Choices: Stories You Play, by Pixelberry Studios
Bloodbound (Spoilers up to Book 3 Chapter 6)
Again, this is a stand-alone response to the latest chapter. Now we’ve been un-alive for a month, I had feelings about how we’d adjust. This is pretty much where I think we’d go. Julia is a random name I gave to the woman who volunteers to feed you in chapter 1.
Julia rubbed my back, comfortingly as the dry heaves she had got used to subsided. I curled up and rested my head in her lap while she did her shirt back up.
“It’s been a month,” I said, despondently, closing my eyes as she traced her fingers through my curly hair, “Why aren’t I over this yet?”
Julia didn’t say anything, although her gentle caresses became stronger. She had never blamed me for nearly losing control, when she gave me my first true meal since… I died. It was merciful that vampires don’t need to eat as often as humans do. The next time I started craving blood and went to the volunteer clinic, Jax in tow to keep an eye on me, in the basement of the Raines’ building, she had sought me out and offered her neck to me.
Just like the first time I’d fed, immediately afterwards I’d dropped to the floor, hacking and coughing. My stomach had convulsed as though I was going to vomit, but thankfully nothing came up. Despite maintaining control this time and only drinking as much as my body plainly needed, guilt and shame were the only things I could feel.
I’d fed maybe a dozen times since then. All but one had been with Julia. The other had been a young man who Julia insisted I… taste… just in case there was some unusual issue – can vampires be allergic to a particular type of blood?
Every time ended the same way. I felt sick, physically and mentally, every time.
“Sweetie,” Julia said, stroking my cheek, “Don’t expect too much. I’m here for you and I know that it’s not because of me that you’re feeling like this.”
I smiled vaguely. Julia was reclining on the old sofa in the apartment I’d used to share with Lily, and I was laying in the foetal position with my head on her lap. Over the past month, she’d become the person I was most comfortable confiding in. The others – the people who had become my family over the past year – had all been so overjoyed to see me back after my violent death that I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting them with the truth.
“Lily came to speak to me yesterday,” Julia said, in the tones of someone cradling a bombshell, “She wasn’t aggressive, but she was clearly a little annoyed with me.”
I frowned, knowing that there was no way I was getting away from the conversation this time, and sat up, rubbing my forehead wearily.
“I understand why you haven’t told them,” Julia said, putting her arm around my shoulder; I hugged her back, “Especially Lily. But they’re all starting to notice something is odd about you. Lily was subtly accusing me of trying to steal her girlfriend…”
“Her girlfriend?” I snorted, pouring a lot of disdain into the noise, “She’s always believed in open relationships anyway.”
“She said as much,” Julia whispered, still trying to keep me calm. The fact that she needed to fear me losing my temper felt as bad as the one time I’d caught a beam of sunlight, “But she pointed out that you and she haven’t been alone together since you Turned.”
“I’ve spent time with her and put up a show of being close,” I lied. I had tried to relax myself around her and accepted her shows of affection when we were in public, but I’d very carefully orchestrated things so that we never managed to get a moment alone. It was easiest when we were around Rheya, since the council had been disbanded. The First’s affect on all vampires – myself included, although I seemed not to be as enamoured as all my friends were – meant that Lily could be distracted from the obvious relationship problems I was hiding, “What am I supposed to do? Tell her that I hate her for turning me into a vampire. I did it to her first, and she did it because she loves me…”
“You don’t think keeping it a secret from her will hurt more?” Julia said, quite sensibly, finally letting me go and standing up. She was very pretty and every nerve in my hyper-sensitive vampire body wanted more. She saw my expression and smiled again.
“I’m sorry, Julia,” I winced as I stood, “I know – believe me, all too well – that one of the best things about volunteering to provide food for… one of us… is the affection.”
“I don’t need that, Bobbi,” she insisted, kissing me on the cheek and going to collect her coat, “I know you don’t want to give in to that and I know why. It’s fine. I’m just trying to help you deal with this.”
