Spring Rain and Coffee pt. 5
Summary: Two years have passed since the raid on Anteiku and dead seem to have come back to life.
Content: Female reader x Hide Nagachika, ghoul reader, shy reader, takes place during seasons 3 (Kaneki spoilers, Scarecrow spoilers)
Word Count: 3.8K
Song: "Need Ur Luv" by Charli xcx
A/N: And that's a wrap on this little fic! Thank you to those that do read it, I enjoyed writing it very much! 😊
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Two years had passed since Anteiku burned to the ground. Two long, bleak years. You tried not to let the events that happened there take you over. You even tried to finish school but--you just couldn’t. Not when the campus felt so--dull without him there. Not when you saw him around every corner and when the memories hurt you too damn much.
So you’d dropped out and spent months rotting in your apartment. You painted to try and keep yourself sane, but the art you produced was only a painful reflection of everything you missed.
Nishiki had been the one to come and check up on you. To get you out of your apartment and try and get you away from your grief…no matter how harsh the words and tough love had been.
Touka offered you a job at her coffee shop, :re, which Nishiki all but threatened you to take.
You didn’t like it. You hated it actually. You didn’t want to pretend to be happy all the time. You didn’t want to move on like you hadn’t lost someone so important to you.
And the worst of it was Haise Sasaki, a CCG officer who came to grab a coffee from time to time. A Dove and someone who looked very much like Kaneki.
Who was Kaneki.
The others had had to stop you from marching up to him and revealing your ghoul status when you’d first seen him sitting there, reading a book and sipping happily like he hadn’t been the one to do it. Hadn’t been the individual who had killed him.
You tried to not hate Hasie. You really did because you knew he wouldn’t want you to hate his best friend. Knew he had probably offered himself up on a silver platter to the crazed ghoul, just as he had to you.
You tried and you tried and you tried but it wouldn’t stick. Not when all you saw was Kaneki sitting there. Not when he had forgotten who he had killed.
The other’s issued you warnings anytime Haise visited and you took yourself very, very far away from the coffee shop every time.
Time past you blink after blink. Work, walk home, sleep. Work, walk home, sleep. It's all you did. All you were willing to do.
When Hinami was captured, you didn’t react. When the other went to help go rescue her, you couldn’t find the goodwill within you to help. And when Kaneki came back, really came back, he approached you despite the others warning him to just leave it.
He sat with you as you scribbled in your sketch pad, the drawings never once coming out the way you wanted. Not once.
He just sat with you. Said nothing. Like he knew nothing he would say would ever be good enough.
“I saw him, you know.” You spoke after the passing of a few, long minutes, voice tight and eyes never once leaving the page. “That night.” Again, Kaneki was quiet. So eerily quiet you almost thought he had got up and left. “I told him not to. I told him you weren’t you. Of course, he didn’t listen.”
“That…does sound like him.” He finally spoke. You snapped your eyes up to look at him. To find the guy who had taken your chance at happiness away and saw just how tortured he really was. Not just about his friend. But about everything. Saw just how hurt he was.
He’s doing his best to help everyone. Destroying himself to do it. Is what he would have said…what he would have wanted you to see.
“I can’t forgive you.” Kaneki nodded in understanding. “But Hide would.” Your throat tightened. Your grip on your pencil tightened. Pain unlike anything you had ever seen filled into Kaneki’s eyes then. Pain the amount of which was near terrifying. “You have a second chance, Kaneki, to be with the people you love.” You continued, starting back up on your drawing. “Don’t mess it up.”
“I’ll do my best.” And he left and you felt so--hollow. Neither angry or sad or anything. Just--empty.
Nishiki had brought you a cup of coffee you didn’t touch and sat with you for a long while afterward.
Cold rain drizzled over you and the gathered ghouls as they tried to decide what to do about what Kaneki had become. It was all back and forth you tried to keep up with. Tried to have feelings about, but ever since your talk with the man of the hour, you couldn’t even get angry. Just numb. It was such a strange feeling--to be so completely unbothered, but here you were doing just that and letting the rain dampen your hair and clothes.
The smell of spring rain filled your nose, pulling you from your dissociation.
Fresh. Clean. Different from the rain currently falling around you all.
It was a smell that had you glancing between hooded ghouls surrounding you to try and see who it belonged to. All you catch was a glimpse of Tsukiyama’s purple hair and the flash of Nishiki’s glasses and--
A gray robe blocked your vision and you allowed it, feeling yourself slowly slip into another bout of dissociation. Just stared blankly at the muddy grass and think of nothing.
