IF YOU REMEMBER HAZBIN HOTEL COMICS, YOU REMEMBER THERE SUPPOSED TO BE COMIC ABOUT CHARLIE’S LIFE
The Cancelled Hazbin Hotel Comic You've Never Heard Of
WHAT WE KNOW AND SEE
WAS ABOUT CHARLIE’S TEENHOOD
AND HER RELATIONSHIP WITH TWO CHILD OF VON ELDRITCH FAMILY
AND HOW CHARLIE MEET VAGGIE
VAGGIE WAS WAITER AND MEYDE CHARLIE’S WAITER BEFORE SHE OR SEVIATHAN BROKE UP AND VAGGIE TRY MAKE CHARLIE NEED BETTER
CHARLIE AND SEVIATHAN GO PARTY AND HAVE FIGHT (WHAT WE SEE STORYBOARD HIGH SCHOOL PARTY A FACE LOOK SAD AND OTHER LOOK "DON'T FOLLOW ME" FACE) AND CHARLIE BE ALONE AFTER THAT AND HELLSA MEY COME AND BULLY HER (SHOW TO SEVIATHAN MEY NOT KNOW HIS SISTER BULLY HIS GIRLFRIEND)
AND CHARLIE STARTS OFF UGLY BEFORE END GLAMOROUS WITH VAGGIE (AKA CHARLIE IS BEAUTIFUL BUT HAVE NO FASHION TASTE)
I GET VAGGIE BUT CHARLIE?? YOU SEE HER MOM AND SHE HAVE CONNECTIONS TO GET NEW FASHION STYLE
EVEN IF CHARLIE THOUGHT SOME UGLY OUTFIT LOOK GOOD AND NO ONE WANT INSULT THE PRINCESS OF HELL
HELLSA AND SEVIATHAN STILL CAN TELL HER, HELLSA BE MEAN HER INSULT OUTFIT AND SEVIATHAN TRY BE NICE BUT ACCIDENTALLY BE LITTLE BIT MEAN
MAKE MORE SENSE IF CHARLIE WAS FASHION LOOK NERDY AND HELLSA WAS MORE FASHION LOOK POPULAR DEMON, CHARLIE CARE MORE ABOUT LEARNS TO BE BETTER LEADER FUTURE INSULT BE POPULAR AND HELLSA HATE HER BECAUSE IT
AND CHARLIE MEET VAGGIE IN HER HELL SCHOOL, VAGGIE WAS SINNER AND SINNER STAY SAME AGE WHEN THEY DIE
EVEN IF WAS CHARLIE’S LAST YEAR HELL SCHOOL, SHE STILL BE YOUNG AND IF VAGGIE WAS TOO TEEN, SHE CAN’T GROW UP THEY HAVE STORYBOARD ALL THAT
Top Left to Right: Magpie (Zoophobia)/ Whynnie (Zoophobia)/ Crymini (Hazbin Hotel Concept)/ Vaggie (Zoophobia)/ Cherri Bomb (Hazbin Hotel)/ The von Eldritch Family (Hazbin Hotel Concept)/ Emily (Hazbin Hotel)/ Izzi the Demon Hunter (Zoophobia)
This Hazbin Hotel collage is of Velvette and Helsa Von Eldritch, because Hellsa has only appeared in the pilot and official artworks, but is set to appear in the main series in future seasons, I focused on pilot Velvette for the collage. With Helsa coming from a respected hellborn family, I wouldn't be surprised if Velvette seeks to make Hellsa one of her followers, as Helsa properly has some dirt on Charlie from their school days.
From what I can tell the ship has been called Velsa, but if you have any ideas on what its other ship titles could be, please share them in the comments.
Actually, if you don't mind, I have something else in mind~.
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Previously...
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Gray curtains pulled back by Egg Boys, each of them working together to yank back the many times larger fabric, even though one of them was dangling from the rope and another was pulled across the ground. However, despite the obvious pain they were in, they were all still respectful enough to keep themselves quiet as the film screen flicked to life behind. As the reel played, a demon stumbled and spilled their soda all over themselves, cursing aloud until black tendrils gripped his neck and pulled him into his sticky seat.
The year was 1938 and here's a list of some notable events from June of that year; Japan bombed the shit out of China, China flooded their own river, Boeing 314 Clipper took off, and Johnny Vander Meer had his historic "back-to-back no hitters" run. Along with all of that unimportant stuff was the release of the very first issue of Action Comics, debuting originally April 18th of that same year, but this time it had an awesome cover of Superman committing destruction of personal property on some guys shitty car.
