skin and bones
era : guerrilla (2022)
warning : eating disorder, mental health, body image, cyber bullying, irregular periods
it's all going to shit...
to say that ivy has been overly stressed out was an understatement. it was easy to tell too. she is constantly worrying about how she looks, if she sounds okay if she does the dances correctly. one screw up send her into an anxious mess and she doesn't understand why.
when was the last time she took her anti-depressants?
when was the last time she took her anxiety meds?
what about her nausea medication?
she can't even remember.
she doesn't have an appetite anymore, ever. the most she eats in a day is an apple and peanut butter, but even that gets thrown up sometimes. her hair is starting to get thinner and thinner. her periods have started becoming irregular. it's happening again. and she doesn't even realize it. not until recently at least
"jisoo-ah" hongjoong stares at the girl, snapping his fingers in front of her face.
"hm?" she blinks rapidly, suddenly remembering the leaders presence.
"i said dinner is ready, wooyoung cooked"
it's easy to see what they are doing. wooyoung has been cooking her favorite foods. mingi has been holding her extra tight at night. yunho has been hugging her longer than usual. seonghwa has been doing her chores. jongho has been singing her to sleep during even the shortest of car rides. san has been buying her more stuffed animals and random things that seem to remind him of her. yeosang has been asking her to join him on a midnight walk to get snacks, more than usual at least. hongjoong has been home from the studio more.
is it bad to say she doesn't feel anything about these gestures though?
what's happening to her.
"i'm not really that hungry" she stated with a sheepish smile.
but hongjoong looked her up and down with his worried face "at least join us, maybe you'll be hungry once you're around it?" he's trying his best.
but she shook her head now "I'm okay"
once she falls asleep, she knows she is going to wake up to her favorite snacks on her desk with a note from mingi or jongho.
ivy~ you seem to be skipping meals. eat up!
i noticed you missed dinner, so i brought you some food. enjoy!
you know you shouldn't be missing out on meals. eat.
the gestures are sweet and all, but she can practically hear their worry the more they buy her things.
she woke up around two in the morning, and she looked at her desk to see... nothing. she let out a small breath of relief, knowing they didn't waste their money on her today.
she sat up off her bed to go get a water bottle, her throat was dry and she didn't really want anything that could give her any more calories than needed. walking out of the room, she sees mingi grabbing a midnight snack for himself.
"here," he said plainly, handing her a snack cake.
"i don't-"
"just please eat something"
their eyes meet for the first time in a while. she's scared to look into any of their eyes, worried of their judgement and disapproval.
"okay," she whispers and takes the snack from the taller's hand. she unwraps the packaging and eats it slowly as he watches with a small shimmer of pride in his eyes.
she finishes the cake and grabs a water before mingi pulls her back into his room. "talk to me" he says lowly, hoping to get anything out of her.
"what do you mean" she tried playing it off with a giggle, but mingi has always been able to read her like a book.
"why are you doing this again," he asks.
the last time ivy was this skinny, it was during their first comeback, she was facing the stress of being the only female member and just being an idol again in general. she didn't eat much for a while, and every day she woke up surprised she was still living. it really tore them all apart at that time. they had never seen her in such a state, so it was shocking and confusing at the time.
the girl could only shrug it off as nothing as if her boyfriend was going to believe that. but he knows her, he knows she doesn't want to talk, and though she would have to at some point, he doesn't want her to be up all night.
"let's get some sleep"
the next morning she woke up alone in mingi's bed. she checked the time on his digital clock. 11:03 AM. she slept in again.
"damn" she sighed before taking the covers off of her and standing up. as soon as she stood, she felt like she was spinning and her eyes went blank. she hates when that happens, and it's been happening a lot.
she walks out to the living area to see all her members sitting there, waiting for her it seems. they all became silent when yeosang clears his throat after making eye contact with her. yunho gave her a very little smile before hugging her like he does every morning.
"morning" she said
"morning" he responded quietly
she let go and looked at them "what's going on" she questioned as she moved into the living room more.
