#ifyms

[cominguproses13x]

Today’s Thoughts:

I really really appreciate anyone who has shared what they think, be it anonymously or publicly. All opinions have helped, and I am going to try to find the time to respond to each one.

I just thought I’d clear some things up, because I was quite overwhelmed last night and chaotic.

I never considered changing the actual ending of the story. It is all written and it won’t be changed. I’m happy with it as a story.

If the story wasn’t already finished, I don’t think I would have found the motivation to finish it now. I am so fucking glad that the last sentence was written before this started.

The reason I am so hesitant about posting it all at once is, honestly, I like reading what people thought of each chapter. Each one is over 10k so it really is helpful to hear what people took from it and it’s a really fulfilling part of it. I’ve always said, writing the story was for me. Publicising it was for other people. I don’t get a lot out of it- comments are perhaps the only thing I like about that part of the experience. Even the critical comments, they give me a lot as a writer. That’s why I said I very selfishly don’t want to release it all. It’d be so much content and I’d get very little feedback for it. Again, I don’t particularly mind what feedback that is. I just don’t like seeing the hit count go up and having radio silence once my work is out there. It makes me feel dirty and like the effort was for nothing. Maybe even used? I don’t know. Again, I’m very probably a narcissist. 

As a reader, I never used to tell the writer what I thought. But it’s so so important in terms of interaction between reader and writer. Otherwise how will we know if what we have produced is a story worth telling at all y’know?

Some have suggested I release the story and then delete it. And I get that. I do. But I think that would be a horrible thing for me personally. To see all of that time and effort be consumed and then put in the trash, hidden, something to be ashamed of. I don’t know, I think that would just make me feel worse about it all. Again, personal opinion.

Some have said make it private, only let some people read it. But again, that removes the discourse, the feedback.

Fanfiction is free and I really believe it should be. Like it’s very mediocre writing, why the fuck should I gain financially off the backs of many others? But that is not to say that content should just be freely consumed without any recognition or acknowledgement of the creators. I want people to talk to me about what they think. I want the fucking discourse. People like @logicaldaydream and @jasperjoordan and the users who regularly comment on each chapter (eg randombellarke, @fearingdark, @wolfheartgirl​ etc- literally don’t think I don’t read them every time and cherish them) are the ones who have kept me committed to publishing it (Not writing it. I have kept me committed to writing it. A distinction worth making.)

The sad truth is, I can’t engage with my story in the way that I did before. I am staying quite neutral on the drama and even I still can’t look at Bob the same way. I can’t look at Bellamy the same way. That’s a personal perspective, I know many do not struggle with the separation but I have. If I could choose not to, I would.

I’ve considered rewriting with OCs. But in reality, this story is too mediocre to have any success as it’s own book. It’s a fanfiction. It relies on familiar relationships and preestablished connections to characters. Some might say it doesn’t, but honestly, it does. I know some fan fictions can be successfully altered in that way but I do not believe mine can.

At the end of the day, I’m fucking angry. I put time into putting characters I loved into a world I created and those faces have been marred forever by this. Whether the allegations are true or false, I’ll always remember this experience when I reflect on the Bellarke fan base.

And I’m not going to let this ruin the story I was telling.

What sucks is I doubt anyone else will bother to start reading it, and I doubt many will bother to continue. I know I for sure wouldn’t want to. Really I would not blame anyone for ditching this fic, at all.

But these last few chapters deserve to be up there with the rest of them.

Fuck Beliza. Fuck the entire community for making their personal lives our issue. Fuck the 100 and it’s problematic crew.

I’ll be posting chapters every couple of days from now on. Please read them if you ever enjoyed the story. Please comment and tell me what you thought of each because I don’t want this story to be made into a weird thing to be ashamed of, only to be read in the middle of the night when no one is looking, dirty secret kind of thing.

I am not responsible for the actions of Beliza/Arryn and I am fuming that my story feels tainted to me now because of them.

If this is just as messy and self-indulgent as the last post, I apologize. What I’m trying to say is, I’m selfishly disappointed that my story is going to lose a wide part of its readership, that the chapters I am most proud of are going to go either ignored and forgotten about or read and consumed without any interaction (kudos/comments) because people don’t know how to interact in this fandom now, myself included. Again, I do not blame that at all. I feel it very strongly myself.

I’m a working cog in a broken machine and I feel wasted. I think many content creators are now being wasted. Bellarke was the main inspiration for many of us and I’m not even that deeply affected by the allegations because I know that Beliza are not Bellarke. I’m more deeply affected by the current state of the 100 community. 

I think that’s all I have to say for now. I am bitterly sorry about what’s happened. 

Ending this story will be a good way to say goodbye for me, and I hope in a year or two when the show develops new audiences, my story won’t be tainted for them, like it is for the ones here currently.

