#idealisation phase

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Stuck between Bombs and Love Bombs: How Splitting and Projection Got You Here

In the first part of this video, Sacha Slone talks about how the idealisation phase continues to haunt the targets of narcissistic abuse, after they have been discarded. To oversimplify, targets continue to experience cognitive dissonance after the discard, and thereby recapitulate the intermittent reinforcement that bonds them to their abusers. They are denied any understanding or closure, or else there is just no satisfactory explanation for how they were treated. As a consequence, they can’t reconcile the dream with the nightmare. They can’t reconcile the fact that they were idealised, and the way their abusers behaved during the idealisation phase (the love-bombing, future faking, extremely positive proclamations and promises) with the fact that they were devalued and discarded, and the way their abusers behaved during the devaluation and discard phases (the viciousness, hostility, contempt, indifference). The narcissistic abuser’s abrupt shifts between idealisation and devaluation are instances of splitting. Splitting, in turn, often involves psychological projection.

In this connection, the second part of the video covers splitting and projection, along with projective identification. These are unconscious defense mechanisms that typically underlie narcissistically abusive behaviour. Much narcissistically abusive behaviour can be explained by the assumption that these defense mechanisms are amplified, rigidified, and more regularly employed within the narcissistic abuser, as well as by the fact that the abuser is either unwilling or unable to subject the products of these unconscious processes to timely self-reflection.

I think it is especially important that the mechanism of projective identification is more widely understood, even though it is the more complicated of the three mechanisms discussed. (Projective identification is discussed by Rune Fardal at the end of the video.) If there’s a most helpful defense mechanism to learn about when it comes to explaining narcissistically abusive behaviour (and especially covertly abusive behaviour), then that mechanism is projective identification. The abuses that are explained by projective identification are among the most mind-fucking and crazy-making of the lot. Accordingly, even just knowing that this mechanism exists is a huge help, when it comes to dissolving some of the toxic mess that remains after the discard.

Understanding projective identification is important even for those who’ve not been narcissistically abused. As Fardal points out, abuses that are driven by projective identification are covert and difficult to expose. However, already knowing about projective identification increases the likelihood of exposing the true nature of such abuses. Projective identification, as well as any abuse that it underlies, basically amounts to a form of unconscious blame-shifting. The interpersonal dynamics of projective identification make it difficult to recognise that a person is being emotionally manipulated and abused in this way. Moreover, the widespread failure to understand these dynamics makes victim-blaming far more likely. For this reason, the wider understanding of projective identification is incredibly important. The majority of chronic emotional abusers have cluster B personality disorders (narcissism, psychopathy, borderline personality, or histrionic personality), and projective identification is responsible for so much of the toxic behaviours of these abusers. It follows that much of the abuse that is occurring around us goes unnoticed, or else is misidentified or mischaracterised in a way that condemns and further traumatises the targets of this abuse.

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Side-step the Quicksand

Dana (Thrive after Abuse) discusses the narcissistic abuse cycle, with more of an emphasis on the initial idealisation phase. The red flags of idealisation seem to be the most benign. But it is in this initial phase that the emotional trap is set, and slams shut on your mind and your heart. Consequently, the red flags of idealisation are the most important ones to recognise and take seriously, in order to avoid harm before it’s too late, and in order to minimise the damage. Side-step the quicksand of narcissistic abuse.

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The Shape of Extreme Narcissism in the Intimate Romantic Context

Shahida Arabi discusses narcissistic abuse in the context of intimate romantic relationships, which consists in an idealisation phase, then a devaluation phase, and then a discard phase. In the process, she touches on a number of narcissistic strategies of emotional manipulation and deflection, as well as how the target is affected during the discard phase.