A hand grabbed hold of your upper arm and began to guide you away suddenly. Rain wasn’t falling over your head anymore, you noted as you blinked rapidly to see who had you. It was Nishiki, looking more troubled than he had when Kaneki had turned into that beast.
“Did I miss something?” You asked, glancing around to find everyone still mulling about, as if waiting for their next move.
“Uh--yeah. Something.” Nishiki agreed, glancing back himself.
“What?” You questioned. When Nishiki didn’t answer you pulled him to a stop and went to head back towards the others, but he was quick to step in front of you. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Okay--just--shit, I don’t know why I didn’t just get Touka to do this.” He gruffed.
“Do what?” Nishiki watched you for a moment, worry clear in his eyes. Worry that was so unusual for Nishiki to have for anyone. “Nishiki.” You warned.
“Okay, okay. Well, there’s no good way to say it then to just say it so…he’s back.” You blinked up at Nishiki, confusion muddling around in your brain.
“You mean Kaneki? Great.” You deadpanned, “I don’t see why you needed to pull me out here to--”
“No, no. Not Kaneki. He’s back.” Your heart froze.
Spring rain.
Fresh and clean.
That’s what you’d smelled. A familiar smell. One you had worried day and night about forgetting and you had really smelled it because--if Nishiki wasn’t playing some mean joke--
With breath held, you looked past Nishiki’s tall form to scan over the now leaving crowd of ghouls slowly. To find Touka watching you, worry seeming to have permanently etched itself into her eyes, not just for her husband, but for you too. You definitely didn’t need her to worry, not with everything going on with her now, but, as she joined her Uncle and your eyes found the only figure still standing there in the rain, maybe you did need it. Maybe she was right to worry.
Your mind ran blank all over again. Your throat tightened so painfully you thought someone was trying to choke the life out of you.
You didn’t--how were you supposed to react to this?
You didn’t realize how bad your body was shaking till a solid hand came to rest on your shoulder.
“What do you want to do?” It was Nishiki's voice that sounded in your ear. Nishiki’s hand on your shoulder.
You took in that wild dirty blond hair and those brown eyes so richly deep you could get lost in them and--you didn’t know.
What had Touka done when you all thought Kaneki had died? What had Touka done when he had come back, but as Hasie? You knew what she’d done when Kaneki came back for real. She’d slapped him but then married him in the span of a few days.
Should you just do that? Just forgive him for--for not dying and go on with your life? Try to go back to--to normal?
Understanding.
That’s what shone in those rich brown eyes of his. Sad understanding, just as they always held for you. Because he always seemed to know what you were thinking--who you were and yet he always understood.
“Do you want to leave?” Nishiki asked again. You looked the ghost over again. Noted how he hadn’t once pulled that scarf, which covered his neck and face from the nose down, off.
“Yes.” Nishiki was quick to pull you away.
You didn’t turn back. Not once.
You fought not for Kaneki, but so you could sink your teeth into flesh and tear into it with your nails. You fought so you could feel something. So you could choke on the taste of blood and finally just break.
He had been alive.
This whole time.
He had been alive for two years and hadn’t come to find you. Hadn’t even sent a letter or an email. Nothing.
He had let you suffer through griefing him just for there to be nothing to grieve.
After everything was said and done, Nishiki had come to find you again.
“What are you going to do?” You asked, kicking a bit of rubble as you walked. “Are you going to try and fix things with Kimi?” Nishiki was quiet for a long time as the two of you walked down the destroyed street aimlessly.
“I think I’ll try.” He started, “Because that chick--I hate to say it but I missed the hell out of her. I love her enough to try and win her back.” You nodded, but said nothing in return. “You still don’t know what you’re gonna do about Hide?” Just hearing the name still made your heart ache.
“What would you do? If you had thought Kimi had died horribly only to find she was still alive. Alive and hadn’t even bothered to let you know?” Anger flashed in your chest as you spoke. You didn’t want to be angry. You didn’t want to feel this way towards him but--you couldn’t help it. Not when he had hurt you so, so bad.
“I don’t know.” Nishiki’s words only made you feel even more lost. “But I think I would at least hear her out…From what I know, there was a reason Hide didn’t come back.”
You had showered, changed, and covered yourself in a cocoon of blanks willing sleep to come and claim you. You needed sleep to come to keep you from thinking, but all you could do was think. Was struggle with what to do about Hide. It was maddening, really.
A soft knock on your door had your body tensing.
You knew it couldn’t be Nishiki. The two of you had grown closer as friends over the two years since Anteiku, but he was never eager to come to your apartment. Especially when it was still in the state it had been in for just as long. He’d said as much to you.