"we were hoping you would tell us" san answered
"nothing to say. shouldn't we be practicing?"
the boys all shared glances as hongjoong explained that they all woke up late that morning so practice was moved to some time after lunch hours. the girl nodded and went to take a shower and get ready for the day.
tomorrow is the kick-off concert for the tour, and while she is excited, she feels herself getting more and more anxious. she continues reading comments on her posts. and she sees all the worry posts about her, and then she sees the hate too. it's like she can never win in this life.
is it true?
has she really starved herself to nothing but skin and bones?
has she become weak?
ugly?
the day after everyone was up bright and early. "good morning" seonghwa smiled and handed the girl something he knew she would actually eat. apples and peanut butter with some tea.
"morning" she replies taking the plate from the eldest's hands and sitting at the table next to mingi and jongho. mingi had a full meal in front of him, and jongho did too. an actual breakfast that would probably keep them energized throughout the long day ahead.
she lays her head on mingi's shoulder while he continues talking to wooyoung about something they saw on TikTok. she carries on eating her sliced apples as she zones out. she feels so tired and exhausted. it's not like she was up late. she went to bed around nine that night.
"are you okay?" jongho nudges her arm
"yeah" she nods with a yawn escaping her mouth.
the morning went by pretty fast. quick practices, warm-ups, and sound checks. everything they've been doing for the last few days, a repeat. they saw some fans, greeting them with smiles, waves, and bows.
finally, they get to the stage they perform, and they talk to fans. it's so refreshing. seeing so many people there just for them was always thrilling. but she felt so tired and drained. and maybe it was visible in the dances, she was hoping that wasn’t the case.
but it was.
that night she was trending on twitter about how skinny she looked. and tired. and exhausted. how her dancing was different. her vocals weren’t the same.
but all she did was go to sleep, refusing to talk to anyone until the next morning.
“9 makes 1 team” the group chanted before going on stage again. she felt better today. she actually ate a good breakfast. had a monster and some water. she is expecting greatness tonight.
but as the night went on the more tired she got. after dancing wonderland she started feeling dizzy, but next was guerrilla and she had to perform that. so she pushed through.
half way through the song her vision went blurry, she almost ran into the other members a few times. but she got through it. that’s all she needed. then she could do outfit change and be calm for the remainder of the concert. but that plan went out the window when she reached for jongho and then collapsed.
the crowd started screaming and yelling as jongho tried holding her up. the lights went out and they all went over to the youngest. hongjoong ushered everyone to go back stage while staff ran on stage.
she stood up shakily, still a little blacked out, but able to walk with assistance. they arrived backstage to the other members, who were quietly getting changed when they heard a staff member speaking to the audience.
“please be patient as we are facing some difficulties”
mean while the fans are still screaming and yelling.
ivy started seeing normally as she walked in. “i’m okay” she whispered as she released herself from the staffs arms.
“you’re not” mingi said walking over and holding her in his arms.
hongjoong looked so severely upset, like he was going to be sick. jongho looked distressed, almost angry. seonghwa was tearing up along with yeosang. san was sitting there silently with his head in his hands. wooyoung was just flat out crying.
she disappointed them. and the fans.
“you need to get help” her boyfriend was practically begging.
hongjoong met her eyes from across the room but she retracted them out of fear of disappointment.
“we can talk about this later, let’s not stress her out anymore” the leader stated as he stood from her seat.
the youngest gave him a thankful look before she was insisted to sit and drink some water. “hand me a fan, mingi” one of the managers said and pointed at on of the hand-held fans on the coffee table.
“let’s get you out of these clothes, sweetie” a stylist insisted. ivy nodded and stood up, taking off some clothing so she wasn’t exposed everyone. she was left in her sports bra and safety shorts. which is normal for everyone to see, she wears them to dance practices or bed depending on the heat.
“you guys have to go” she said as she put on one of mingi’s tshirts and jean shorts. “go”
they all looked around at their managers, who all nodded. they were all dressed and ready, they just didn’t want to leave their youngest member.
hongjoong let out a sigh “let’s go”
tags: @skzfairies @atolua @itzy-eve