#infernalcroaks

[infernalfeathers]

Honestly, I fucking wish I felt I had a leg to stand on to exist in, around, and find support from trans men or man-aligned people discussing specific forms of transphobia. Unfortunately, whenever I chime in, I'm met with, "This is about masculinity, and the consensus of men as a gender and manhood as a whole is inherently masculine. If you're not strict masculine or masculine by the binary gender qualities of manhood, you need to go talk somewhere else."

So I go over to the non-binary community to find support against exorsexism where I'm met with, "Sorry, man is a binary gender. If you're claiming to be non-binary you can't identify as a man fully and nothing else— if you’re a man you should go to the transandrophobia tag unless you’re saying you’re trans MASC. Oh, you're not strictly masc? Well, sorry, but this space is to talk about oppression against non-binary genders only and obviously man is a binary gender. Haha, no, you can't reclaim it or detach it from the binary, despite us knowing the binary is a colonizer's concept forced upon other minorities. We hate the binary, but we'll utilize it whenever it's convenient!"

I feel like I really don't fit into any group for support because one focuses strictly on masculinity, while the other views my gender as strictly binary unless I lie and say I'm a man just not exclusively.

Meanwhile no one talks about the rampant TGNCphobia let alone puts a word to it as it’s blanketed by consensus under exorsexism by default even if TGNCphobia can be experienced by anyone who is trans, binary or not.

[infernalfeathers]

Finding out my username was put on a massive blocklist made by an Radqueer Endo. 80% of this blocklist is composed of minors with CDDs, a majority of the accounts publicly listed for hate and harassment aren’t even affiliated with their anti-endo information blogs. These kids do not harass anyone or go into the endogenic tags or adjacent tags at all. Their only “egregious offense” is providing historical, medical, psychological and archived internet history that proves the endogenic movement was built on aggressive ableism of those with CDDs. Apparently this is enough for a grown adult to not only persecute children but go out of their way to track down every single personal account each minor owns to put on this public blocklist for anyone to attack, stalk or monitor.

I myself was put on this list and labeled “Aggressively anti Endo.”

Yes I’m “aggressive” against ableism, stigma, misinformation and especially toward any adult who is targeting and stalking children online over shit you call “syscourse”. If I caught any adult who is a CDD system doing the same shit to self identified “endogenic systems” minors I’d do the same thing.

It’s really not that hard to not be a fucking creep to children. Syscourse isn’t real, stop teaching children ableism to enact on other children with severe trauma. You as an adult have social, moral and ethical obligations to protect kids. Period.

[infernalfeathers]

“Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by ignorance.” However, willful ignorance is a form of intentional malice, it involves willfully ignoring facts or truths that could lead to better understanding or behavior.

[infernalfeathers]

Personal venting with some Essenti specific mentions under the cut.

Alexa, how do I convince my inner Tau pride and instincts that when someone of the opposing dynamic I care quite a bit about is struggling with avoidant attachment and creates distance because of it— that it's not a rejection of my worthiness as pack-mate or a potential mate? I want to physically fight my own mind sometimes. Why am I feeling rejected and anxious when I know firsthand exactly how avoidant attachment operates? My brain is betraying me; what the fuck are you doing, you thoughtless creature? We have AvPD, how audacious do I have to be to feel hurt because someone isn't depending on me for support. Get a grip, hypocrite.

[infernalfeathers]

Introspective vent concerning disorganized attachment UTC.

It's laughably dark in a paradoxical humor kind of way to live with disorganized attachment, to swing like a goddamned monkey between anxiously fearing abandonment while other times struggling avoidant patterns in other situations only to level out as secure in others.

When I'm not in a stupid ass anxious attachment state myself, someone else's anxiety or abandonment fears flips on a goddamn switch in me, activating my own avoidant defense mechanisms. I don’t just dislike this about myself I fucking LOATHE IT, especially since no one is doing anything wrong. Their anxiety isn't any more unique than mine can be, maybe more intense but not uniquely different I recognize this logically.

Yet this guilt and self-hatred gnaws and festers within me from the inside. Part of me desperately wants to provide comfort, to demonstrate that I'm there for them, that I’m not some cop out weak bitch who can ask never give- and often I manage to do exactly that; be there for someone. Other times, though, more like as of lately the pressure becomes unbearable. It's like sinking underwater after being tossed over the side of a bridge into water with cinder block shoes, said cinder blocks are simply desperate for validation and reassurance I simply cannot provide in that moment. They're not truly weighing me down, I don't see them as a burden but I struggle to articulate what this experience actually feels like inside me.

How do I stop feeling guilty when someone's anxious attachment triggers my avoidant response? I've learned through painful experience that even when I do everything someone with a severe enough anxious attachment asks and needs, it's never sufficient. They still feel abandoned, regardless of my reassurances, attentive listening, problem-solving, companionship, or accommodating their needs and requests. I constantly have to prove myself again and again. It's exhausting, demoralizing, and overwhelming.

