Face Reading for Kids Lesson 1: Lies and Deception
For a multitude of reasons, people often want to hide, or mask, their feelings, but they can be placed into two categories: self-focused and other-focused. Self-focused deception is selfish, as you might glean from the name. Other-focused deception is concerned with others. We will divide these into lies (self-focused) and deception (other-focused). Lies are toxic, while deception smooths social situations.
1. Use the truth when you can.
For instance, if you answer the phone and a stranger starts asking questions, you say, “I’m not allowed to answer questions over the phone.” This is true, and it protects you and your family. But sometimes the truth isn’t the best answer.
2. When is it OK to lie?
It is never OK to lie. Lies are toxic and selfish. People lie because they think they are more important than other people. (There is an exception we'll get to later that's somewhere between lies and deception, but let's keep it simple for now.)
3. When is it OK to be deceptive?
It is OK to use deception to help an innocent person (including yourself), to make a social situation go smoothly when necessary, and, of course, while creating an obvious a work of fiction.
4. Real-Life Acceptable Deceptions
Socially acceptable deceptions are sometimes referred to as harmless untruths or white lies. Here are some deceptions that make life better.
a. It’s a Fine Time for a Fine Time
You have had a long, hard day, but nothing too stressful, then someone at the store asks how you’re doing, but they’re obviously working or in a really good mood. If you rant about your day, you might ruin their good mood and take up a lot of time, and you know it’s not going to solve anything, so you say, “I’m fine.” This is slightly deceptive, but it’s not a lie because you’re other-focused.
(In fact, in our culture, “I’m fine” is the most common “white lie” -- so common it’s almost expected. This is why people sometimes giggle if you answer, “Fantastic!” or “Happy to be here!”)
When you shouldn’t use this deception: when you need help, or when you’re talking to someone close to you who might be able to change your mood. You should talk to people you trust when you’re having a problem.
b. Donut Do That
You are waiting for your mom in the changing room at Target and you see a lost child yelling, “I don’t know you!” to a grownup and looking worried, so you pretend you’re friends, put on a big smile, and yell, “There you are! Your Mom sent us all out to find you! What kind of donut do you want?” You bring them to the changing room until your mom comes out or a Target employee shows up. This is deception, not a lie, because you are helping an innocent person by confusing a bad one.
When you shouldn’t use this deception: when you sense immediate danger or see a weapon. You should report it to a worker.
You should also avoid getting too closely involved when there is a grownup nearby who can help quickly, such as an employee or a parent with kids. You should always find a grownup when you can.
c. The Twist Ending
A stranger is following you and a friend at the bookstore, they keep changing direction when you do, so you say, “I think I’ll look at the mysteries because my dad works for the police,” even though this isn’t true. This is a deception because you are scaring away someone creepy and protecting two innocent people, including yourself. When you are safe, find an employee and say you think someone is following kids around the store.
When you shouldn’t use this deception: when you need immediate help. Make your way to a crowded area away from the restrooms and exits and report creepers to the first employee you can find.
d. Do No Harm
You see a friend who has been in the hospital a long time, and they look terrible, but you put on a big smile and say, “You look like you’re getting better!” This is a kindness, and other-focused, so it’s a deception that makes a social situation go smoothly, not a lie. (It also may make your friend feel a bit more confident.)
When you shouldn’t use this deception: If your friend is having an acute problem, like if their nose starts bleeding. You should tell them and make sure they get help.
TIP: The easiest way to find out if something is a lie or deception is to figure out whether it is other-focused or self-focused. If you know a person’s character well, this will be easy.
For strangers, you will have to look for clues in their facial expressions and body language, and you will need to remember detecting falsehoods is an art that uses science, not a science. Accept that you could be wrong before you start.