#idontknowwww

[boviboy]

clair obscur is probably really good but i simply cannot enjoy it because it looks too polished. Sorry. Sorryyyyy

[snoozequest]

dandy partnering up with dyle amd later using him as a way to fill the empty void left after astro and others drifting away from him

[phrygianmodus]

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbS9vXcQ_eY)

[threecirclesofvaryingsizes]

if call me confused because i’m bisexual you’re a biphobic piece of shit

however if you call me confused because i’m wtfromantic you wouldnt be wrong

[thecitykeepsevolving]

So, Tuesday is the 100 day mark until graduation.

WHAT THE FUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKK

[arcadiaxc]

we didn’t talk of it much; at all if possible

so maybe it was the heaviness of the july summer air

that seeped its way into our conversation

  because there was no easy transition

it was not smooth; the words were waters against boulders

crashing and loud, tumultuous, falling out of your

pretty mouth, inevitable. Unavoidable.

  i had forgotten to wrap my wrist that day

and i had spent the first thirty minutes

hands behind back

hoping that you would not notice

but by the end of that half hour

i had forgotten that i had anything to hide

(maybe the point here is that i don’t)

and you had made me laugh at something-or-other

and i just wanted to touch you so badly

(you understand, right?) so i reached out my hand

and we both pretended not to notice

the fading scars

as i quickly shoved it behind my back and reminded myself to never forget

  and later, you were lying down, staring up at me

while i smiled down at you

wondering how it was possible to have so much happiness

and so much sadness in one person

and why i was full to bursting with love and yet

felt nothing but a great big vacancy inside of me

just remember this--emotions are waves: they can drown you

if you let them

  and in your hands were mine.

You traced the jagged lines, rubbed your thumbs over the discolored skin

and you looked up and you asked, such an innocent question

----did it hurt?--------

and i sat stunned into silence because everyone else who knew never asked

so bluntly

though i suspect it was more out of propriety and embarrassment (but whose pride were they saving?)

than any lack of genuine curiosity

But i just shook my head and smiled some more

“no.”

and you must have seen the sadness in my eyes because you let the topic drop

  if nothing else, i guess you deserve the truth by now:

  and oh, it hurt. but see, that was the point of it all:

to hurt

to know that i could hurt still.

because at that point, i was unsure if i were still alive

and almost as uncertain as to how i felt about the fact that the answer was yes

  i felt like smoke--but no, that’s not right

because smoke rises and i was falling, crumpling to the ground.

waiting for the earth to swallow me whole

maybe ashes and dust, then.

all matter but no substance

i just wanted to want to exist

  so i would stand in the shower, water running down my body

washing it all away. but never those thoughts. Those stayed.

holding a pair of scissors in my right hand

and pressing down as hard as i could

until my skin was as exposed, as raw, as vulnerable

as i was

and i would watch the blood run down into the drain

down the sides of the walls

down my wrist and i would

wonder how it was that i was still breathing

hating the fact that, day after day, i would wonder

--am i really still alive?---

and finding out that the answer was yes

  yes, yes , yes

yes, it hurt. but waking up each day and realizing that

there was another 24 hours to live through

hurt so much worse

  and you know, some days i couldn’t even get out of bed

for fear of facing the day

i would lie there, eyes squeezed painfully shut

sending a prayer up to the heavens above

--if i should die before i wake--

and unable to finish the rest because that was the extent of my prayer

  How could i explain that to you ?

the physical pain was a blessing, a relief, a release of everything i felt

and i figured out that if you pressed hard enough, it eventually became numb

But that was the worst part: realizing that i was as empty and torn on the outside

as i was on the inside

  and with the thoughts in my mind, my body became my battlefield

collateral for the need to feel something.

  so my wrist was an etch a sketch

and well, i never was a good artist.

  ---did it hurt?---

Well, my dear, what did you mean?

I could think of a variety of actions that could replace that ambiguous pronoun

and maybe we could pretend like you had never asked such a stupidly innocent question

and forced me to confront everything

i had been running from

because you can forget the past but you can never erase it

  So I did the next best thing: said no, looked away.

and we never spoke of it again

  but i wanted to tell you that

it hurt

so much

and i hurt

so much

  I had a chance, you know. At that moment. To open up

and tell you

  and i couldn’t

because all of you, you just let me down

because eventually, you forget

that i don’t just feel like this once a week, or once a month, or once a year

i do this every single day

  but i don’t blame you for forgetting

i just wish you could teach me how to, too.

[shleepish]

my mom asked me where i wanted to move to during this summer.

i hesitated.

tbh, i'm sick of virginia. i'm happy i have amazing friends here, and i truly don't want to leave them, but i keep putting my mind elsewhere. like i just wish i could take them all with me in my luggage and just go wherever i wanted to. 

they're the only big reason why i want to stay. but i know my mom isn't happy here, and i don't want it to be all about me in this decision. 

:T it's tough. she said either california, massachusetts, florida, or stay. initially in my head, i chose stay, but then i reconsidered when i looked at her. starting over in a new state will be hard. this would be my 8th year living in virginia. and senior year is so near. transferring out of state is gonna be a drag. then i'll be the "new kid" for a while, then graduate to some unfamiliar place i wouldn't even consider calling "my school".

on the other hand, if we stay, my mom will be as miserable as ever. she's been way depressed and alone, and just all these other frustrating factors that she has to deal with everyday. if we moved to massachusetts, we'd be closer to family, and grandpa doesnt have to be far away from grandma anymore. and i can visit my cousins whenever instead of waiting like every 5 months or sumthin.  

she said if worst comes to worst, we'll have to move to florida because there's a house my dad's sister bought there, and she wouldn't mind us living there. (i don't know why she bought it though...she just..likes buying houses)

i don't know what to do @_@