[murder tw] tfw u tell ur mom abt what happened to issy stapleton because u were so shocked by reading an article abt it and u need to talk abt it, but then she just keeps defending the mom like "what if she hadnt been able to sleep for a MONTH?!"(1)
shes just "do u know how HARD people with autism are to live with? how can u know if that girl was ever HAPPY? think abt what the MOM must have been going through!!" and u feel rly scared but u don't know what to say to explain why shes wrong(2)
I really really cannot fathom what causes parents to think it is ever okay to murder their children. I am really really frightened by parents who sympathize with murderers/would-be-murderers of autistic children, because there is always an alternative to murdering a child, even if that alternative is giving up custody.
There are entirely too many variations on the same story.
On the evening of November 3, blogger Jillian McCabe turned herself in after throwing her autistic six-year-old son from the Yaquina Bay Bridge in Newport, Oregon. Prior to her arrest, McCabe and her husband had run the now-removed blog Autistic London, chronicling the “ups and downs” of raising an autistic child.
It was a horrific incident but not an isolated one. In October, New York magazine ran a sympathetic profile of Kelli Stapleton, who attempted to murder her autistic daughter Issy in 2013. The piece, headlined “Kelli Stapleton Can’t Forgive Herself; Can You?” notes on its splash page that Issy was “prone to violent rages.” Nor was New York Stapleton’s only defender; Dr. Phil McGraw gave her a platform around the same time to say things like “The jail of Benzie County has been a much kinder warden than the jail of autism has been.”
This week, Gigi Jordan, who forcefed her autistic son a fatal dose of prescription pills, was convicted on the lesser charge of manslaughter, with her lawyer insisting that “she did this because she loved him so much.”
I read about these things from my position as an Actual Autistic Person, and I get scared. Not so much for me, on a practical level, but for the members of my community who, even if their parents don’t do anything to harm them, are hearing the message from the media that if your parents were to murder you, it wouldn’t be optimal but who are we to judge?
Nor is this justification limited to parents; in February 2012, Stephon Watts, a black autistic 15-year-old boy in Calumet City, Illinois, was shot dead by police after they claimed he rushed them with a steak knife; Watts’ parents maintain it was a butter knife. The officers who killed Watts were cleared of all wrongdoing. In 2010, Steven Eugene Washington, an unarmed, black autistic man was shot dead by LAPD officers after reaching for his waistband. The shooting was ruled unjustified and Washington’s mother won a civil suit against the city, but the officers who shot him were not charged with a crime.
I’ve done better for myself than the popular perception of autistic people expects me to. I work full-time, I’m happily married to an amazing woman and I’m a college graduate. But please believe me when I say there is no way to hear people suggest that people like you are better off dead, that the question of whether or not to kill you is a morally complex issue, and not internalize that to some extent.
“But Stapleton’s daughter was violent! But McCabe was having money troubles!” people respond. “It was probably a really hard decision! What was she supposed to do?” And then the fear falls away and I just get mad. Because answering that question is not my job. It’s not any autistic person’s job to come up with an alternative to parents killing their disabled child. I refuse to have people who share my disability put on trial for their lives and I refuse to entertain the premise that the value of your life is inversely proportional to how “burdensome” you are.
I’m scared, and I’m angry, and I’m tired of reading about this. I’m tired of being afraid to read the comments on these stories because I know there will be someone fingerwagging anyone who condemns these people. I’m tired of mass media so feverishly obsessed with presenting everything as an issue with two coequal sides they’ll grant legitimacy to people like this. I’m tired of the utter dearth of autistic voices in the media when we are the people actually affected by this terrifying phenomenon. I’m so tired and so angry I’ve been trying to find the words for this column since I read what McCabe had done on Monday, and they only came out semi-coherently Friday afternoon. I’m tired.
"(Issy) is not a monster and she is not like a chimpanzee and she is not broken and she did not do anything wrong," he said. "She is the victim, and thank God she is alive."
- Matt Stapleton
Let's talk about Matt Stapleton for a second.
If sympathy for Kelli Stapleton ISN'T about hatred for Autistic people, then why am I not seeing anyone shed a tear for Issy's dad?
Supposedly people are sympathetic to Kelli not because they don't believe in the value of Autistic life, not because they agree with what she tried to do, but because raising an Autistic kid is so haaaard.
I would bet the amount of my student loans that Matt Stapleton thinks being the other parent in a caregiver homicide attempt, and then seeing your wife then go on Dr. Phil and seeing the whole world parroting her talking points about what a monster your child was, is harder. Even if Kelli says that her new life as a famous talk show murderess is "kinder" than "the prison of Autism."
Mr. Stapleton did sign a letter about his ex-wife's sentencing saying that she needs help, not extended jail time. I am ambivalent about that, however after all that I've read, I think it basically reflects his belief that she was acting out of mental illness; most importantly, I think that would still be his position if his daughter were not Autistic. For the most part, he has remained totally, unwaveringly on point through the unimaginable shock and hardship of his wife attempting to murder their kid. Why isn't HE the tragic hero of the Autism parents' movement?
BEULAH, Mich. (AP) — A judge Wednesday sentenced the mother of an autistic Michigan teenager to 10-22 years in prison in what she described as a failed murder-suicide attempt brought on by despair after years of violent…
The Autistic Self Advocacy Network issued a statement on Wednesday, October 8th, regarding the sentencing of K. Stapleton.
K. Stapleton, having pled guilty to charges of first-degree child abuse, has been sentenced to 10-22 years in prison after poisoning her autistic daughter, Issy, in an attempt to end her life. ASAN is pleased that the sentence is consistent with the recommended sentencing guidelines. By imposing a similar sentence as would be expected for someone who committed the same crime against a nondisabled child, the court has sent the message that Issy’s life was as valued as any other.
As ASAN outlined in our statement to the court at sentencing, people with disabilities are at great risk of suffering violence by caregivers. In the last 5 years, over 70 people with disabilities were murdered by their parents or caregiving relatives. It is imperative that the disability community be afforded equal protection from violence and these crimes be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Troublingly, these crimes tend to see comparatively lighter sentences than filicides of nondisabled individuals.
ASAN is gratified to see that Issy was granted justice. We especially thank the Benzie County prosecutor’s office for its commitment to showing the court and the public that Issy, not her would-be killer, was the real victim of the violence committed against her. We can only hope this sets a precedent and signals a change, not only for how our justice system approaches these crimes, but for how these crimes are viewed by the public and covered by the media. In the words of Mary Harris “Mother” Jones:mourn the dead, and fight like hell for the living.
