joohyun has a cat perched on her lap and her fingers are tracing the animal’s spine absent-mindedly. she is tired to the bone, head hanging against the rest of the couch. it’s been another long day as a trainee and though she feels happy to be in a company, she can muffle the groan that her sore muscles draw from her mouth. dreams doesn’t come without pain. she learned that in early age, when she left her house and her family. she learned it again when she was a trainee and when she was dropped. hopefully, they weren’t planning on dropping her now.
maybe it is a little too late to reflect on a new year, but she does anyway. that is because she is no longer a high school student. her ties with her former school were cut and now she felt a little lost. not in a bad way, though. it has been hard, during the last months, to keep her high grades while being a trainee. the girl is still spent from training, but not as spent as she used to be when she had to study during her scarce breaks.
she doesn’t plan on going to college. her best friend is still far away from her though joohyun doesn’t feel bitter over him leaving her anymore. well, for the most part, at least. her heart still aches for zhoumi, but the pain isn’t very noticeable now that she has someone nursing it. joohyun doesn’t want to think about the weight of things, though she always do. she always contradicts herself however now, that doesn’t seem like the worst thing.
her relationship with her family is tough but it’s gotten better. she moved to another clunky and very small apartment that was nearer to the company with their help, although joohyun still refuses to talk to her brother - or even refer to him as her brother.
everything feels very new and she feels very uneasy. after all, she never could relax before. her life has been a succession of bad things, one after the other and it seems reckless to let her guard down. even now, that she feels content over a few texts, she waits for the next bad thing to happen.
bae joohyun / nova entertainment / say my name ( 0:16 - 1:14 )
as her legs shake when waiting for her audition, joohyun bites her lip and feels happy seulgi is there with her. although she usually prefers to go to auditions alone, so nobody would witness her nervousness, this time joohyun thinks that having the friend is a good distraction. there’s nothing surprising when one say joohyun leans towards self-destruction. she is a force of nature, she walks by her anger, purposely causing damage to herself and others. the last time she was in an audition for one of the big companies, joohyun had starved herself and ended in the hospital, earning more health issues to worry about. she tried not to do the same this time, surrounding herself with people who would block her path towards the worst of choices.
however, that also meant her anxiety has little escape. she can feel it boiling beneath her skin as she picks at the skin on her thumb, looking to all the rivals. in some sense, seulgi is her rival as well, but joohyun tries not to think about it. she also tries not to think about her life if she fails that audition again. joohyun doubts her confidence would suffer too much, but it would be definitely discouraging. she was blindly aiming to become an idol for years and failing was never an option for her. not when failing meant going back to her old life where she would drown in regret and shame. another sigh falls from her lips and she is soon called.
the high school student smiles, her stomach feeling like ice and her legs seeming way too light. the time she has for the audition is short and it bothered her. she is the one to struggle when choosing songs and having more time usually let her with more choices, but this time, she just chose a cut from a destiny child’s song. well, technically. it’s the version beyoncé sang in a live of hers, but she really doubts anyone would be interested in that. so joohyun just hands the song she prepared to the person in charge of the sound and walked towards the center of the room.
“hello, my name is bae joohyun, please take care of me” she says with a smile, offering a deep bow to the people whose eyes were on her. her stomach was filled with butterflies when she looks up to find hyun bin’s face. she needs to admit: part of her is really excited for this audition because of him. joohyun feels like a silly fangirl when her smile grows as she looks at the ceo. definitely, he is even more handsome in person - and more charismatic. it’s a shame she can’t get an autograph. however, she is dancing in front of him. hyun bin will watch her dance and god, she is excited. “i hope you like the dance i prepared for you today”
another brief bow and she waits for the song to begin with her signature smile on her face. she feels pretty confident about the choreography so when the beyoncé’s voice sounds through the room, joohyun feels her anxiety fading a bit. it’s still there, but she feels happy to be able to perform the song and to do it in front of hyun bin. besides, the whole atmosphere the song creates makes her want to bite her lip and send confident stares through sharp eyes.
even though she starts easy and slow, her movements become sharper and quicker according to the beat. joohyun thinks that it’s a good way to show that she can follow fluid dance moves but also be very sharp. she mouthed some lyrics when the song became a bit more aggressive and flirted during the slower parts. and eventually, she simply had fun although there were too many eyes judging her every move and every expression. joohyun doesn’t try to hide the spark of joy in her eyes, deciding that it’s good if they can see just how she loves it - just how she wants it. and she does love dancing a lot and she does want to be a trainee very bad.
by the end of her cut of the song, joohyun just let go, smile spreading through her face until beyoncé’s voice was interrupted. she was barely breathless, one minute being too little to really steal her breath. she finds herself wishing the audition was longer and the wait for the results was shorter. but she knows there’s no way she can cheat their system so she needs to find a way to cheat her own brain. maybe she’ll refrain from staring at her phone for the next days. again, she bows at her waist and her eyes land on every judge - sparkling when meeting hyun bin.
