#iamblueraspberry vents

[iamblueraspberry]

Having a bad day today.

APPARENTLY things can still go moldy in the freezer. Just had to throw out a bunch of frozen burritos at work. Super upset about this. It sucks to have to throw out a bunch of my safe food when I'm having trouble eating...

Plus I just learned that Netflix took Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles off. My favorite show, gone forever. They kept the movie up, but the show is gone. If anyone knows how I can kill Netflix for this, let me know!

[iamblueraspberry]

here we go again...

Vent

TW: Dysphoria, thoughts of self harm, self hate, graphic descriptions, etc.

Crying myself to sleep tonight.

I was supposed to shower.

I didn't shower.

Instead I just sat in the bathroom for 3 hours begging myself to move. To just. Get in and get it over with.

But I couldn't get myself to move.

The thought of undressing and washing myself was too much. There's the usual stuff with my chest Dysphoria, but I'm also on my period so my usual coping methods wouldn't work. Plus that's just another layer of Dysphoria added on top of things. It's like a 7 layer bean dip of suffering.

So I eventually just. Gave up. It's past 2 am and I have work tomorrow. I got a wet washcloth and wiped down my armpits and chest and prayed that that'll be enough for now.

This has happened a LOT lately. I've started to develop a paranoia about how I smell. It's making things really difficult. I am terrified of smelling bad, but in order to not smell bad I have to shower. Which has felt impossible lately. It's an endless cycle of anxiety and self loathing.

I really wish I could just rip off my breasts and pull out my uterus and ovaries and vagina and throw them down into a bloody, steaming mess on the floor.

I wish I had been born without any genitals or boobs or nipples. I wish I was just. Smooth. Like how a ken doll has a flat chest with no nipples. I want that so much.

I hate my body rn. I hate myself for being so pathetic. I wish I could just take care of myself like a normal person. Instead I'm stuck with a body that feels viscerally wrong and awful. And is always in pain these days and I still have no idea why.

I feel like I'm broken. Like I came out flawed and wrong. I feel unlovable. It's the worst. I just wish I could function properly. But instead I'm sobbing alone in my room at 2:30 in the morning and wishing I could take a break from existing for a bit. I feel like a failure. Like a burden to my family. Sometimes I wonder how they find the patience to put up with me. I'm not an easy person to live with. I'm a helpless blob of smelly flesh that can't do anything right on my own. I don't know how they're not sick of me. I'm sick of me. I'm tired of being so useless. I'm just so so tired of being alive. I wanna leave this plane of existence for w bit. Just until I feel better. Then I can come back and keep trying. But I really need a break but I don't have time for one rn. There's too much going on atm that needs my attention and not enough time to process it all. And I'm so burnt out and exhausted.

Pray for me y'all. Or send good vibes. I need it.

[iamblueraspberry]

I think I figured out why my chest dysphoria is so much worse lately, and I honestly feel really guilty about it.

My bestie just got top surgery last fall, and I'm extremely happy for them, but I'm also kinda super jealous. I wish I could have joined them. And because of this my brain has decided to fixate on this and it's made things a lot worse.

And now it feels impossible for me because my parents don't think this is a good time, and also my dad is retiring in March, so I'll have to get my own insurance, which is really scary & I'm also poor and probably won't be able to get a great plan, so the likelihood of having my insurance cover the surgery is slim.

I know my dad is looking forward to retirement, and I'm happy for him, but I'm also really scared about the future...

[iamblueraspberry]

I'm finally getting my degree after almost 5 years of college. I am one of the 5% of ADHD people that manage to get a degree. I am so excited to finally be graduating.

...

...So why do I feel so terrible...?

[iamblueraspberry]

(Vent Post) Things I Should Be Able To Do But For Some Reason/Various Reasons I Can't Do Them And It Makes Me Feel Like My Existence Is A Burden And That I'm Failing Everyone By Just Being Around

Keep my room clean

Eat healthily/keep myself fed

Personal hygiene

Have/keep a proper sleep schedule

Help people when they ask, even if I don't want to do it

Be on time for Things

Get up in the morning

Hydrate

Have a healthy discussion about hard topics without things turning into an argument

Chores

Spend time with people

Not hide inside my room and rarely come out

Get rid of things I don't use or need

Keep things organized

Remember events, important details, tasks, etc.

Do My dishes

Exercise

Go outside

Hold still when asked

Volume control

Make phone calls

Remember to schedule appointments

Take my meds on a regular schedule

Be reliable

Not procrastinate

Laundry

Change my sheets

Save money

Stop picking my skin/acne

Keep myself grounded

Take care of myself/Basic Self Care

Not blame myself for everything

Keep trips to the bathroom short

Stop crying/Only cry for short periods of time

Regulate my emotions

Trust people

Not make assumptions about people based on little information

Stay in touch with people

Cleaning the bathroom/toilet

Solve my own problems/Look for solutions

Plan for the future

And I'm sure there's more but I can't think of anything else rn but my brain is insisting there is more things wrong with me

Not worry about things outside of my control

Act like an adult

Act like a human

If anyone has questions/wants to know more about anything here/wants to talk about stuff, please ask. I need to talk about this but I'm scared.