"Yes, this is the story of Superman- excuse me, SuperCharlie!"
"Global depression was at an all-time high, and none felt it worse than the Daily Hell, suffering from fear and confusion but still covering the day-to-day news for the public of honest to goodness truth, acting as a symbol of clarity and hope for the city of Pride- Ah, fuck, I spilled my coffee- coffee- coffee- coffee- coffee..."
The scene shifts above to the night sky above the Daily Hell, wherein Husker proudly presents Lucifer Morningstar, Alastor, a Husker retelling...
SUPERCHARLIE
Charlie Morningstar... Vaggie... Some guy we hired to write this crap who wants to go by "Dee"... and special thanks to our friends at I.M.P. for not getting pissy when we told them that they weren't going to be featured in this retelling. You guys are the real stars... just not the kind that are going to be in this story. You diggin' this music, by the way? John Williams, right? Did you know Danny Elfman did the Batman theme? Crazy, right? Like, think of it like Star Wars. First John Williams did the original soundtrack, and then Danny Elfman did the others. History repeats itself, am I right?
Written by HowlingDay
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We zoom in on the orange sphere known as the son, only to circle around it to find the planet or circle or whatever it is that would be called Heaven. Zooming in even further, passing through the clouds, we arrive at an ice castle similar to Lucifer's pad in Hell to arrive at a meeting hall where a trial takes place. All the while, we hear Lucifer's voice echo through the prop- I mean, through the walls of the meeting place.
"This is no fantasy. It's not even good enough to be science fiction. No, the really, really, REALLY bad horror that I'm about to show you makes the Nightmare on Elm Street remake look better than the original. The three presented before you are criminals of the worst kind; they intended to make a parody of a beloved film and its franchise, using characters from a less popular franchise."
Angels look on from above as three figures stand within a circle, all bound in chain by their hands and wings. Each of them dressed in black robes noting their place as executioners. Honestly, they're kinda baggy, too, like something you'd see in a Sigmund and Roy show before Roy got attacked by that tiger that was kidnapped and beaten to jump through hoops of fire and shit. Sorry, what were we talking about?
"Here... Here stands the 'voice actor', a title I loosely used because the 'voices' used were actually AI and not even generative AI, but like what you'd find in Microsoft SAM. Lazy."
"And over here, Lute, who stole copyrighted characters and then used generative AI to recreate them as bimbos and himbos, claiming she drew them herself when actually she just punched in 'sexy' with the character's name and then called it a day. And yes, in case you were wondering, she even did this with characters under the age of 18 and claimed they were 18 and older, despite not changing their faces at all. Literal baby faces on boobs, your holinesses. Totes mcgotes gross."
"Finally... Adam. He used to be a good writer. Then he started using ChatGPT to write all of his stories. He brought these other two together to make their parodies, stealing intellectual properties to make a profit. Also, he's an asshole, in case I didn't make myself clear with my song and dance routine explaining how much of an asshole he was. If- If you want, I can do it again? Yes? No? Nod your head if you want to see it. No? No, okay- Wait, huh? Oh, uh, I thought you nodded your head for a second there. Alright, judgment time."
"Guilty." Sera said.
"Guilty." Answered Emily.
"Not innnnnnnocent!" Sir Pentious said. "Shhhit! Sssorry! I meant guilty."
"Sounds to me like the council is a bit hung. I know what that's like." Adam grinned. "So, what's it gonna be, Lucy? You gonna judge us guilty, too?"
"I literally just spent the last hour explaining why you should all be killed. I even did the musical! What, didn't you see it?!"
"Nah, I was too busy thinkin' about your wife's rack."
"Oh, you are so guilty! Guilty!"
"C'mon, don't be like that, man~!" Adam opened his palms. "You hate these guys as much as we do. Hey, we could always use a musical guy~." Lucifer walks away, rolling his eyes. "HEY! Doing parodies isn't a crime! The Wayans Brothers have been doing it for years, and they don't get flak for it! And Team Four Star? Ripped off Dragon Ball, but they get all the love for it! AND WHAT ABOUT DEVILARTEMIS, HUH?! HE'S RIPPING OFF THE RIP-OFFS! THE ONLY REASON HE'S STILL GETTING ATTENTION IS BECAUSE HE STEALS FROM JIM HENSON!"
All was then silent as the hall opened, revealing the light of Heaven to all. Then, the light vanished as darkness settled in. Suddenly, a tinfoil triangle passes across the screen, at first completely empty before spinning to reveal the con-artists trapped inside. Let this be a lesson to you, kids. Never steal somebody else's property and say it's your own. That's called copyright infringement, and it could get you in trouble with Nintendo or Warner Bros. Seriously, don't even joke about parodies because they won't even care about the specifics of copyright. If they think it looks like their shit, even if it's something outrageous like Bowser's dick or rapist Bugs Bunny, they will put a stop to it.
