[Image description: A screenshot of Janus and Logan from the Sanders Sides video Selfishness vs Selflessness. Janus is standing to the left by the stairs, and Logan is standing to the right and looking at him. A tumblr post by jame7t has been overlayed in front of Janus, which reads "whatever. this is stupid. I'm going to go home and have evil sex with my evil boyfriend" /. End image description]
istg Google Docs, if you try to autocorrect Janus' pronouns to "she" when Remus' kisses his hand one more fucking time I am going to throw a rainbow painted brick through the screen.
Anyways wouldn't it be fucked up if they fell in love with the same guy and instead of shaking hands they ended up waring for the most annoying city boy avaliable.
Warning: Swearing, sexual jokes, Remus-like ideas, mention of tearing one’s heart out of their chest, kissing, Roman is an oblivious dumbass, Virgil is a pining dumbass, and Remus is a dumbass dumbass who loves his dumbass brother
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Summary: Remus and Virgil may not get along but the one thing they have in common is that they love Roman. Both in different ways, mind you, and Remus tries to help Virgil deal with his own affections. It’s definitely interesting to say the least.
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Virgil sat on the back of the couch, watching movies with the rest of the sides and Thomas. Tonight had been Virgil’s pick and of course, The Nightmare Before Christmas was currently on, Sally’s Song playing. He couldn’t help it as he stared at Roman from his little pillow throne, the dork.
“Hey Virgil!” he heard whisper shouted next to his ear.
Virgil shrieked as he fell backwards, landing painfully on the ground behind the couch. He saw Remus looming over him with wide eyes and an excited smile.
“You alright kiddo?” Virgil heard Patton ask as the movie paused.
“Yeah yeah, keep watching, I’m fine!” he insisted quickly before glaring at Remus. “What the fuck do you need?”
“You want my brother to bone you?” Remus whispered excitedly, maybe a bit too much with the words he just spoke.
“What the fuck,” Virgil muttered. “What’s it to you?”
“You’re making goo-goo eyes at him, it’s disgusting. I want to help!”
Virgil rolled his eyes. “We’re not really friends you know. Why would you help me? Why would I accept it in any case?”
“Cause you have the hots for him and I can tell you’re a horny bitch about it too so why not!”
Virgil looked unamused and Remus pouted.
“He’s my brother,” Remus conceded. “Even if he’s sometimes kinda boring, I still want him to be happy and he’s a doofus who can’t see what’s two feet in front of him.”
With a sigh, Virgil looked up at him. “What would you know about romance?”
“I’ll have you know that I take two d’s every night like a good little boy!”
Virgil grimaced at that. “It’s a mystery why Deceit likes you.”
“Yes it is!”
“And again, why would I accept your help?”
“Because you maybe sorta actually still like me like the good old days?”
“No, I still despise you.”
“Eh, fair enough!”
_____
Somehow, Virgil found himself in Remus’ room, sitting on the one clutter-free part of the bed that Remus had cleared off for him. He watched as Remus sat across the room from him, smiling widely.
“Am I supposed to start? I wasn’t even going to tell him, you know,” Virgil said finally.
Remus snorted. “That’s why I’m helping! You’re just gonna fantasize about being his pretty little damsel in distress and boring romance shit like that if I don’t help. And then when I read your diary, it won’t be any fun-!”
Virgil’s head shot up. “You read my journal!?”
“So what better way to get you to stop being sappy and disgusting than by getting you laid?” Remus finished.
Virgil groaned, strongly tempted to hit his head against the wall. He managed to control himself enough to not do so, no easy feat for Remus’ room. “What do you suggest I do?”
“I was hoping you’d ask!” Remus said with a clap of his hands.
“That’s why I agreed to your help dumbass, it’s what you offered.”
“Shush, first idea! You go to his room, lie naked on his bed, and tell him to take you when he comes in!”
Virgil looked at Remus blankly.
“Scream at him to take you right where you stand!”
Still no good based on the look Virgil was sporting at it, even worse as another thought popped into his head.
“No? You could rip your heart out of your chest and give it to him as a symbol of your undying love!”
Remus only received an uncomfortable grimace. Closer but not quite.
“You’re so boring, mutilation and sex are fun!” Remus huffed out.
“I’m not tearing myself open or telling him to fuck me and you know it,” Virgil snapped. “Like, what does he like?”
“Lots of things! Adventure, saving damsels in distress from me, slaying dragon witches—that one’s my favorite, he makes it really gory—sour gummy worms, romance, swords, poetry, ceiling fans, sappy shit a lot of the time!”
