x reader

A/N: yeah of course! I chose to do x reader since that's what I write for my blogs haha

Tw: yandere/dark content, gender neutral reader, obsessive behavior, stalking, kidnapping, murder, slight gore/injuries mentioned (both on accident and intentional), drugging, emotional manipulation/gaslighting, blackmail, Stockholm syndrome implied at the end

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First of all, know that he never actually wants to hurt you. He doesn't enjoy seeing you in any kind of pain, or hearing your muffled cries through the gag as he punishes you for whatever it is that you've done wrong this time. He loves you, and he just wants what's best for you after all

He only stalks you out of a need to know where you are at all times, just so he can be sure that you're safe. What would he do if something happened and he wasn't there to protect you? He'd never be able to forgive himself for it, hence him memorizing your entire schedule off the top of his head

Anyone who he deems as toxic or unworthy of being in your life is instantly gotten rid of, though he does feel a bit of guilt when you inevitably find out and call him a monster for it. I mean, it's fair enough, but it still hurts to hear from you of all people

"Baby, baby, can't you see? I did this for you," he does his best to reassure you, but that only makes your panicking get even worse. To be fair, you did wake up in a glass box with an accidental cut on your head from where he slammed you into the wall in a state of blind rage upon him realizing you knew what he'd done, so he could understand your fear. He just wished you'd stop staring at him like he was some sort of a monster when all he wanted to do was keep you safe

He tries to give you some space in hopes that it'll help, but as your silent (and sometimes not-so-silent) resentment begins to grow he becomes more desperate and needy. Everything he does is for you, and this is how you treat him?

Of course he can't help but adore you regardless, which is why he hates having to pin you down and whack at your ankles and knees with the hammer he uses for his book restorations. "If you're going to act like a brat, I have to treat you like one," he mutters softly while you sob in his arms after, barely able to walk after the "punishment" you'd received from him

Something you're made well aware of early on is just how much he loves you (or claims to anyway) but you soon realize that's not enough and that you have to somehow find it in you to love him back. There is no other option if you want to make it out of this alive, but how could you ever love a murderer?

It takes a while, but eventually you behave well enough over time to be able to convince him to move you out of the cage and to his apartment as long as you promise to continue being good. You try to run away that same night, and back to the basement you go, along with a brand new welt on your head from where he had to knock you out in order to get you down there

You beg over and over to be let out, and he promises he will on the condition that you'll let him give you an IV drip full of something that'll keep you feeling complacent and numb (a drug he got courtesy of Paco, who stole it from his mom for Joe's own private use)

He doesn't like keeping you drugged up, but if you insist on trying to escape then there really is no other solution, now is there? Besides, he likes being able to hold you at night and much rather prefers to keep you in the comfortable environment of his place anyway

At first you flat out refuse, but finally you reluctantly agree to his conditions, unable to bear peeing in a bucket and sleeping on the floor any longer. It felt dehumanizing, like you were nothing more than a pet kept for his entertainment. At least his apartment had a real bed and a bathroom

The drugs he put you on made you feel light and free, and it was much easier for you to obey when you were dosed up with them. Things seem to be doing okay until he discovers you'd somehow switched the specially made liquid IV full of drugs with plain water, which resulted in you attempting to leave yet again. God, when will you learn that it's never going to work out for you?

This time when you wake up in the cage, you find yourself covered in blood and lying next to the dead body of your old best friend. Joe simply watches as you frantically try your best to resuscitate the already rotting corpse with several different versions of CPR to no avail

"What have you done?" You scream hysterically, your eyes wide and frightened as you look down at the carnage you found yourself in, your clothes stained crimson red in a manner that almost seemed to mock you

"Next time you pull another stunt like that, it'll be someone you truly care about who's in there with you," he states in a way that's almost cold despite the somewhat sad look in his eyes. He really didn't want it to have to come to this, but you forced his hand. "Now you're going to help me get rid of the body, or I'll have to punish you even worse than that, do you understand?"

It was then that you knew there would be no escape. He'd always find new ways to torture you, mentally and emotionally if nothing else, and each time you stepped out of line you'd only end up getting more injured from it. Not to mention he had an ample amount of planted evidence in order to frame you if he really wanted, so naturally the only thing you could do was agree

That night you found yourself back in his small apartment, wrapped up snugly in his arms as you laid in bed together. The drugs had you feeling much more calm just like usual, and you almost felt bad for everything you'd put him through. "I'm sorry," you slurred while glancing up at him, your eyes droopy from the stolen medication you were on

He just shook his head at your apology, leaning down to place a light kiss to the tip of your nose. "No, baby, don't apologize. It's okay now, I forgive you," he gently promised you, glad that you weren't trying to fight him and his affection anymore

"Mgrh... love you..." came your mumbled reply as you buried your face in his chest. You loved him. You really, truly did. He'd gotten you to see just how much he truly cared, and you loved him for it. A smile graced his lips as he tugged you in a little bit closer. It was then that he decided no matter what the cost, he was going to keep you forever, not that you seemed to mind. He was glad the two of you were finally on the same page for once

[french-vanilla-in-the-clouds]

Hey there! Hope you're doing well! 😊

I saw your requests are open again, so I wanted to resubmit one I sent a while ago (like… years ago haha). It was a Sam Winchester story inspired by the song Line Without a Hook. I know it never got posted, but I still adore the idea and thought maybe you'd be interested now!

