#i waffle

[elin-moon]

Super psycho love by Simon Curtis is a very AstralShroud song, I think.

[sinkat-arts]

If I decided to test out taking commissions... would anyone actually pay me for this mess I do? 

This is a thought I have on a fairly regular basis. I doubt I’ll do it... but I wonder sometimes. 

[elin-moon]

I wrote a thing out of nowhere. Legit, the motivation for this hit me out of nowhere, and I wrote it in a few hours (fast for me). The story is i was feeling hot, the sun was shining in my room on me and I wanted to make that a character's problem and suddenly this was here.

Honestly, glad I wrote this, because it gave me the chance to explore Xuli/Windbreaker more as her own character. If you're wondering who that is, look here for context.

Also, this takes place in 2003, although the year it takes place in doesn't really affect the story much.

Anywho, enjoy!!!

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"Ugh! Why is it so hot in this fucking house?"

"Maybe it's 'cause you're sat directly in the sunlight?"

Xuli opens her eyes to peek at the kid sat across from her. He's sat on the ground criss cross and he's fidgeting with some legos, the instruction book resting opened on his knee. He hadn't even glanced at her when he spoke, his big doe eyes intently focused upon his work, his eyebrows slightly scrunched up in concentration as his little hands worked. She groaned, rolling over from her back to her stomach, the stiff heat making her feel suffocated. Yes, perhaps she would feel better if she wasn't laying directly in the sun rays coming in through the window like a sunbathing cat, but it would not make her feel any less miserable per her intolerance to most heat. She moves her fingers around to create a light breeze that caresses her face, but the relief she receives from this is only temporary.

Fuck, she wishes she could be anywhere else but here right now, but Chase isn't available, so obviously she had to be demoted to babysitter for the day. Robert is an easy kid, a bit snarky and whiny sometimes but she can't blame him, but she wants to do something instead of rotting away like fruit in this horrid heat. Her head feels stuffed with cotton and needles, and her body feels as if it's boiling alive. She's never been good with hotness, not since she was younger than Robert, not since her powers first manifested. It had all been ridiculously bothersome to everyone growing up, but she can't help it.

She decides to take the brat's implied suggestion and move out of the window's way, instead inching closer to where he was sat, the kid giving her no mind as he flips the page to look over the next step. The lego set sits untouched for a moment, until Robert has figured out the next step to take. She's learned quickly never to touch something Robert's building, unless you wanted to get your hand slapped away by a perfectionist child. Damn, that reminds her way too much of her big sister, miss perfect.

"Hey, Bob Junior?" she says, causing the boy to look up at her with a disgusted look.

"It's Robert, not Bob." he says back, and she can't help but roll her eyes.

"Whatever. Do you plan on doing anything else today?" Hopefully something she could also take part in, because her brain can't take sitting around doing nothing for much longer. The kid seems to pause what he's doing, tapping a finger to his chin like some cartoon character, before shrugging his shoulders.

"Not really." She groans super loudly while Robert returns to his lego, and she knows between the two of them she sounds more like the child, but she can't help herself. The only reason she doesn't take her whining any further is Robert glancing at her weirdly and her mother's voice inside her head reminding her that a lady doesn't whine and moan. She pulls herself into a sitting position, ignoring how her head aches and the world tilts around her, bending her neck until she feels the satisfying click of her bones. She stands up and stretches her muscles, ignoring the sweat patches on her tank top and a voice in her head yelling about how disgusting that is.

"Well, i'm going to get an ice pack from the freezer to cool down. You want one?" she says. The kid shakes his head no. The trip to the kitchen is quick, and taking the ice pack out even quicker. The moment the cold touches her, her muscles loosen up and her skin's pores seem to clear of all the gunk inside, and she can't help but sigh in relief as her body finally feels as if it's not dying in a fire.

Xuli isn't sure how long she stays in that moment, but she's brought back to reality by the house phone ringing. Before she can move to answer, she hears the phone be lifted up and Robert begin to speak. When she hears the kid say dad all excited, she settles back down, letting the kiddo have his rare moment with the man. Her head still aches like a motherfucker even after she's cooled down significantly, so she moves to the sink and turns the cold water on, hoping a splash to the face will settle her brain matter back into shape. She wants nothing more than to lie down again, to let the wind swift her away and kill off this heat behind her ribcage and her temples. She may do just that, once she's done with watching Mecha boy.

