This is, without a shadow of a doubt, the most uncomfortable moment of Remus’ life.
“Welcome to the most romantic hour of your life!”
The tinny voice sounds over the speakers as the cable car shudders to life. It starts its journey, and Remus risks a glance at Sirius. He’s sat about as far from Remus as he physically can; tensed up, arms folded, glaring out of the window like the landscape had personally insulted him. Remus looks back out of his own window, making sure to maintain the distance Sirius seems to be so precious about.
They don’t speak as the voice over the speaker goes through the health and safety rules. Not that Remus is listening.
“So?” Sirius finally breaks the silence between the two of them. “Going to tell me why we’re here?” His voice is quiet, irritated. It sends a spike of frustration through Remus.
“Thought it’d be nice,” he answers back, clipped.
“Mm, so nice,” Sirius shoots back.
Remus frowns, turning to look at Sirius.
“I didn’t exactly know that we weren’t going to be…” He trails off, considering. “On speaking terms,” he lands on. Sirius frowns, eyes still fixed on the window as they travel higher. When he doesn’t say anything, Remus groans. “If you’re so against it, why the fuck are you here?”
“Didn’t exactly have a choice, did I?”
“…You did. Of course you did. I wouldn’t have dragged you here.”
“James would’ve,” Sirius answers simply, as if it were obvious.
The words sting as soon as they hit Remus.
The one thing that had kept his hope alive, the fact that Sirius had showed, is pulled from him, torn apart in those moments.
At this point, Remus isn’t even sure it’d be a bad thing anmore.
Sure, it would crush him. Christ, he’d probably stop fighting in this whole bloody war altogether. Still, maybe it’d be better than trying to piece together the ashes of what they once had. It seems to have died a long time ago. Long before Remus had picked up on it. Before he had a chance to have his say in it.
“Great.” The word escapes Remus, along with a hollow laugh, before he can stop them. “I should’ve known that you’d only be alone with me if someone forced you.” Sirius doesn’t say anything, but Remus can see his jaw tighten. Against his better judgement, he pushes. “Of course it was James. Of course he’s the one who actually gave a fuck. Not sure why I thought you’d show up on your own. You hardly come home if you can help it.”
To be completely honest, he doesn’t care anymore.
Especially not when it works.
“What do you want from me, Remus?” Sirius asks, impatient.
“I want you to look at me, Sirius!” Remus bursts out suddenly, standing and turning to him. “To fucking look at me! Not through me, or anywhere but me! I don’t think you’ve really done that in months!” Sirius flinches, but Remus isn’t finished. Months of pent up frustration pour out of him before he can help himself. “I don’t get you anymore! You’re different!”
“There’s a war going on,” Sirius interjects sharply, still not turning to look at Remus. “Merlin forbid I’m a bit different.”
“A bit?” Remus arches an eyebrow, wanting to tear his own hair out. “A bit.” He huffs a tired laugh, scrubbing a hand over his face. “If this is a bit, then I’m- I’m fucking scared,” Remus says. He keeps an eye on Sirius’ face, desperate to get something out of him. Even if it’s Sirius shouting and pacing, he needs something other than this. This… cold, detached distance that has become their entire relationship. “Christ, Sirius, we used to be so- we used to be happy. You used to be able to look me in the eye. I mean… what the fuck is this?!” He gestures between them. “What is this?!”
“Don’t bullshit me,” Remus interrupts, and Sirius snaps his mouth shut. “I’m pretty sure I can guess.” He tries to keep his voice steady, lowering it. “I’m not an idiot, I know what you’re thinking, I just- fuck, of all people, I never thought you’d be the one to think that I’m the spy.” The words finally seem to have some kind of effect on Sirius, who shakes his head. ‘What? Am I wrong?”
Sirius doesn’t say anything, and Remus knows he’s right. He knows exactly what Sirius has assumed.
“I didn’t think you’d think so little of me,” Remus says, voice deadly. “I thought you trusted me, but I guess not-“
“I did trust you!” Sirius shouts, out of nowhere. He finally, finally, finally, rises and looks at Remus. “I gave you the benefit of the doubt so many fucking times! You don’t tell me anything anymore! I tried! I asked you over and over, you always just said you couldn’t tell me about your missions, or your time with the pack!”
“Dumbledore!” Remus wants to tear his fucking hair out. Instead, he presses his palms to his eyes for a moment, trying to level himself out. “I’m not meant to tell anybody-“
“Since when did that include me?!”
“Since he told me it included you!” Remus snaps back. “You can ask him yourself! If he found out, he wouldn’t send me anywhere else. I wouldn’t be able to do anything anymore!”
“I wouldn’t have let him find out!” Sirius snaps. "Christ, it's like you didn't want me to know! You've been all withdrawn, Remus!" As he shouts, they jolt to a stop.
Remus looks around, as the tinny voice returns.
“Oh dear! It appears we are experiencing a minor technical error! Staff have been alerted, you should be back to moving within the next hour.”
It doesn’t deter Sirius, who’s finally letting his own share of frustrations out.
“I mean, what the fuck did you expect me to think?!”
Panic rises in Remus’ throat, everything mixing together as the walls of the small, cramped cable car seem to close in on him. Sirius’ voice is drowned out by a ringing in Remus’ ear, his chest constricting as breathing gets awfully difficult.
He knows that Sirius is still going, he can see him talking through the black spots in his vision, but Remus can’t take a single word of it in. He wants to listen, wants to finally hash this out, but he can’t-
He can’t fucking breathe.
“Remus?” Sirius’ voice sounds like it’s underwater, as Remus squeezes his eyes shut, trying to fight the panic gripping at every inch of him with cold fingers. “Hey, Remus, breathe.”
A hand suddenly presses against his chest, and he opens his eyes to find Sirius close, one hand on his chest, the other squeezing his shoulder.
“Breathe slowly, okay?” Sirius deepens his own breathing, and Remus tries desperately to follow suit. Sirius nods, as the weight of the panic slowly starts ot ease away. “Yeah, that’s it. Slowly.”
It takes a long time, and a lot of gentle coaxing from Sirius, but eventually, finally, Remus is mostly regulated. Embarrassment starts to creep in, alongside a hint of confusion as Sirius surveys his face desperately, eyes scanning across his features.
Then, without warning, Sirius pulls Remus into a hug.
It dawns on Remus that this is the first time they’ve touched in months. It breaks something inside of Remus, his anger melting away as he wraps his arms around Sirius. The hug is tight, bone breaking, as Sirius whispers in his ear.
Remus pulls away, unable to waste another second. Without hesitating, he connects their lips. Sirius lets his grip on Remus tighten as he kisses Remus back urgently, desperately, hungrily.
Suddenly, everything from before feels irrelevant.
Remus knows that this hasn’t fixed everything. They're not going to be normal again. Christ, this argument isn't even over yet. He knows that they have a lot to talk about, they have a lot to make up for. There are going to be more days where Remus wants to shout, scream, cry, beg for the war to end so that they can go back to the way they were before; blissfully untouched.
Maybe this something is all they need to make it through in once piece.
All Remus knows is that neither of them are letting go. Not yet.
They're going to piece together the fucking ashes or die trying.
