#holster af

[halfabreath]

Ransom goes on Grindr to do some research for a PowerPoint he’s preparing for Bitty after he comes out and the first thing he sees is someone named Adam who is 4 feet away from him whose profile just says “6’4, bottom, can’t host, I BYOMC (bring my own maid costume), not asstounding but I get the job done”

[halfabreath]

Holster goes on Survivor after graduating, part 2

here! we! go! part one here, tag here

so Holster's got a strategy to update and an ex lover to deal with and like. He and Esther didn't end great.

I feel like we don’t talk enough about why Holster’s chirped so much for hooking up with Esther in canon? Like there’s mention of a rash and a saga that requires an email but we don’t really know?

but essentially Holster likes Esther and is made fun of for it and I can’t imagine that feels good for her? And they probably didn’t do it in front of her but surely that’s not great for anyone’s mindset

Holster and Esther start dating after Winter Screw and she’s so enamored with this sweet dork who sings to himself while he brushes his teeth but the second he’s around his friends she feels like he doesn’t change per se but he showcases such different parts of himself and she likes what he doesn’t show! She’s into that! But that’s Holster like a large percentage of the time and Esther’s got a life of her own so they’re on again off again, Esther doesn’t come to kegsters or games and things fizzle and reignite a couple of times until Holster becomes a captain

Esther knows in her bones Holster will never ever ever ever ever ever choose her over his team (especially Ransom, like what’s the deal there?) and honestly Esther Does Not Enjoy having intimate conversations about how things make her feel and she’s really good at talking her way around her problems so when They break up Esther’s trying to articulate how she feels around SMH she says “I hate who you are when your uniform is on” and for Holster, who’s entire identity rests on being on A Team (literally his position on the team is being part of a tiny two person team within the larger team) this is his life this is what makes him happiest this is how he feels most himself so Holster hears “I hate the thing that makes you you”

So yeah! They broke up and then avoided each other and didn’t really get closure but also neither of them are bitter, it just felt kind of like “man I miss hanging out with them but yikes who was I at that point??”

of COURSE the first challenge involves the exes having to work together in pairs for their tribe and it’s a clusterfuck and Esther is downright cold to him. She’s sending him all the bad vibes in the world and Holster’s now legitimately worried he destroyed her life with their breakup because there’s some tangible animosity there and then they lose the first challenge and Holster’s wondering why he even got out of bed this morning when Esther pops up behind him and says “come with me, I need your long ass arms for coconuts”

The SECOND they’re out of earshot from the camp Esther‘s like “I’m really sorry I was so mean but I think it’s a huge advantage for the rest of the exes to think we hate each other so they don’t suspect an alliance”

Holster: So you don’t hate me? We’re good?

Esther: Good isn’t the word I’d use, Adam

Holster: That’s fair, I wasn’t a very good boyfriend. But I’ve got your back and we’re going to the top three, you good with that? Here, have a coconut wait let me open it for you

Bada bing bada boom, alliance

Don't get me wrong, it's awkward. Like, really awkward. The vibe of this island is uncomfortable and the near-constant rain for the first five days certainly doesn’t help and their tribe loses three immunity challenges in a row so this alliance is TESTED but Esther and Holster always surreptitiously check in by having lightning fast strategy sessions by the well or when everyone has left camp and they’re SO careful to maintain the illusion that they hate each other when they’re actually earning back trust day by day

Holster’s SUPER helpful around camp. He always offers to carry heavy things and makes people laugh and always knows exactly where the machete is and delivers coconuts to people when they’re resting but it’s miserable

There’s this SWEET moment where, after watching Esther shiver for three days straight Holster takes the machete to the woods and cuts off the bottom half of his sweatshirt to make a scarf/towel/wrap for Esther and they pretend like she did it out of spite and honestly? It’s a power move that helps Holster gain access to this smaller faction of people so they have more intel because the other contestants are like this helpful strong idiot need someone to look out for him

It also means Holster’s running around this island in a cropped sweatshirt and compression shorts

