"We may fall, but we will rise. Not by my might, nor my power, nor by the strength of swords, only through your love my Lord. All that’s lost will be restored.” (Josh Garrels)
Shortly after I stopped fundraising for InterVarsity, I read an article that really resonated with me. It talked about a pastor who had just stepped down from leadership due to brokenness in his private world. The last tweet he had posted on his account was “Welcome to the valley of the shadow of death. Thank God grace reigns here.” I ended up copying those exact words onto a piece of paper and proceeded to tape it up over my desk. In the weeks and months to come, it would be a source of strength. Thank God grace reigns here.
In the darkest moments of my life, it reminded me that no matter where I was at, God was still at work in my life. After InterVarsity, it felt like I had lost my sense of identity, close relationships, a purpose to my life. For almost an entire month, I would wake up, go to work, then come back home and sit in my room alone until the next day. Part of me couldn’t face reality. I stopped talking to God for a season. Deep down, I knew that I needed to go face to face with Him, but I couldn’t do it. I knew there was so much to bring before God and I didn’t have the emotional strength to even start. I needed to vent, to ask questions, to rage, to threaten to turn my back, to pour it all out before the Father. But I couldn’t. It was too draining to even think about the emotions.
By His grace, God still kept reaching out to me in those moments. At first it started through the work of the three pastors at Ethnos; Pastors Yucan, Tim, and Scott. They made an effort to meet up with me and continue to encourage me. In the moments where I didn’t want to even think about encouragement, they kept going at it. They kept reminding me that God was doing something greater in all this. Meanwhile, I was all like “God, can you just take me now? I can’t even.”
It was also around the same time that I started feeling encouraged by Ethnos community. People that would just talk to me after service, or even just said a quick hello in passing by. They may not have known it, but those hellos or how are you’s were small lifelines in the sea of despair I was drowning in. It reminded me that there were still people that cared about me. I’m eternally grateful to people like Eric Lige, Joy, Reyn, Christine, Austin, Emily, Eric Hazzard, my community group and many others.
A third place I saw God continue to reach out to me was at Starbucks. A couple of weeks after I left InterVarsity, a new barista started working there. Her name is Juli. I quickly found out she was Catholic and I started talking with her about her faith. I was amazed by it. Over the course of the summer, we had so many conversations about what it means to live out our faith in the culture we’re set in and what it looks like to give your life in service. I’ve mentioned it to her a few times already, but those conversations have had such a deep influence at how I started to view what it means to be a man of God.
I started to go back into the Scriptures. My journal entries were a lot more heart felt now. Instead of saying things like “Today sucked,” they started to go deeper into what I was feeling. I poured my heart out to the Father. Raged, vented, cried, complained, and sought comfort in Him. I read Rebuilding Your Broken World by Gordon McDonald, and Undefiled by Harry Schaumburg. I then re-read both of them. Slowly, but surely, I started to see what God was doing in my life.
It’s been crazy to think that it’s been over six months since all that happened. There have been moments where I thought I was moving forward, but then things happened that made me realize I still had a ways to go. There have been moments where I despaired of ever seeing change, but then I reflected and was amazed at how far I’ve come.
In the past couple of weeks, I’ve been doing some deep reflecting on God’s goodness. There is this quote by the artist Jackie Hill that I really like. It says “God’s goodness towards you is not subjected to your perceptions of ‘goodness’. Sometimes, the most chaotic seasons of your life are sovereignly ordained to be the best seasons of your life. Not for your comfort, but to draw your soul nearer to your Savior.” As I look back to this season, I definitely agree. There was nothing comforting about how I ended last year. Yet, in the midst of all that, I’ve never felt closer to God. Walking with God through the valley allowed me to walk as close as I’ve ever gotten with Him. There were moments where I felt that I had nothing at all except for God. Moments where the darkness overwhelmed me and all I could do was bring it to the Father. And the Father was gracious.
As we enter the second month of the year, I can safely say that I’m not in the valley anymore. I know I’m not at the top either, but I’m not where I was half a year ago. It’s been a humbling experience. What I thought I was once entitled to, now I thank God for a chance to participate in HIs mission. I’ve had a chance to engage in spiritual conversations with so many of my co-workers. I like to think that I’m engaging in more “freelance” ministry. Just living life alongside my friends and trying to point them to Jesus.
My church community has been amazing. I’m so grateful for each and every single one of them. Although many of them didn’t know it at the time, covertly, they were still uplifting my spirit. I am always looking forward to Sunday mornings. To worshipping alongside the rest of my community. To living life alongside them. To be able to carry their burdens as they helped carry mine.
Words cannot express how grateful I am that we serve a God who gives second chances. A God who’s story to us is one of redemption and restoration. Just as Jesus was sent down to redeem creation from the effects of sin, so too does the Holy Spirit continue to redeem and restore us from our brokenness. In my moments of solitude and quiet, I reflect on how good God has been towards me. In the midst of everything, God was like “I’m still here. I’m here to restore you. To bring you life.”
When I was younger, I used to read the parable of the lost sheep. How the shepherd left 99 sheep to go find one sheep. I used to be like “Yeah, Jesus, go find those lost sheep!” But in my moments of isolation, that story came to mean so much more to me. Instead of identifying with the 99 sheep, suddenly I was that one sheep. And it was like “Jesus, please come to me. I need you so badly.” And He came. Despite everything, He came for me. And I think that’s so amazing.
I think it’s so amazing that the God who created the entire universe by merely saying it would be so, would care so much for an individual. That in the midst of the cosmic story of redemption and the infinite events happening in the universe, He would come to me. Just me and God. And instead of condemning me for my past mistakes, He would say, “Here I am. Let me walk with you through the valley. Let me love you. Let me show you that you’re not defined by your past”
God is good. That was something I could never let go of even in my darkest moments. In the moments where I honestly didn’t care if a car ran me over on the way to work, or if I just stopped existing, that core truth existed inside of me. I knew that God was good. I knew that He was doing something bigger in my life than I could even begin to imagine.
And now, I’m starting to see beyond death’s shadow in the valley. I am starting to see where God’s restoration is. What redemption truly looks like. And it’s better than anything I could have ever begun to imagine. We serve a God who gives second chances. A God who is at work even when we can’t imagine the mechanisms behind his doings. A God who never ceases of showing us His love.