No pressure at all — just wanted to put it out there again in case it sparks anything.

If you feel like writing it, that would be amazing! And if not, no worries at all. Sending lots of love anyway 💕

𝐋𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐚 𝐇𝐨𝐨𝐤

𝐏𝐒𝐘𝐂𝐇𝐈𝐂! 𝐒𝐀𝐌 𝐖𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐗 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑

Summary: Sam sees her die in a vision. In the daylight, he pushes her away, already mourning her. He doesn’t want to be alone, but he doesn't have a good track record when it comes to saving the women he loves. And this time feels different. This time, it feels like prophecy. angst with a fluffy ending! psychic migraines & emotional distress!

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The pain started behind his eyes. It was sharp and bloomed like a firecracker. "Sam," Y/N warned. "Pull over."

"We're almost out of town," he gasped, knuckles white against the steering wheel. Granite road blurred against screaming headlights.

"Sam," she said, louder now. “You’re a mess. Just stop the car!”

“I can’t,” he snapped. “We don’t have time. Something’s coming. I saw it.” The car veered left on the winding road. Her heart thundered when the wheels rolled over debris. Sam's eyes shut briefly against the pain.

"You're not driving through a vision! Let me take the wheel!"

He finally glanced at her, and it made her blood run cold. That look again. She had been seeing it ever since they fell in love. He was memorizing her and bracing for the obituary.

Y/N exhaled. "Not now, Sam. Don't look at me like I’m already dead.”

"I'm not," he murmured. The car lurched. "I'm just trying to hold on."

"To me? Sam, you haven’t touched me in days. You flinch when I get too close. You think I haven’t noticed?"

"I wake up every day expecting to lose you." The admission came out raw, like it hurt to say. “I’m terrified that this freak show demon blood is going to kill you."

She clutched onto her seatbelt then, and it bit rough lines into her palm. “You’re preemptively grieving me. That's your plan.”

“It’s not a plan,” he said hoarsely. “It’s a curse.”

Sam winced hard and slapped a palm to his forehead, dragging in a breath like it burned. The migraine hit full force, blinding and splitting. The road curved, but his grip faltered.

"I can't see how it happens," he said feverishly. "Only that it does. Why can't I see it?"

Y/N stared at him hard. "You've seen me die." The realization hit like a truck, and she felt a recoil of phantom pain in her chest. "God Sam, you're trying to outrun a premonition. Stop the car."

The tires skidded.

"I can't lose you," he said, slumping over the wheel.

"Sam? Sam! What did you see? We can fight it together, just let me in!" Y/N glanced back at the road. A thick ravine was coming up fast. She reached for the steering. Sam was out cold.

She screamed his name.

The crunch of metal came first.

Then, the sound of her voice was swallowed by glass and flame.

Sam woke with a gasp, drenched in sweat, back arching like something was being ripped from his spine.

“Whoa, whoa, easy! Hey, take it easy, man!"

Dean's voice was loud and clear, an anchor from the storm. He gripped Sam's shoulder, steadying him. He blinked, heart hammering.

A motel room. A yellow light. The scratchy comforter. Too many sensations and sights, and none of them a comfort. Sam's eyes searched until they found her.

Y/N kneeled beside his bed, Her right hand crushing his. She wiped sweat from his brow, alive, breathing, and real.

"Sam," she whispered. "You need to relax. It was a vision, wasn't it?" She turned to Dean. "Water." He sprinted to the bathroom sink.

Sam nodded mutely, throat locked. His eyes didn't shift until he pressed his forehead against hers. "It's a curse," he whispered. "And it's growing."

Dean returned with a glass of lukewarm water. Sam didn't register, so Y/N held it to his lips and angled it gently. He choked on the first sip.

At the end of the bed, Dean paced. “You were out for like five minutes. Full-on seizure. Scared the crap outta us, dude."

“Five minutes?” Sam croaked.

“Yeah. Long enough for you to nearly break your own damn teeth.”

"It wasn't so bad," Y/N lied. Sam’s hands trembled, reaching for her. She looked different, like she knew.

