The Idiot Chronicles

Musings of two best friends who hate everyone.

[idiotchronicles-blog]

Facebook, Part V: Pregnancy Posts

I told BFF1 not to get me started on this topic but here we go.

Ok so you are pregnant. Yes it’s exciting we get it you are thrilled, over the moon, yes we understand. You crave attention. You want your pregnancy to be in the center of everyone’s minds. Maybe it’s the hormones or maybe you’re just an idiot. HOWEVER:

1. We all know what a sonogram looks like.  Posting a picture of it doesn’t tell us anything. It looks like a grey, black and white blob.  Although the pictures with the extra pair of shoes are not any better.  And enough with the holding your stomach in every picture.  Most people can’t even tell you are pregnant unless your 5 plus (esp with your first kid).  I see pictures of people trying to hold there belly but there is nothing to hold yet.

2. Is it a new concept that as you get further into pregnancy you get bigger?  Do we all need to see the progression every single week?  The baby is suppose to grow, that’s the point of it taking 9 months.  We don’t need to keep seeing pictures of you in sports bras holding your phone up to the mirror.  We get it.  Do you like getting fat?  Why don’t you show the before and after of eating a cheeseburger.  And while you’re taking that selfie of your pregnant belly, try to remember to clean up.  We don’t need to see an underwear in the corner with dirty socks on the floor.  Plus, we all know a baby moves in the stomach. What is it with videos and status of the baby moving? And that it’s “going to be a soccer player?”  BABIES MOVE. THAT’S WHAT SUPPOSE TO HAPPEN.

3. I saw this girl on facebook who was literally 12 weeks pregnant and posted her announcement.  Then, every other day would post or share some article and facts for “all the moms out there” about breastfeeding and car seat rules and discipline and how much tv time is allowed.  Calm down.  Your kid is the size of a freaking sesame seed right now.  You haven’t started raising it.  You have no idea what it is going to be like to raise it.  Are you some expert now on child-rearing because you had sex and got pregnant?  Is that the prerequisite to being a know-it-alll on all things kid?  Not to mention when you do realize what being a parent is actually like, especially with at the baby/toddler stage, all those “TV time” rules you posted are going to go out the window when they have been crying or whining for hours and Peppa Pig is the only thing that will make them shut up so you get 3 minutes of peace in your day.

4.Now it’s time for the baby to be born.  I don’t know what’s worse, announcing the pregnancy or announcing the birth.  First of all, we know you didn’t have a full face of makeup and your hair cannot be that perfectly styled after giving birth.  No one really cares what you look like in pictures, it’s suppose to be about the baby.  But, as usual, facebook is filled with self-serving motives.  Second of all, we don’t need 450 pictures. Newborns all look the same: potatoes with hair.  Just post a couple so everyone knows they look like they’re supposed to, end of story.  We don’t need the generic “leaving the hospital in the carseat” picture and “walking into the house” picture. Babies go home after they are born.  Typically driven home in a car.  We get it.  We don’t need pictures every hour telling us how much they eat, how much they shit, how much they cried before they slept, how amazing they are doing with sleeping, etc.  Chances are you're probably lying anyway (see every previous Facebook idiot post).

5. We don’t need every detail.  “Little Bobby touched his toe! HOLY SHIT” “Little Ella rolled over!!” “Little Harry finally went pee and shit in the big boy toilet Hurry!” We don't need to know.  And while you post daily updates we also don’t want to hear you call your husband “Daddy.”  “Daddy and Jimmy watching TV together!” “Daddy and Jimmy sleeping.”  His name is Joe.  It’s Joe and Jimmy. He is not your dad.  And on that subject of Joe and Jimmy sleeping, half the sleeping pictures of moms and dads sleeping while holding the sleeping baby are fake completely set up pictures. Why would you post a sleeping picture of you and your kid on Facebook?  I know there is a clinical diagnosis for sleepwalking...is there one for sleep take-selfies-with-your-kid?