Idealisation Phase

Mirroring

Love bombing

You are put on a pedestal and can seemingly do no wrong

You are ‘so much better than my crazy exes’

Apparently sincere proclamations of romantic love

Future-faking (fantasising about, and even planning, a future with you; expressing the desire to travel with you, or move in with you, or grow old with you, etc.; constant reassurances of how perfect you are for each other, and how stable, long-lasting, and self-sustaining the connection is, despite being so new)

Intense attention, praise, affection

Apparently sincere references to an unexpectedly deep bond (perhaps even a magical, transcendent, or spiritual bond)

Intense emotional closeness and engagement

General emphasis on the special, valuable, unprecedented nature of the new intimate connection

Devaluation Phase

Abrupt emotional withdrawal

Inconsistent treatment (i.e., ‘blowing hot and cold’)

Dosing and intermittent reinforcement

Covert or overt put-downs and insinuations

Brief instances of narcissistic rage (usually cold rage)

Bouts of stonewalling (silent treatment)

Gaslighting and minimisation

Punishing normal reactions to the emotional withdrawal, or describing them as clingy, needy, dependent, too intense, etc.

Psychological projection (the abuser’s bad feelings, or the things that the abuser dislikes about himself, are attributed to you or blamed on you)

Belittling, dismissal, or mockery of your needs and feelings

Avoidance of conversations about your feelings and boundaries

Avoidance of conversations about the abuser’s own feelings

Triangulation for the purpose of gaslighting and self-validation (foreshadowing the smear campaign and flying monkeys of the discard phase)

Triangulation for the purpose of manipulating self-esteem and jealousy

Discard Phase

Abrupt abandonment and rejection, without explanation, compassion, conversation, or closure

Total emotional disengagement (indifference, contempt, and aloofness; unless challenged, in which case, rage)

Indefinite stonewalling

Possible smear campaigns, gaslighting, and use of triangulation and flying monkeys to deflect accountability

Projection, and the deflection of resolution and accountability, by playing the victim and painting you as the harrasser or abuser

Experience of the target during the discard phase:

Initial shock, and the assumption that there’s been some kind of mistake, confusion, or miscommunication (this is less about denial and more a problem with sense-making)

Unresolvable emotional distress (the intensity of which is often unexpected, out-of-character, and confusing for the target)

Extremely low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness

Near constant desperation to resolve the tension, and the apparent (and inexplicable) conflict

Feelings of powerlessness, helplessness, and humiliation

Shame and self-blame

Obsession and intrusive ruminations

Intense confusion

Unresolvable cognitive dissonance, especially regarding the abuser’s true nature, and the abuser’s true attitudes towards the target and the relationship

Feelings of betrayal, violation, and objectification

Anxiety, nervousness (‘jumpiness’), restlessness

Sleep disturbances

Anhedonia and lack of motivation

Difficulty concentrating

Self-isolation

Continuing (self-generated) intermittent reinforcement

A persisting trauma bond

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Why Psychopaths are Narcissistic Abusers (and Why Their Lack of Empathy Plays a Necessary Role)

According to Dr Freeman, the psychopath’s tendency to narcissistically abuse is mostly caused by his upregulated reward system (i.e., his sensation-seeking, or addictive streak), together with his inability to bond with others. However, reducing the causes of the psychopath’s narcissistic abuse to just these two ignores the role of the psychopath’s lack of empathy. It thereby fails even as an approximation of the aetiological story.

The narcissistic abuse cycle—idealise, devalue, discard—tends to be imposed on others by a person with any of the Cluster B personality disorders. However, putting aside the diagnostic categories of the DSM, chronic narcissistic abusers can be roughly divided between those with psychopathic traits and those with broadly narcissistic traits (the two are not mutually exclusive).

Roughly, psychopathy consists in (i) being incapable of normal empathy and bonding, and (ii) being highly stimulation-seeking (i.e., easily bored; impulsive; extremely responsive to immediate positive and negative stimuli; having an addictive streak). Psychopathy is also associated with noticeable brain abnormalities, whereas narcissism (in general) is not.

Having extreme broadly narcissistic traits roughly consists in (i) being extremely driven to obtain a specific kind of stimulus, and to avoid the absence of this stimulus, to the total exclusion of empathy and bonding (i.e., with severe disregard for others and one’s relationships with others), and (ii) (unconsciously) coping with the trauma of its absence by denying it, and projecting the felt desperation and trauma onto others.