If this has seemed pretentious, obnoxious, overly self-indulgent, I am not intending to sound that way. I just wanted to vocalize my attitudes to clear it up for myself to be honest.

- Em x

[cominguproses13x]

A statement about the future of I’ll Find You in the Morning Sun

Jesus this might be such a narcissistic post and I might get yelled at for thinking about IFYMS right now but I am thinking about it.

Because quite honestly? I gave up on the show a long time ago and I gave up on the actors/crew a long time ago too. Once I finished with IFYMS (and any prompts) I was completely happy to distance myself from the 100 fandom. It’s the most toxic one I’ve ever seen and it makes me feel sick sometimes.

I have put hours and hours and hours of work into IFYMS. So fucking long. As have many other writers I understand. But this story rooted itself so deeply into my heart, and I hate it 80% of the time but it’s still a part of me.

It’s the first writing project I’ve ever really pursued as more than just an idea. And I have grown so much as a writer just from this story- seriously read chapter one and then read chapter 52 (or the last one because that one is probably the most well written if it comes out). I’m not saying I’m good. I’m just saying this story helped me to learn and evolve and fucking grow up in terms of writing.

Like I’ve said recently, I have already given up on canon Bellarke. Even if they were to get together now it wouldn’t be what I saw in the first half of the story.

And the characters in IFYMS I’ve worked so hard on them, they are the characters I’m taking away from the 100.

So now I’m left feeling very empty.

Not just because of what has been released. But also because of the behaviour of the people in this fandom. It has become so militant, this take our side or rot in hell attitude and I’m not saying everyone has it but it is loud enough to take dominance.

I’m disappointed to see the creativity get leeched out in this way.

So I’m stuck right now.

Because I want my story to have the ending it does. I want my story to have the readership that it does. I want my story to have integrity and be clean of the toxicity woven between the strands of this fandom.

Part of me is tempted to rewrite it with OCs and release it somewhere else for free. Part of me is tempted to take it down entirely. I feel like finishing it in the way that I was planning to would tarnish the entire experience.

I am not defending Bob. I am not engaging in the taking of sides because I’ve seen this play out so many times, where people just hop between the two every week until careers are destroyed and souls are crushed.

Their personal lives are not our commodity.

This entire issue, I feel, should not have been dealt with publicly. It’s serious and has real repercussions no matter what.

And I feel this entire situation has contaminated my ability to tell the story I wanted to tell with the characters I wanted to tell it with. I understand the whole separating the actors from the characters and the difference between fiction and non fiction. I do. But I hate knowing that some of the people who are engaging with the story are ones who are also sending death threats and are abusing platforms that should never be intended to be used negatively, and should definitely never be used to censor opinions and discourse, which really is what I’m seeing atm.

I am devastated. I am fucking devastated.

I don’t want people to read my story and then feel ashamed because of the characters they’re picturing.

So I’m posting this rant because I don’t have a fucking clue what to do.

I really don’t.

I considered tonight, just posting the rest of it all and leaving it there forgotten, but I very selfishly don’t want to do that. I also feel like the time and effort that has gone into it has warranted more than that.

If you have an opinion on what I should do with the story, share it.

It doesn’t feel as simple to me as just keep posting and pretend like this entire fandom isn’t fractured and falling apart. Even if the fic is a minor thing to literally everyone else, it isn’t to me. And I refuse to pretend it is. It is my only remaining attachment to the entire fandom and it is representative of so much. 

I don’t hate Bob Morley. (I quite honestly never particularly liked him. He never seemed like someone I would get on with if we met in a bar, but I never had anything against him.) And I don’t want to feel guilty because of that. But I do. And I hate that.

Edit: I’d also like to add that I’m fucking angry. Because this has negatively impacted my view of my own fucking work and I’ll never lose that. The entire IFYMS experience has been weakened, and I’m infuriated.

If anyone can give this a signal boost to let other readers know I’d really appreciate that.

It’d really help if I could get some advice on this. I think I’ve made it pretty clear how lost I’m feeling.

Seriously any and all opinions welcome. Even if it’s just a “shut the fuck up and stop being petty”- I probably need to hear it.

[cominguproses13x]

They told me stars were bigger than they looked,

Told me trying to hold one would be impossible,

And little did they know,

I’d already held you.

I hold you,

And I can hold anything.

When they told me that I don’t know love,

They lied.

I know love like I know my hand.

I know my hand like I know my name.

I know my name

Because I’ve given it to you

A thousand times over.

Wrote it out in moon dust

Because my pen ran dry.

You can read moon dust.

Of course you can.