6. I know we are getting off pregnancy now and after birth, but one more then I’ll let you go. It also bugs me is when people post a question out there on Facebook directed at other moms. “Fellow moms out there, little Tommy is screaming so much! Don’t understand why! He keeps touching his belly. Any advice?”  Um yes.  I am a fellow mom.  I have some advice.  GO SEE A DOCTOR.  “Little Jenny shits have a bit of blood in them? Any moms been through this before and know what to do?”  Your phone is in your hand posting this shit.  Close your Facebook app, press the little square that has a telephone on it, and CALL SOMEONE WHO IS QUALIFIED TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS.  

Ok Ok I am done. And before you say everyone does this kind of stuff, I will let you know as a mother myself, I have NEVER done any of these on Facebook.  My close friends and family get updates about myself and my children through normal, personalized channels of communication.  I am not an idiot, and you shouldn’t be one either

[idiotchronicles-blog]

Facebook, Part IV: People who are “Facebook-Obsessed” with their Significant Other or Child

(Facebook is like a sieve, that goes through the entire population of which MANY people are idiots, and ends up with a population where MOST people are idiots. While a handful of people use Facebook thoughtfully, to keep up with family and friends and occasionally post interesting, culturally relevant topics, most of Facebook has turned into a circus of self-worship and…well…idiocy. In the coming days, we will be posting our multi-part analysis of Facebook Idiots.)

We get it - you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/child/baby.  They love you.  You love them.  Congratulations - you are the first person ever to have one of these.  And because you are the first one ever, you have to make sure EVERYONE IN THE WORLD KNOWS ABOUT IT.  Obviously you are not the first one; people have been pairing off and then reproducing for LITERALLY THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF THE HUMAN RACE.  Also, you usually lying (or at the very least exaggerating).  Anyone who has been on the planet Earth for more than 5 minutes knows the reality behind these pics.  That cute pic of you and your BF on valentines day was taken 4 minutes before a huge fight about why you’re not engaged yet.  The pic of your big eyed toddler was 5 seconds after he tried to stick all 5 fingers of his right hand into an electric socket (you saved him just in time, just like you always do, because he is literally attracted to things like knives and fire).  The “new baby photo shoot “with a FUCKING NEWBORN that fakely resting on their arms with some stupid hat on doesn’t picture your bleeding, torn vagina and husband snoring through the baby’s cries when you wake up every 1.5 hours to feed.  Here’s a thought - save your Facebook posts for singular, meaningful announcements of major life events so that your friends and family can be updated and share their well-wishes.  Stop using Facebook to counter your personal demons and insecurities.  Oh, and if it wasn’t clear from Parts 1-4, Shut the fuck up.

[idiotchronicles-blog]

Facebook, Part III: People with Facebook Accounts for their Kids and Pets

(Facebook is like a sieve, that goes through the entire population of which MANY people are idiots, and ends up with a population where MOST people are idiots. While a handful of people use Facebook thoughtfully, to keep up with family and friends and occasionally post interesting, culturally relevant topics, most of Facebook has turned into a circus of self-worship and…well…idiocy. In the coming days, we will be posting our multi-part analysis of Facebook Idiots.)

Are you really so bored in your life that in your free time you decided to make a Facebook account for your pet or your baby?  If you think about it, it’s weird and actually a little dangerous that you are making an account for a baby or toddler with their full name, personal information and pictures.  Have you not seen any Lifetime movies?  And for a pet?  Pets.  Can’t.  Read.  Do you really think your puppy gives a shit about having a Facebook account?  

Once again it’s the idiots who are commenting directly towards the animal or kid that make this whole phenomenon worse.  People posting happy birthday to a dog...they tell it to come over and hang out...just, no.  If you ask a baby a question on their facebook do you know what they are going to say? LAKJSD;2lkjfa;lstu4wepjs.  Because they can’t read or type, and they are sitting on the keyboard.  Get a life.

[idiotchronicles-blog]

Facebook, Part II: People Who Post Needy and Attention-Seeking Facebook Statuses

(Facebook is like a sieve, that goes through the entire population of which MANY people are idiots, and ends up with a population where MOST people are idiots. While a handful of people use Facebook thoughtfully, to keep up with family and friends and occasionally post interesting, culturally relevant topics, most of Facebook has turned into a circus of self-worship and…well…idiocy. In the coming days, we will be posting our multi-part analysis of Facebook Idiots.)