"You have once again done a great service to the kingdom of Heaven," Sera remarked, smiling at Lucifer, "trapped forever the realm of Cease & Desist, forced to live a life eternal stagnation. They shall never improve and thus they shall never impede. All is as it should be."
"Yeah, yeah, sure, but what about, y'know the whole we're all going to die thing I've been talking about?"
"We're not going to die." Emily laughed. "This is Heaven! Nothing could kill us!"
"Yeah, but I've got, like, God's word that I can be trusted. Y'know, GOD God, our father who art in Heaven?"
"Ah, yesss. How would be thy name?" Sir Pentious asked. "Right? Right, that's the verse?"
"The fact is, Lucifer, that it's not your data we find issue with, but your conclusions."
"Wait, so you don't have a problem with what I found, but you don't agree with what I found actually means? What is this, Twitter.com?!"
"It's called Xsss now."
"That's stupid. If you're gonna do something different, then why don't you combine it into one? Call it Shitter."
"How vulgar!" Emily shouted.
"Oh, fuck off; this is Heaven, not Shitter!"
"This discussion is over!" Sera shouted. "Our decision is final, Lucifer." Morningstar watches as the council of angels huddle together to stand against his words of warning. Each of their robes glowing brighter than the last. Then Sir Pentious's robe flickered off and he had to flap it to get it working again, which it did. "Any attempt to spread fear with misinformation will be met as slander and a betrayal of Heaven and its virtues."
"...So, you would treat me like we treated Adam, Lute, and that other guy?"
"You would meet the same fate, but your statements would be removed from memory and voice forever silenced."
"Just like on Shhhitter." Sera groaned at Pentious's input, rolling her eyes.
"Will you abide by this councils decision?"
Lucifer took a deep breath before taking hold of his robe's lapels. "I'll shut up then, and my wife and I will stay in Heaven."
Sera smiles and walks away.
"Wait, don't you have a daughter?" Emily asked.
"The council's decision is final, Emily!" Sera called from off-screen, her voice hurried. "I really need to log into Shitter right now!"
The council exits the room, leaving Lucifer scowling with distaste. He returns home to find his wife holding their daughter. He fiddles with some Heaven crystals before looking to her. Their child wipes her hand across Lilith before she speaks to her husband.
"Have you finished?"
"Almost." Lucifer answers. "I still need to find a way to fit all these rubber duckies into her crib. I don't want her to roll over and wake up to something that sounds like a Carrot Top comedy show."
"Squeaking?"
"Screaming." Lucifer tapped the Heaven crystals in a rimshot. "Screaming just like how we're all going to when Heaven blows up... or fall apart... or is eaten by the Sun... or gets absorbed by a giant supercomputer- Look, the data says a lot of things could happen, but they all point to everyone dying except for maybe like one or two of us."
"Like Emily?"
"I mean, maybe, but knowing her parents, she's either going to be really obsessed with dogs or an alcoholic. Probably both."
"I still don't understand why you would send her to Earth, Lucifer." Lilith argued. "They're primitive! Thousands of years behind us! They still pronounce gif as 'gif'!"
"She will need that advantage to survive." He puffed his cheeks, shifting to an accent. "I can't bear to think of how they'd massacre my boy~."
"What?"
"Sorry, I was trying out the accent again. What do you think?"
"Eh... I still don't think it fits right. Maybe give it another 12 years or so. Y'know, if we weren't all going to die."
"Except for her. And even if the people of Earth are stupid, the planet itself will sustain her. She'll look like them, based on these computer images I found." Lucifer tapped a crystal to reveal a creature, similar to himself, with rosy cheeks and pale skin, dressed in baggy and colorful clothes and pointed hats, surrounded wild animals in cages with rings of fire. "See?"
"Lucifer, that's a clown. Our daughter isn't a clown."
"No, but everyone will love her like one."
"People don't like clowns."
"They will when they see her. She'll be able to do tricks they'll never believe!"
"She'll be alone." Their daughter whimpered, earning a soothing touch from her mother.
"Not alone." He plucked a rubber ducky from the crib. "She will never be alone with these little guys~." He gives the ducky a squeeze.
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"Ma'am, there's rubber ducky sounds come from Morningstar's house!" An angel shouted from her side.
"I'm right here."
"Oh, uh, sorry, ma'am."