Speaking of, when she returns to the living room, the boy is nowhere to be seen. His unfinished lego set has been abandoned and the phone is not in use. Xuli figures he's run upstairs to play in his room, so she's ready to ignore him and collapse onto the couch, but something isn't right. She can feel it in her chest. Robert never leaves a lego set unfinished. Once he starts one, there's nothing short of hell on earth that could convince him to move from his spot until the set is finished.

Her heart drumming a bit too harshly, she moves up the stairs and peeks past the door covered in stickers, with Robert's named painted in blue on a piece of paper taped to the wooden surface. Muffled whimpers and sobs slip through the cracks, and inside she spots the kid with his face shoved into his pillow, his shoulders shaking. Something small and vulnerable unfurls inside her heart, the little girl that had done the same many times pulling at her skirt desperately with tears wetting her cheeks. Her body, weak willed and stupid and not hearing her mind's plea to just leave the kid alone, moves into the room and sits itself down on the edge of the bed. Her hand moves on instinct to rub the kid's back in comfort, but Robert slaps her hand away, bringing her body back to its senses, leaving her to flounder like a fish out of water. She wills her dry lips to move, to do anything.

"Hey kid, you alright?" It's a stupid question and she knows it, but something is better than nothing. The kid continues to sob, but he pulls his face away from the pillow to reveal red rimmed eyes with a glassy sheen. The kid sniffles a few times, as if trying to suck up the evidence of his crying session.

"Yeah, i'm just being a baby." he says, his eyebrows scrunched up as if he was angry but his eyes still weeping like a fountain.

"You sure?" Xuli says, watching the kid wipe at his tears with the back of his arm. She wrinkles her nose up but doesn't move to grab him a tissue. Not yet. "Or do you just not want to tell me?"

The kid huffs and turns away from her, hugging the pillow to his chest. A chuckle escapes her throat, the little girl inside of her shuffling next to Robert, her eyes wide and her body shaking. She would have to shake the tree harder if she actually wanted to get the fruit. Her mind wanders to a few minutes ago, to the phone call she'd ignored the moment Robert had uttered the word dad.

"Something up with your dad?" Xuli tries to poke, and all she gets is Robert turning back around with a face twisted by anger.

"No, nothing's wrong. Go away."

"Really? Because to me it seems-" she starts, but is interrupted by the kid throwing his pillow directly into her face.

"Go away!" the kid is yelling now, and the little girl from her chest cavity has run away, spooked but unlike prey, moreso like a predator debating if the fight is worth it for the meal. Anger bubbles inside of her, and she wants nothing more than to shake the kid violently. She grips the thrown pillow as if she's got claws and desperately keeps a grip on the tornado writhing beneath her skin.

"Fine! Be like that, you little shit!" she yells, although it feels more like a growl, chucking the pillow back at Robert. She doesn't wait to see how the kid reacts, instead slamming the door close and going back downstairs. She huddles into the couch, pulling herself inwards until she's just a small ball of flesh and bones. She lets a strong breeze pull through the space around her, the fresh air stopping the boiling but only stoking the flames of her frustration. The little girl moves with the wind, and she's angry but also so afraid.

That scene had felt familiar. She could feel the springs of the bed beneath her, the tears upon her cheeks, the snot in her nose making it impossible to catch a proper breath. The ghost of her sister's presence would linger near the bed, trying to offer comfort when she wanted nothing more than to be left to lick her own wounds in peace. Ladies don't cry over silly things. Ladies are always proper and put together, strong as steel in the face of struggle. Her sister could always do that, she was perfect; the perfect lady, the perfect daughter, with perfect grades and perfect looks, while Xuli was the failure who could never reach her parents' standards, even if they didn't say it. Why should her sister get to rub salt into the wound with her presence? Why couldn't she just go away?

She calms down eventually, and falls into a restless light sleep that makes her feel more and more murky and detached. The wind could sweep in and take her soul away right now, she doesn't think she would mind. Perhaps her soul was the wind, long gone away, leaving her body to be a useless flesh vessel made for people to merely stare at and savour. She's somewhat anchored to the world only when Robert, quiet as a mouse, leaves his room and huddles up next to her.

"I'm sorry." he squeaks out, and she manages to raise her hand and pat his head.

"It's fine." she says, feeling as if she's speaking through molasses. "I'm sorry too."