The Himbofication of Adam Birkholtz is complete

And even though Holster’s constantly surrounded by people, hungry, wet, participating in incredibly strenuous physical challenges, and at Tribal Council every night it’s still better than having to hear Ransom say they’ll never be together

Esther can fully tell Something Is Up. At first she just thought it was the stress of the game and the circumstances but then during a challenge she and Holster are on a platform way out in the water waiting for their turns on a relay race and they’re actually completely alone for the first time in days and she absolutely uses that time to interrogate Holster because she’s efficient, damn it

And Holster’s annoyed she’s taking his head out of the game and he’s exhausted and hungry and he’s the last leg of their team which means if he loses they all go to Tribal AGAIN and he can’t let his team down, he really can’t so the whole thing bursts out because he just wants her to stop and it goes like:

Esther: Look, I know you’re annoyed but you’re not telling me something and I think you can see why that would be concerning to me given the fucking context

Holster: It doesn’t have anything to do with the game, you know I’d never jeopardize this for us

Esther: No, that’s not what I think it’s just -

Holster: Holy hell, all I did was tell Ransom that I’m in love with him, are you happy?? NOW SWIM, SHAPIRO

Esther, while diving: I FUCKING KNEW IT

Holster, under his breath: that makes one of us, you could have told me. saved me a lot of time. Rude.

So now Holster’s just admitted this before his ex and 7 million viewers and oh yeah he’s gotta swim through an obstacle course so he and his team can eat today

And finally, FINALLY, their tribe wins. Holster gives it everything he’s got to gain ground (water?) and win it for the team and he’s just laying in the sand, trying desperately to catch his breath, Jeff Probst screaming in the background, while his whole tribe swarms him and if he closes his eyes he swears he can feel the ice under his feet and hear the clack of the sticks and pucks and it’s the first celly he’s earned in years and it feels incredible but it makes him ache for Samwell

Jeff notices that he’s tearing up and of COURSE asks what it’s all about and Holster’s swallowing back tears when he says “I’ve spent my whole life playing on one team or another and after graduating from college I suddenly wasn’t? And I didn’t know how much I missed it until I was on a team again and I even though I love my friends I think this is the first time I’ve let myself admit that things aren’t like they used to be and that I’m not, either”

So Ether’s watching her ex cry on national television and for the first time she understands exactly how deeply he loves his team? And how hard he tries to make them proud of him? And suddenly a lot of their relationship makes a hell of a lot more sense

After the challenge Holster’s laying in a hammock and Esther rolls into it with him and just says “We’re good. Top three?”

Holster, beaming: Bro! Top three!

Esther: What did I tell you about calling me bro when we’re cuddling

Holster: I thought that only applied to post-coital romantic cuddling? Unless of course you’re trying to tell me that you’re ARDENTLY in love with me

Esther: shut up

Holster: a heart full of LOVE a heart full of SONG NO FEAR NO REGRET A NIGHT AS BRIGHT AS DAY -

Ether: Hi, guys?? can someone vote me off this island please?

Part 3 coming soon!! This is so much!! But I fuckin love it!!

[halfabreath]

So a key part of Holster on Survivor is just the ridiculous shit he says to Jeff Probst and here are some of my favorites (Part 2 is coming tomorrow I’m just already exhausted on a Monday):

“Jeff, when you’ve lived in a haunted attic as long as I have, a leaky hut on the beach during hurricane season doesn’t look so bad”

“Jeff, I’ve cleaned bong water off of antique hardwoods in a tiny apron and four inch heels so holding a wooden statue on a 14ft pole for forty five minutes really wasn’t that hard in the grand scheme of things”

“Jeff, I dedicated most of my life to a sport that features fistfights and literal knives as part of the uniform, Tribal Council is a really nice vacation from that”

“Well, Jeffrey, I told my heterosexual best friend that I’m in homosexual love with him thirty seconds before leaving for this show and now my ex-girlfriend is my only hope of fulfilling the first meaningful aspiration I’ve had since I was seventeen years old. How’s your week going?”