"What do we do?" Emily asked.
"Investigate."
"What if we find something wrong?"
Sera gave a sigh. "He knew the risks. Being God's favorite doesn't mean you're above the law."
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Lucifer settled his daughter's blanket within the center of seven rings of rubber duckies. Lilith kisses her child on the head before handing her to her husband. He, too, pecks her forehead before settling her within her crib. Looking into her eyes, he withheld tears as he spoke his final words to her.
"You will travel far, my lovely, little Charlie..." She threw her arms around her. "But we will never leave you. Even at the risk of extermination, the end of our lives will only strengthen the rest of yours. Everything I've learned, everything I'd seen, everything and even more will..." he choked, "...will belong to you, my daughter. I will be in your heart, from now until the end of your life, and my power shall be yours, as well as all that I have experienced shall be like your own. In my final moments, I will see your life through mine. Like father, like daughter, and like daughter, like father." He sniffled. "This is all I can give you... Charlie." She then clapped her hands, not in applause of his speech, but because she's a baby. He smiled. "Lilith?"
"Hm?"
"Do you..."
"Oh, uh, yeah. Um..." She rolled her tongue and clicked against her teeth. "Everything your father said, ditto for me."
"Really?"
"What?"
"You're just tacking on ditto to my heart wrenching final words to my daughter?"
"Our daughter." She prodded his chest. "And how am I supposed to follow that up? Anything I'd say would just come off as, I dunno, dull?"
As the couple bickered in their final moments, Lucifer prepared an angelic weapon and placed it into Charlie's crib, sparking even further arguments as the world shook around the infant. Her crib then rose into a baby cage, which then sealed itself and launched itself into space. The council cowered as the hall in which they stood began collapsing on itself, crushing them under the weight of their own hubris, and also giant space rock. And even after their child had left the atmosphere, Lucifer and Lilith continued to bicker and bitch at each other to the very end, at this point arguing about how she never cared for his musical tastes and how God was right about His warnings about her.
Also, a bunch of funny stuff fell over for, like, five minutes, undermining the severity of Heaven's genocide before ultimately exploding. Like, some guy was stacking a house of cards, while a woman practicing ballet across different collapsing flooring because she REALLY needs to impress her mom because her own dreams of becoming a ballet star failed and now she was living through her own daughter.
The crib-cage soared through the empty space, hurtling towards the camera before a giant "DIC" followed underneath. Yeah, yeah, we heard the dick jokes before, get over it. Oh, and Charlie also passed Adam, Lute, and the voice actor, all of whom were screaming to be let out. Meanwhile, Charlie began learning inside her vessel as each duck squeaked out heavenly knowledge unto her infantile form.
"Red means stop. Green means go. Yellow means it's going to turn red so you need to go faster."
"A 'Nat 20', also known as a natural 20, is a critical success. A 'Nat 1' or natural 1, is a critical fail. The closer to 20 you are, the more successful, and the closer to one you are, the worse you failed."
"And when person is unconscious, do not force tea down their throat. An unconscious person cannot drink tea, nor can they accept or deny tea. The act of accepting an offer is known as consent, and a person is allowed to take back their consent at any time."
"And then there's pansexual, which means you like everybody, but only people you feel close to. This is not to be confused with bisexual, wherein you feel a physical attraction to only males and females."
"Bowser Jr. is the son of Bowser, though his biological mother is unknown. The Koopalings were originally described as Bowser's children, but this has since been retconned to them being merely child-soldiers holding the rank of generals in Bowser's army."
"Hydrogen is flammable. Nitrogen is inert. Oxygen is an accelerant. Hydrogen can ignite, causing an explosion, and oxygen can cause it to explode more easily or nitrogen can make it more difficult to explode."
"Please, Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally is a pneumonic device for PEMDAS; Parentheses, Exponents, Multiplication, Division, Addition, Subtraction."
"If you eat something that isn't spicy, but tastes spicy, you should immediately seek medical attention. You are likely having an allergic reaction."
"Elmer Fudd points his gun at Bugs Bunny. The gun, however, is fake, though Bugs Bunny does not know this. The trigger is pulled and the gun clicks. Bugs Bunny has just been a victim of assault, and can sue Elmer Fudd for threatening his life."
Charlie Morningstar, once an infant and now a child, curled into herself as her container hurtled closer and closer to the Earth. Out for a drive, a young couple are shocked and surprised by the booming crash in the nearby field. Pulling over to the side of the road, they exit the vehicle, though the husband notable has trouble because it's an old truck that he has to physically roll down the window, but the handle jams and gets stuck sometimes, so he has to roll it back up to roll it back down until he finally is able to reach out the window to open the door, which is also jammed so he has to awkwardly yank up and down from inside before the door finally opens.