“That was all just really random,” Virgil told him.
“Yep, that’s me!” Remus beamed. “But c’mon, it’s not that hard! Just tell him how horny and or sappy he makes you feel and then you can tell him to take you!”
“Alright, I’m leaving now,” Virgil said quickly, standing up.
“Suit yourself!”
“Er..” Virgil paused at the door, looking back to Remus. “Thanks.”
“For what?” Remus asked.
“Nothing, whatever.”
_____
Virgil held a piece of paper in his hand, looking at Remus with an unsure look. “Are you really sure I should do this? What if he doesn’t want to even talk to me anymore? What if he laughs at me!?” he shouted in Remus’ face, clinging to his shirt.
“If he doesn’t like you back, he’s clearly more stupid than I thought,” Remus told him.
Virgil looked at him for a second, blinking. “Wow.. That’s uh, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever-“
“Though to be fair, he’s just stupid in general so that’s not saying much!”
“You ruined it,” Virgil deadpanned, dropping him. He sighed as Remus only cackled on the floor.
“Enough enough,” Remus said, hitting Virgil’s ankle with his hand. “Go show him your disgustingly sappy poem!!”
Virgil took a deep breath and walked down the stairs to where Roman was on the couch, absentmindedly watching a Disney movie as he wrote ideas down on a notepad. Roman looked up to see Virgil holding a piece of lined paper in front of his face.
“What’s this?” Roman asked him, glancing up to see Virgil look away as he took it.
“Just read it before I pass out from embarrassment,” Virgil muttered to him.
Roman opened it up, reading it quietly to himself. He smiled. “It sounds nice, did you want my feedback on it, oh angsty one?” he asked.
Virgil never wanted to disappear more in his life and stupidly nodded, not willing to tell Roman the real reason for it. That was how he ended up sitting next to Roman on the couch, Roman telling him of things he liked about it, the meaning he gathered from it, ways to improve it should Virgil feel it needed to be.
_____
Virgil walked up the stairs in a daze and lied down on the floor in front of Remus. Remus snorted.
“I told ya, he’s dumb!” Remus sang out a little.
“I’m never going to do it, I’m never going to be able to confess to him, I’m going to be miserable for the rest of my life-“
“He’ll fuck you eventually!”
“I hate you.”
“Love you too~!”
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Attempt numbers 2 through 4 had failed miserably too and Virgil was close to giving up as Roman once again missed the point on attempt number 5. Heading towards his room, he grimaced to Remus again and Remus shrugged.
“He’s a dumbass you know, I didn’t think he was this stupid though! That’s usually my job if anything!”
Virgil thought about it for a moment before lighting up. “You’re right!” he shouted before hurrying to his room.
“Well geez, you didn’t have to agree with me,” Remus said but shrugged, sinking out.
_____
Virgil took a deep breath as he opened the front door, seeing Roman sitting on the porch. He held his guitar with a tense smile as Roman turned around and beamed at him.
“Hello my dark and stormy knight, how are you this fine evening?” Roman asked, stunning Virgil for a moment.
“Good, um, can I play something for you?” he asked, motioning to the acoustic guitar weakly.
Roman smiled more and scooted over on the doorstep, following Virgil’s gaze as he sat down.
Virgil gave a quick strum, tuning it a little to make sure it sounded ok. He strummed again, cursing as he dropped his pick.
He wasn’t even sure what he played as his nerves got to him. He knew he was playing, he knew he was singing, he knew that Roman was watching him.
He knew there was no turning back.
“I love you,” he heard himself say over the sound of blood rushing through his ears. It was a miracle it happened.
“Really? You mean that sincerely?” Roman asked.
Virgil only nodded before Roman was holding his chin up, asking his permission to kiss him. Virgil nodded once more and Roman’s lips were on his in seconds.
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“So, need another plan? I think I’ve got a good one this time!” Remus said as Virgil walked into his room.
Virgil sat on Remus’ bed, staring at the ground with probably the dumbest grin on his face. “I told him.”
“Without me? Ah, no fun!” Remus whined. “How’d you do it? Finally took my advice and ask for him to take you? Did he bang you?”
“I just- I just told him, just said I love him.”
“What? Boooooooring!”
Virgil laughed. “You said he couldn’t see what’s two feet in front of him so I just was upfront about it,” he said with a smile.
“Is it too late to go on the record and say this was a mistake? You’re sapping all over my bed!” Remus joked, only to be met with a pillow to the face as Virgil snorted.
“Shut up, God!!”
_____
“You’re welcome you know,” Remus grinned as he passed Roman in the hallway the next day.