You knew it wouldn’t be Touka, too busy with Kaneki and being happy.
No one else would have possibly come knocking on your door. You had made a point of isolating yourself from others your whole life--keeping them just far enough from you to never cross over into that friend territory.
There was only one person you could think of that would be knocking on your door now and the idea of facing him only made your stomach tie into such a tight knot you thought you might puke.
Somehow, you found your body moving. Found yourself yanking your blankets off you body, shuffling your slippers on, and heading towards the door.
Fresh, clean spring rain and coffee filled your nostrils as you grew closer and closer. Smells that had you freezing when your hand grabbed for your door handle.
What would you say to him? Hi? How have you been? Why did he leave you for so long?
You opened your door just as he had begun to head back down the hallway.
You froze all over again when your eyes found him. Tensed up so painfully when his rich brown eyes turned back to find you.
Silence filled the hall for a long, long moment. Silence and the sound of halted breaths.
“I, uh,” Hide was the first to speak. A creaky, staticy sound you found his voice within easily but--but it wasn’t the same. Something wasn’t the same. You eyed that scarf covering his face from his nose all the way over his neck.
What had Kaneki done?
“I brought you coffee.” He continued, raising the white cup a bit to show you. “I know you think Starbucks’ coffee tastes burnt, but it was the only thing open right now.” He gave a sound that tried its struggling hand to be a huff in amusement. A sound that was more microphone feedback than anything else.
You hadn’t forgiven Kankei. And found as you imagined what lay under the scarf Hide wore, you probably never would, no matter how hard he tried to redeem himself.
“I think you’d be able to find less burnt coffee in hell.” Hide gave a cheery yet distorted laugh. A laugh that was still his. A laugh that tugged at your heart so much it hurt.
You never thought you’d be able to hear it again. Never thought you would see him again, let alone joke with him.
“You’re probably right.” His laughers calmed as you just--stared.
“Do you…” You started, voice breaking in utter betrayal of your will to keep it together. “Do you want to come in?” Hide’s eyes softened.
“I don’t want to intr--”
“Come in.” Again your voice betrayed you. Made you sound so frail. Hide gave a small nod and started towards you. You held your breath as you held the door open wider for him. Held your breath as he stepped into your apartment, his clean scent washing over you like a tidal wave.
You were quick to shut the door once he was inside. Quick understand just why Nishiki hated having to even look upon your home.
It was a mess.
Just a complete and utter mess.
Crushed coffee cans and crumbled bits of paper lay scattered around the floor in numbers that could have only been assessed from years of neglect. Unfolded newspapers lay over the floor of the living room, paint splattered all over it.
Two wooden easels stood on those newspapers, paintings you had abandoned still sitting there. More paintings you had abandoned leaned against the walls and sat in stacks. Sketches you had ripped from sketch pads lay amongst them and you even spotted a take-out container or two, residual blood of meals once within them still covering their insides.
You kicked the closest take-out container far away from immediate view. Began to pick up the cans you'd littered all over the floor.
“I--sorry about the mess.” Something like panic shone through your voice then. Something wound so tight it sounded like it might snap at any given moment.
You took the cans to the trash only to find that too was overflowing. Had needed to be taken out weeks ago, so you resorted to placing the cans you’d grabbed at its base.
“It’s okay.” Hide tried to comfort.
“It’s really not.” The words snapped out of you more sharp and fast than you had intended. But you couldn’t help it. Not when that ball in your chest was expanding and expanded out of your control.
You found rich brown eyes watching you. Rich brown eyes again filled with that understanding you only found yourself growing bitter towards. A bitterness you checked immediately as you rubbed your hands over your face. Rubbing at your eyes like you might gouge them out.
“I--I’m sorry.” You breathed.
“Why would you be sorry?” Hide asked softly. So soft it almost didn’t sound through whatever distortion was messing with his voice. You pulled your hands from your face to find his eyes once more.
“Because--” You felt that pit in your chest harden. Harden so much it began to crack under the pressure. “Because I want to be--be happy. I want to be excited that your--” Your voice quivered, it pulled pain to the forefront of Hide’s eyes. “I just--I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know how to act or what to do. I’m sorry I walked away from you the other day. I’m sorry that I don’t know.” Hide gave a small nod.
“I…I don’t expect you to know. I just…selfishly wanted to see you.” Tears burned in your eyes then. Because you too had only wanted to see him. Had only wanted to hold him when he was gone. It had been your only dreadful wish and now--now you could hardly bring yourself to look into his eyes. “Can I…explain? I don’t expect it to change anything. Hell, I don’t expect you to ever want to speak with me again but…can I please explain?”