He gives a sigh of satisfaction. "Well, at least it's better than a Cybertruck~."
"Look at that, Angie~!" His wife calls out, pointing to the smoking crater in the field.
"HA! It looks like BBC~!" He leans in. "And I ain't talkin' about no British Broadcastin' Company~. Eh? Eh~?"
"Yes, I get it." She flatly replies.
Approaching the crater, they find a little girl climbing out of the rubble, wearing clothes because we are NOT going to get hit with those kinds of allegations in this story! She tap-dances up to the couple, giving off her jazz hands to the delight of the husband and wife. Returning to the truck, Rosie yanked the wheel off, wiping her brow. Angel Dust couldn't stop bouncing Charlie on his knee.
"Ain't this great?" He grinned. "Spent all this time tryin' and we finally get a little rugrat of our own~!"
"Right." Rosie rolled her eyes. "Because we were trying so hard."
"Hey!" He shouted, stopping the bouncing, "I keep tellin' ya, I just get a lot of headaches! That's it! Nothin' else~!"
"Sure..." Moving to another conversation, Rosie focused on the little girl in the suit. "First things first when we get home, we need to find out who her family is."
"Or, or, and hear me out on this; we keep 'im. Say she's an orphan we found on the side of the road. Ain't like we're lyin' about that!"
"Angie, honey-"
"C'mon! Look at her! You really gonna say no to this face?"
"She's wearing a red suit. No one normal wears red suits. There's something off about her." Charlie crawls under the truck. "Hey, what are you doing under there?"
Charlie, in her childlike innocence, began poking and prodding at the car jack that looked uncomfortably like a part of human anatomy.
"Hey, careful with that! I paid good money offa BadDragon.com!"
"What?!" Rosie cried.
"Offa NormalCarPartsAndThings.com!"
However, Charlie didn't listen and eventually pushed the "jack" off-
"HA!"
-from its position and caused the vehicle to collapse on top of the girl. Rosie cried out as Angel Dust nestled his face into the crook of her neck. However, their fears were unfounded as the truck began to lift into the air, held aloft by a little girl in a red suit. She smiled at them as they gazed in awe before looking to the crater from which she emerged. The crash site itself was already strange, but the inhuman strength and obscene amount of rubber duckies told them more than enough that this girl was something incredible... something fantastic... something- DAMMIT! I spilled coffee again! Now I've got coffee all over my mic! Great. Terrific, even. Just. Fucking. Super.
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"C'MON, TOSS THOSE BALLS AROUND!" The coach cried out as the students played football. "JUMP 'EM! REALLY MAKE 'EM FEEL IT!" He puffed his cigarette, blowing smoke in front of his heart-shaped glasses. "GRAB 'EM, BEND 'EM OVER, AND REALLY PUT IT IN THEIR END ZONE!"
Charlie walked by, observing practice, feeling isolated from her parents instruction to not be involved in anything other than academia. Even theater was a no-go, and Charlie really wanted to dance. However, this was a close second as here, at least, she would be allowed to wear tights. She also noticed the cheerleaders practicing their routine, led by Velvette Vee, one of the most popular girls in the school. She, however, ignored Charlie and instead chose to snap on her team.
"Get it together! We have until the big game Saturday to get this right!" She pulled out her phone. "Do not make me buy you off of your parents again! I don't have enough food to go around!"
"Alright, alright, that's enough!" Coach Valentino hollered. "Get in the showers and soak up! Make sure you get into the really deep parts of yourself, and for God's sakes, smile for the camera! Nobody likes a grumpy football team during shower time!" Charlie stopped at her table, where everyone started piling their gear in front of her. "Morningstar, make sure everything gets clean! Except for the jock straps. You can leave those by my car."
"Yes, sir!" She saluted.
"It's nothing weird. The soap at this school doesn't get them clean like I like 'em, so I need them by my car so I can take them home and clean them myself the only way I know how to."
"Yes, sir!"
"Oh, and if anyone asks, I didn't ask you to do this for me, okay? Say it's a prank from one of the others."
"Yes, sir!"
"Okay, now I need to go change out the tape in the boy's locker room shower camera." Coach Valentino then left the story forever.
Charlie noticed Velvette carrying a bundle of pom-poms in her arms, grumbling as some fell onto the ground. She hurried over and began picking them up, smiling at the cheerleader. The response was of a forced grin.
"I'll take care of these for you, Velvette."
"Oh, thanks... Uh..."