"Dean," he said. "Give us a minute?"

He nodded warily and stepped out.

There wasn't enough air in the room and Sam felt constricted. "I'm a wreck when I'm without you." He looked at her, a question in the tight lines of his frown. "Is it worth it?"

She pressed a kiss to the top of his hand. “What did you see?” she asked quietly.

"You don't need to know."

"You said my name over and over like a prayer. We both know that's not true."

Sam swallowed hard. “We were in the car, and I was driving. It was like having a vision within a vision. You were yelling at me to pull over.” His voice cracked. “I didn’t. I couldn’t."

"What else?"

"I crashed it."

"You're holding out on me."

"You didn't make it."

She stared at him, jaw tight. Her hand slipped from their hold. “And you think that’s fate,” she said.

“No,” he said, too fast. “It's not set in stone. If I can see ahead, then I can stop it in time."

She stood slowly, her back to him now, arms crossed tight. “Every time you look at me, I can feel it. Like I’m already a memory you’re bracing yourself to lose.”

“I’m trying to protect you." He winced from the remnants of the migraine. This latest episode had hit him the hardest. "All of this is my fault. If I could take it all back, I swear that I would."

“You’re pushing me out the door,” she shot back. "But you’re not alone. Not yet. Not unless you make it that way. Fight for me, Sam. Not against what might happen. Fight for what we still have. For what’s still real.”

He dragged himself up a few inches, higher up on the stacked pillows, and held his arms out. Y/N took long strides back to the bed and fell into his embrace. The smell of her shampoo overwhelmed him with memories, the best he had to date.

The room felt haunted because Sam Winchester wasn’t just afraid of losing her.

He had seen it.

And the future didn’t always care what you were willing to fight for.

But he needed her to stay.

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Considering Sam's *awesome* track record with women, I'm sure they get a happy ending. Don't worry  :)

YOU! THIS REQUEST! I couldn't find the OG in my inbox, but I remember! Thanks so much for holding on, I love that you reminded me. ❤️

➤ General | @the-chaotic-cow @tuttifuckinfruttifriday @adaydreamaway08 @stitchintimefan @andthevillainshallrises @justyourlocalwhore @waiting-for-cas-to-save-me @leigh70 @cookiemumster1

➤ Sam | @baby-bloos @fuiabarcelos

[hopeswriting]

I won't be able to articulate this enough, but i want to share some thoughts on lambo being the lightning guardian and how it's not uncommon in fanon to replace him with someone else (be it haru or whoever). And i get the reasoning behind that. Lambo's literally 5yo and doesn't even realize the stakes of what he's made to do and the things he gets involved in. So who in their right mind would let him be anywhere near all that dangerous mafia stuff, right?

And first of all, i totally agree, let me make that clear lmao. Like, this isn't a moral stance up for debate, full stop. But the thing is, my own personal take on that has always been "well, yeah. That's the exact point.". Which is why i personally like to keep him as the lightning guardian in my fics anyway because like. There are things to be said about it.

The way i see it, in the manga, lambo's the most obvious embodiment of the way the mafia has no qualms sacrificing children (theirs or someone else's) to sustain itself and keep itself alive (whereas mukuro/the kokuyo gang are the worst/most extreme embodiment of it. < Just want to make clear i'm very aware lambo's isn't the kid who has it the worst in the manga when it comes to the mafia haha, that's not what i'm saying). And the rest of the 10th gen (guardians) are, of course, also victims of that.

Tsuna (i'm gonna focus on tsuna, but it's overall more or less the same for the 10th gen as a whole) is 14 and only has to deal with the mafia later in his life when it comes for him to drag him in its world now it needs him. And naturally, he doesn't want to have anything to do with it, rejects it for everything it stands for, but he's just a kid, only 14 and also a civilian. He will struggle and stands his ground to the very best of his abilities and to the very end, but we kind of all know it's going to be a very bitter one anyway, by which point he'd have managed to salvage very little.

Meanwhile, lambo's born in the mafia, is raised in it, and for him, it's just what a normal life is. It's just what life is, and because he's still only 5yo, he's not yet old enough to think to question or doubt any of it. He's not yet old enough to decide for himself if he's okay with that being his normal and if he wants it to keep being his normal. He's completely unaware of just what it means that this is what normal is to him. Which also means that he sees no reason to put up a fight against it whatsoever. But is it really a silver lining that at least he's spared the pain of having the mafia being forced onto him? Or does it only make it so much worse he can't even recognize the overall pain the mafia brings him? The things it didn't even give him a chance to have so it could take them away from him?

And then you put them both side by side. Both of them kids who don't get a choice in the matter because of their respective circumstances. But then, one is 14 while the other is still only 5yo. Which basically makes tsuna the adult in the situation.

