#high-effort shitposting

[vacuously-true]

Technically, seven hours faster than biking. Way slower and more expensive than Amtrak tho.

My friend enjoyed the process video and said I should add it to the post so here it is:

[chordsykat]

The one where Caj and Skwisgaar form a gender-neutral guitar-only Genesis cover band called "Phil Collins."

Censored titties because Tumblr.

[whumpster-fire]

Recent Titles I Have Acquired

Honorary Alumnus of the University of Phoenix

International Man of Memes

Knight of the Clown Table

Ordained Minister of the Universal Life Church

Most Likely to be Personally and Specifically Condemned by the UN Security Council (as voted by my high school senior class by unheard of margins)

Employee of the Month (later revoked due to that motherfucker Jerry)

Second-Chair Air Violinist of the Wyola, Montana Philharmonic Orchestra

"Worst Pirate I’ve Ever Heard of” (awarded by Special Agent Hugh Cox of the Federal Bureau of Investigations’s Really Cool Crimes Division shortly after foiling my plot to illegally download the USS Constitution off of Limewire and use it to perform shore bombardment of Salt Lake City by making Great Salt Lake so shallow that I ran aground near Molly’s Nipple. Those Mormon landlubbers never would’ve seen it coming)

Honorary Alumnus of Subway Sandwich University

Warrior-Poet

Guinness World of Record, “Most consecutive clown egg designs rejected by the Clown Egg Registry”

Supreme Ruler of Danbury, Ct (disputed)

Senior Secretary to the Deputy Vice President of the “Received A Lifetime Ban From An Applebee’s In All 48 Contiguous States And the District Of Columbia” Club

Fresh Prince of Bel Aire (title inherited following previous holder’s disgrace and abdication)

Guinness World Record Holder, “Most Bones Broken During A Single Trampoline Stunt” (later revoked due to rules revision requiring that all bones broken belong to record holder)

Guinness World Record Holder, “Most Casualties and Collateral Damage Caused By A Single Trampoline Stunt” (record subsequently discontinued due to “encouraging poor moral character”)

"Best Pirate I’ve Ever Seen” (awarded by Special Agent Hugh Cox of the Federal Bureau of Investigations’s Really Cool Crimes Division shortly after successful shore bombardment of Milwaukee, Wisconsin using illegally downloaded armored cruiser USS Olympia)

President of Hell’s Angels Cedar Rapids, Iowa Chapter (title gained through single combat, subsequently abdicated after instituting rule limiting engine displacement to 50cc so that I can get some peace and goddamn quiet)

Cryptid “Some maniacally giggling vaguely humanoid being in Groucho Glasses,” last seen in Stroudsburg, PA, 2019

The Scourge of Syracuse

Guinness World Record Holder, “Noise Complaints Caused in Most Cities Within a 1-Hour Timespan” (record actually set during my famous 1973 “Carbon-Phenolic Ablative Ball Run” from St. Augustine to San Diego with a time of 1:57:23, but only recently officially recognized after previous record holder was retroactively disqualified for use of atomic weaponry. Record discontinued 2 weeks later at urging of Texas and Arizona state patrols for fear that future attempts would be made using same route). The Smithsonian Air and Space Museum has once again denied my application to display the record setting vehicle “SuckMyFuckingBallsCops Geraldine” unless they are granted permission to paint over and censor the name and the “obscene” (sic) nose art, which I will not stand for as it is a violation of my 1st Amendment rights.

Guinness World Record Holder, “Most Casualties from Single Errant Golf Shot,” set on August 28th, 2021 at the Sunnyside Country Club Golf Course in Fresno, CA, using a 5-iron from the tee box at the 13th Hole. Number of casualties was 45 at the time of Guinness discontinuing the record to discourage future attempts, but has since increased to 61 and may continue to increase as more victims are discovered.

Guinness World Record Holder, “Holder of Most Discontinued World Records”

The Defiler of Barstow (I am currently disputing this title with the National Barbarian Pillaging Association as city was already in defiled state long before my arrival)

Personally and Specifically Condemned by the UN Security Council for willdly successful shore bombardment of Puno, Peru and Copacabana, Bolivia using illegally downloaded HMS Trincomalee

Personally responsible for Copacabana, Bolivia now holding Guinness World Record for Highest Altitude City To Be Bombarded By Pirate Ship, unseating previous record holder of Tahoe City, California although city has so far not answered my requests to have statue erected next to commemorative plaque

Gold Member of my local public radio station. I have the thank you coffee mug to prove it.

[fortissimohands-archive]

Pokemon protagonists as things the Doctor from Doctor Who did

(this post is the reason for my title and URL I swear to god)

Red: Deposed a prime minister by saying 6 words

Green/Blue/Leaf/whatever the fuck the girl in FRLG is called: Was accused of killing the president and was about to be executed, so enrolled as a candidate for presidency because “you can’t execute me until after the election is over now”

Ethan/Gold: Stole the president’s wife and the moon -- wait, no sorry, that’s a common myth. He actually stole the president’s daughter and just lost the moon.

Crystal/Kris: Married someone in order to persuade the person to kill them

Lyra: Had a really pretty rose. Accidentally left it on a beach. In a parallel universe.

May: Complained about colour of kidneys.

Brendan: Saved the planet by throwing a mandarin at someone.

Dawn: Traveled with best friend for several months while knowing the friend had been replaced by a clone because the friend was pregnant.

Lucas: Told an intelligent car to drive into a lake and drown him.

Hilda: Spent 4.5 billion years punching a diamond wall to get a girlfriend

Hilbert: Was told that pressing a button would cause 1/3 of Earth’s population to commit suicide. Immediately pressed the button.

Nate: Had a swimming pool and a library in his house. Don’t be ridiculous, that’s impossible -- he actually had a swimming pool in a library in his house.

Rosa: Was determined to die while also being determined not to die. Upon seeing a sexist old guy, is inspired to both die and not die, resulting in her turning into a girl and falling out of a spaceship.

Calem: Read aloud off a transcript of a conversation he was still having.

Serena: Promised to be back in 5 minutes. Was back in 12 years.

Moon/Selene: Discovered a hole in time and space. Threw a fez into it.

Elio/Sun: Discovered a crack in the fabric of time and space. Jumps into it and only survives because someone’s daughter from the future left a diary at their wedding.

Victor: Was dying from radiation poisoning and used his final moments to help a pansexual immortal get a boyfriend.

Gloria: Married Elizabeth I, then accidentally angered her by accusing her of being a shapeshifting duplicate