I would say that one person A will narcissistically abuse another person B whenever all of the following conditions hold:

(i) there is an immediate stimulus that A is driven to obtain, which can be obtained by feigning stable positive feelings and positive attitudes towards B (especially romantic love and bonding)

(ii) the serious risk to B of doing this is ignored (whether due to a lack of empathy, or a lack of awareness)

(iii) displaying the relevant feelings and attitudes towards B, despite failing to have them, eventually leads to the withdrawal of the desired stimulus, or the introduction of a new stimulus that A is driven to avoid

(iv) the absence of the desired stimulus, or the presence of the new aversive stimulus, is most easily avoided by attacking or punishing B, or by avoiding B as quickly and completely as possible

(v) the serious risk to B of taking the easiest route is ignored (whether due to a lack of empathy, or a lack of awareness)

In light of the above, it should be easy to see why both psychopathy and narcissism reliably predict the narcissistic abuse cycle, in their different ways.

In the attached video, Dr Rhonda Freeman discusses one of the reasons that psychopaths narcissistically abuse others, which lines up with the two components of psychopathy mentioned above. Psychopaths have an upregulated reward system, which is not properly controlled by the executive system. The brain abnormalities observed in psychopaths are commensurate with this—they consist mainly in enlarged and abnormal subcortical regions (e.g., the amygdala), together with degraded connections to the prefrontal cortex. Freeman suggests that the upregulated reward system, together with the psychopath’s inability to bond with others, is largely responsible for the pattern of narcissistic abuse. In virtue of his upregulated reward system, the psychopath is extremely responsive to novelty and to immediate positive stimuli, which leads to his love bombing those to whom he is attracted—i.e., to the idealisation phase of the abuse cycle. However, because the narcissist does not bond with others (i.e., does not experience genuine romantic love), he feels nothing for the other person once the initial novelty and excitement have worn off. Consequently, he devalues the other person, starts treating her hurtfully and inconsistently, becomes increasingly cruel, callous, and irritable, and eventually discards the other person as though she is merely a disposable object.

Although the psychopath’s upregulated reward system and inability to bond are important causes of his narcissistically abusing others, the psychopath’s tendency to narcissistically abuse certainly cannot be reduced to just these causes. At times, Dr Freeman speaks as though the psychopath’s tendency to narcissistically abuse might indeed be reducible in this way. However, another component plays a necessary role—namely, the psychopath’s lack of empathy. Although the psychopath’s lack of empathy is related to his inability to bond with others, it is explanatorily distinct.

Dr Freeman touches on this issue very briefly, when she talks about the psychopath’s reward system entering ‘phase 2’. She mentions that this is often experienced by the other person as the dropping of a mask or facade. Freeman also says that once the initial excitement wears off, the ‘dark personality traits’ start to show. This darkness and cruelty is a necessary part of the psychopath’s narcissistic abuse. In the devaluation and discard phases, it is a necessary cause of the narcissist’s punishment and cruel treatment of the other person, and also a necessary cause of his eventual indifference to, and discarding of, the other person.

If the only necessary causes were the narcissist’s upregulated reward system and his inability to bond, then there would be no reason for him to be cruel, and no reason for him to disregard the well-being of the other person. If he had been innocently mistaken about the nature of his feelings in the idealisation phase (rather than deliberately deceiving and manipulating the other person), then, once the initial novelty and excitement had worn off, and once he had realised his mistake, he would be capable of apologising and showing compassion. He could be honest about what had happened, and admit his mistake. He could offer something in the way of closure and explanation to the other person, so that she might have the understanding that she needs in order to heal and move on. He would be able to hold himself accountable for hurting the other person, and express guilt and remorse. And he would certainly be able to avoid causing further harm to the other person; e.g., to avoid physically or verbally attacking her, gaslighting and manipulating her, cheating on her, and so on. The devaluation and discard phases consist in the fact that the psychopath does not show any of these capacities, and instead devalues, denigrates, manipulates, attacks, discards, and so on. Therefore, the psychopath’s lack of empathy is a necessary cause of his tendency to narcissistically abuse.

Of course, psychopaths are not innocently mistaken about the nature of their feelings in the idealisation phase. Unlike some narcissists (in the relevant broad sense), the psychopath’s love-bombing, future-faking, and so on, are not the result of a lack of understanding and a lack of self-awareness. Rather, the psychopath is doing these things deliberately, to deceive, use, exploit, and manipulate the other person. Thus, even though the psychopath’s lack of empathy only becomes visible once the idealisation phase drops away, it also plays a necessary role even in this initial phase of the psychopath’s abuse cycle.