"It's just that dad called to say he'll be working late tonight, and that Chase will be the one staying with me." He doesn't say the word again, but she hears it anyway. "And i know dad is very busy, and that he's very important, and i like Chase, but I just want dad to spent time with me." The last word gets caught up by a sob, and soon the kid is crying again. "I know you probably think i'm a big baby, because my dad saving people is more important than my feelings, and I'm too old to be crying, even if Chase says i'm not. I'm pretty sure he lied to make me feel better, and I want to stop but-"

"Kid, it's fine." she interrupts his spiel, letting the air around them go quiet, safe for a light breeze flowing through their hair. The kid wipes at his tears even while they continue to pour. Her mouth moves on its own again, and she still isn't sure if she regrets the words coming from her mouth even after she says them. "I get it. My parents were the same."

"They were!?" the kid perks up, curiosity winning out against the sadness that had just been choking him a second ago. Well, she can't take her words back now.

"Yeah. Well, they weren't heroes, obviously, they were just busy people at work. My dad in some office job, and my mom in a pharmacy, always needed, and I was left at home with my sister." A chuckle bubbles out her throat, but it is mirthless, the little girl clinging onto her side. "I hated it. I always wanted them to stay at home more often, but their jobs just took up priority and I could do nothing about it."

"Did you..." Robert starts, hesitating on his words with slightly rosy cheeks before he plucks up his courage. "Did you cry about it?"

"Oh yeah, loads. I cried so much i could've filled up an ocean. My dad and my sister were willing to indulge me sometimes, but not my mom. She always told me that proper ladies don't cry." She looks over to the side to see the kid lost in thought, as if he was trying to untangle something big in that clever mind of his. She lets him, the quiet dragging on and on for several minutes.

"My dad says that heroes don't cry. Heroes are supposed to get up and face danger head on, and crying makes you weak." The kid looks away, towards the long abandoned lego set. She thinks he might move back to continue it, but he stays rooted to the spot against her side.

"Heroes cry all the time. I think what your dad means is that you can't let people see you cry." The kid appears intrigued once more.

"What?"

"Like, appearance is really important to a hero. We have to appear strong and capable, or else the people won't trust us to save them, you know?" she says, looking over to see the kid nod along. "So, we can't cry in public, or the people will think we're too weak to save them. As long as people don't see you cry, it's fine."

"That makes sense." Robert says with a small hum at the end. He stands still for a moment as if pondering her words, then gets up and walks over to his unfinished lego set, continuing from where he left it last. Xuli untenses her muscles, shooing away the little girl of her past into her ribcage once more. She feels a particular sense of pride when she touches her cheeks and feels no wetness there; her mother would be proud if she were to see her now, her hysterical daughter behaving the part of an adult.

It's evening when Chase walks through the front door, his body weary from the day but his face showing he's energised as ever. The air has cooled down significantly and Xuli no longer feels choked out, so she's moved onto the floor next to the kid. Robert had finished his lego set a while ago, and was now explaining to her something about his current favourite show. She wishes her head wasn't still quite foggy, because she can barely understand a word he's saying and that makes her feel like an asshole. The kid is hardly bothered by this, and immediately jumps up with glee when he sees Chase, embracing the man around the middle.

"Hey fucker, you behaved yourself while i was gone?" Chase asks while embracing the kid back, ruffling his hair and making the kid whine. The kid forgoes mentioning their little moment thankfully, so Xuli can just get up and go home without any special fanfare. Perhaps she'll be able to clear up her mind with some sleep.

Before she can walk out the door though, Chase lightly grabs her arm. She makes the mistake of meeting his eyes, and in that moment she knows that he knows. He knows that she's currently all floaty and detached and as light as a feather. It would be foolish if he didn't, after working together and being friends for four years. This is an unfortunately common occurrence for her, and for a second she worries that he won't let her leave. Thankfully, that doesn't seem to be what he wants, because he lets her go a second later.

"You good? You seem a bit... windy." She hears Robert giggle at his choice of words in the background, but Chase's face doesn't even twitch, and neither does hers. The little boy doesn't realise how geninue of a question that is for her, how the very air around her sometimes give away her moods. She nods, mustering up a smile, but the raise of his eyebrow and his arms crossing each other make it clear that he won't take a wordless answer. She takes a deep breath in.

"Yeah, i'm good. It was hot today, you know how the heat gets to me." she says passively, slinging her bag over her shoulder and pulling her shoes on. Damn, she almost left without her shit. Chase doesn't seem entirely convinced. "Seriously, don't worry man. I just need some sleep, and i'll be better in no time."

