#honest parenting

[mfrance-writes]

Thank You, Honest Parents

In American society, people like to perpetuate this stereotype that childfree-by-choice people are always trying to convert other people to our way of life. People make it seem like the childfree-by-choice community is actively trying to discourage everyone else from having children. I haven't found that to be true. Contrary to popular belief, it's never been the childfree-by-choice people that have tried to discourage me from having children.

You know who has tried to actively discourage people from having children the most? Parents...well, the honest ones anyway.

Other people try to paint a rosy picture of parenthood in an attempt to convert childfree-by-choice people. When the rosy picture doesn't work, many try shaming us into feeling immense guilt, so we cave to societal pressures to have children. But not the honest parents, bless their souls. They validate our feelings.

Lately, I've seen so many people that have children on social media sites like TikTok showing glimpses of their lives with children: the feedings, the messes, the chaos that is their normal, the lack of sleep, the crying from exhaustion because parenting is difficult and never-ending, the overdrawn bank accounts because of baby necessities, the cost of labor and delivery, the changes to their bodies...all the things that other people pretend are "so worth it" to have their children. Then they'll end the TikTok by saying something like, "Don't get me wrong, I love my child(ren), and I wouldn't change my life. But...if you don't already have children DON'T DO IT."

I've got to be honest, it's nice to have a moment with a random person who understands something so important and validates those feelings. It's nice to see someone who made a choice show you why the choice they made isn't for everyone, even when they themselves don't regret their choice. The honesty itself instead of the extreme cognitive dissonance that we usually see from parents is such a breath of fresh air.

[rub-the-rest-with-yellow]

[twomamahomestead]

18 month old toddler: *up past his bedtime, melting down, crying & wailing*

Me: *holding him, rocking him, kissing him, singing to him, making sure he feels loved & safe.*

Me: “I love you.”

Him: “no.”

[2019fullofgratitude]

day 2 of 365

we do a lot of mistakes, we’re too much exhausted most of time, sometimes we’ve got a huge lack of kindness for each others, but we’re trying so hard to make a great team together, we’re trying everyday to be the best version of us, for us, for our baby boy. parenting isn’t easy, but we’re trying really hard, no matter what. so i’m so grateful, i’m so proud of us, even if sometimes i feel the opposite. but in the end, thinking about how we started 7 years ago, i’m so proud of us, and i know that we’re gonna make it somehow.

[conversationswithhank]

Me: Good morning, Hank.

Hank: Morning.

Me: How did you sleep?

Hank: (stretching like a cat) So well I didn’t want to get out of bed.

Me: That is the best and worst kind of sleep.

Hank: Isn’t it?

Me: Are you ready for your day?

Hank: No. I mean, I have my backpack packed and I’m dressed, but I’m not ready, you know?

Me: I hear you. Life is hard.

Hank: Yes!

Me: No, I mean it. I was up late into the night trying to remember if I ever properly explained to you that life is hard.

Hank: I know.

Me: But do you? Nothing in life ever came easily to me. I do not remember ever being just naturally good at something, ever. Everything took work. Even now, especially now.

Hank:

Me: I spent most of my young life confused, because reading and writing were so hard for me and for other kids it seemed they could just do it, and math, too. It was never easy for me to make friends. I had a few good friends, but over all the majority of kids in my class and at my schools had a rather low opinion of me and liked to tell me my flaws as if it wasn’t obvious I wasn’t aware of them myself. It took a rather long time from my personality to progress from obnoxious to funny and I was awkwardly experimental in finding my style and finding myself beautiful. Being a mom was the hardest thing I have ever done and I am still learning from my mistakes, even ten years later, to be your and Molly’s best mother. I’ve had to work harder than anyone I know to achieve any goal to my minimal satisfaction since first grade and that, at times, has made me feel extremely alone, but I never gave up and I never surrendered.

Hank:

Me: I know you are bummed about your low grade on your Portuguese test, but I promise you: your teachers, your papa and I, we are here and we support you. If you trust us we will help you and encourage you to do better. If your doing your best, your best is enough and that includes learning that what you thought was your best could be improved.

Hank: That hurts my feelings. I thought I did my best, but I didn’t.

Me: I know it does. Life isn’t easy, but it is always worth it. To achieve your school goals you will have to work harder especially when it isn’t easy and especially when your feelings are hurt, but if you put in the work now hard work won’t intimidate you further down the road.

Hank:

Me: No one says this to kids. Adults lecture and advise and hug, but they rarely explain. It will take time, it will feel like forever and it will be work, but if you have a goal and you achieve it then the pride you feel will be worth the effort. Plus, that is why there are chocolates and bike rides and video games in the world. You can’t deny yourself the good; the good makes the work worth it.

Hank: When I sit down to take a test I just want it to be over. I am so worried that I won’t finish that I rush and papa told me that is where I make mistakes. I just wish there were no clocks and we had our own time.

Me: I am listening, You have precious little of your own time in life. You have your school time, then your homework time, then your responsibility time such as cleaning and hygiene, then you have family time which is great, but can be stressful and only after do you have the illusive, me time. We will talk with your teacher and find a better way to help you manage the stress of the time clock. If you are your enemy then you have the power to win the fight.