It doesn't, of course, but what else is there to do? Let the 5yo be the one to step up and somehow figure it out for the both of them? Someone has to act the part if the actual adults who are there aren't willing to do their job because it'd make their agenda less easy to see through (or because they don't care to or don't see the need to. Because they went through the same thing too, and in their eyes, it's just the way it is and the way it's always been).

So tsuna steps up and tries his best, because even if him being the older one still doesn't make him the adult in the situation, i'm sure it must feel like that anyway. And then nobody who can actually do something about it (you know, the actual adults) listen anyway, because fact remains that he is still a kid too in the end. And isn't it convenient the times when they remember that fact and the times when they forget it?

On the other hand, in lambo's pov, tsuna's still also basically an adult because of their wide age gap. He's his older brother who's so much taller and stronger than him and gets to experience a much bigger and richer world than him. And, by his own admission, he wants to be right there by his side as he does. He wants tsuna to keep bringing him with him because he wants to hang out with them. Because he has fun when they're together and do things together. Because he admires him and wants to learn faster from him so he can stand on equal grounds with him faster. Because, despite the violence and danger and pain of the things he experiences, he trusts him to look after him and keep him safe anyway.

And so, lambo still doesn't get to question or doubt what he considers to be normal even as tsuna does his best to make him realize this isn't something he should be used to. Because 1) that's all he's ever known and that's all he keeps knowing, despite, again, tsuna's best efforts; 2) he might get hurt, but tsuna-nii will protect him anyway and will make sure it never gets too bad; and 3) tsuna's doing the very things he's telling lambo he shouldn't be doing, so why wouldn't lambo get to do them too?

The best example of this dynamic they have is imo during the future arc when tsuna doesn't want lambo to participate in the final battle. And then ryohei goes, "it's fine, tsuna, i'll just make sure he'll stay safe". And i'll admit i used to, like, side-eye that stance a little zjdlskks. Like, why wouldn't he try to pressure the adults (reborn and irie iirc) to change their minds instead by taking tsuna's side?

But thinking about it, he must have known lambo would have ended up on that battlefield anyway. That they needed him to be there too, because he's powerful in his own right (which is the thing, right, something that's true for all of them. Powerful enough to be used and needed, but neither powerful enough nor in the way to not just make themselves heard but listened to too) and they couldn't afford to lower the odds against them even more. And if they can't keep him out of situations kids shouldn't be involved in, then the very least they can do is to make sure he makes it alive out of them. And if it means they're the ones who'll have to die to make it happen, then at least they got to live a little longer than he would have in their stead.

(A short but relevant aside here, but it also makes sense ryohei's the one who stepped up with that resolve. Because of the whole thing with kyoko earlier in the arc, with her learning the truth about the mafia even if it's the last thing he wanted, he must have come to terms by then with the fact sometimes you just don't get to protect the people you care about the way you'd want to. The way you think it's best for them to and the way that'd protect them the most. Sometimes, you just have to make do with the fact you at least still get to try and protect them in some form rather than not at all.)

And all the while, lambo's also loudly and stubbornly on the team "let lambo fight". Which is the choice he makes from what knowledge and understanding he has of the situation. (< I'm not saying it should be given the same weight as everyone else's opinion, to be clear. Obviously, his knowledge and understanding of the situation is limited by him being only 5yo, but it's still as informed a choice as a 5yo can make, is what i'm saying.) Because, again, he wants to be there with them, even if "there" is the last place a 5yo should be. He wants to be allowed to fight and help too because he cares about them too and trust them. If they're going to get hurt doing whatever it is they plan to do, then let him get hurt alongside them too. Either way, there's just no way he's gonna let them leave him out and "play" by themselves without him.

Now this is something they all share, don't get me wrong. The 10th gen's guardians' (tsuna included) dynamic as a whole (the relevant one to this post anyway lol) is about kids dealing with things kids should never have to deal with, and coping with it and looking out for each other through it and keeping each other alive through it as best as they can. But when you look at their respective dynamics, at what they individually bring to that overall dynamic, i just think lambo's is just as interesting as the others' for it to be written off. Especially when the reasoning for that, him being 5yo, is, as i already said, the exact point.

Because he's so much younger than the rest of the guardians + tsuna, there's no forgetting it the way they can when looking at each other. They don't have the luxury to remember they're just middle schoolers who shouldn't have to deal with any of this when looking at each other, because it's clearly still happening anyway and they have to make sure they see it through before anything else. But when looking at lambo to make sure he sees it through too, they can't do that without first acknowledging he's still only a kid, only 5yo. Otherwise, they'd just be doing to him too what is being done to them. And would it really make it less worse because they'd be doing it with good intentions?