“You’re too good to me,” I replied, kissing her chastely on her soft, tasty lips. I managed to resist the temptation to extend my fangs again and walked her to the door, “Make sure you go and get someone else to make up for my deficiencies. I don’t want you to miss out on it…”
As I opened the door Lily yelped. She’d been stood on the far side, hand raised as though to knock. She was wearing a long trench coat and a curious expression. Knowing how well her… our senses worked, I suspected she’d caught at least the end of the conversation.
“Oh, Bobbi,” she said, unconvincingly trying to look casual, “I was passing and thought I’d see if you were awake. I didn’t know you had company over.”
She made as though to leave, but Julia pushed past her quickly and walked towards the lift.
“I was just going, Lily,” she said, looking pointedly at me over her shoulder, “Don’t worry about it.”
We stood there, either side of the threshold of the apartment we’d once both called home. The moment dragged on, each second more awkward than the last. Eventually, I relented and stepped back, nodding inside. Lily walked in, her usual confidence apparently gone, and stood in the middle of the corridor. I realised that she could see into my bedroom and shut both doors rapidly.
“You’ve only got a single bed, now?” she asked, as we walked through to the lounge, “What happened to your old one?”
“I couldn’t keep it out of morning sunlight easily,” I lied, “Adrien wasn’t able to get the UV filters on my windows in all the mess, so I got the single so I could stay out of the sun.”
“Oh… okay…” she looked at me uncertainly. Neither of us sat, and the moment was still painfully awkward, “It must be a little uncomfortable when your little snack stays overnight?”
I winced, still not used to Lily’s jokes from this perspective, and walked into the half-kitchen to disguise my discomfort.
“Would you like a drink?” I asked, trying to shift the mood.
“I had some in the volunteer basement before I came over,” she said, casually and suddenly falling silent as I slammed a bottle of wine on the counter, “Didn’t you just?”
“I meant wine, Lily!” I snapped, not turning to face her. She hadn’t moved, I could tell from the way air buffeted the bare skin of my shoulders, “Like we used to do, sit up with a bottle of wine and chat.”
“Okay,” her voice was hesitant, and she started walking towards the door, “Clearly we have a problem and you don’t want to talk about it…”
“I know you overheard Julia and me talking,” I said, taking a glass and accidentally shattering it in my grip. I growled at myself and gave up, storming back into the lounge and sitting on one of the single chairs, “How much did you hear?”
“Not much,” she admitted, knowing better than to lie about this. She sat in the sofa opposite me, her eyes running over my face in a mix of worry and curiosity, “Only you saying… you hadn’t… y’know. I was surprised. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I had been disappointed because I wanted to be your first time since Turning…”
She stopped instantly. I guess I couldn’t hide my facial expression when she mentioned it. After a pause, when it was clear I still wasn’t going to speak my mind, she continued the sentence.
“Yeah, your first time… I can’t believe you haven’t slept with anyone for the whole month?”
“How about you?” I asked, plastering on a smile even I didn’t believe, “Managed to talk Rheya into bed yet?”
Mentioning the Vampire Queen nearly had the effect I wanted. Lily’s eyes went hazy and she smiled as though in heaven.
“No,” she admitted, smirking shyly, “I’d love to, but I don’t think she’s up for it yet. And I didn’t… I mean…”
She fixed me with the powerful stare I’d fallen in love with six months ago, smiling but with a worried cast to her eyes, “I was waiting for you.”
“You don’t need to do that, Lil,” I said, looking away, embarrassed.
“I wanted to,” she said, earnestly. I sensed she wanted to close the gap between us, but the coffee table was making a subtle barrier, “I worried every time you slipped away. It was like you didn’t want to see me.”
“Why wouldn’t I?” I looked out of the window, mentally cursing the fact that yet another lie had been that Adrien hadn’t applied the UV filter to the glass yet. Sunrise wasn’t far off, “I’ve just been so busy helping out as the council was dissolved and getting New York back on its feet.”
