Iris by Goo Goo Dolls is so insanely friendship with a trans person adjacent in my mind
Like. Yeah man. I just want you to know who I am. And the 'you' is just. someone. someone specific. someone I love.
like I used to have this friend. She used to get me. And I wish she didn't see me how the mirror does. but alas.
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be And I don't wanna go home right now
When I used to talk to that person at night, it was the only thing that was keeping me going and it was. good. It was heaven. Chatting doesn't show her my Frankenstein body. I used to wish for the nights to not end because that's. that's when I'm not at "home" at that time. My room is separate. here I am me. Uncovered.
And sooner or later, it's over I just don't wanna miss you tonight
It's over now. And I miss her. a lot. I have had dreams about her. I miss something I wish to never have again. But damn man.
And I don't want the world to see me 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am
There are countless events that I have missed because it required me to present myself as someone I'm not or because the other people in there wouldn't be as kind to me as my room or simply because I was too dysphoric to attend so I chose to sit on my bed and suffocate. I KNOW they wouldn't understand because given the opportunity they did not. My body is made to be broken. My mind is broken. I am broken. And all I've wanted is love because they promised it would change me.
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming Or the moment of truth in your lies When everything feels like the movies Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive
I can't really cry. I have tried. It just doesn't happen. My tears don't roll out. I just sit there empty. My body is empty of my heart. My heart is empty of a body. Some days they find each other. Some days they are on the other sides of the world. I was promised crying and love would change me. It changed them. I WANT to express myself. I simply am not allowed to or at present able to. She said she wouldn't hurt me. It was true then. It's a lie now. That one moment that one night was the truest of lies that exist and I don't know if I hate it or love it that that night was mine. I saw "I saw the TV glow" and I saw Owen and I saw Maddy and I LOOKED at them. And in their empty bodies I found my heart. And in their empty lives I found my life. And I didn't know I was alive and I still don't. I never self harmed but I know it's a common experience within the trans community. I never self harmed but I have hated my body. I have hated my body enough to WANT to gut myself. I have chased that adrenaline but I never caught it and I think I am glad for that.
I just want you to know who I am I just want you to know who I am I just want you to know who I am
I am still closeted. My family isn't the most supportive and I am a minor. My country isn't the most supportive. I have had nights though. And I have laid in my bed staring at my window to avoid thinking about everything. Thinking about who I am and who I am perceived as. I have had friends who got close and I have had friends who try to get close and I am glad for all of them. But no one knows who I am. Sometimes I don't think even I know who I am.
Having a body is body horror. The trans experience is body horror. Puberty was body horror. I am not a topic of political discussion. I am a person with a body. With my body but not my mind. With my mind but not my body. But I am something at least. How great it is to be something at least.
