in between. (drabble series)
chapter five (comfort.)
cheshire!sans x gender neutral reader. 3k+ word count.
please be advised for themes of addiction, drugs, alcohol, self deprecating thoughts and apathetic feelings.
* it’s time for our dear underlust sans, cheshire, to have his turn! if you’d like to check out more about our resident catboy, feel free to check out his tag here on my tumblr! thank you and i hope you enjoy!
Don't get attached.
That seems like a pretty simple motto to live by, huh?
Well that's because.... it was.
In a world that cared little for anything beyond their momentary value, it was easy to not get attached. Everything changed day by day in this fast paced life. There was always a new video to look at, or a new phone to buy. Always a new trend to jump on or a new topic to talk about. You didn't form attachments to those things, you just used them to pad out your day so you didn't have to think about your meaningless existence, and then you were done with it.
You got rid of it.
Threw it out.
Forgot about it.
It no longer mattered because it no longer entertained you.
There was always something newer and shinier to look at just around the corner anyways, so.. why would you think twice about it?
Things were just.. easier.. when you didn't get attached...
You.. couldn't feel the pain of being let go.. if there was nothing holding you there in the first place.
.....
A shame he had to learn that the hard way, but that was life.
This world treated it's people like a commodity, always being bought and sold for their looks, money or talents.
Anything else was just worthless.
Filler.
Like packing peanuts that belonged in the garbage after you stripped a box of its goods.
Nobody cared how you felt.
Your emotions didn't matter in the slightest.
All that really mattered is that you played your part.
You spoke your empty words.
You did your flashy dance.
..You sold your soul.
..And then.. you'd collect your earnings and leave so you could go and buy the newest phone model you had your eye on.
.....
Emotions were.. well..
...Worthless.
...Just like they always were..
Just like they had been.. back in his own Underground.
Which is why, on that day..
When that realization set into Sans' bones that the surface really was no different..
That it didn't matter what he did..
Or how he felt..
...He swore to himself...
That he'd never get attached.
......
..And that's exactly why...
He could never forgive you.
Because in a world that was ever changing..
Day by day...
And always moving forward...
..How dare you stay the same.
Ah.. dammit!
Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!
It just wasn't fair..!
Just what the hell was wrong with you anyways?
He went to all that stupid trouble to close all those damn doors!
He boarded up every stupid window and stuffed everything shut as tightly as he could!
He gathered up all those loose emotions, tied them with a lock and a chain, and then threw them into the basement to never see the damn light of day again!
He even threw away the damn key to it all and yet...!
..And yet...
Somehow.. someway.. you still..
Weaseled your way right into his soul.
....
It just wasn't fair.
...He hated it.
..Or.. rather.. himself.
Because despite the fact that you were the one who did this, even after his multiple attempts to shove you away.... he could never say he actually hated you.
....
Maybe jokingly but..
No.. he could never actually hate you..
Despite how hard he tried.
You were just so damn.. persistent.
Not even in the annoying way! You were just..! Always there!
Really..
How dare you.. become someone that meant something to him!
How dare become a pillar of support for him to lean on!
How dare you open your arms to him, offering your gentle words and affirmations to him like he deserved them or something, and letting yourself become such a comfort that he actually sought you out now to help mend these pieces of his broken soul.
....
H-how dare you..
...Always be there for him.
Time and time again you were.. just..!
There!
You were always there!
Why were you always there!?
Christ, it's like you really had nothing better to do!
What, was he just your entertainment!?
A cute little show!?
Did you just want a front row seat to how much of a mess he really was because you were that bored!? Is that why you were always there!? Is that why you always picked up the phone when he called, no matter the starsdamned hour of the day? Is that why you were always there... no matter how far it was..? ..Rain or shine.. snow, hail or even when the damn wind was blowing nearly everything off its feet you were..
You were.. always..
....
There.
And that was just so damn unforgivable.
.....
There were times when he wished to himself.. that you had always been there.
...Way before.. he became like this.
Maybe he wouldn't have been such a mess if he had you in the first place but..