It makes lambo the mirror through which it's all too clear what exactly is being done to them too. And so they have to try to do something about it if none of the people who should do it instead are willing to (the way no one is doing it for them), because they know all too well how that feels like. He's also the mirror in which reside both the reminder they still are only kids, and why they still have to act as the adult to this much younger kid than them anyway.

Lastly, lambo's also, like... Ugh, i can't remember the word for it, because of course i can't. 🙄 Like, a litmus test of some sort? But not that. He's this metric as to how far along down the line they are, and how much (or little) they have been able to salvage and mitigate along the way. The less burdened and affected by the mafia lambo gets to grow up to be, the more things the rest of the 10th gen had to willingly give up on along the way to make it happen. Likewise, lambo being able to think back to a relatively carefree, happy and safe childhood is inversely proportionate to how much faster the rest of the 10th gen willingly decided to give up on their own.

And for sure, it's something lambo would become painstakingly aware of as he grows older. But would he be grateful for it? Wouldn't he have rather they let him bear his fair share of burden too so their shoulders wouldn't look so heavy? Their eyes already so hardened?

And the irony is that i don't think the 10th gen would ask his opinion on the matter either even as he becomes old enough for them to. I don't think it'd even cross their minds to do it. Of course, it's what lambo wants too. Why wouldn't he want to be kept from becoming too much mafia as much as possible?

So yeah. My point is that lambo is tsuna's lightning guardian for a reason beyond him being suitable for it fighting/abilities-wise. It's because he fits right in with him and the rest of the guardians in a way no one else would fit in as well. As described in this post with all of them, but with each one in its own way too.

For tsuna, yams and ryohei, it's as civilians whose opinions aren't deemed important enough to matter. For hibari, as a civilian too (canon didn't say he wasn't one anyway lol), but one with the kind of power that gives him agency to at least put up a fight. For chrome, as a civilian for whom choosing to become mafia gave her a voice and power (< yes, i know it's arguable to call mukuro/the kokuyo gang mafia, but you get what i mean). For gokudera, as someone born and raised mafia who was still made to feel like he had to prove himself and was left to fend for himself on his own (< well, "chose" to i guess, but you get it.) For mukuro, as someone born and raised mafia too and who experienced the very worst of what the mafia can do to even their own children.

And even looking at the 10th gen as a whole too. He also fits in with fuuta whose usefulness' deemed too important for the mafia to ever willingly let go of him. With i-pin, whose abilities let her be noticed and taken under the care of someone willing to nurture them so she can make them her own and use them to stand her own. With kyoko and haru, who are of course old enough to realize exactly just what being mafia or being involved in it entails, but don't have the power or abilities to do anything about it. And i can't think of anything for bianchi (and hana?) off the top of my head, but i'm sure we could find something for her too.

Anyway, this ended up being a lot of words, but i know nobody's surprised lmao. Last thing i want to say is that i'm not saying the aus where tsuna's lightning guardian ends up being someone else aren't fun and interesting too! Especially if it's my girl haru who gets to shine instead, you know i love her. I'm just saying it can be just as fun and interesting to keep lambo as tsuna's lightning guardian just as it is in the manga.

[some more thoughts on this.]

[villainsimpqueen]

I love how you write Adam so soft and sweet 😭 it's so hard to find in fics.

Like I get he's an asshole in the show but can he at least be nice to me?! 🥀

Im so so happy you like my writing of Adams Character! I really try to write him true to his character while also developing him more for whatever story im writing about.

I actually base how i write Adam on my Fiancé personality! He acts similar to Adam, its why im so crazy about Adams Charater.

I love how much is left to interpretation of his personality and character.

Like To Me;

Yeah hes an asshole, But he ain't making it his every day mission to be an asshole. He can easily be kind to others, he just has a very short "Bullshit Tolerance." and a social Battery.

Sure hes out going in stuff at first but as soon as that battery starts to deplete, the ability to handle everyone's delusions and bullshit becomes non existent, unless your close friends or family.

Because Close friends & Family does not count. There not people. And if anything they recharge him.

Adam would absolutely be soft with his lover. They're someone hes willing giving them his trust (which is huge) and his vulnerability (Also HUGE) and being real with them. While trusting that they too are doing the same with him.

He doesn't have to put on a mask around his lover, He can just be him, and feel safe knowing you love him for him.

Sure he will make mistakes, hes human of course its bound to happen. Maybe he snaps a few times when his overstimulated and exhausted, but he would feel immediate regret and after a few minutes of space to reflect if his lover is willing/ wanting, they will have a conversation and he would admit his faults and apologize for them.

He would learn to be more communicative & take more accountability for his lover.