“thank you very much for your time and this opportunity” the brunette finishes saying and leaves the room, being struck with anxiety as soon as the door closes behind her. her weak heart beats erratically and she has to sit down, taking deep breaths. she accepts the bottle of water seulgi hands her and smiles back, thanking her with a look of her eye. a sigh and she looks up to seulgi again.
On nights that she stays at Joohyun’s, Taeyeon knows that the next morning, she’ll have to get up way earlier than the younger girl in order to make it to practice on time. She doesn’t mind it, finding the whole thing worth it. This morning, November 11th, she slips out of bed as silently as she can, tiptoeing around the apartment, as to not disturb Joohyun. She had brought her extra set of clothes that she kept at KT to change into, and slipped into the bathroom to do so. Once she’s finished getting ready, she gets into her bag, pulling out a gift for Joohyun. It was nothing fancy, nor was it anything too “lovey”, she knew the other wouldn’t like that as much, but it was simple and still did as it was intended.
With it, she left a note:
Good morning, Joohyun. Happy Peppero Day!!! I wanted to do something for you, even if you think it might be stupid. I just felt like I wanted to. I hope we get to have more nights like last night, I had a lot of fun. (:
By the time you read this, I’ll be at work, but I hope you at least enjoy your day at school, and have a little sweet snack~ Though you have to save at least one so we can play the Peppero Game later, okay?
<3 Tae
joohyun wakes up with a sigh, blindly tapping the sheets to look for her cellphone whose alarm was going off. she shuts it, forcing her eyes to open and her mind to expel the haze of unconsciousness from her body or else she knows she would just stay in bed. it still smells faintly like taeyeon and joohyun knows that the older girl left an hour of so earlier so she could get to kt in time. it makes her worried that she actually misses her presence but there was no one to see, so she could just let a smile spread through her lips. well, not exactly no one as joohyun is reminded when ares jump to her stomach - very determined to make his owner wake up and feed him immediately. the girl pets her cat and brings her body up, relaxing the sore muscles before getting on her feet.
she gets the cat food but her motion to open the can stops when she notices something over her tiny, two-people table. something that definitely wasn’t hers and wasn’t here when she went to bed. her thoughts are disturbed my claws on her pajama pants and she clicks her tongue, looking down at her impatient pet. “yes, yes, coming your majesty” joohyun mutters and fixes the cat his food before walking towards the table almost hesitantly as if the packages there were a savage animal. her heart is beating fast on her against her ribcage and she doesn’t even know why. she doesn’t know what to feel over the fact that taeyeon probably left her a gift. it was simple, she realized as she came close, but it was a gift.
her fingers grasp the little note in taeyeon’s handwriting and her eyebrows knit together. joohyun reads it again and again and again but it doesn’t seem to sink in. this was a gift for peppero day. but why would taeyeon give her such a gift? why in peppero day? she purses her lips because the answer is pretty obvious but she prefers to remain ignorant. it’s probably the best - stops her from saying or doing stupid things. joohyun gets the package in her hands as if it’s a very delicate and strange thing and carefully drags her fingers through it. there are wrinkles on her forehead too, because she never gets gifts. well that was a lie. she got gifts from eric and also...
her eyes fall to a very curious piece of decoration on her bedside table. a stuffed animal sit there - a sheep (joohyun remembers laughing at it when she was coming home). her hands tremble and so does her bottom lip because it’s just like history is repeating itself. she looks through her stuff until she can find another card with a very different handwriting. two people who are - were - supposed to like her. while looking at taeyeon’s and zhoumi’s card, joohyun felt like her heart would escape her chest just to stop beating. panic crept up her whole self because it just couldn’t be. taeyeon isn’t zhoumi and sure as hell taeyeon isn’t goong min.
but then, even though it must feel like a beginning to taeyeon, that gesture seems like a prelude of the end for joohyun.
she drops the cards and pushes her fingers through her hair and fucking makes her stop and fucking breathe. panicking over peppero and a card besides stupid, isn’t going to accomplish anything. joohyun tries to remember that taeyeon was being sweet and she probably put a lot of thought to it. she is probably waiting for an answer of some sorts. so joohyun takes a deep breath and grabs her phone, her fingers hesitating in front of the screen before typing a few texts.
