#hunterloves

[aniimaillussiya]

One of my pictures which is published in “Hunter” magazine, available at Magcloud: https://www.magcloud.com/browse/issue/2963671  

Many thanks to the entire team of “Hunter” for the beautiful publication in their magazine.

[aniimaillussiya]

One of my pictures which is published in “Hunter” magazine, available at Magcloud: https://www.magcloud.com/browse/issue/2963671  

Many thanks to the entire team of “Hunter” for the beautiful publication in their magazine.

[aniimaillussiya]

Some of my pictures which is published in “Hunter” magazine, available at Magcloud: https://www.magcloud.com/browse/issue/2963671

Many thanks to the entire team of “Hunter” for the beautiful publication in their magazine.

[aniimaillussiya]

One of my pictures which is published in “Hunter” magazine, available at Magcloud: magcloud.com/browse/issue/2963671  

Many thanks to the entire team of “Hunter” for the beautiful publication in their magazine.

[aniimaillussiya]

One of my pictures which is published in “Hunter” magazine, available at Magcloud: magcloud.com/browse/issue/2963671  

Many thanks to the entire team of “Hunter” for the beautiful publication in their magazine.

[aniimaillussiya]

One of my pictures which is published in “Hunter” magazine, available at Magcloud: magcloud.com/browse/issue/2963671  

Many thanks to the entire team of “Hunter” for the beautiful publication in their magazine.

[aniimaillussiya]

Some of my pictures which is published in “Hunter” magazine, available at Magcloud: magcloud.com/browse/issue/2963671  

Many thanks to the entire team of “Hunter” for the beautiful publication in their magazine.

[smiling-at-the-sunn]

An Open Letter To My Ex Boyfriend

Hi. It’s me again. The crazy ex. I’ve kind of embraced that title. Yes, I text you everyday. But it’s only because I physically can’t not text you. Yes, I begged you to take me back, throwing any ounce of self respect I had straight out the window. That was because the thought of not being with you was (is) unbearable, and I would do anything to avoid that pain. Yes, I still cry myself to sleep, and yes, I wake up most mornings with tears streaming down my face. Yes, I debated going to see your mom to tell her how much she means to me, to tell her she will always be like my second mom.

All of that was okay - I am the crazy ex, after all.

But anyway, let’s go over what you already know, shall we?

You were my first. My first everything, if you know what I mean. First date, first kiss, first boyfriend, first… well, you know. We had a lot of firsts. You are my first love.

I was (am?) ready to marry you. I was (am?) in this for the long run. I dreamed of the day I would get to call you my husband. I couldn’t wait to be yours forever, and to have the rings to prove it. I would have married you in a heartbeat.

This breakup sent me into a crippling depression. I’ve fallen behind in all my classes because I can’t focus on any work. I have no motivation to do anything anymore. Instead of getting mad at you for hurting me and instead of hating you, I continue to love you more than anyone, and I’ve started hating myself.

There is an empty, painful hole in my chest. There is a massive weight on my body, making breathing a difficult task. I’m always out of breath from the pain, and I am always aware of the missing piece of my heart. These are constant reminders that I am not yours anymore.

Everyone around us believed this was temporary. My friends, family, everyone told me that you and I would work this out. Not one person told me, “You’ll meet someone new!” or “He wasn’t good for you anyway.” or “You will move on from him.” or “This just means God has someone even better for you.” Nobody said that. They all said, “You two will work this out.” and “I’m not worried at all.” and “It will be okay when you two talk this out!” They all believed in us, which was shocking. But they thought, they were so sure that this breakup wouldn’t last.

I dream about you every single night. You know the usual dream: you propose, a simple, casual proposal. I scream and kiss you, and jump     into your arms. It’s a moment of pure, utter bliss for both of us. The happiest moment of our lives. Then I wake up, and the hole rips through my heart again, and the weight is placed on my body for the day.

I know what your reasons are for breaking up - there was an “emotional disconnect,” you felt numb, you weren’t sure if you were still “in love” with me, and you fantasized about sleeping with other people.