"Charlie."
"Chucky, right." She sighed. "At least someone around here is willing to do what I want."
"It's part of the job as team manager." She gulped. "I, uh... I'd do it for you, anyways."
"Oh, you're so sweet. Listen, my dads are gonna be outta the house, so why don't you swing over and join me and the rest of the cheer squad, the football team, the chess club, the theater kids, school security, a couple of the janitors, some dropouts, a few graduates, several U.S. senators, and a possum are gonna pop some mollies and just do what comes natural. You in~?"
"Oh, well, I don't know..." Velvette licked her lips at Charlie, as high school students normally do. "Well, I don't really know any Molly girls, but I guess I can come by and pop them~!"
"Sorry, Morningstar," Hellsa von Eldritch noted, "but you're gonna be too busy."
"What do you mean? Everything's packed up and ready to be washed!"
"Oh, you mean like that stuff?" She pointed to the team equipment that was currently being confiscated by police while an unnamed Coach shouted obscenities from the back of a police cruiser.
"Hurry up, Vel~!" Some cheerleaders were calling from a car filled with football players. Then they began chanting. "No light from Morningstar so join Von Eldritch in the car~!"
"Oh, sorry you can't make it, Chansey~." Velvette cooed.
"Let's go, Velvette."
"Bitch, who the FUCK do you think you're talking to?!" She snapped. "I'll go when I'm good and bloody ready!" There was a long awkward silence as Hellsa cowed under Velvette's glare. Charlie rubbed her arm, unsure of what to do next until she lifted a finger. "Okay, NOW, I'm ready. Good luck with the clean-up, Charlston Chew~."
Charlie sighed, lightly kicking the dirt as everyone waved good-bye to her, some sincere but mostly jeering. One of the students could be heard from the distance. "God, she is such a loser, she can't even hang out and do drugs with her peers in an unsafe environment that will likely scar her for life~!"
Once they'd driven away, she took hold of a football and shouted angrily, extending her arm and throwing the oblong piece of equipment into the air. Two weeks into the future, Hellville was forced to forfeit an important game of the season because they didn't have the ball to replace it. The substitute coach was fired and nobody on the team got the scholarship they needed to make something of their lives. Much disappointment was held by all.
Back in the present, Charlie ran alongside a train. A little girl saw her and tugged at her mother's shoulder. "Mommy, mommy! I saw a girl in a red suit run as fast as the train! Faster, even!"
Camilla smiled at her daughter. "Oh, Vaggie, sweetheart." She cooed. "Shut up~. Children should be seen, not heard."
"But-"
"Quiet, Vaggie~." She said sweetly.
She huffed and crossed her arms. "One day, I'm gonna ruin my journalism career by falling in love with a demon just to spite you."
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The car filled with teens passed by Charlie's home, finding her already outside and working on her mother's truck. They stopped to gawk at the girl in the red suit as she wiped sweat from her brow. She grinned at them.
"Chili?" Velvette blinked in confusion.
"How did you get here so fast?!" Hellsa snarled.
Charlie's grin took a smug turn. "I ran~."
"School is, like, 50 miles away. Even by car, it would take you at least 20 minutes to get from there to here!"
"I ran REALLY fast~." The smugness never faded.
"Like, faster than a speeding bullet?" Velvette asked.
"Faster~." Her eyes lowered to a half-lid.
"Yeah, that's what all the other girls say about you~." Velvette snickered.
"W-Wait, what?"
"Psh! Whatever!" Hellsa groused, already shifting the car into drive. "Let's get out of here, already."
"Y'know," Rosie started, walking up to her daughter, "pride is the greatest sin of all."
Charlie slumped a bit at her mother's words, joining her in a walk back to the house. "I... I didn't mean to show off like that." She clenched her fists. "But whenever someone like Hellsa Von Eldritch starts talking down to me, I just feel like ripping them apart before beating them to death with their own limbs!" Horns grew on her head as her eyes glowed blood-red.
"Everyone feels like that sometimes," Rosie patted Charlie's arm, soothing her, "even I do."
"But... is it really a sin to stand up to jerks like that?"
"No, honey."
"Is it a sin to want to go out and show everyone the best they can do?"
"No, of course not."
"Is it a sin to think about a girl while lying in bed at night?"
"For us? Yes, for whatever reason."
"What about Dad?"
"Oh, you don't have to worry about your father thinking about any girls." Rosie waved her hand. "More importantly, when we found you, we were scared of the things you could do, not because of what you did, but because we were sure other people were going to come and take you away. As we got older, though, we realized that you were something special and you came to us, to this world for a reason. Whose reason and why, I don't know."
