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How to Write a Jejune Love Story - Rule #1:

Insist - believe to the core of your being - that a romantic arc is vital. Supremely vital. That the entire narrative will collapse under the pressure of its own emptiness if a love story isn’t included.

And prioritize the romantic relationship above all other relationships - indeed, this is why the story will collapse without romance, because only romantic relationships are real relationships. Friendships, familial relationships, mentors and proteges, these are only stopgap pretenders. Only romance can be the keystone holding the structure together.

Okay, I might have to post my entire lecture series about driving questions of narrative and their relation to tension and suspense and keeping audience interest, but here’s the short version: the audience sticks around because their curiosity is piqued. The audience will watch a spectacle because it’s shiny, but they invest in The Hobbit because what is Bilbo getting out of this? Will Smaug be slain? Will Thorin reclaim Erebor? Will whatever the fuck was going on with Thranduil in the prologue be resolved? Will Dwarves, Humans and Elves find peace in the Erebor/ Dale region? Why is Gandalf so interested in Thorin - or is it Smaug - or is it Bilbo? And so on. Ignore the driving questions, you leave threads hanging, and the story fails to satisfy.

Bilbo’s journey is psychological, internal, which is hard to grasp for many people. The movie has him shout,”I’m going on an adventure,” which means that Bilbo is after adventure. That’s his motivation - but what’s adventure? It’s an abstract concept and shifts meaning depending on the situation and personalities involved. So in order to answer whether Bilbo gets his adventure, the movie must establish what ‘adventure’ means to Bilbo. This is the A-Plot.

Thorin and his quest for the Arkenstone & Erebor is the B-Plot (and maybe also the C-Plot, if you’re doing something psychological with him as well). After that, we have Bard slaying Smaug, so an arc needs to exist around that otherwise it’ll come out of nowhere. Then we have the sociopolitical affairs between Dwarves, Men and Elves in the region of Erebor, which, like a great supporting plot, ties in with Thorin’s B-Plot. And then, the movie decided to do shit with Gandalf and the White Council and the Necromancer of Dol Guldur - which needed a hell of a lot more than they put into it in order to be relevant (if they weren’t actually going to commit to the subplot, they shouldn’t have bothered).

But at least the White Council drama had potential relevance. Potential. Tauriel’s and Kili’s love life has zero relevance to Bilbo’s story, zero relevance to Thorin’s story, and zero relevance to contextualizing both in the world events of Middle Earth (which is where the White Council could have value). It doesn’t even illustrate something about Dwarf or Elf culture.

There is no room and no need for a romance.

Especially given all the platonic relationships that need care and consideration: Bilbo and Thorin; Bilbo and Gandalf; Bilbo and various Elves (Elrond & Thranduil, because what the movies ignore is that Bilbo is an Elf fanboy - how does that affect his relationship with Dwarves btw?); Bilbo and Bard; Bilbo and Bofur (since the movie gave them some moments); Bilbo and Balan; Thorin and Balan; Thorin and Fili; Thorin and Kili (yes, those need to be two separate relationships); Thorin and Dwalin; Thorin as leader in relation to his company; Thorin and Gandalf; Thorin and Bard; Thorin and Thranduil; Thorin and his grandpappy (since the movie wanted to do something with it); Gandalf and Elrond; Gandalf and Thranduil; Thranduil and Bard; Gandalf and Bard (and the relative absence of a relationship can also be significant); Thranduil and Legolas (and yes, Legolas does belong since he’s a Mirkwood Elf); even Thranduil and Tauriel.

There is no room and no need for a romantic subplot.