Hank: (deep sigh)

Me: It is not easy to be ten.

Hank: It really isn’t.

Me: Ten is where you’re given responsibilities and begin to taste #adulting.

Hank: I hate it, I don’t want to grow up, but I also want my own apartment someday and I want to go to cafés and drink coffee and meet friends and have dinner parties and decorate and get my drivers license and got to university for something and I want to be good at stuff.

Me: You don’t have to grow-up to do those things! You don’t have to lose who you are now or give something away for those things. You just have to commit to work for them. You can work hard toward those goals wearing a Totoro onesie while doing your homework with a bright green gel pen while deep conditioning your hair and singing Eurovision songs at the top of your lungs.

Hank: Mom, be serious!

Me: I AM! You got a poor grade on your Portuguese test because you made lazy mistakes, you didn’t read directions, you rushed and you were careless with your spelling. You didn’t fail, but you almost did. I think the title of this chapter of your memoir is called, HANK: Age 10 and The End of Laziness… Except on the Weekends Because That is What Weekends Are For.

Hank: (giggling)

Me: So thank you for letting me talk to you about this. I just wanted you to understand that everything you love about your life our family and our home and everything I love about my life and our family is the result of years of dedication and hard work. Nothing came easy, but I am rich with love and happiness and friends and knowledge and success and no one gave me these things, but me. I hold the power to achieve my goals and so do you! I invested in myself when it would have been far easier to never even try. Now it is your turn to invest in your self and your goals.

Hank: Yah.

Me: Is this a helpful conversation or does this truth just stress you out?

Hank: (thinking) Helpful. (pause) Did things come easy for papa?

Me: That is his story to tell and you will have to ask him, but I believe everyone has a struggle, especially at ten years old, otherwise how would anyone appreciate the good things in life like sunsets and birthdays and lazy café afternoons and making their baby sister laugh or climbing on rocks at the seaside looking for tide pools.

Hank: That last one is my favorite.

Me: I know.

Hank: I miss my bed.

Me: Me, too.

Hank: I have to get going.

Me: I know, it’s time.

Hank: (deep, exhausted sigh)

Me: I am always here for you. You are not alone.

Hank: I know.

[actualmythicalcreature]

Man. I get super frustrated about parents who shelter their kids from sexual health and reproductive science.

I NEED TO YELL. THIS IS ME, YELLING. Sorry it’s so long. Also it’s directed at parents, and I get that most of my followers are young and not parents - but this is still relevant to literally every person ever who might some day be responsible for the upbringing and development of a child. Someone I know asked on facebook what to tell their almost 10 year old, who saw some blood she had accidentally left on the toilet during her menstrual cycle. I’ve been having reproductive conversations with my kid since he was 4. I use scientific terms, and comparisons to systems in nature that he’s already familiar with (eggs from birds and nests from our nature studies). I have always used gender neutral language that doesn’t attach gender to anatomy. I don’t say anything heteronormative. My son has literally NEVER been confused about anything I’ve said to him - and so far (he’s 7, now) hasn’t shown any shame around sexual health and reproduction. Like, he’s consistently reacted the same way he did when I explained how tornado’s are formed, where they show up, and what to do if he finds himself near one. He asked questions, but he wasn’t nervous or uncomfortable - because we’ve literally been talking about this openly and honestly in our home for three years - which is as far back as he can remember. This mom asked for help figuring out what to say to an almost 10 year old - so I gave her a script. I told her to start with the base simple reproductive system, if she hadn’t already - as a framework for then talking about the menstrual cycle.  