( txt: blondie ) got your gift
( txt: blondie ) thank you tae! it’s really sweet.
( txt: blondie ) i’m glad you had fun, it was fun for me too
( txt: blondie ) have a nice day at work
( txt: blondie ) also i’ll save the peppero though we’ll probably defeat the game since there will be no cookie left~
she is dancing. as usual, joohyun gives the best of her. every bit of energy from her body is put on a move of her arms or the swift of her hips. the music pounds in her ears and she can hear nothing else besides this and her rhythmic breaths. her chin is up and she looks at the audience with a confident and mischievous smile. she doesn’t recognize them but then again, joohyun doesn’t think that the examiners from idol companies would be known by the public. it’d make things far too easy. but then, she thinks she saw someone familiar between them. and when she turns and the music stops, she looks at the person again.
and her whole world seems confusing and terrifying all of the sudden.
sitting where the judges must be, there were some very specific people. there sat goong min, her brother, eric and… taeyeon. she is confused for none of them were examiners for no company. her brother didn’t even know anything about music – all he knew and cared about was cabbage crops. then why – just why – would he be there? why would any of them be there?
“you should’ve listened to me, joohyun” her brother says and she opens her mouth to answer him, but no sound comes from her mouth. she tries to exit the room, but she finds herself stuck to floor, unable to move. her own arms seemed to be tied and she couldn’t block her brother’s voice neither stop looking at him. “you should’ve stayed. you don’t belong to the industry” he pauses and a venomous smile comes to his lips. “but i’m glad. you’re nothing but a headache. it’s been great not being near you”
“tell me about it” she hears a different voice this time. joohyun is forced to look over to where eric sat. “please, joohyun. why do you think i went to america? to record an album? i was just desperate to get away from you. i can’t stand you. in fact, i almost pity you. you think you’re all that – and you actually think you’re talented. poor you” he laughs and her eyebrows knit together. no, this couldn’t be real.
“she was always like that, you know? when we were together – god, it was so annoying. i almost couldn’t take it” goong min starts and joohyun feels the tears stinging on her eyes but she is too proud to let them go down her face. “annoying. always saying how she’d be a star. you can’t do shit, joohyun. and in fact, nobody likes you.” he pauses. “i had the balls to tell you what you are. what you deserve – which is nothing.” he laughs. “you deserve no one. and you will end up alone. see, this guy here told you he needed to ‘finish an album’ to get away from you. the other guy told you he would treat a cancer. how desperate that boy must’ve been! i just wonder… what will that girl say to get away from you?” he points to taeyeon.
joohyun looks at her and she is miserable. she begs with her eyes for taeyeon to bring her some comfort, to end the searing pain in her chest somehow.
“i” taeyeon says and she has a such a cruel and mocking smile on her face joohyun barely recognizes her. “i will end it soon enough. but i’ll have you to suffer. i’ll have you to remember why you don’t deserve love, especially mine. why you don’t deserve a place in any company. you will fail, joohyun. every time. you will fail and you will fall.” she pauses. “and no one’s gonna catch you”
and then she does feel like falling – and also feels like vomiting and ripping her hair out. the tears finally began to fall and she feels like she is drowning in them. and just when she tries to get a deep breath, her eyes open at once and she stares at the ceiling. all her body shakes and she coughs and cries, too afraid to go back to sleep.
“ares” she says in a laugh. her cat looks down to her from his comfy seat in the couch and seems uninterested by her muffled laughs. “i have a gift from my cruel murderer in this halloween. yes, a gift for you. no, it’s not a treat. but i brought those.” joohyun gets on her knees in front of her couch and scratches ares’ ears lovingly before getting thelittle costume she bought in her way. so the movie wasn’t the only thing that followed the tradition of that day, in the end. “ta-da!” she shows it to the very uninterested animal and laughs a bit. “oh come on, don’t be like that. let’s try it on”
with a bit of struggle, the teenager finally gets her cat to wear the costume and as soon as she does, a laugh comes from her mouth. ares isn’t really happy but it looks completely hilarious to joohyun. she gets her cellphone and takes so many pictures and records so many videos it could’ve filled up half of her memory card. the girl takes some time to send some snapchats to eric, giggling the whole time and wishing a happy halloween, knowing that things on the states were different. she also records some videos and takes some pictures to send to taeyeon, smiling at the girl’s answer.
for the rest of her day, joohyun prepares a bit of popcorn and gives the so deserved treats for ares – laughing all the way while he walked around in the superman costume. she distracts herself from the movie sometimes to text taeyeon but honestly, the movie was a big cliché. the story wasn’t that good but the jumpscares were quite good – something good for her and not so much for ares that whined every time his owner disturbed his nap.