Life just wasn't fair, now was it?
He wanted to be angry about it still.
To blame you.
But he couldn't.
Really all he had to blame was himself.
He.. betrayed his own promise.
He had sworn to himself on that day that he'd never get attached.. and yet here he was.. more dependent upon you than he had been for anyone else in his life.
..Even to his own brother.. who had really seen him at some real bad lows.
But you..
You saw him at rock bottom.. and yet..
...You were still here...
.....
Really, you were by all accounts, an anomaly.
An outlier.
Someone who shouldn't be counted with the rest, because unlike the usual scum of this city.. you were...
Well you certainly weren't a ray of sunshine, that's for sure.
A little stoic and kinda stone faced, which probably worked to your benefit because people seemed to shy away from asking things of you, but..
You were.. different.
Despite the fact that you grew up here in Ebott, a vile city filled to the brim with criminals and thieves who ate people up for breakfast and then spat them out before lunch.. you.. were.. still you.
Calm.
Insightful.
...Caring..
..And... dependable.
....
...And how...
How was he not supposed to get attached to you?
..When you were always there for him..
Like now, as you held him steadily in your arms while he so desperately clung on to you as if you'd run away if he let you go. Of course a part of him was always scared you would because.. why wouldn't you?
What could someone like you possibly see in someone like him..?
Someone.. shallow and.. terrible with a whole novel's worth of issues.
Not at all good at comforting people.
Fickle and who practically ran at the first signs of trouble.
If he were you..
Well.. he would've given up on himself a long time ago.
..So.. why did you.. stay..?
.....
He was too scared to ask that question.
Too scared of the answer that may come from your lips, even though those words might just save him...
..Because he was absolutely certain that they'd actually just be the final nail that turns him to dust..
So he pushed the thought far from his mind to the back to die with the rest of his unnecessary feelings. Not that it was hard really, Sans' mind was a bloody fucking mess, clouded by a horrid mixture of alcohol and drugs that had him feeling on top of the world just a measly few hours ago.
Stars.. it really was easy to get lost in that madness wasn't it?
..Into the pleasure and fun that came at the end of a bottle, or at the end of another hit.
In a way.... it was just like magic.
In an instant, all those troubles that clouded your mind would seem so far away...
For a while you'd be unburdened by responsibility or society.
You'd let go of the constraints holding you back, you'd let loose and finally just be free.
Your mind would let go of it's troubling thoughts..
Of things... and...
..People...
......
You'd have fun without stress.
You'd lose yourself to the motions
To movements.
To the descent.
..To the fall.
Down.
Down.
Down.
Down the rabbit hole you'd go.
....
But with every fall.
Came a landing.
....
Right to the very bottom... and you'd suffer the consequences of your descent.
Now that once hypnotic neon that drew him into this club seemed sickening to his eyesockets, and the smell of smoke mixed with sweat and grease made him want to hurl. He didn't want to hear anymore words spoken by anyone else, much less those so called 'friends' who invited him here in the first place. Their words had long faded away to numbing static in the background now that the intense music was gone. He was sick of their empty flattery and jealous praises anyways, all trying to catch his attention so they could use him as a footstool to higher society. The only reason they invited him here was to get some damn clout for themselves and he was lonely enough to accept the offer because...
For once, you weren't there.
.....
Well you were technically there, because you always told him to call if he ever needed you, you just weren't like... there there!
..And he was feeling sad and...!
You weren't.. well-!
It's just-! He.. just-!
....
He didn't want to...
.....
Ugh.
It didn't matter.
He was just tired of it now. Tired of those damn pieces of trash..
They deserved to sit in the dumpster where they belong, but he was too fucked up to put them there so instead he just let it become background noise.
He wanted nothing more than to stay right here, in the only place he really felt at ease.
..With you.
So he turned his head away from it all and breathed in deep, a familiar scent washing away the muck that clung to the edges of his mind. It was fresh and a bit misty, like the scent of rain just before it fell with just a small hint of earthiness, and it brought him such a sense of..
