#ir oopstech

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"That wasn’t in the user’s manual!”

The Object-Oriented Mainframe Acquisition Device

The OOMAD is the size of a paperback book, and intended to hack into, and withdraw information from any modern mainframe without being detected– within 4-7 minutes. It needs 20-24 hours to charge fully– a partial charge generally results in failure.

“Failure” generally means “data is not recovered, and the attempt to hack the mainframe will be immediately spotted by standard security measures”.

Unfortunately, occasionally, “failure” means “the OOMAD and the mainframe will both begin to literally melt, causing toxic gases to be released in the immediate vicinity and probably setting off fire alarms and security alarms at the same time.

The OOMAD (now in the process of being redesigned) is generally called the “OMGWTF”.

Send me “That wasn’t in the user’s manual!”  and I’ll tell you what high-tech device malfunctioned during one of your muse’s jobs.

[thestorycontinues]

“That wasn’t in the user’s manual!”

The Ingestible Preparation and Sanitation Appliance.

The IPSA was intended to make making meals both more safe from a sanitation perspective, and more efficient from a labor perspective, while remaining sustainable from an energy-use perspective, by heating food placed within it to 165F / 73C within 30-65 seconds. With this in mind, its designer made it compact (using foldable recycled plastic) and solar powered. The IPSA was tested both in terms of intensity of heat, amount of food prepared in it, and longevity, and after a year, was pronounced ready for field use.

However, the designer forgot to take into account issues like elevation and relative oxygenation. Under certain conditions, rather than heating food, the IPSA would collapse, reducing itself and its contents to a molten, biodegradable, inedible blob within 2.3 seconds.

This earned it the nickname “the Hellstove”.

Send me “That wasn’t in the user’s manual!”  and I’ll tell you what high-tech device malfunctioned during one of your muse’s jobs.

[thestorycontinues]

"That wasn't in the user's manual!"

The Impact Reduction Motor Vehicle… aka the Snailmobile.

The intention was to create a car that would resist almost any collision-caused damage, using dense-packed Kevlar and [INFORMATION REDACTED FOR SECURITY PURPOSES]. The intention was to supply field agents with an IRMV when driving long distances or transporting at-risk passengers. The result was a car that ran beautifully… until it overheated, due to lack of ventilation.

(Overheating occurred when the car exceeded 4 miles / 6 km per hour for more than eleven minutes at a time.)

Send me “That wasn’t in the user’s manual!”  and I’ll tell you what high-tech device malfunctioned during one of your muse’s jobs.

[thestorycontinues]

"That wasn't in the user's manual!"

The LDMCD– Long-Distance Microtransmitting Communications Device, sometimes called the LDD, but even more commonly called The Shrieker.

It’s only just been approved for field testing, and it has… a few bugs. The biggest one is that under exposure to certain audio wavelengths, it makes a high-pitched wailing noise, bursts into flame (only briefly! and not every time! and nobody’s had to be treated for anything more than very mild surface burns!) and stops working.

Send me “That wasn’t in the user’s manual!”  and I’ll tell you what high-tech device malfunctioned during one of your muse’s jobs.

[thestorycontinues]

Send me "That wasn't in the user's manual!"  and I'll tell you what high-tech device malfunctioned during one of your muse's jobs.