#ifyitms

[cominguproses13x]

I just posted the last chapter of IFYITMS! For anyone who was waiting until it was completed to read it, the entire monster is up there for the world to see.

Thank you if you have read it! It’s been a chunk of my life for a while and it’s bittersweet to say goodbye to it.

I haven’t really got much else to say. I must’ve capped out at 600k words 😂

[pineapplebellarke]

Do you ever just, read up to and through chapter 19 of I’ll Find You In The Morning Sun on ao3 by @cominguproses13x and now I’ve literally been sitting here for five minutes appalled and just thinking okay... that did not just happen. There’s fourty more chapters to this story and I’m sitting here stuck. All I can say is wow.. but it’s going to take me a bit of time to continue on after that. That was the most moving scene I’ve read in fanfic, hell that I’ve ever read ever tbh. Congratulations and I’m surprised I’m even able to put together words right now.. go read it if you haven’t

[cominguproses13x]

It’s been 92 days since you’ve posted on tumblr but only 3 days since I’ve found your fic. Having spent 3 days absolutely screwing up my sleep schedule because I’m addicted to ifyitms I found it necessary to let you know how amazing it was and how disappointed I was that you didn’t have more fics! I hope you’re doing well and I hope you get back to writing. PS: I would love to see an Echo prequel/back story!

Thank you so much! I can’t believe it’s been that long! I think it’s a lot because my meet me there’s have become slightly more personal in the sense that I’m majorly paranoid they’ll become identifiable.

I’m glad you enjoyed the story! I think the reason that I don’t have anything else up there is because I’d never want to leave a work unfinished. I knew all along that I would finish IFYITMS if it killed me and I knew all along how I would end it (regardless of the dozens of people that said I got ‘lost’ along the way lol). I was writing it for six months before I even thought about posting it- a lot of the stuff I wrote in those six months was scrapped but still...

I only want to work on something that I’m genuinely excited to put as much time into as I would have to. I used to look forward to writing ifyitms, it’d be one of the best parts of the day. Sometimes the only part of my day- lockdown amirite.

I’ve recently started writing something else in the same way I started ifyitms, which might mean it’s something that becomes worth it. However there are loads of issues with it- firstly it’s not Bellarke, it’s Merthur. Secondly I’m concerned I’ll be too heavily influenced by Loaded March which I’ve read so much it might as well be canon to me by now.

Anyway, I think this is just one big self indulgent rant because I miss talking about ifyitms and thinking about it in general. Thank you for taking the time to let me know! The echo prequel sounds intriguing! I think it’d take a lot of brainstorming because I don’t know if I’ve ever truly connected to her.

If anyone else wanted to take a stab at it then I’d LOVE to see it. I read somewhere the other day that someone has started writing ifyitms fanfiction which is just beyond me lol.

Sorry about the sleep schedule!

My messages are always open even if I’m god awful at replying!

-Em x

[cominguproses13x]

Today’s Thoughts:

I really really appreciate anyone who has shared what they think, be it anonymously or publicly. All opinions have helped, and I am going to try to find the time to respond to each one.

I just thought I’d clear some things up, because I was quite overwhelmed last night and chaotic.

I never considered changing the actual ending of the story. It is all written and it won’t be changed. I’m happy with it as a story.

If the story wasn’t already finished, I don’t think I would have found the motivation to finish it now. I am so fucking glad that the last sentence was written before this started.

The reason I am so hesitant about posting it all at once is, honestly, I like reading what people thought of each chapter. Each one is over 10k so it really is helpful to hear what people took from it and it’s a really fulfilling part of it. I’ve always said, writing the story was for me. Publicising it was for other people. I don’t get a lot out of it- comments are perhaps the only thing I like about that part of the experience. Even the critical comments, they give me a lot as a writer. That’s why I said I very selfishly don’t want to release it all. It’d be so much content and I’d get very little feedback for it. Again, I don’t particularly mind what feedback that is. I just don’t like seeing the hit count go up and having radio silence once my work is out there. It makes me feel dirty and like the effort was for nothing. Maybe even used? I don’t know. Again, I’m very probably a narcissist. 

As a reader, I never used to tell the writer what I thought. But it’s so so important in terms of interaction between reader and writer. Otherwise how will we know if what we have produced is a story worth telling at all y’know?

Some have suggested I release the story and then delete it. And I get that. I do. But I think that would be a horrible thing for me personally. To see all of that time and effort be consumed and then put in the trash, hidden, something to be ashamed of. I don’t know, I think that would just make me feel worse about it all. Again, personal opinion.