..Comfort.
Just... like it always did.
Just like you always did, whenever you were around.
It made him clutch on to you all the tighter as he buried his head further into your shoulder, wanting to be lost in the mellow scents of your coat and the steady rhythmic beating of your heart as you spoke softly to someone else.
He was just..
Tired.
Tired of this, and tired of that.
Really he was tired of everything and just wanted to.. go..
"...home," he slurred, clearly interrupting your conversation with someone but not having the slightest care in the world.
His skull could hardly make sense of what was being said anyways, still washed up in the dizzying effects of alcohol and.. whatever else he took, but he really didn't care.
He wanted to go home.
That's why he had messaged you in the first place.
So you could come pick him up, yet again, and take him back home.
At least.. he hoped that's why you were here.
Who knows, maybe you'd finally come to your senses and would just dunk him in the trash can where he belonged.
"We're heading out in just a second, alright?" you said gently, your words cutting clear through his own thoughts.
.....
He barely turned his head to peek at you, catching the vague shape of your face through the fluorescent neon.
Funny.. how just your tone settled his troubled mind, almost making him feel silly for thinking you'd abandon him. Even if he didn't understand why in the slightest, you clearly cared for him. It came through in the way you spoke, and in the way you held on to him, like he was something precious and worth keeping.
...He just really didn't get it..
So he didn't think about it, instead just squeezing his eyesockets and letting out.. a noise in response.
..Really it was more like a painful, almost guttural groan, but he didn't want to acknowledge how unattractive it sounded, so a noise it was.
Thankfully it was enough.
"Just hang tight."
And then you spoke again, but not to him, so he let your voice fall to the side too, the gentle rumblings steadying him as he buried his face back to his usual spot.
For right here, in the small space between your neck and your shoulder was his own personal Wonderland. It was the same place his skull always went, whenever you two were close. The place he buried his face when he cried, or where he turned his head away to escape from it all. He loved to feel the pleasant heat of your skin against his cheek, and let those soft and subtle scents wash over him once more.
He really could just.. get lost in it.
He'd stay there forever, if you'd let him.
And that's exactly why he could never forgive you.
Because.. you did.
Time and time again you gave him that place all to himself, without question or complaint.
You let him come undone in so many ways in that small space, that house he had built for himself and boarded up.. no longer felt like home.
..And the feelings that he had locked away tight..
They were always so close to just.. coming out.
They threatened to spill from his mouth and dirty your jacket with their sullied words.
His admiration.
His respect.
His... love... for you..
..And all that you've done.
They danced tantalizingly on the end of his tongue, sometimes escaping in the friendly ‘I love you’s you both shared, or passed through his fingertips when your hands gently brushed, sending shocks to his soul. They seeped into almost every action and he..
Well..
A part of him felt like he was going to just go crazy over it..!
Or maybe.. he always had...
But for every moment he stayed in your presence it lingered..
And it swished and swirled... bubbling at the surface and just threatening to...
Break.. loose..!
"You doing okay?"
No.
No, he really wasn't doing okay.
Really he wasn't.
The words.. they were...
Slipping...
No...
He was...!
..Going to..!
"....i think i'm going to throw up."
"...Ah."
......
He probably would've been angrier if that wasn't the truth.
The excess magic bubbling in his soul was threatening to rush out thanks to the alcohol, and he certainly didn't want that spilling out of his ribcage so the only other option was out from where it came.
"Can you hold it?"
Ya know, normally that kind of question might've been seen as insensitive given the circumstance, but you very well knew Sans hated throwing up in public areas because it was... well kinda gross.
"..yeah.."
"Then let's go home."
And that was it.
You looked back to whomever you were speaking to and said your goodbyes before turning and heading out of the club with him in your arms while he tried to cling to you like a koala.
The awful neon was fading away along with the horrid smells, leaving him in just the gentle presence of you..