“I think I would at least hear her out.” Was Nishiki’s answer to you. Nishiki, who was one of the most cynical, quick to turn things negatively, person you had ever met.
You found yourself nodding and Hide explained everything he had been doing for the last two years. How he had been trying to find a way to help Kaneki. To help you all. How in doing that he had gotten on the bad side of a very powerful and dangerous clan. How he had kept away to keep them from finding you. How he had disgusted himself as a low ranking ghoul called Scarecrow. How he hadn't even been able to start his dangerous mission for a whole year while he recovered.
“All I thought about was you.” Hide’s brown eyes shut then tightly. “I’m sorry. So sorry. I just wanted to keep you from getting hurt.” Eyes so full of pain and regret found yours. Eyes that only push tears to well and fall from your eyes in hot streams. “But I only hurt you by keeping you away. I never wanted to hurt you.”
“Can I…” You’re croaked after a moment of quiet passed between you two. Hide gave you his full attention, nodded slightly as if to say anything. “Let me see you.”
His nods stopped. His brown eyes grew a bit wider at the request.
“You don’t want to see that.” His voice came out small. Scared. Unlike anyway you had heard him speak before. It was--insecure. And Hide was never insecure.
What had Kaneki done?
“P-please? I do.” You saw Hide’s fingers flex at his side.
“Are you gonna point and call me a freak?” He tried at being humorous again, but that fearful tremble never once left his voice. Tears fell faster from your eyes as you gave him a quivering smile.
“Never.” Hide watched you for a moment longer before his hands reached for that pale gray scarf.
The skin starting from his just below his right ear and crossing all the way over to the left had been ripped off. Bits of flesh too. The flesh of his left cheek had been completely consumed. Teeth and bone having been devoured in Kaneki’s gorge too.
The damage ran down the center of his throat, veering off to the left over his collarbone and disappearing under his jacket. A speaker-like device had been implanted into the base of his throat; the reason why his voice had been so distorted.
Your lips cut into a deep, trembling frown as you fought off the strangled sob that wished to bubble its way out of your throat.
You knew he wouldn’t want you to cry for him. Not for this. You knew him well enough to know he didn’t blame Kaneki for it. Was glad he had done it, as messed up as you thought it was.
“Creepy, right?” Again he tried to cover his vulnerability with humor. You closed the distance you’d left between you two instantly. Coming so close you were invaded by his familiar scent and could see every last detail of the damage done to him.
You brought your hand upward, going ever so slowly as to give him enough time to push your hand away if he wished. He never did and your fingertips felt over the line between smooth, warm skin and the rough scarring of his right cheek.
“You’re,” His eyes were big--watery like a kicked puppy dog’s. A small, choked sob sounded through the voice apparatus that tore at your heart so deeply. “Perfect.”
“You don’t have to pretend.” He managed to get out, shoulders drooping low.
“Why would I pretend?” You grazed your fingers higher to brush some of his dirty blond hair away from his forehead. Touches Hide leaned into, the watery pools lining his eyes threatening to break. “You’ve never once been anything other than perfect to me.” Hide said your name so small--so weak in the emotion washing through him.
“I missed you…” Tears streamed down his unmarred and marred cheeks. Tears you wiped away. “I know it’s not fair of me--too miss you like this when I left, but--” You gently guided him closer so that you could wrap your arms around him tightly. Hold him close to you and breathe in his scent and feel his presence--feel that he truly was here with you.
Hide’s arms were quick to hold you back just as tight, burying his forehead into your neck. His body shook in the force of his held back cries.
And though you were still hurt by him, you could no longer find it within yourself to keep being angry. To keep yourself from him when he had been dead for two years. Had been dead, never to come back.
All you had wanted during that time was for one last chance to say you loved him. One last chance for him to hold you and kiss you and laugh with you.
“I--I miss you too. God, Hide--” You couldn’t keep your own sobs from spilling from your lips either. “Please don’t leave me again. Please.” You begged, burying your face in his hair. “Please I can’t--I love you too much. I love you so much. It almost killed me, you dying I can’t--please don’t leave.” Hide nuzzled his forehead and face deeper into your neck, pulled you so close there was only the clothes on your back keeping you two separate.
“I--I won’t. It’s over. I’m--I love you so goddamn much.” His fingers dug into your flesh as if he could permanently latch himself to you. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Promise me you’ll stay.” You begged on your breaking voice. Begged as you slumped into him and he slumped into you.
“I promise.”
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