Because if he can't be Real with them, then why is he wasting their time with him?

And I get you on the Fics thing with him being a mega asshole / Semi abusive to his lovers. That just doesn't to me make any sense for his characters.

You have someone who had been betrayed twice by the ones made to love him (thrice if you count Lucifer) who left him and abandoned him.

If we follow some bible stories, Adam & Eve did separate for a while during his 900 year life, when they rejoined Seth was supposedly born after that.

You have a character who is willing to forgive, willing to try again to love. Someone who just wants to feel loved and wanted.

This man would be seriously touch-starved.

Holding hands, Soft kisses, holding each other, cuddling, hands playing in hair, nose rubbing, soft caresses. The Impimacy (haha) Intimacy of touch, to feel love by someone he trusts so much would have him melting around their hands.

Plus LOYALTY. (Yea I wrote an angsty fic where he cheated. Im guilty of this too.)

I don't truely believe that Adam could ever look at another when hes in a Relationship. He knows the pain of being with someone who was unfaithful. Its literally a deep scar embedded into his very being, one that fostered with insecurity that made him believe he just was never good enough.

So when I see the posts of him being a fuckboi behind Readers back or something, I giggle because theres no way he would be able to do so without the guilt eatting him alive. Man's would come clean so fast. Hes a jabber jaw at is, add the pressure of his guilt, hes coming clean immediately.

Plus the fact he is so against Liars & Keeping things from the one you love. (Why he was so on board on calling Vaggie A liar.....because she was )

This man is staying Loyal no matter what.

I think Adam would be super possessive & Adoring of his lover, while being very soft and vulnerable with them.

[foscx]

Hi hi, question: What advice do you have for rating a story, what advice do you have for doing research on weighty topics (mental health, oppression, abuse and such), do you have any websites you do your research on, and how do you approach avoiding mischaracterizing or belittling these issues?

Hey heyy 🐦‍⬛

I always like to refer people to the "make it exist first, you can make it perfect later". You're bound to get into 700 million edits anyway, so try not to get too stuck on writing a perfect story and WRITE A STORY first. My biggest drawback when writing my first trilogy was just being shitty to myself and trying to perfect something I knew will probably evolve with me as time goes by. I'd come to the end of the book, start editing the beginning, realize "this is so shit yo" and then rewrite it again, and ten years went by like a breeze haha. It's only once I let go of this pressure to write perfection and instead wrote a story I enjoyed that I managed to actually finish something. We will always evolve and we will always write something better than we did 5 years ago, and that's okay. It's preferable, actually.

Another huge mistake I've done when I first began writing The Kostrov Traces was not having any outline for the story. I had the general events that happened, but why they happened, how they correlated, what I wanted to say with them... who the hell knows! Haha. It lead me down many years of rewriting just to get it to a place where the story does have a cohesive narrative with a point. The outline itself doesn't have to be perfect, it doesn't even have to be detailed or set in stone, but you should have the general idea of who your characters are, what their arcs will be, and what you want people to get from the story.

As for the topics you mentioned, I feel like talking to people brings you where no website can. There are many people who have gone through events that you're researching and I always like to listen to them instead of treating mental illnesses and traumatic experiences like a chartboard of words. Every experience is unique and I feel like the best way to represent something is to engage with that uniqueness and truly understand it on a human level. When interaction isn't available, there are plenty of interviews people who have been through these events have done, so I definitely suggest researching those alongside the regular medical and historical research on the web you'd usually do. I also like to write about things I have experienced or have been around to see the effect of. Of course, this won't always be possible, but this adds the layer of personal experience that simply makes topics feel "alive". I write about mental health because I have direct experience with it, which allows me a bit of a perspective in the experiences characters may go through. I don't have experience with irreversable and worsening chronic pain, though, so I spent a lot of time learning from people who do to see their highs and their lows in hope I can represent it correctly.

I don't have specific websites sadly. I just fact checked everything I read several dozen times and was lucky enough to have friends who are also professionals in fields I was researching who could advise me when I was unsure about something. I feel like the best way to write a character that does have a certain issue is by humanizing them instead of making them "this xy disorder character". Their disorders and experiences are unique to them, so try to get into their head and allow them to be people with those traits instead of symptoms disguised as characters. Don't romanticize mental illness and trauma either and don't shy away from showing the raw sides of it, too.

[koremakaria]

Nan Xu Yue / Tian Ming Shu Character Analysis and Appreciation Post

OMG! The characters are so complex and Wang Duo did such an amazing job bringing them to life. I adore him! I really do!

I've only seen him in Yin Yang Master: Dream of Eternity but he also killed that role like bro, this guy is so good at exuding Sad Boi Energy. Nothing can make me hate you! Nothing!