“That excuse might have worked for a couple of weeks, sweetheart,” she said, an edge coming to her voice, “But the others have noticed it too. I thought you might be getting a thing for that girl – I confess, I was feeling jealous – but now I find out you haven’t slept with her? What about Kamilah? Jax or Adrien?”
I looked at her, suddenly feeling like we were back before either of us had ever heard of the Vampire Council. She grinned at my sarcastic expression.
“You’ve slept with some men, it might have happened,” she giggled, “You’ve only ever been mostly gay… Wait, are you seriously telling me that you’ve been a vampire for more than a month and you’re still an afterlife virgin?”
She looked incredulous and amused, openly laughing when my expression must have given the truth away instantly. She stood up and dropped her trench coat, revealing her almost-naked, lingerie-clad body to me. It was calculated to hit my libido like a sledgehammer. A black silk basque tightly hugged her ebony waist and a leather bra/thong combo accentuated her curves. I couldn’t stop my eyebrows and heart rate suddenly raising.
“I’d come over here because I finally wanted to get our relationship back on track,” she said, cocking a hip and beckoning me forward with a seductive finger, “I didn’t think that it would be such a big deal.”
“I’m sorry, Lil,” I said, turning my head away with difficulty, “I’m not in the mood, tonight.”
“You know that doesn’t work anymore?” she asked, tones of incredulity in her voice, “I can hear your heartbeat and I know you can hear mine…”
She wasn’t wrong; her pulse raced every time she looked in my direction. Once upon a time I would have found that flattering, but in that same ‘once upon a time’ I wouldn’t have been able to tell.
“So, what is the issue?” she asked, dropping back onto the sofa, but hooking one leg over the arm in an aggressively seductive pose, “I thought you might be having a thing with… her… but you’re not. I thought you might have been with one of the other gorgeous women we know, but you haven’t. I can’t work out what’s going on, Bobbi. I was terrified I had lost you, then it turned out I hadn’t but… I may as well have. What is wrong?”
“Every time I…” I couldn’t bring myself to say ‘feed’ or ‘drink’ out loud, it made things too real, “Every time I get hungry, Julia is there to help out. She doesn’t expect anything of me and she listens to me.”
“You’ve only fed on her?” Lily asked, still with undertones of incredulity, but clearly trying to ask casually, “You’re missing out. Everyone tastes different. Of course, no-one tastes as good as you do…”
“Every time I… do…” I felt my stomach heave at the memory, “I feel like I’m going to throw up. Not just subtly, I’m forced to the floor, dry-heaving and everything.”
“That’s odd…” Lily said, looking at me with wide eyes, “I’ve never had anything like that. It probably is just something incompatible between you and her-“
“It’s not just her,” I snapped. I was worried, we were getting dangerously close to me saying things I couldn’t take back, “I’ve tried someone else and the same thing happens. I’m sorry Lily, maybe you should head home.”
“Well, the sun’s coming up,” she said, defiantly, “so that would be difficult. You’re obviously hiding something, Bobbi. Please, tell me what’s wrong?”
“It’s guilt,” I snapped again, then threw a hand over my mouth. But despite my desire to bite back the word, I knew now I had to continue. Slowly I lowered my hand, “I feel guilty drinking blood. Even when it’s freely offered. I drink it and it’s the best flavour I’ve ever experienced-“
“It’s great, isn’t it?” Lily, failing to read the room, chimed in.
“But, immediately afterwards I feel guilt and shame at having to drink it,” I finished. I paused, waiting to see if Lily would pick up on the implications. She remained silent, but shifted so that she was sat in a more appropriate pose, “I don’t let myself enjoy it, or anything. Because I hate having to drink blood. I hate being a vampire. Every time I look at you, I can’t see anything except the woman who did this to me.”
I breathed heavily once or twice, holding my hand up to delay the obvious and justified response, until I could finish the train of thought.