This breakup makes no sense to me. Despite #7, you still care about me, you still love me. We have three amazing years behind us. We have history. We were both in love at one point. We saw a future together. We make a great team. We were happy.

I still have hope for us. In a letter you wrote to me, you said, “…I’m sure we’ll face many more challenges, but I am fully confident in our ability to overcome anything life throws at us.” I agree. We’ve been through so much together; we’ve overcome worse things than this. I have faith in us. I have faith that this will pass, and that you and I will be happy together again.

You know all this. It’s all I talked about when everything first happened. Here’s what you don’t know.

I blame myself now. I can come up with so many reasons why this breakup was my fault. This past semester, I wasn’t the girlfriend you deserved. I didn’t prioritize you like I should have. I got too comfortable in our relationship. I should have done more.

I hate myself for letting you get away. This goes with the first thing, but it’s different. I don’t hate you, I hate me. I hate that I let you get away. I hate that I wasn’t strong enough to let you go in the beginning, which would give you a chance to miss me. I hate that I turned into the clingy ex girlfriend. I hate how weak I am without you. I hate that it’s exhausting to put in the effort not to text you. I hate myself.

I have calls into 7 different counselors. Did you know it’s extremely hard to get help? Most counselors have waiting lists, they take forever to call you back, you can only go to ones that have your insurance, you have to judge by their website if you think they’ll be a good fit for you… It’s so hard to find help, especially when I’m so desperately in need. 

I bragged about you all the time. I bragged about how successful you are, how happy you made me, how much confidence I had being with you. I bragged about how much you loved me - which is why I can’t wrap my head around the fact that we’re broken up. I used to tell people that sometimes I thought you were even more in love with me than I was in love with you, because you would do anything for me. You took such good care of me. You treated me like a princess.

I downloaded tinder again. It was a huge mistake. I saw that your profile had been updated, and I spent the day staring at your pictures and throwing up when I spent too long thinking about you with another girl. I felt guilty every time I got a message from a guy. And nobody compared to you. Tinder was a mistake, because it reminded me that I would never find anyone as good as you.

I’m paranoid all the time. That was (is) why it’s so hard to get any work done. As soon as I sit down to try to do something productive, I wonder what you’re doing. Are you with someone? Are you going on dates? Did you even sleep in your bed last night? Are you moving on?

I miss everything about you, about us. Even the things that annoyed me, I miss. I miss… well, there’s a whole post about some of the things I miss. But I miss everything. You can’t even begin to comprehend how much I miss about you.

You tell me you feel numb. You question if you are in love with me. You feel an emotional disconnect. Well, I have some questions for you.

Please really think about them. Push aside the “I can’t answer that right now”, “I don’t feel anything”, “I’m tired and can’t think” comments and just think about them. Please.

Who do you see yourself waking up next to every morning?

Who do you see yourself falling asleep next to each night?

When you look in the mirror when you brush your teeth, who do you see standing beside you?

Who do you want to come home to after work?

As you go through your day, is there someone who crosses your mind a lot?

Can you see yourself with me five years from now?

Do I make you a better person?

Are you confident in us? Do you still believe we can “overcome anything life throws at us?

Do you trust me? Do you trust us?

Do you love and care for me more than any other woman?

My answers to those questions are simple. And to me, it’s normal to feel numb or depressed at times. It’s normal to question being in love. As long as we truly, truly love and care for each other, and if that love is deeper than any other love, THAT is what makes a relationship strong (and good communication, mutual trust, and so on).

Remember that you were in love with me at one point. At one point, you told me, “My love for you is deeper than anything I’ve felt with any other person.” I believe we can reach that point again. I believe that you and I were brought together for a reason, and that there was a reason we didn’t break up in February. I believe that we can make it through this, and that this will make us stronger.

I’m not asking you to marry me, I’m not asking you for years and years of commitment.

I’m simply asking you to pick me. Choose me. Love me.

Give us another chance. Let us reinvent ourselves, our relationship.

Go on this adventure called life with me by your side.