"...Buuut~?"
"But what?"
"Well, you said you didn't know, and I thought that you were following up with a "but" statement."
"Honey, only your father is interested in butts, and while I don't know that, I do know that you weren't put on this world to score touchdowns or punch Hellsa Von Eldritch in her snobby, snooty, fucking cunt face."
"Thanks, Mom."
"Anytime, sweetie."
"...Does this mean, I can join the drama club?"
"Absolutely not."
"Come on, dance with me, Mom! Dance the dance of life~!"
Charlie broke away and began dancing into the barn. Her mother, however, did no such thing. In fact, she did the opposite of the dance of life; she checked her heart monitor watch that began flashing the words "OH NO" in bright red, followed by a little image of a heart falling over with a daisy in their hands. Charlie continued to dance in the barn until Angel Dust stepped out.
"Hey, would you knock it off out here?!" Very loud, throbbing music played behind him. "The boys and I are playing a very high stakes strip poker game and-" He stopped, noticing Rosie on the ground. "Rosie? ROSIE?!" Charlie heard this and ran to her mother's side, clutching her hand as her father wailed in anguish. Unfortunately, neither of them knew CPR, nor were they familiar with the song, "Stayin' Alive" by the Beegees.
At the funeral, Charlie mourned the loss of her mother, holding her father as she lamented her failures. "All those things I can do," she said, "all those powers, and I couldn't even save her."
"Are you seriously makin' her death all about you?"
"N-No, I was just-"
"That's my job! She was MY wife!" Angel prodded his daughter's chest. "Now, if you'll excuse me, the boys and I are gonna go to Chip'N'Dales to forget about your selfishness and my dead wife."
Later that night, Charlie pulled herself from her bed after her Ladies Sports News channel was cut short by mysterious static. Turning it off, a humming came from inside the barn. Walking out, in the middle of the night, she entered and discovered the humming came from underneath a hay-covered hatch. Opening it, she found more hay covering on top of a tarp, which she lifted to find her father's stash of PlayGirl magazines. But this, too, was just a cover-up that she lifted to find a spear, white as ivory, with a glowing blade as if made of light.
"Hey!"
"Agh! Dad!?"
"You didn't touch my magazines, did you?"
"Um... No?"
"Good! And just so you know, I only read them to masturbate to the pin-ups! It's healthy!"
"Uh, okay, Dad?"
"Okay, I'm going inside now. I up all night doing Jell-O shots out of the boy's gutters to help forget about my dead wife." Angel Dust then turned around and went inside, leaving a very confused Charlie with her shiny, new finding.
----------
"Charlie, get up!" Angel Dust shouted, lifting the blinds in the house. "Shit, was that too mean? Let me try again." He lifted the cover on a bird cage. "Good morning... Ah, shit, what did Rosie name you again? Smiley? Ah, whatever." He returned preparing the house for day, pulling a box of Penicilin-Os from the cupboard. "Charlie, breakfast! Yeah, that's better."
He hummed in thought. "Second time, though. Better be rougher this time." He shouted to the ceiling. "Hey! You sleepin' all day, or what?! C'mon, it's time to eat the day's ass!" Setting the table, however, he saw that Charlie was already awake, in the distance, at the far end of the field. He gave a sigh. "Alright, time to go get her."
Making his way across the field, at which point the sun was already high in the sky and closer to noon than it was dawn, Angel panted upon reaching his daughter. "I... You... Agh... You had to be at the furthest ass end of the field, huh?"
"You could have taken the truck." She replied.
"The crops are still growin'!" Angel argued. "We still have to make a livin', y'know!" He huffed. "Alright, now what's wrong?"
"I... I have to leave."
"Finally!" Charlie snapped a hurt look to her father. "Er, uh, I mean, I-" He cleared his throat. "I mean, I always knew this day would come. Your mother and I both knew it. Since the day we found you."
"I..." Charlie sniffled. "I talked with the neighbors and... They said they'd be happy to help out."
"Which neighbors, the ones hosting the sorority house, or the lumberjacks down the road?"
"The sorority house. I thought the more hands, the better. Plus, with mom gone, I thought you could use the distraction~." She winked.
"Yeah... You know me so well, honey..." Angel said flatly. "I just... can't get enough of those college girls."
"Dad..." She whimpered.
"I know, honey." He said with a quivering lip. "I know." He took a deep breath. "So, where are you headin'?"
"North."
"Where north?"
"Just- Just north."
"What, you're just gonna keep walking north until you hit a town?"