I really really fucking wish I could offer others the same goddamned emotional availability and capacity for support that my network provides for me during my disorganized attachment episodes. But I don't know how to overcome this reflexively douchebag avoidant response that activates when the emotional intensity becomes too much to process.

[infernalfeathers]

"Non-disordered" plurality is NOT innately Alterhumanity. You are NOT a good Alterhuman or Alterbeing, nor are you an ally for supporting endogenics under the fundamentally flawed belief that endogenic experiences are intrinsically Alterhuman experiences. This is a fucking lie, a deliberate propaganda tactic pioneered by the founder of "non-disordered plurality" and every single one of you pro endos fell for it. Hook, line, and sinker.

In no conceivable universe will you ever be considered a good alterhuman, alterbeing, or community ally if you actively endorse ableism under this dangerous misconception. Accepting ableism just to virtue signal your allyship to the alterhuman community is the most pathetic, weak-willed, cop-out bullshit I've ever had the misfortune of hearing. You're not only wrong you're actively participating in the erasure and harm of those with legitimate dissociative disorders be them alterhuman or not. Wake the fuck up.

I swear to every fucking layer of hell and all the souls contained within that if one more person pushing 40 comes to me claiming endo plurality is a facet of alterhumanity, I'm going to maul you in a way no forensic scientific will recognize the remains as organic material any longer. Congratulations you've been successfully indoctrinated into a hate movement by an ableist white woman who isn’t even Alterhuman or Alterbeing herself. There was a deliberate and calculated reason why Sybil cherry-picked certain spiritual and psychological alterhumanity beliefs then pasted them into her pitch for "non-disordered plurality" on her now-defunct website Astrea's Web. It was to strategically indoctrinate vulnerable groups with various overlapping origins of non-humanity into a DIDOSDD hate campaign.

As it stands, absolutely NO evidence supports non-disordered plurality as a legitimate neurodiversity. Even if it does exist and we're somehow wrong, it still comes with distressing, life-impacting symptoms because we're forced to navigate a neurotypical society. And if we're completely mistaken about plurality being a neurodiversity, it STILL wouldn't present or function identically to disorders like DID and OSDD. Of course, endos still claim that when their plurality is allegedly a neurodivergent experience, their headmates function within the same medical framework and symptom language.

If you pitch the spiritual route, I'm going to ask: are you white? If yes, then shut your fucking mouth. No—no, you cannot reference other cultures' beliefs or concepts that you're deliberately misinterpreting as being similar to "spiritual plurality." Spiritual possession and beliefs that exist in other cultures do NOT claim their entities, spirits, or the dead function somewhere similar to DID/OSDD symptoms, which automatically invalidates your spiritual claims. Those of these faiths and cultures would NOT—and DO NOT—file these experiences under a framework coined by a fucking WHITE WOMAN.

[infernalfeathers]

The next pro-endo who slithers onto my blog with the audacity to claim "endos do no harm to people with CDDs" is going to intimately acquaint their throat with my Bagh Nakh before I use their hyoid as a goddamn toothpick.

[infernalfeathers]

Realizations hit like a fist shattering glass as I come to terms with how I instantaneously bristle with aggression when my very essence is filed away under species labels or roles I reject outside of rare kin shifts.

Of course I don't "perform enough crow behaviors"; they question my avian nature constantly, relentlessly. When not interrogating my species, they dissect my relational role. "You can't function as a guard dog, you’re feline in your ways!" "You enjoy scalp scratches? Clearly cat-like." "You purr? Despite crows purring too? Nah just another kitten boy." "Your gender expression deviates from binary norms? Obviously feline because kitten boys are frilly and cute." "Your selective affection, your carefully cultivated niceness trained into yourself so people stop assuming every movement or word seeks conflict because you’re tired of being angry all the time at people not worth the energy, this reveals you're just soft, sweet, projecting fierceness you don't possess. So big and tough when you're really not."

Listen close: I am a humanoid crow demon. My behaviors won't map neatly to any earth animal species, humans included. This system grew up among cats and dogs physically. Within the system, no avian, or avian demon part exists to mentor me in proper avian ways. Everything I've learned amounts to a crow raised among strange species, never experiencing its own kind.

I despise how my species identity as a humanoid crow demon gets dismissed as confusion, how even if accepted, I'm expected to fulfill prescribed roles in relationships based stereotypes of not only animals but kink culture such as puppy roles are for mascs and kitten roles are for femmes and gnc men.

Cats fascinate me, I adore them, admire cat boys, respect kitten subs, doms, switches but I am not one. Not kitten, not cat. Stop weaving my actions into linear narratives, stop mischaracterizing me, or I'll rip your throat out with my teeth.