Kelly Webb's Animal Nature Subdues Baylor, 42-38
When #20 University of West Texas hosted the Baylor Bears last night, QB Kelly Webb turned to the natural world.
"The offensive line always struck me as an animal herd protecting the ball carrier," she told reporters after the game. "And the defensive players are like predators who are hunting the ball."
Kelly concocted fifteen gadget plays based on animal movements, and the Jackrabbits survived a shootout with the Bears, 42-38, in front of another sellout crowd.
"I read Optimal Evasion and Avoidance Tactics in Predator-Prey Interactions, by Weihs and Webb, for inspiration," said Kelly. "Their work on sighting angle trajectories let Josh get wide open for several big gains." She was referring to her favorite target, wide receiver Josh Miller, who had 11 catches, 3 for touchdowns.
At times, she had the offensive line move like a herd of elephants fighting off lions; at others, the team moved with the grace and speed of gazelles. Another "animal," running back Rooster Henderson, benefited from the strategy; he finished with 205 yards on just 22 carries.
On the other side of the ball, Kelly used the movement of wolf packs, hawks, sharks, and other predators to harass the Bears' vaunted offense, which had scored 63 points against #17 West Virginia. The result was two fumbles, two interceptions, a blocked punt, and three sacks of Baylor quarterback Nick Florence.
Kelly also used hunting and tracking techniques, such as short halts and passive counter tracking, to confuse Florence. At one point, she had middle linebacker Augie Howard conduct a loop ambush drill, a military maneuver, to force a Baylor fumble on 2nd and goal. The Jackrabbits are now 5-1 for the first time in forty years. Athletic Director Flasko made a rare appearance at the post-game press conference to say, "I'll admit, Coach Walker and I only named Kelly the quarterback as a publicity stunt. I never knew she'd use her brains to help us actually win games. By the way, you'll be able to buy "UWT Beats Baylor" shirts in the campus bookstore on Monday."
"I don't like all these wacko plays, but at least we're winning," said Rooster Henderson after the victory. "And I'm looking pretty good for the NFL scouts -- and the Heisman voters." The Jackrabbits are now in the Heisman race, the conference race, and possibly even the national title race; BCS rankings are announced today at 4:30 Central time.
When asked if she was going to watch the BCS rankings special on ESPN, Kelly replied, "What's the BCS?" The University of West Texas Jackrabbits is the fictional team depicted in the comedy screenplay PONYTAIL by Jason Ginsburg. More info here.
