What do borderlines go through?
What do borderlines go through? - On The Borderline - Quora
Debi Mann
·
February 7, 2018
Studied at University of Life
As someone with Borderline, I can honestly tell you, that we go through the most unimaginable hell emotionally, and then in turn, mentally, that one would struggle to believe this.
Our entire bodies hurt all the time. It’s like there’s a knife being pushed through our hearts, and it never goes away. It’s like being left by your partner, whom you adore. That horrible, painful feeling of emptiness, and a knife going through your heart, is the same feeling. Nothing takes it away. Some anti depressents, and mood stabilisers work, but that pain stays. Borderlines are constantly second guessing ourselves. ‘Did I say the wrong thing?’ or, ‘what did I say that made that person upset?’ (when that person isn’t upset, but we feel so worthless, we believe we’ve upset the world). We love deeply, and when not loved back, or we think we’re not being loved back, we break. Our hearts feel constantly broken.
We often feel like we don’t belong in this world. Like some giant mistake was made, and we’re not supposed to be here. We watch others going about their lives, fairly normally, although we don’t know what ‘normal’ is, but they seem to be happy, or at least content, and we wish, we pray with all of our being, that we could be like them. Just one day, of no heart wrenching agony. Not feeling as though we’re messing up all the time. Stop apologising for everything all the time. Taking the blame for other’s pain and so on.
We struggle to understand when others are angry, because we don’t intend to hurt anyone. I say this with truth. Not for any sort of ‘get out of jail free’ card. We truly do not mean to hurt a soul, and yet, we do. We open our mouths, and not thinking, can say hurtful things, only to feel mortified by what we’ve said, once we realise that we’ve hurt, not helped someone else. The problem always with anything in life, is that you cannot take some things you do or say, back.
Borderlines also have an uncanny way of actually feeling the emotional pain of others. We’re often referred to as ‘empaths’. We have so much empathy, and yet, often show this in the wrong way!
We also live in terror of being alone. Absolute terror! We plan as to what we’re going to do WHEN WE ARE LEFT ALONE, before any such thing has even happened. We try and work out a strategy for how to cope when everyone leaves us, believing this is an inevitable thing that’s going to happen, even if not true, and when we struggle to find a solution, we panic.
I don’t know what else to really say here, except that a person who suffers with Borderline disorder, lives with a broken mind, that flames with constant demons, that live in our psyche, and even though they cannot hurt us, we aren’t convinced. We’ve been likened to burn victims. Sensitive and in searing pain, all over, all the time. Then of course there’s the depression…oh boy. It’s a horrible, nasty, difficult illness to have, and one which many therapists won’t treat. It’s just too complex and we are too tiring for them and I guess for others too.
I hope this isn’t too gloomy, but it’s a truth I live with, as a person who suffers with Borderline