So he and MXL/Pearl go way back. They were created by the Supreme God as Immortal Weapons. An Eternity with no emotion, no attachment, the only purpose was to serve their Master. These two were different from the very start. Tian Ming was like 'cool, I can deal with being an emotionless artifact' while Pearl was like 'ummm, excuse me, but do you know what love is?' And if you were curious, Tian Ming was like 'no, but like why? Is it something important or something?' Yeah. Haha. Clueless didn't even begin to cover this.

Because he is FATE, he viewed life from a deterministic pov. Like there is no free will because the book of fate determines the outcome so even if you rebel, that very act of rebellion was part of your fate. Basically, this dude is the very definition of 'it is what it is' and so we have to view his decisions from this perspective. I love that xianxia dramas are always asking about love. Like what is love? What does it mean to be in love? And the most important question is always 'Is love worth the pain that comes with it?'

As Nan Xu Yue, he thought that to love meant that he had to eliminate threats to MXL's life including killing the one that she loves. After all, it's all for her own good. Bro was really like 'I'm doing this for you! It's ALL for YOU!' The only problem was that he never asked MXL what she wanted. This love was the epitome of selfish love. It was possessive love. Which ultimately killed her and then he killed himself. In this incarnation, he knew that he loved MXL but didn't know how to properly address his feeling.

As Tian Ming, before the cycle of reincarnations, I don't think he knew that he loved Pearl. I don't think he even knew what love was. All he knew from his long existence was that he didn't want to lose his companion. The Supreme God wanted to destroy the human realm and so he altered this fate by imprisoning Zhaoming to avoid possession. Maybe he did so to prevent his own death or Maybe he did so because he knew Pearl wouldn't want the human realm to be gone. It didn't really matter why, this was his first major act of 'free will' or at least it's free will in the sense that he went against the wishes of his Master.

Another act of free will was when he took the punishment from Pearl when he knew it would kill her. But again, this was done without asking Pearl what she wanted. His purpose was keep her alive hoping that she'd return home with him one day and that everything would return to how they were. 'We can be one happy family again!' So again, selfish love.

Then when NXY regained his memory as Tian Ming, we get a different kind of awareness. I think he finally figured out what it meant to love. In a selfless way.

Instead of keeping secrets, Tian Ming learned to communicate. And most importantly, he learned to accept death and free will. Since the first incarnation, Tian Ming has been obsessed with keeping Pearl alive so that she'd be with him. Even if that meant she hated him. Even when she loved another man. Even when she was willing to die for another man. That didn't matter to Tian Ming as long as they get to live. She didn't have to love him, she just needed to stay alive. That all changed in the last arc when he finally let go of Pearl/MXL. He understood that Pearl/MXL had the right to make her own decisons. That not everything was up to him (FATE) to decide and that he, too, had free will. Ultimately, he exercised this free will by dying so that her vision would come true. [Me sobbing 😭]

This convo basically foreshadowed his own fate. He didn't understand why Pearl chose to love Zhaoming knowing that she will die in her first incarnation. Then in his last incarnation, he finally got it. He really did. My Super Sad Boi.

Tian Ming and Nan Xu Yue are such interesting characters and I love them. They are deeply flawed and so so so human.

[solvanei]

Well now you have me intrigued by your new lil AU!

I need to know how Tele feels about Antinous being revived :D

Does he feel smug about being who Anti is leashed to or what?

Plus, can Ody do anything to Anti?

By that I mean: Has Ody tried to kill Anti again if he can-

Yaaay!

Hmm it's still a WIP, I only have random scenario ideas atm, haha. Like a bunch of puzzle pieces (as most my aus kind of are until I draw out more.)

but I imagined he's under the frustration of just,, "that's it?" / Didn't feel like anything resolved from prior torment flashing in his mind (+ denial on further complex feelings). Under the guise he'll bring him back for a proper punishment/ means of confrontation. Or fool himself like after all he'll do then he should die at his hand (I'll see?)

Either Athena herself (or her connections assisted after all she's been through too. Sympathetic. , this the blue glow tied with her/ Telemachus) helped in this

Haven't decided if Telemachus actually asked himself or someone stepped in like, yeah 🙏 surely this will help? Though from my prior joke doodle it implies he at least knew what was going to happen/ seemed Athena was willing to back him up for what he needed. So that's the more likely thing as HE chose for it.

Does he actually know what he's doing? Probably not, the power shift is jarring / frustrating with unclear answers to some things. But I can see a curiosity/ room for him to vent (or contemplate if that's really what he wants/ because if not that and he's questioning the morality then WHY did he actually ask for Antinous to be back. He'll go down a whole mind dive for things he may not quite wanna admit here.)

(insert room on fire)

It's sooo messy.