“So over this bullshit…” “ What did I do to deserve this?” “At the hospital…”

Ok let me be very clear again if you didn’t get it the first time.  No.  One.  Gives.  A.  Shit.  Are you so pathetic that you are actually going to try to be mysterious in hopes to get attention from people via Facebook?  First of all, the “bullshit” that you’re “over” is probably some inane fight with your mom.  What did you do to “deserve?”  You probably didn’t study and failed a test.  And you’re at the hospital?  You probably have to go pick up your birth control pill.  You are not getting heart surgery, no one died.  Because if they did, you would probably be too sick or too busy with your family and loved ones to be sitting on your ass posting on FB.  And even if you have to vent why the hell are you putting it as a stupid status on FB?  Go drown your misery in alcohol, sex, or Real Housewives marathons like everyone else. 

And I don’t know who’s worse, the person writing the status or the fucking idiots who buy into it and comment on it. “IS EVERYTHING OK??” “ Call me” “I’m here for you” Are they serious? Can they not see right through these statuses???  People who validate you idiots give you attention and just make you post more garbage littering Facebook so that every time I check my eyes burn out of my face and I throw up my last three meals.

[idiotchronicles-blog]

Facebook, Part I: People Who Post Too Many Inane Life Events

(Facebook is like a sieve, that goes through the entire population of which MANY people are idiots, and ends up with a population where MOST people are idiots.  While a handful of people use Facebook thoughtfully, to keep up with family and friends and occasionally post interesting, culturally relevant topics, most of Facebook has turned into a circus of self-worship and...well...idiocy.  In the coming days, we will be posting our multi-part analysis of Facebook Idiots.)

No. One. Gives. A. Shit. If someone actually does care it’s either to make fun of you or gossip about you.  We don’t care that you just put a chicken in the oven for dinner. We don't care that you are going to visit your grandmother today. We know if it’s raining by looking out the window. We know if it’s sunny by looking out the window. We know what ice cream looks like and salad and a muffin and a cappuccino and any other food or drink item there is. We don’t care that your air conditioner broke or that the power is out. And why is the first thing you do post it on Facebook if that is the case?  Doesn’t it waste precious battery on your phone or computer?  Why did Facebook start anyway? Wasn’t it to get connected to other students at the college you were going to attend and to make a network?  Now it’s about showing off and bragging and being fake.

[idiotchronicles-blog]

People Who Complain About How Much Their Wedding Costs...To Their Guests

I get it. Weddings are expensive.  Planning one is stressful and can put a strain on a relationship.  But it’s just crass to complain about how much a wedding costs directly to those invited.  First of all, if you can’t afford that big of a wedding, don’t have one.  If you are fortunate enough to be getting help from family to pay for it, appreciate their help and remember not everyone is in that position.  Remember that in addition to your costs, your friends and family are taking vacation, sacrificing other weekend plans, and spending money to travel and give you a gift.  And don’t you dare tell me how much your wedding costs per plate and expect me to give you a comparable gift because I swear to god I will show up, drink all your alcohol, eat all your food, and leave you a big ass box of nothing.

[idiotchronicles-blog]

People who Talk on Speaker Phone in Public

I have no fucking idea when this became a thing.  When we all had flip phones, I don’t recall seeing people walk around with their flip phones all open and some grainy-ass speaker phone echoing down the aisles of CVS.  Is this a consequence of the improved quality of the smartphone speaker?  Or maybe it is just another sad symptom of the hubris that has taken over society - when we hear our own voices we can’t think about anything else. 