[halfabreath]

AU where Jack, as a youth, briefly bopped around showbiz under a stagename so he could actually try it without getting cast just because of his name and he was really drawn to voice acting because people know his family and his face but they don’t know how he sounds and then y’know hockey took over

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that Jack is the singing voice of one of the Backyardigans and the only other person who knows is Holster because he was ALSO a voice actor for the Backyardigans as a youth (he’s specifically responsible for the he UGH. You know the one) and they have a tense but deeply serious pact to never ever ever ever ever talk about it

[halfabreath]

fellas is it funnier if Holster is the tallest person in his family by a foot or if he’s the shortest person in his family by the same amount I’m in too deep to be objective

[halfabreath]

Some Adam “Holster” Birkholtz headcanons I will take to my grave after thinking about him every day for several years:

He’s dyslexic

His parents met when his mom was studying abroad and Holster was kind of her souvenir from the semester but then his dad came to the states a few years later and they reconnected

He hates Ransom’s salmon shorts because they’re preppy and he loathes prep culture, NOT because they’re pink. Y’all know Adam Birkholtz wore a “real men wear pink” shirt circa 2009

His family didn’t have much financial security so he stays at Samwell every summer to do landscaping so he can A. make money and B. not take up space in his mom’s apartment in the summer because his three sisters are there too and it’s a lot of big mouths to feed

He always thought going pro would solve his family’s financial problems but that didn’t happen so he contributes in any way he can

He and his Bubbe are super close, they make challah together several times a year and he’s actually really good at braiding

Holster is adamant that Frasier is the pretentious overhyped shitty younger sibling to the infinitely superior Cheers but he also uses examples from Frasier every time he gets stoned and infodumps about the plot mechanics of sitcoms and references it more and laughs out loud more often per episode but no one wants to take the 7 hours out of their day it would take to convince Holster that he probably prefers Frasier so it hasn’t come up (Jack considers it after Holster beats him in their yearly game of Settlers of Catan but Bitty talks him down)

Speaking of drugs, Holster and Ransom get stoned and watch Golden Girls at least once a month

Adele is to Holster as Beyoncé is to Bitty

A short selection of the songs Holster loves to sing perform in the car: Skid Row from Little Shop of Horrors, Yoga by Janelle Monáe, Alone by Céline Dion, probably like 40% of Les Mis, and every Lonely Island song

Holster didn’t let go of his dream of playing in the NHL until he showed up to work with Ransom on the first day of their consulting jobs and he will never, ever admit that

Holster has an encyclopedic knowledge of celebrity cameos and small parts from before they got famous and takes great delight in referring to well known people by their lesser known roles, ex: he refers to Bruce Willis as “one of Rachel Green’s boyfriends”

He strongly prefers tea to coffee

The man loves baths. Sincerely, unapologetically, just really really into baths. They’re also a rare luxury because finding a tub large enough for him to fully spread out in is hard but when it happens he gets SO excited

Holster sings in the locker room shower after every single practice

He had a Lego Stopmotion home video phase as a Youth

Sigh he’s invested in cryptocurrency I know I know

[halfabreath]

Just thinking about how Holster and Ransom’s jersey numbers are 4 and 11 because they give Bitty the 411 during Hockey Shit

[halfabreath]

I feel like at least once Holster was singing a showtune and the lyrics are just a direct killshot to Jack.

Holster, belting while doing dishes: ‘cause once you’re with the wizard, no one thinks you’re strange! No father is not proud of you, no sister acts ashamed, and all of Oz has to love you wh-

Jack: Good thing you don’t defend like you wash those things are filthy you’re missing so many spots

Holster, with feeling, while doing homework at the kitchen table: I’ll do my best, what else can I do? Since I wasn’t born perfect like dad or you

Jack: Birkholtz, laps.

Holster, in the shower: for the first time in my life I am not outside the moment, with a camera in between me and the world I think I know. For the first time in my life I somehow part of something -

Jack, choked up: YOU. Bag skate. Next practice. Don’t even argue. What’s the name of that song. You’re cleaning up pucks too.