"If that's what you say, i'll believe ya." Chase says, although his face doesn't seem to agree with him. Xuli nods, turning away to walk out the door. "Bye."

"Bye Chase. Bye bye kiddo!" she says with as much of her usual gusto as possible.

"Goodbye Windbreaker!" the kid says as she walks out the door, and she finds herself rolling her eyes.

"Just call me Xuli, kid! You've earned it!" she yells before taking up to the skies, no longer just letting the wind carry her but rather taking it by the reins in a game she much enjoys. The air blowing through her hair, making her skin prickle with the chill that reaches down to her bones yet never takes hold, her eyes watering with the sting and her nose burning slightly, her blood pumping through her veins, she's never felt more alive than when she flies.

She gets home swiftly, and she already feels more alive and steady once she lands. With some sleep, she will feel absolutely perfect in the morning. Just a little sleep, and everything will be fine...

She hopes Robert doesn't grow up to be like her.

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Yippe!!!

I'll post this on ao3 later, but I can't be bothered right now. Update: it's on ao3 now 🥳

Hope you enjoyed! 💕💕💕

[simpleanddestructivechemistry]

fuck this hellsite

seriously. like, finally i am feeling much better and crawled out the pit of depression (thanks to you lovely people who read and answered and send me things and messages, ilu all and it made me cheer up, and you can always send me stuff, it always lifts my mood when people actually react to the random shit i do here. lol), and am having a high and kicked myself in the ass, and checked my inbox and wanted to clear it a bit and answer the bunch of lovely messages and ask and memey things i received recently, and this fucked up blue tunglhell and messed up app just. don't. let. me. do. it. and screw everything up. :/ *cries* fuck it. hard. and i bought new oil and acrylic paints today. and new pencils. and will try to do some art again. be warned. :p and maybe i'll overcome my stupid precariousnesses and post some old stuff, from like 20 years ago... (: yeah. so. *but first i need to proper scan them*

[bonald-thiccdonald]

24, 25 & 26 I want that tea spilled sis!!

24: Are there any Smosh ships that you hate? If so, which ship(s) and why do you hate them?

I'm not big into shipping in this fandom, so I'm not particularly against any ships either.

25: What’s something you wish would change about the Smosh fandom?

I've only ever had actual experience with the fandom here, which is a lovely community that I have absolutely no problems with. I've heard bad things about the other parts of the fandom like Twitter but I don't really engage on there so I don't tend to notice. Maybe I'd encourage people to expand more and talk to people in the other parts of the fandom, but then I would be a hypocrite because I sure as hell am not doing that. It was hard enough on here to build up the courage to talk to people!

26: What is one thing that fandom members do that bugs you?

When I've been scrolling through the explore page on Instagram, I've seen a couple of shippy edits of Smosh members... where the creator had tagged the people in it. No. Don't do that. That would make me really uncomfortable so I bet it makes them uncomfortable too. Like I said, not really a pitcher for this part of the fandom, but I had to get this out.

Thanks for the ask!

[itwasjustmisplaced]

@grumbl3r replied to your post: so just because someone doesn't like a female...

you’re a sweetie for answering this at all. i *CANT STAND* rebecca (mainly cos i think shes a fecking wasted opportunity) but i know entirely what you meant!! always checking myself :D

Awww thank you! <3 <3 <3

I went back to clarify cause I realized it wasn’t clear what I was trying to say...mostly I am exhausted and can’t think straight. 

[copperstown]

i sort of had to remind myself that this guy isn’t my president.

literally. i’m danish.

i have cared more about this election than probably any other election, including my own parlaiment elections, but i don’t actually have to. he might have an influence in some ways on denmark, but it’s probably not going to be anything very major, and for the most part, i can probably ignore him. he won’t influence my life.

i mean, the elections in germany will influence my life more and i don’t care about them. i don’t have to care about him.

i feel sorry for all the americans who are terrified. i genuinely feel for you. i urge you to take care of yourselves and look into what presidential power actually means, because some people are pointing out how little the president can actually do. so look it up and take comfort in it.

as i am a danish citizen, this will get no more attention from me. it’s back to kpop from here on out. i just needed to get this off my chest.

[maker-preserve]

You know what's sad?

When there are no updates to the fanfics you're reading. Then you have to find something else to add to your list. It's the cycle of fan fiction reading. Then there will be the day where you have like 12 updates and you're really busy and all you want to do is read them. [i would link to add that this not a moan at authors. You are awesome and I love you. I'm just greedy.]