I’ve been MIA, from social media. Everything is queued because my life has not been. I personally don’t know anyone but a few people on here and I am not open with my recent diagnoses and I am in it on my own, so here I am. This is also the most provocative thing I’ve posted on social media. Haha October 3, was my suicide attempt. Three years ago. Most days I wish I would’ve gone that day still to this day. It would’ve saved a lot of pain, but I would’ve sadly missed out on the love I’ve created and had. Including the kids in my life. Saved a lot of disappointment. I’ve been seeing a counselor for almost two years, and since then my life has gone in a spiral digging up past truamas that I grew to block out even after discussion. We thought for a while I had an eating disorder. Learning a few months ago, I’m not crazy. I am OCD (mainly with my thoughts), Bi polar type 2, borderline personality, severe anxiety, depression, and PTSD from an ex girlfriend (BD) and specific family members. I was on and off with my medications because IT DIDNT WORK. I felt crazy, it didn’t work because they were not for what was wrong. Not because I was on and off with them. Everyone made me feel crazy and wrong. When I needed someone there to help me help myself and love me for me. It’s crazy how many people will leave, when you need them the most. I always thought people were suppose to love you through the dark times, be your light. But I’ve lost friends, relationships, family and myself. I guess some things some people can’t handle and that’s okay. One day on these brighter days I hope to find the happiness I have lost. It blows my mind, how un-noticed it goes, even by my self and those around me. So many people will never remember who I was before this monster took over my complete mind, to them I will always be the bad person, toxic, and never see the good. But I have learned to love myself for those who couldn’t. It’s a bitch to still struggle everyday and act like not a thing is bothering me. But I am getting there and I’ve came so so so far. Mental health IS A BITCH. But it’s my bitch. Whenever I want to go, I find something to fall more in love with life to stay. It’s not that I want to die, I just want this life to stop, and the pain to end, I’ll never give that up.