“shit” she mumbles when her doorbell rings just before a jumpscare. joohyun looks to the door and faintly hears the voice of children. she looks back to ares, whispering. “the candy is all ours, right? we’re not sharing. shhh”
joohyun isn’t very fond of halloween. the western tradition never really got to her when she was little and when she grew up and moved to seoul, it didn’t inspire her fondness. she never understood the fascination everyone seems to have over “scary” stories and things like that. maybe, just maybe, she thinks, when your life seems to be a nightmare you care little for things like that. or maybe, listening to unfortunate stories and dressing up as a character – worse or better than you – makes one feel even fortunate. grateful, perhaps.
she’s not sure, but then again, she doesn’t bother much. while walking to sopa that morning, there wasn’t anything about her out of the usual. in fact, she just learns that it’s halloween later in the morning when she shoots judgmental looks to some people in costumes – if you could call those costumes because they were very discreet due to the school’s rules.
it’s with a bored expression that she receives all the attempts of scaring her – people jumping from behind doors and lots of fake spiders that makes her want for that day to end as soon as possible. she starts regretting coming to the school to review some lessons joohyun didn’t get the grasp. her grade’s performance was very important, but she wonders if she got anything out of it seeing how disturbed and annoyed she was throughout her whole stay.
the girl goes home with empty hands but stops at the front of some store. well, good thing about halloween was sweets and she happened to get some of them – probably just to show to eric that she was being somehow festive. joohyun rolls her eyes thinking of her best friend’s teasing and once again she finds a stopping point on her way. the video store has posters of all kinds of scary movies and even though she hesitates, it comes to her – why not follow the tradition that wasn’t hers just a bit?
dear sister, can you help me lie?i’ve told the truth so many yearsbut no one seems to wanna hear thati’m not someone else inside
her lips is pursed, her fingers are twisting. there is a long sigh followed by a frustrated punch to the nearest wall. joohyun doesn’t like asking for help. she despises it. it makes her feel weak and inferior and vulnerable. and she is everything but vulnerable. except, that isn’t true anymore. she is vulnerable and desperate and she needs help. and though she doesn’t like it, joohyun brings herself to follow her sunbae, grabbing to her arms and bringing her to an empty room in the company’s building. her bottom lip is trembling and there are tears in the younger’s eyes. jieun already had her debut and she was respected. her opinion mattered. and right now, she was joohyun’s best shot.
“jieun-ah, can you help me? please?” her voice is shaken and she hates it. joohyun swallows the lump in her throat and stares at the older. why can’t she be just like jieun? why can’t she be easy and talented and loved? why does everything always show to be so much harder for her? “they... they’re saying... there are rumors” the brunette starts, trying to calm down to explain the situation to jieun. “that a new girl group is debuting soon. and that... that some girls that don’t fit the concept will be sent away. they will be cut” she paused. “and my contract is expiring soon, jieun-ah. sunbae. they will send me away.”
“joohyun, you don’t know that...” jieun trails off, but joohyun cuts her. her fingers dug in jieun’s skin and her tone is urgent.
“no! listen to me. just... just listen!” the girl says, breath shallow. this is her dream. she can’t be kicked - not again. loen already did that and she can’t stand it again. “i’m not cute. i’m aggressive. you know that. but... but i could be cute. you can say... say that i’m cute. tell everyone. say i’m just shy... i don’t know. help me. lie for me. they’re not interested in who i am so i need... i need to be who they want to be”
when joohyun drinks jieun’s expression again, there’s pity in her senior’s eyes. joohyun feels like throwing up, but instead, her eyes just grow bigger as she urges an answer from the older girl. she hears jieun sigh and for once, she is hopeful.
“are you sure you want to do that, though?” joohyun’s eyebrows knit and confusion and jieun explains further. “i mean, pretending to be another person... you’ll have to do it for the rest of your career. do you really want that?”
“i don’t care!” she replies and then bites onto her bottom lip. joohyun closes her eyes for a bit because she can’t face those pitiful eyes of jieun’s anymore and takes a deep breath. her voice is a bit calmer when she talks again, but the urgency is still there. “i can’t... this is my dream. this is everything i have. i threw everything away to have this chance. i have nothing but my dream. nothing but this company. i can’t be sent away. i won’t. i have nothing to return to” joohyun then opens her eyes again and looks to jieun’s eyes, offering her most sincere look. “will you help me? please?”
jieun hesitates but nods after a while, resigned. “fine” she agrees. “i’ll do what i can”