“And that makes the guilt worse, Lily,” I continued, looking at her frowning, wounded expression, “Because I know I have no right to resent you for the choice you made. I made the choice for you, in this very room. You were forced to become a vampire because Gaius wanted to manipulate me, and I couldn’t live without you. Why should I fault you for doing the same thing, especially considering how we’d grown closer since?”
“You said you forgave me,” she said, her voice hollow, and her eyes averted. It was worryingly subdued.
“I was still in shock, I was panicking,” I admitted, glancing up as a ray of filtered sunlight brushed over my cheek, “I said what I thought you needed to hear. I hadn’t even thought about what I really felt yet. Then there was the chaos of New York, and then Rheya turned up…”
“Surely that made things better?” Lily’s voice did the familiar up-turn at the mention of the First’s name, “She seems to be able to fix everything…”
“I don’t like her,” I admitted, drawing a shocked, almost horrified gasp, “Oh, obviously when I’m around her, everything is perfect. But… it’s not right…”
“Well, you’re clearly losing your mind,” Lily said, only half joking, “She’s the goddess we need, Bobbi. Maybe if you open yourself up to her, you can accept your new place in the world?”
“You can see I lied, Lily?” I said, holding my hand up in the dawn’s light. “I got rid of the double bed about a week ago. It was the first night that Julia came to see me here instead of me going down to the volunteer basement.”
“I thought you said you didn’t sleep together?” Lily, now Rheya wasn’t the topic, shifted back to her slightly hurt, slightly worried tones.
“I’d made an appointment to meet her in the basement that night,” I continued, ignoring the interruption, “But I didn’t turn up. She checked in with Adrien, who gave her my address, and she came to see me here. She found me, hunched in the bedroom, covered in stab wounds. I’d shattered the bed and had been trying to stake myself. Turns out, it’s hard to do it yourself.
“She made me drink, the wounds healed, and I told her exactly why I’d been trying to kill myself,” I said, standing and walking towards the bedroom. Lily reached out to take my wrist, but my enhanced reflexes let me avoid her hand, “I bought the single bed, so that I wouldn’t be as tempted to sleep with someone. Before that, I’d tried to go out onto the roof at noon, but the pain stopped me before I could even burn.”
“Bobbi,” there was a catch in her voice that broke my heart to hear. I still cared for her, I knew I did, but as I’d said, I couldn’t look at her without resentment, “I agonised about Turning you. I didn’t know what you wanted, but I thought that you would welcome the opportunity. If anyone deserved a chance to live, it’s the woman who saved the city from Gaius. I thought you were okay with everything, everyone did.”
“I’m going to head to bed, Lily,” I said, in final tones, “You can stay as long as you need, but you should probably call Adrien. He can send a shielded limo to collect you.”
When I got to my bedroom door, I turned back. I was surprised to see her crying heavily, but maybe this band-aid needed to be torn off now.
“I don’t think we can trust Rheya,” I said, hesitantly, knowing the hero-worship I’d be intruding on, “But, if I’m wrong, I think you should go and be with her. She can give you what I can’t, any more.”
“Bobbi,” Lily fixed me with a pained look, “I held you in my arms while you were dying. I tried to tell you that I lo-“
“Don’t say it,” I interrupted, holding up my hand, “Please Lily, I don’t want to hurt you. But if you say those words to me now, any response I give would be as bad as sunlight…”
I closed the door behind me, threw open my bedroom curtains, dragged the bed into the sunlight, and fell into it. I silently cursed my heightened senses, hearing Lily weeping in the other room no matter how hard I tried to ignore it. Eventually she left. About an hour later my ‘phone rang constantly. First Jax was trying to call, then Adrien and Kamilah. They all tried two or three times before giving me peace. I just hoped that none of them would tell Rheya what had happened. I don’t think I could deal with the emotional manipulation I feared would happen if she tried to… fix… my problems. I sent a text message to Julia; telling her I’d confessed to Lily. I didn’t want to talk about it yet, but I’d let her know when we could.
Then I lay in the filtered sun, remembering what I’d lost. I wished I’d died on the end of that blade.