"A baby is made when sperm, which is made inside testicles in the scrotum - finds an egg called an ovum, which are made inside ovaries. The sperm fertilizes the egg, and the egg grows into a baby. When the baby is ready to come out, it comes out through the vaginal canal." so, the first observation about that is that 1 - I don’t mention how the sperm gets to the egg. I left sex out of the conversation completely - because when I talk about sex, I want to be able to include conversations about non-reproductive sex, non-penetrative sex, non-heteronormative sex, and sexual health - and he’s not there yet. Those conversations will be a series of small baby steps- but those steps do start soon. We will definitely have had them by the time he’s 10 - like the kid of the mom in question. We’ve had other conversations about private parts, not keeping secrets about private areas, and that touching your genitals is normal, it can feel good, and that he should only do it in private when he’s alone, either in his room or in the bath. So. There. All the base knowledge a 7 year old could ever need. In fact, from talking to other parents- it’s apparently like WAY MORE than ANY OF THEM give their kids. So, I guess my kid is ahead of the game? This specific mom wanted to know about explaining the menstrual cycle though, so I gave her that script too. "Every month, some folks bodies prepare to possibly grow a baby. The egg (or ovum) gets ready for fertilization, and the body builds a nest of sorts for the egg (or ovum), this nest is called the uterine lining - it is very soft like the skin on the inside of your mouth. However - if the egg isn't fertilized, the body has to get rid of that "nest". The body uses muscle cramps to push the uterine lining out slowly through the vaginal canal, over the course of a week, and there is some blood. For most people, It hurts a little, but not all the time. I have to be careful and gentle with my body during this time. Once all the uterine lining is gone, my body starts making a new one to prepare for the next ovum, just in case that one gets fertilized.  The cycle is a month long, so my body spends the first part making the nest, and at the end it sheds the uterine lining for about a week - some people call this week their “period”. It happens to most people with a vagina - for most of their life. It starts when they go through puberty. It's totally normal and natural, and it's been happening since the beginning of time. It is how we make safe homes inside our bodies, for our babies - and how we keep our bodies healthy and happy until we choose if we want to have babies." When I talk about these things, I pull up pictures on my phone that are cartoonish, but anatomically correct - of various reproductive organs. I only show him ones that don’t have gender labels in big words at the top. I point out the different areas while I talk about them. He had questions about the ovum - he wanted to know if it was like a chickens egg. I explained that chicken eggs have hard shells because they do most of their growing outside of their parents body - and the hard shell protects them. We do most of our growing on the inside of the body, so our ovum are very small and soft. It was a logical question considering that he was comparing ovum to the eggs he had seen in the past. Other than that, he didn’t have any questions other than to re-state some things I had said to clarify that he had understood them correctly. He is 7. He found the whole thing interesting, but a little boring. When I asked him if there was anything else he wanted to know - he asked if he was allowed to go play angry birds. I don’t find it embarrassing talking to him about this, or answering his questions - it don’t find it difficult. Never has my son asked me anything that I didn’t know how to answer. I answer honestly - and make sure it’s scientifically sound - while being worded in a way that a 7 year old can understand. He gets it. He’s cool with it. There’s no issues. But the mom that asked for help? She was like “OH. Yeah my kid isn’t ready for ANY of that.” and I am like.... he’s almost three years older than my kid.... if my kid can handle it, so can yours. Its your job to help make him ready. I know that all kids are different, and it’s important to respect this difference - but if your kid saw blood in the toilet and is ASKING YOU to explain - you do them a disservice by deciding they aren’t ready for the unbiased, sex-positive, body-positive, gender-neutral truth. They are ready - THEY ASKED. In fact, with how early puberty has started to affect kids - there’s a chance someone in his class will be starting their menstrual cylce shortly. That means that it is absolutely time to explain - or they will learn about it, probably incorrectly, and probably coated in body shame - from other kids at school. I know this mom. She’s normally an amazing person who is totally great - and I completely respect her parenting style and opinions. I honestly adore her. Shes one of my favorite people - and I am trying to be empathetic and understanding about the fact that she has her own shame to come to grips with before she teaches her children about these topics. I accept that no one is perfect, hell - I am far from perfect. Yesterday I yelled “hoe don’t do it” to a bird that was attacking our house, and my kid immediately went “Yeah hoe - back off!”.... we were on facebook live at the time. Not my proudest moment. But I try. I correct myself. I admit when I am wrong, or when something is hard for me. I admit TO MY KID when I am struggling. I apologize when I didn’t do my best. I am the last person to normally throw any shade at another parent (unless their abusive - than I throw scalding hott tea in their face), but this topic is, apparently, super important to me. I didn’t realize just how important it was, until I saw her response and felt myself get HELLA MAD. So here’s my bit, to all those people who are now or someday might be parents: It’s your job as a parent to make your child ready for the world - and if part of that world is too difficult for you to speak about, you need to find someone else or the appropriate resources to get the job done to the best of your ability. You can’t just stick your fingers in your ears and hope for the best. You need to do whatever you can to stop yourself from inadvertently spreading your own shame and repression to the next generation. That is not okay. That it where I draw the line. Get over your stuff. Get over your shame. Get over the “gross ewwwww” shit from your childhood. Get over the assumption that human bodies - especially those who create life - are somehow shameful, dirty and wrong. Get over the ingrained concept that talking about natural functions of the body will somehow affect your child's “innocence”. Do better. Be better. Teach. Your. Fucking. Children. About. Their. Bodies. Teach. Your. Fucking. Children. About. The. Bodies. Of. Others. Tell. Your. Children. The. Fucking. Truth. If you act like these topics are shameful or taboo - your child will to. They will spread that. They will make fun of folks who get their period at school - and those folks who get made fun of it will internalize it and perpetuate it themselves. They will be rude and unkind about it - because they are ignorant about it - to other peoples children. Your kid being uninformed, means that my kid might suffer when he tries to correct their assumptions. DO BETTER FOLKS. THIS ISN’T NEARLY AS DIFFICULT AS YOU MAKE IT OUT TO BE. //rant over.

[twomamahomestead]

wife & me: *settle into bed at 8 pm*

me: i was never a morning person, but now with the baby, i'm not a night person either

wife: i'm ... barely a person

[twomamahomestead]

when you are so so tired, but your baby is so so cute, but you are sleep deprived, but your baby has the most kissable cheeks, but you need to sleep longer than 3 hours, but you are secretly happy to hold your baby, but you are so tired, but but but …..