Some have said make it private, only let some people read it. But again, that removes the discourse, the feedback.

Fanfiction is free and I really believe it should be. Like it’s very mediocre writing, why the fuck should I gain financially off the backs of many others? But that is not to say that content should just be freely consumed without any recognition or acknowledgement of the creators. I want people to talk to me about what they think. I want the fucking discourse. People like @logicaldaydream and @jasperjoordan and the users who regularly comment on each chapter (eg randombellarke, @fearingdark, @wolfheartgirl​ etc- literally don’t think I don’t read them every time and cherish them) are the ones who have kept me committed to publishing it (Not writing it. I have kept me committed to writing it. A distinction worth making.)

The sad truth is, I can’t engage with my story in the way that I did before. I am staying quite neutral on the drama and even I still can’t look at Bob the same way. I can’t look at Bellamy the same way. That’s a personal perspective, I know many do not struggle with the separation but I have. If I could choose not to, I would.

I’ve considered rewriting with OCs. But in reality, this story is too mediocre to have any success as it’s own book. It’s a fanfiction. It relies on familiar relationships and preestablished connections to characters. Some might say it doesn’t, but honestly, it does. I know some fan fictions can be successfully altered in that way but I do not believe mine can.

At the end of the day, I’m fucking angry. I put time into putting characters I loved into a world I created and those faces have been marred forever by this. Whether the allegations are true or false, I’ll always remember this experience when I reflect on the Bellarke fan base.

And I’m not going to let this ruin the story I was telling.

What sucks is I doubt anyone else will bother to start reading it, and I doubt many will bother to continue. I know I for sure wouldn’t want to. Really I would not blame anyone for ditching this fic, at all.

But these last few chapters deserve to be up there with the rest of them.

Fuck Beliza. Fuck the entire community for making their personal lives our issue. Fuck the 100 and it’s problematic crew.

I’ll be posting chapters every couple of days from now on. Please read them if you ever enjoyed the story. Please comment and tell me what you thought of each because I don’t want this story to be made into a weird thing to be ashamed of, only to be read in the middle of the night when no one is looking, dirty secret kind of thing.

I am not responsible for the actions of Beliza/Arryn and I am fuming that my story feels tainted to me now because of them.

If this is just as messy and self-indulgent as the last post, I apologize. What I’m trying to say is, I’m selfishly disappointed that my story is going to lose a wide part of its readership, that the chapters I am most proud of are going to go either ignored and forgotten about or read and consumed without any interaction (kudos/comments) because people don’t know how to interact in this fandom now, myself included. Again, I do not blame that at all. I feel it very strongly myself.

I’m a working cog in a broken machine and I feel wasted. I think many content creators are now being wasted. Bellarke was the main inspiration for many of us and I’m not even that deeply affected by the allegations because I know that Beliza are not Bellarke. I’m more deeply affected by the current state of the 100 community. 

I think that’s all I have to say for now. I am bitterly sorry about what’s happened. 

Ending this story will be a good way to say goodbye for me, and I hope in a year or two when the show develops new audiences, my story won’t be tainted for them, like it is for the ones here currently.

If this has seemed pretentious, obnoxious, overly self-indulgent, I am not intending to sound that way. I just wanted to vocalize my attitudes to clear it up for myself to be honest.

- Em x

[pineapplebellarke]

PineappleBellarke’s Hiatus Fic Rec

Just thought I’d do a fic rec for anyone who is interested! All of these are on ao3 and complete and all of them I have read and loved! (In no particular order)

I’ll Find You in the Morning Sun by @cominguproses13x (Currently still reading this one but it is fucking amazing and has to be on here)

Soul Fate Determination by LaughingSenselessly ( @wellsjahasghost​ )

The Naked Truth by mad_magic ( @kombellarke )

How You Stay Alive by LaughingSenselessly ( @wellsjahasghost )

The Graduation Pact by @burninghoneyatdusk

All three complete fics by April7739 ( @candybellarke )

If you’re looking for smutty, anything by arysa13 ( @arysafics ) or  @asroarke or bilexualclarke ( @valkyrhys )

If I missed any it’s because I read them a long time ago before I had my ao3 account and don’t have them bookmarked, but I think this pretty much covers the big ones. Happy Reading!

[cominguproses13x]

A statement about the future of I’ll Find You in the Morning Sun

Jesus this might be such a narcissistic post and I might get yelled at for thinking about IFYMS right now but I am thinking about it.