At least until you opened the door to the outside world the city lights and smells hit him like a fucking truck. He cringed, for even in the late hour the lights were in full shine and cars honked aggressively at each other in the streets. It was overwhelming and only made him retreat farther into arms, trying to escape from it.
Oh great, here comes the nausea again.
He groaned and you thankfully put a bit more pep in your step as you headed into the musky night air, finally reaching your car after what felt like a small eternity.
He had felt the keys already in your hand when you picked him up, and now you carefully tried to unlock the car door while maintaining your hold. It was surely a fairly easy task, considering the two of you had been in this exact position so many times before, and it wasn't long before you opened the door and tried to place him into the passenger seat.
"...You know you gotta let go so we can go home."
".....no."
He could feel your breathy laugh brush past his skull and neck, nearly making him tremble, but he still held on tight.
Sans just didn't want to let you go.
"..Please?"
.........
He.. reluctantly released his grasp, slowly sliding into the seat as he already began missing your warmth. His eyes automatically slipped shut, feeling more relaxed in the familiar space of your car. The passenger side seat was still just how he left it, tilted back just enough so he could nap comfortably.
"Just a sec."
"...mmmhh."
At least it was a more attractive sound this time.
Then he waited.. for what felt like another small eternity, almost tempted to brave the bright world to look at you before he was joined by a pleasant warmth, and the soft scents of rain and earth.
You laid your jacket on him, and he quickly hugged on to it while you busied yourself with buckling him in. Another easy task, as he heard the click of the seatbelt in place, and felt your presence leave him once more. He barely cracking his eyesockets open to catch your gaze, and for the briefest of moments he was greeted by your smile
"Was it fun?"
"...no.."
You let out a snort, shaking your head at his bluntness before standing up closing the door.
One last small eternity later and you opened up the driver side door, seating yourself before buckling yourself in.
"If I remember correctly you didn't have fun the last time you went out with her either, so why go?" you asked, turning the key and starting your car.
There was no judgement in your tone, more like a genuine curiosity. Surely it must've seemed dumb to keep torturing yourself in the presence of people you didn't like.. but..
"i'unno..." he muttered.
He was lonely.
"..jus didn' have anythin' else...since you were gone.."
There was a small pause as he watched your brows furrow, but you kept your gaze ahead as you pulled out of the parking lot and into the busy streets of Ebott.
"Well I did invite you," you reminded him and he let a small huff.
"i didn' wanna... intrude.. on your.. family... whatever."
"You know my mom wouldn't mind."
"...i know.."
Urgh.
Darn that woman for being almost as equally likeable as you were.
Really.. at first he could hardly believe the two of you were related with how bright and cheerful your mother was compared to your rather indifferent demeanor, but you both had that same tenderness that shone through in the way you cared for people.
...She always made him feel so welcome anytime he came around.
Like family..
....
And yet...
He didn't want to sully such a happy image with someone like himself.
So instead of joining you for an evening of board games and home cooked meals with your mom, he filled his meaningless life with people who were just as meaningless. He stuffed that empty skull of his with hollow praises, and anything that'd take these vile feelings away.
He didn't deserve this.
He didn't deserve.. you.
He deserved to be used up.
Thrown out.
And forgotten.
..Just like the rest of the people like him..
So... why did you refuse to let him go?
....
Once again he was too scared to ask.
Too scared of the answer he might receive, even if there was a possibility that it could save him. He just wanted to keep holding onto this. On to you, in hopes that you'd still just always be there for him.
Just like.. you always were.
....
He let out another huff, feeling those words threatening to spill forth again as he clutched on to your jacket. His hand wandered over to the same place it always did when he felt like shit but couldn't say it, to the middle console where it waited patiently.
His patience was rewarded, one small eternity later, when he felt your hand gently settle over his.
There was nothing more he could do to keep the words from spilling forth.
"i love you..."
And he meant it, with every fiber of his soul.
"I love you too Sans."
..Not in the same way, he knew, but...
This was still just enough.
Enough to keep him here.
Enough to keep him going, with the hope that maybe some day.. you would really love him too, in the same ways that he loved you.