Moon dust lives within your eyes

[cominguproses13x]

This isn’t a plug- this is me being insanely relieved that I finally fucking finished writing I’ll Find You in the Morning Sun. I fucking did it. The story peaked 600,000 words- I know thats repulsive to a lot of people. It’s slightly repulsive to me. But yeah. I need a drink. I’m exhausted. I’m emotional. I’m terrified that people will find the ending underwhelming. I can’t believe it’s over. Like what do I fucking do now? If you can’t tell, I’m freaking out.

Again, not a plug, just an exorcism of the year and a half of pent up waiting and working and writing.

[cominguproses13x]

So I’ll Find You in the Morning Sun is on 999 Kudos. I don’t know if that’s a lot or nothing relative to the site itself, but since it’s my national emergency number, and my first story, I figured this calls for a personal meltdown.

Just... thank you to anyone reading it. For me, it’s a super self indulgent hobby to be posting a fanfiction online, and the kindness you’re giving distracts me from how pathetic I am to be writing a 550k word story.

Seriously thank you. Thank you times 999.

Here’s the mood board I finally got around to making for this fic-

[cominguproses13x]

BFSN #1

Not a clue what time it is there, when the show’s actually on or who has been tagged already or whatever... I’ve never done BFSN and probably won’t ever put a picture of myself up on this blog BUT I love the trend and I got tagged by someone I really respect last week so I thought I’d join in!

I do these things called ‘Lighter Notes’ which means after every lighter I use, I write a little thing on them and put them in a drawer. I have over 100 and the majority were nicked from parties etc but they’re quite fun to look back through. No dates, no explanations, just little expressions. Anyway, that’s what this picture is. It’s a random lighter note.

Anyway, I’m going to spend season seven rereading Loaded March because that’s my love story of love stories and BAMF Merlin is the only thing keeping me going rn.

Three and a half more chapters of IFYMS to write and then I’m done. Done. Done. A thousand times done. I figured it out and I reckon the last chapter will be posted around the time of the season 7 finale which is a lucky coincidence.

Trying to think of anymore updates... I’ll probably keep bitching about wasted Bellarke and thirsting over Colin Morgan. Nothing new.

If I tagged you and you don’t want to be tagged, just let me know and I won’t do it again :). It’s nice to see the fandom alive again, even if it is just to have a big virtual mob against JR.

Thanks @burninghoneyatdusk for tagging me. I’ve said it a thousand times and I’ll say it a thousand times more, you’re wicked and I can’t wait to get caught up on your stories!

Tagging: @jasperjoordan @still-watching @wolfheartgirl @marauders-groupie @iwearplaids @fearingdark @charmainediyoza @pendragaryen @kombellarke @iishallbelieve @cedarsandpines @shaeheda (just a mix of people whose content I adore and whose encouragements have been ☺️)

(This is literally me watching and enjoying all the drama again, because it makes me ranting about literally nothing slightly more appropriate- not just because my name is Elmo)

[cominguproses13x]

Reading chapter 59 and crying. Nothing new. I started 60 today, 2500 words in, I can’t figure out if I’m finding writing the ending so hard because it’s genuinely hard or because I don’t want to let the stupid story go. I’ve been writing it for a year and a half now, and I probably won’t ever do a project this big again so... yeah somber moods all round. 59 is definitely some of the best work of the story though, along with 55 and 57. Ughhhhhh

[cominguproses13x]

I love your story so much, you are an incredible writer! Would you ever consider doing one shots in the universe in the future? Like bellamy and Clarke as parents/ their wedding etc etc

Choked. Choked again. Okay now I’m ready to respond.

I really thought that once I finished writing the damn thing, I’d be fucking relieved to be done with it. It’s been a few weeks since I wrote the last chapter, and now that I’ve had a breather, a breather I haven’t had since I started it, I do miss it. I miss those characters and those relationships.

So yeah, I would definitely, definitely consider it. I’d never say no flat out. It’s hard to talk about the ending without spoiling it, but I do think there’s potential for more moments to be explored properly, for more dynamics to be examined.

It’d probably take some prompting. Like if people want to see a specific moment/scene, I won’t know until someone tells me lol. And if I’m asked to write about something that I just don’t see happening in that way or at all then no, because the integrity of IFYMS as a complete story comes first. But yes. Even writing 59/60 I was like wow I could write thousands of words about moments that have had to just be glossed over.

I also know there are scenes from the plot itself that some people would have liked to have seen e.g. the Wells/Bellamy fight which is actually written I just never got around to putting it in. I wrote it so that I could better understand mentalities and how to portray them. Anyway I digress.

Yes. I’d be very much open to it. I’d love to be asked to write for this universe in the future as I feel there is plenty more to be fleshed out. I just drew the line at pushing the plot past 600k. I’d probably also be willing to write for other relationships in that universe- but yeah, I’m trying to avoid spoilers :)

Hope this was alright :)))))