[idiotchronicles-blog]

People who Can’t Drive...but Drive Anyway

We learn colors when we are toddlers. It’s one of the first things we teach kids after ABCs and 123s. So tell me why, as adults, we still have a hard time comprehending that green means GO. Do you know how annoying it is when people can’t drive?  They need to retest people at different ages to repass the test.  And the test needs to be better.  Like who cares how far you need to park from a hydrant? When people see one they say fuck and drive past the spot anyway. So instead, they should ask questions like - “what lane you should be in if you are a slow ass?”  If you say anything other than “I should not be on the road” then you don’t pass.  I get stuck at lights so many times because the cars up ahead are too busy picking their ass or texting their friends and don’t see the light turn green. You can actually push the pedal down to go faster too. Speaking of which, do trucks not have that option? Is there a rule they can only go 30mph?

[idiotchronicles-blog]

People Who Don’t RSVP

This is annoying and rude. When you get an invitation, 90% of the time you already know if you can go or not. And if you don’t feel like going you still know if you are going to feel forced to go anyway. So RSVP . Don’t put it on the counter and wait for someone to die so you have an excuse not to go.  Fill it  out and send it in.  This will prevent people from shit talking you behind your back and prevent the awkward phone call of ‘hello are you coming since the RSVP date was 2 weeks ago in bold lettering on the invite and we haven't heard from you.’ If you feel like putting no, then fuck it, put no and don’t go. Chances are the person sending the invite needs some people to cancel anyway so you’re practically doing them a favor. Just send the damn thing in.

[idiotchronicles-blog]

People Who Start Sentences with "At Least" When Something Bad Happens to You

You know these people, and if you don’t you are probably one of them. It’s like you tell them about a fight you had with your boyfriend and they say “well at least you have a boyfriend”. Or you vent about a stressful day at work and they say “at least you make good money”. You had a miscarriage “well at least you know you can get pregnant” WTF? (and yes, that actually happened to someone I know). It’s like you can’t do anything without them trying to minimize what you are feeling. Maybe they’re just uncomfortable and are trying to find the silver lining to hid their discomfort, but the silver lining is just a black cloud. No one wants to hear it.

[idiotchronicles-blog]

People Who Talk About Their UTI’s

Sex has been, by definition, going on as long as the human race has existed.  Hence, you are not special because you are having sex.  Anyone who is over the age of 16 and has had sex more than once in their life knows that sex, just like everything else in life, sometimes feels great, sometimes feels bad, and sometimes feels just blah.

Sexual activity is a risk factor for UTI’s.  Some women (generally those with a shorter urethra) get them often, and some women could get raw dog gangbanged in a back alley daily and never feel the searing pain between their legs many women are so used to.  Some women in the first category like to “brag” about their UTI in the interest of “bragging” about how much sex they are having.  To which I say, i have had sex with plenty of people, and and never has a whiff of ciprofloxacin passed these lips.  You are not cool.  Get a prescription and shut the fuck up

 .

[idiotchronicles-blog]

People Who Have Too Many Special Requests at a Restaurant

If you are vegan, gluten free, can’t eat anything that’s brown, or anything that goes in your mouth then why the fuck are you going out to a restaurant? The poor waiter is sweating furiously while scribbling down all the special requests you want only to end up coming out with a stalk of celery as it’s the only thing that can accommodate your laundry list of dietary restrictions. Sometimes I wonder if these people secretly go out to eat because they don’t know themselves what to eat and cook so they hope a restaurant can. And then they have the nerve to bitch and moan about every little thing that goes on. It’s embarrassing to be seen with them. They complain while others smile apologetically begging the waiter with their eyes only to spit in that person’s vegetables not ours. My advice?  Don’t go out to eat.  Stay home and watch PETA films.

[idiotchronicles-blog]

People Who Play Their Music Out Loud on Public Transportation

This is mind-boggling.  I have infinite questions for these people.  I am afraid to pose them because they always look like people that could kill me with their bare hands/with the knife in their pockets, so I’ll stick to giving them a passive-agressive bitchface and posing my questions in this forum instead.  Literally even if I like the song they are playing I am so enraged at their hubris that I can’t even enjoy it.

How do you know I want to listen to that on my way to work?

How do you know I want to listen to anything on my way to work?

What if two people on this subway car want to have a conversation?

What if there is a toddler on the train who’s not trying to learn about “that bitch who go balls deep?”

What if someone else wants to play their music out loud?  Who wins?