"No, I- Look, I'm just going to keep going north, okay? I don't have a town in mind. I just know I'm going north."
"Alright, alright." Angel said, rolling his eyes. He then felt the embrace of his daughter wrapping her arms around him. He returned the gesture, softly cooing in her ear. "Never forget, sweetheart. Never forget..." The two pulled apart once more before hugging once more. They then parted, stood for a few moments, and enjoyed the morning.
----------
In the frozen north, Charlie continued to trek across icy chasms and permafrost wastes, climbing mountains, sliding down valleys, and hopping over ice floes. She passed by seals in the water, elk on land, and at one point saw a polar bear kicking back in an ice recliner with a bottle of Coca-Cola. Said bear then proceeded to chase her because while polar bears enjoy the crisp comforting taste of Coca-Cola, they also enjoyed mauling the shit out of passing hitchhikers.
Eventually, she arrived at an empty space with shining light. Opening her satchel, the humming of the white spear grew louder and louder. As gently as she could, she tossed the spear, skewering through jumping orca (making her wince) and an explorer (making her wince twice), watching as it landed in the snow. It then sank deeper and deeper until it disappeared.
In its place rose a mass of crystals and spires, fog billowing around and absorbing the light around it to change the structures to look gold. Explosions rocked the surrounding tundra until eventually in the place of a frozen waste stood a mighty fortress standing in solitude against the elements. Charlie walked closer to it, bumping into the camera on the way there-
"Ow!"
"Sorry~!"
-turning back only once to her old life of poverty, ridicule, and never once popping a bitch named Molly. She continued on, crossing more snow and ice until she arrived inside the strange and wonderous building that appeared from nothing. Inside, the crystals formed stairs, windows, and even a console where a rubber ducky sat. Carefully making her way towards it, she arrived and gave a hesitant gulp before giving the duck a squeeze. Light bloomed around Charlie until an image appeared before her of a man with a pale face, rosy cheeks, and an ever so familiar grin.
"My daughter..." The face began, "...you probably don't remember me, but my name is Lucifer Morningstar. I am your father." Charlie stared in awe. "By now, you are probably 18 years old, by Earth's standards, also probably still a virgin."
"N-No!"
"Yeah, you definitely are."
"Nuh-uh!"
"The fact you're arguing with a hologram of me even though I'm not actually listening to you is all I need to know that you are. Because I've been dead for many thousands of your years, and in my death, I have passed on the knowledge of everything I know of the universe onto you while you slept in your crib that I-"
"KHM!" Another voice interrupted.
"-that your mother built with her own two hands. There are many questions you have, I'm sure, and even though I can't be there to answer them, this... uh... Crap, I was gonna give it a cool name, but I completely forgot about it now. Um... Let's- Let's just call it the Thunderdome. That's a name everybody will remember, but nobody will actually know about."
"I was thinking Fortress of Solitude." Charlie commented, looking around.
He nodded. "Here, in this Thunderdome-"
"FortressofSolitude."
"-you will learn, and we shall find the answers together. What makes a good person? Can evil truly be redeemed? How much should I tip at a fast-food chain? These are not simple questions, and even in Heaven, there's no such thing as perfect. And I know you have a lot of questions right now, but for the sake of time, because I've got a burrito in the microwave, I'll try to answer them right now. So, uh, ask away."
"Wait, didn't you say you were a hologram and you can't actually respond?"
"Yup. And now you have two questions left."
"Wh- When did you start counting down questions?! That wasn't part of the deal!"
"Since always, and yes it was. One question left."
"This is such bullshit!"
"Language, young lady."
"Fuck you! You don't know me! You don't even know who I am!"
"Your name is Charlie Morningstar, and you are the last surviving member of the kingdom of Heaven... give or take a cousin or an evil dictator here or there. You were raised as a human, but you are not one of them; you have great powers, though you only know some of them." The hologram clapped its non-existent hands. "Alright, that's three questions, so time for me to-"
"That wasn't three questions. I was accusing you in my last statement. So I still have one question left!"
The microwave beeped behind Lucifer. "Ugh... Fine. You get one more question, honey, but that's it."
Charlie thought for a moment, then spoke. "Will you teach me everything right now?"
Lucifer was quiet. The beeping in his background continued, and his face showed he was clicking his tongue in annoyance, before sagging in defeat. "Anything for my little girl~."
Charlie smiled at her father.
"Hope you're not doing anything for the next twelve years, because that's all we're going to be doing now!"
"WAIT, WHAT-"
The Thunderdome/Fortress of Solitude then sank beneath the waves, trapping Charlie with her estranged father for the next twelve years.
