#idiotchronicles

[idiotchronicles-blog]

Facebook, Part IV: People who are “Facebook-Obsessed” with their Significant Other or Child

(Facebook is like a sieve, that goes through the entire population of which MANY people are idiots, and ends up with a population where MOST people are idiots. While a handful of people use Facebook thoughtfully, to keep up with family and friends and occasionally post interesting, culturally relevant topics, most of Facebook has turned into a circus of self-worship and…well…idiocy. In the coming days, we will be posting our multi-part analysis of Facebook Idiots.)

We get it - you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/child/baby.  They love you.  You love them.  Congratulations - you are the first person ever to have one of these.  And because you are the first one ever, you have to make sure EVERYONE IN THE WORLD KNOWS ABOUT IT.  Obviously you are not the first one; people have been pairing off and then reproducing for LITERALLY THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF THE HUMAN RACE.  Also, you usually lying (or at the very least exaggerating).  Anyone who has been on the planet Earth for more than 5 minutes knows the reality behind these pics.  That cute pic of you and your BF on valentines day was taken 4 minutes before a huge fight about why you’re not engaged yet.  The pic of your big eyed toddler was 5 seconds after he tried to stick all 5 fingers of his right hand into an electric socket (you saved him just in time, just like you always do, because he is literally attracted to things like knives and fire).  The “new baby photo shoot “with a FUCKING NEWBORN that fakely resting on their arms with some stupid hat on doesn’t picture your bleeding, torn vagina and husband snoring through the baby’s cries when you wake up every 1.5 hours to feed.  Here’s a thought - save your Facebook posts for singular, meaningful announcements of major life events so that your friends and family can be updated and share their well-wishes.  Stop using Facebook to counter your personal demons and insecurities.  Oh, and if it wasn’t clear from Parts 1-4, Shut the fuck up.

[idiotchronicles-blog]

People who Talk on Speaker Phone in Public

I have no fucking idea when this became a thing.  When we all had flip phones, I don’t recall seeing people walk around with their flip phones all open and some grainy-ass speaker phone echoing down the aisles of CVS.  Is this a consequence of the improved quality of the smartphone speaker?  Or maybe it is just another sad symptom of the hubris that has taken over society - when we hear our own voices we can’t think about anything else. 

[idiotchronicles-blog]

People Who Don’t RSVP

This is annoying and rude. When you get an invitation, 90% of the time you already know if you can go or not. And if you don’t feel like going you still know if you are going to feel forced to go anyway. So RSVP . Don’t put it on the counter and wait for someone to die so you have an excuse not to go.  Fill it  out and send it in.  This will prevent people from shit talking you behind your back and prevent the awkward phone call of ‘hello are you coming since the RSVP date was 2 weeks ago in bold lettering on the invite and we haven't heard from you.’ If you feel like putting no, then fuck it, put no and don’t go. Chances are the person sending the invite needs some people to cancel anyway so you’re practically doing them a favor. Just send the damn thing in.

[idiotchronicles-blog]

People Who Start Sentences with "At Least" When Something Bad Happens to You

You know these people, and if you don’t you are probably one of them. It’s like you tell them about a fight you had with your boyfriend and they say “well at least you have a boyfriend”. Or you vent about a stressful day at work and they say “at least you make good money”. You had a miscarriage “well at least you know you can get pregnant” WTF? (and yes, that actually happened to someone I know). It’s like you can’t do anything without them trying to minimize what you are feeling. Maybe they’re just uncomfortable and are trying to find the silver lining to hid their discomfort, but the silver lining is just a black cloud. No one wants to hear it.

[idiotchronicles-blog]

People Who Play Their Music Out Loud on Public Transportation

This is mind-boggling.  I have infinite questions for these people.  I am afraid to pose them because they always look like people that could kill me with their bare hands/with the knife in their pockets, so I’ll stick to giving them a passive-agressive bitchface and posing my questions in this forum instead.  Literally even if I like the song they are playing I am so enraged at their hubris that I can’t even enjoy it.

How do you know I want to listen to that on my way to work?

How do you know I want to listen to anything on my way to work?

What if two people on this subway car want to have a conversation?

What if there is a toddler on the train who’s not trying to learn about “that bitch who go balls deep?”

What if someone else wants to play their music out loud?  Who wins?