Because quite honestly? I gave up on the show a long time ago and I gave up on the actors/crew a long time ago too. Once I finished with IFYMS (and any prompts) I was completely happy to distance myself from the 100 fandom. It’s the most toxic one I’ve ever seen and it makes me feel sick sometimes.

I have put hours and hours and hours of work into IFYMS. So fucking long. As have many other writers I understand. But this story rooted itself so deeply into my heart, and I hate it 80% of the time but it’s still a part of me.

It’s the first writing project I’ve ever really pursued as more than just an idea. And I have grown so much as a writer just from this story- seriously read chapter one and then read chapter 52 (or the last one because that one is probably the most well written if it comes out). I’m not saying I’m good. I’m just saying this story helped me to learn and evolve and fucking grow up in terms of writing.

Like I’ve said recently, I have already given up on canon Bellarke. Even if they were to get together now it wouldn’t be what I saw in the first half of the story.

And the characters in IFYMS I’ve worked so hard on them, they are the characters I’m taking away from the 100.

So now I’m left feeling very empty.

Not just because of what has been released. But also because of the behaviour of the people in this fandom. It has become so militant, this take our side or rot in hell attitude and I’m not saying everyone has it but it is loud enough to take dominance.

I’m disappointed to see the creativity get leeched out in this way.

So I’m stuck right now.

Because I want my story to have the ending it does. I want my story to have the readership that it does. I want my story to have integrity and be clean of the toxicity woven between the strands of this fandom.

Part of me is tempted to rewrite it with OCs and release it somewhere else for free. Part of me is tempted to take it down entirely. I feel like finishing it in the way that I was planning to would tarnish the entire experience.

I am not defending Bob. I am not engaging in the taking of sides because I’ve seen this play out so many times, where people just hop between the two every week until careers are destroyed and souls are crushed.

Their personal lives are not our commodity.

This entire issue, I feel, should not have been dealt with publicly. It’s serious and has real repercussions no matter what.

And I feel this entire situation has contaminated my ability to tell the story I wanted to tell with the characters I wanted to tell it with. I understand the whole separating the actors from the characters and the difference between fiction and non fiction. I do. But I hate knowing that some of the people who are engaging with the story are ones who are also sending death threats and are abusing platforms that should never be intended to be used negatively, and should definitely never be used to censor opinions and discourse, which really is what I’m seeing atm.

I am devastated. I am fucking devastated.

I don’t want people to read my story and then feel ashamed because of the characters they’re picturing.

So I’m posting this rant because I don’t have a fucking clue what to do.

I really don’t.

I considered tonight, just posting the rest of it all and leaving it there forgotten, but I very selfishly don’t want to do that. I also feel like the time and effort that has gone into it has warranted more than that.

If you have an opinion on what I should do with the story, share it.

It doesn’t feel as simple to me as just keep posting and pretend like this entire fandom isn’t fractured and falling apart. Even if the fic is a minor thing to literally everyone else, it isn’t to me. And I refuse to pretend it is. It is my only remaining attachment to the entire fandom and it is representative of so much. 

I don’t hate Bob Morley. (I quite honestly never particularly liked him. He never seemed like someone I would get on with if we met in a bar, but I never had anything against him.) And I don’t want to feel guilty because of that. But I do. And I hate that.

Edit: I’d also like to add that I’m fucking angry. Because this has negatively impacted my view of my own fucking work and I’ll never lose that. The entire IFYMS experience has been weakened, and I’m infuriated.

If anyone can give this a signal boost to let other readers know I’d really appreciate that.

It’d really help if I could get some advice on this. I think I’ve made it pretty clear how lost I’m feeling.

Seriously any and all opinions welcome. Even if it’s just a “shut the fuck up and stop being petty”- I probably need to hear it.

[cominguproses13x]

Hiya! I’ve been really really realllyyyy absent lately. I’ve got a ton of messages and comments and all sorts since finishing IFYITMS and I just wanted to let you know that I have seen them and I adore them and I Will reply to you all at some point. I’m just really focused on other things at the minute and I’ve loved logging off for a while.

Also, I realised quite late in the game that there are some new fan work awards going on, can’t remember the exact name but I was tagged as a nomination. I think it’s very sweet to be nominated next to some people I really respect and admire (specifically @burninghoneyatdusk @marauders-groupie @asroarke @captaindaddykru) so whoever did that, thank you 💙.

IFYITMS continues to hold a special place in my heart and I hope the ending was good enough for the people who held it close too! X

[loveportfolio]

Clarke dies with Bellamy’s mouth on hers. Not kissing. No kissing. But his mouth is on hers, he’s crying into her horrendously, and panting into her, desperate. And she dies.