Ahem, technically Ody could? The imagery of Antinous just respawning is insane but not sure it'd work that way LOL.

But I think he rests easier because Athena is watching over Telemachus so may have that be something for him to sort out (says this but his watchful eye is peering from the dark).

As for this way he understands his son may need to sort this himself (even if he's unhappy Abt Antinous, can def see a "lemme pull you aside rq" moment)

Oh also Antinous feeling the neck pains constantly, haven't decided if he can't talk anytime soon or if he does it's very short as it kind of can strain him as he adjusts to just existing 💀

Antinous is a whole other mess of anger, pain, tired. Just imagine you're the first to die only to be zapped back and everyone else you've known for the last years have been murdered, King is back frs, not only are u back but the person behind that is that fucking prince 😁 you were already Abt to deal with because you were not coping well with your own feelings. So the problem was to erase him from the picture.

Now he has the audacity to BIND you to him in a certain sense. AND YOU CANT EVEN PROPERLY COMMUNICATE how insane that makes you feel.

Yet being close soothes you, literally. It grounds you. Makes you feel alive, he keeps you alive. It's a disgusting shift to all you are and who you have been. Someone you still perceived as weaker is now in control of it all and it's sickening when you lean into his comfort you can't deny is there.

(thus a lot of body language/touch art ideas come to mind haha)

That's all for now I think, toxic yaoi woo!

[ellisonwongparty]

In honor of your Americans au, here are the things that have made me most insane during the first 3 seasons of The Americans (I'm at season 4 ep 1, I took a short break bc I was Stressed).

the pilot, obviously

S1E3(?), Elizabeth comes back from a seduction with belt whip marks and Philip genuinely loses it and Elizabeth is like 'no I can take care of myself chill out'. Idk obsessed with the implications that he never once really paid attention to/cared about her body or safety (beyond like, not dying) before this and now that he's really looking he's horrified.

S1e6 kidnapping. Them both going feral with rage and then immediately fighting and then basically speedrunning a divorce right after. Iconic of them

Elizabeth being lowkey jealous of Stan and Martha's marriage. On the wedding day but also just in general (btw her being at the wedding? Delicious writing choice)

S1 finale. I mean hello?

Sequel to Stan and Martha jealousy is the failed roleplay sex. Absolutely no coherent thoughts but it just lives in my head.

Philip using Annelise for a mission instead of Elizabeth despite Elizabeth being the obviously better option (and just his general uncomfiness with her seducing people even though it seems like he has a harder time with it than her)

obv the making it real convo

Elizabeth asking for favors for Philip and Philip asking for favors for Elizabeth. ugh, LOVE.

the tooth pulling scene when Elizabeth can't go to the dentist. Sorry, how was that on my TV and why was it lowkey the most intimate thing I've seen them do??

Nothing has happened yet except for Stan finding out, but this Philip/Sandra thing promises to be fun!

I've probably forgotten stuff, but I'm having a blast, so thanks for being crazy about this show because now I'm crazy about it too! It is SO well done. The Pen Bug just being this looming specter in the FBI office for [redacted] seasons was inspired. I love love love that the tension throughout the entirety of season 2 is not some big gigantic villain but instead a lack of info and that the season 3 finale is just things coming to a boiling point. I feel like shows up the ante too quickly for season finales and I like that we still feel so grounded 3 seasons in. Can't wait to see what happens next!

wait omfg i'm so happy you like it haha no what i love about the americans is it's so fucking slow. it just is. elizabeth and philip will actually just be wandering around in a dark forest for actually like half the episode. and no one's talking, and your eyes will actually be glued to the screen.

but no the show does a great job making you feel like you are actually being boiled alive in the tragedy of philip and elizabeth's love. like this fake life they've made together is the happiest either of them has ever been. but it's literally fake. and they are spies. and also. they will never survive here. and every moment is so fraught and intimate. because it literally is an anomaly that it exists. it's so SEXY!!!!

on another note, not to hammer this point home too hard. but isn't the divorce arc so shane and ilya HAHA. just like elizabeth being like. :/ our romantic feelings. they are compromising the Mission (TM). maybe we shouldn't... do this anymore... idk. and then philip being like. oh. okay. you're not rocking with me anymore????? don't worry we can divorce for real and i'll move out of your house tomorrow and also you'll never see me anymore. so there. not to mention how absolutely dogshit philip is at communicating with elizabeth. just like spends multiple seasons passively suicidal and severely depressed and doesn't talk to her about it and is like. why is she so blind to my Pain.

but also. to be fair. she's so hard to talk to. HAHA i love elizabeth. she like actually thinks you are a sissy for having emotions. like girl. you have those too. stop pretending. i actually love her so much.