I haven't been very personally active on here. I reblog tons of stuff, but rarely post my own content. I don't know why. I used to post stuff all the time. I'd say it's because I'm so busy, but the fact that I can queue so much and keep up with my dashboard, means that's not true. As lame as it sounds, I think it's because I'm too tired. There is so much activity in my life, so much responsibility and duty, that I don't have the energy to create anything anymore. Writing posts like this one are a form of creating, and even if I wanted it to be easy, it's not. There is the emotion involved in putting my personal thoughts out into the world. I've found, in the last two-ish years, that there is a huge risk in putting myself out there. I used to feel like talking/writing about my life and my perspectives was like shouting into the void. It didn't matter who heard, because they didn't care anyway. Lately, though, I've been bombarded by people who set off my warning bells. I am generally a very trusting person. I will like and respect you until I am given a reason not to. However, I trust my instincts and when I get an uneasy feeling about a person, I am on edge constantly. The only time I don't feel like my body is amped up in the fight or flight mode is when I'm home with My Superhero. It's exhausting. Especially when I have to work five days a week with people who make me feel threatened. I don't know if this post was going any where in particular. It's 2am and I'm starving. Due to a series of people screwing us over, we have very little money for food, and for the first time ever I am having to choose not to eat whenever I want to. This month has been hard on me. I know that once it is over and things start getting better (which they are, just slowly) I will be able to look back and learn from all this, and at the very least have empathy for those who have this type of struggle long term. But right now all I can think about is how hungry I am. And how bone tired I am. How much I wish I had a support system that I trusted. I think other people's expectations are the root of all evil, and I hate having to live my life having to think about them constantly. Not because I want people to like me, but because expectations are based on society and I only understand society when I analyze it from afar, and not when I'm dealing with it in my daily life. I've realized that I don't interact well with others because what comes as a default for most people, requires a lot of thought for me. I need to sleep. I need to figure out how to deal with stress. I need a new job. I need food.
