Making Up For Lost Time: A Poem
“At 17 the doctor told me that I was chronically ill
And that memory is burned to the front of my mind still
I mean how could I find relief from this pain I’d been feeling?
Couldn’t absorb that it was possible
That for 3 more years I’d be living in a hospital
With drugs in my veins and family by my side
Never ceasing their prayers for the pain I couldn’t hide
From this sickness that I had been afflicted with
Never could have predicted
How close I could get
From treading the line between life and death
So every day at 17 I was dying while living
Holding my head high but ready to give in
I mean there comes a point when you wonder just how much you can endure
When the doctors are telling you they can’t find a cure
So you’re left stuck in this bed and stuck in this body
I never thought at 17 I could have fallen this ill
And still I regret all the things I had missed
Graduation and college and friends going on trips
While I was stuck in a bed or at home with this pain
And at 18 I was wondering if I’d ever feel the same
I mean one day I woke up and my body felt awful
No warning just one day I got given a handful
Of shit I never signed up for or wanted
And then one day I’m told that all of it’s chronic
So at 18 I’m getting up every day in the morning
Trying my fucking hardest just to feel normal
Hardly telling anyone what I truly felt inside
So I hid all my feelings for fear of being depressing
But I’ve decided I’m done with all of this repressing
I mean fuck it at 19 years old I was dying
At 19 years old I was lying in a hospital bed waiting for morphine
Praying for more dreams that this nightmare one given
This life I’m not living
My body was rotting from the inside out
My head and my heart were filled with such doubt
And my sister was telling me she feared for my life
Because her own baby sibling was going under the knife
So give me all of your struggles and strifes
And I will take them with ease.
I’d trade you any day
Because at least I’d have a life instead of throwing it all away
To a white room with white sheets and white pills and no sleep
So give me it all because at 20 I was dying
And at 21 I’m still trying to grasp all this shit
That three months ago I didn’t know if I’d live to see tomorrow
Didn’t know if God would grant me another day to borrow
And my heart is filled with sorrow and grief for my life
That was cut away from me like my guts with a knife
But now at 21 I’m living
But still struggling with forgiving my body and God for all of this shit
For all of these problems I’ve been forced to deal with
Nobody asked me if I was ready to take it
Every day waking up and wondering if I can make it
I’m done faking that I was ever okay
Done worrying that my sorrows would get in everyone’s way
And I’m done sugar coating
Because fuck it, I was dying
And I’m done lying
To myself or to anyone else
So no, I’m not okay and I’m swallowing my pride
And finally letting show what I’ve been hiding inside
Because at 21 I struggle to get out of bed
Every day and that much is fucking with my head
And I’m waiting expectantly for something to go wrong
Because that’s how my life has played out for so long
And at 21 I’m waiting to be free
From this disease that has its grasps so tight around me
And I’m struggling to make up for so much lost time
Because I’m trying to get back all the years I was dying”
- remem-brandt (please don’t remove credit)
