#jamilton_and_lams

[my-ships-will-never-be-sank]

The night is darkest just before the dawn

Aka The Batman AU I'm co-writing

Read it here

[my-ships-will-never-be-sank]

When you have everything but nothing

It's soft xuexiao week on Twitter and here's one I did :) royalty Au! With prince Xiao Xingchen and his only friend Xue Yang.

*********

Xiao Xingchen watched the world pass from the window of his tower. He listens as other children played in the streets outside the walls. He heard the laughter and the cries and wishes more than anything to see it with his own eyes.

But alas, as the prince, he is not permitted to leave the castle. He must be kept safe, and he must learn to rule.

As a child his only playmates are the ones in his mind. When he gets older, his personal guard nearly dies saving his life and his son, Zichen takes his place. Xiao Xingchen likes Zichen. Zichen is not that much older than him (only 10 or so years), and he listens to his stories. (Nobody else listens to his stories.) 

One day when he is 8, after his lessons when Zichen has left him alone a mop of dark hair appears on his balcony. 

He doesn't scream. (He knows he should, he's knows it could be a danger and that nobody is allowed on his balcony but-)

But the mop of dark hair is on the head of a boy the same age as him. 

The boy pulls himself up, turns, their eyes meet… (and oh, he thinks, he's beautiful.)

And it's the start of a beautiful friendship.

****

The years pass quickly and Xingchen is happier than he's been in years. He has a friend.

A-Yang visits nearly every day and they eat dinner together. (As he grows older, he slowly realises that what he's feeling is more than friendship, that he had let the other boy worm his way deep inside his heart.)

****

He ages too fast. His mother informs him one day of his need to marry, to have an heir… 

He doesn't want an heir.

He doesn't want to marry some foreign princess.

(He doesn't want to be king)

But he's 21. He's 21 and a marriage has been arranged.

He's 21 and sitting on his balcony waiting for his friend, his only friend. (His friend whom he is in love with.)

A-Yang shows up with his usual smile and Xingchen can't stop the grin that breaks out over his face. 

But the grin fades, slipping from his face and he can't hide his sadness. Not from A-Yang. Never from A-Yang, the one person who knows him best. 

"I'm to be married."

He can't force himself to meet the gaze of his friend, too scared of what he'll see - or what he won't. 

But a finger under his chin forces him to meet the now stormy gaze of A-Yang. 

"Do you love them?"

"I don't even know them. Her. Her. I don't want to marry someone I don't know, someone I don't love, someone who isn't -"

He cuts himself off in time and walks towards the balcony rail. He grips it tight and wonders what it would have been like to be normal. To be able to see the world, to be who he wanted, to marry who he wanted….

"Someone who isn't…. Who?"

He closes his eyes. He doesn't want to ruin the friendship he has with A-Yang. If A-Yang leaves and never comes back he doesn't know what he'd do.

He just shakes his head slowly and turns his face towards the stars. (He'd give anything to be able to wander freely beneath them.)

The patter of soft steps and the scent of sweets and pastries waft towards him and engulf him. (The scent of A-Yang)

A hand comes to rest on his shoulder and the other hesitantly rests on his hip, fingers splayed. He turns his head back to A-Yang in surprise and hope dares to fill his heart. "A-Yang?"

"And if I said I've been in love with you for years? If I asked you to pack a bag and run away with me? If I asked you leave all of this behind?"

A-Yang doesn't look at him, instead keeps his eyes trained on the stars, but his grip tightens slightly and his eyes are still stormy.

Xingchen lifts a hand and gently turns A-Yang's face towards him before gently connecting their lips.

The kiss is soft, gentle hesitant. They break apart too soon. He rests his forehead against A-Yang's.

"If you asked, I wouldn't hesitate. Not with you."

A-Yang's eyes brighten and a smile he wishes he would never see fade appears. "Then come with me. Pack a bag. Run away with me. Now. Tonight."

Xingchen smiles and connects their lips again. This time when A-Yang kisses back it's much more forceful and when they both break apart they are panting and laughing. 

He drags A-Yang into his rooms and pulls out a bag. "Start packing."

He pulls a second pack and starts shoving jewelry and gold into it. He throws in blankets and pillows and clothes.

And when he turns, A-Yang has another full bag thrown over this shoulder, grabs his hand and leads him towards freedom.

****

And when Zichen goes to wake the Prince the following morning he finds the room stripped and the letter on the bed and smiles.

'At least he's happy now'

He closes the door softly and returns to his post - he'll give them another few hours before he reports it to the Queen.

***

And far from the city two figures ride side by side atop horses. They both carry big packs and neither can wipe the smile from their faces.

[my-ships-will-never-be-sank]

Lets go home (but home we are)

By: Jamilton_and_Lams (ao3)

Summary:

Pharm sits in an apartment alone.

An apartment where he died 30 years ago.

It had happened so suddenly and all at once that Pharm couldn't stop him.

The memories. His memories, their memories, In's memories - they had all come rushing in, that day, the last day. His birthday. Their promise. 

The broken promise.

He couldn't breath .

Pharm sits alone in the apartment where he had died - where he had shot himself with the same gun beside him now. 

(Had Dean known...)

He's alone. All alone.

He's alone and he can't breathe. 

All alone in this apartment with the echoes of a gunshot and screams sounding in his ears. 

Alone. 

He gasps and burries his head in his legs and tries to draw breath.

The anger builds so slowly he doesn't even register it at first.

He tries to focus on Dean. (Korn.) 

Dean who had promised (Promises mean nothing) he'd come. He'd said he would come. (He said he'd stay with me .)

Pharm wraps his arms around his legs and shivers. He's cold and wet and the rain ( the rain… ) keeps pouring. 

The pressure in his head builds and his fingers drift alignment the barrel of the gun. 

It's so familiar. He can remember it all. The panic. The promise. The desperation to keep their promise.

They would be together again. Forever. (Pft. Forever. What's forever with a man who lies as easily as he draws breath )

He can't breathe.

The door handle twists and Dean (Korn !) stands there. 

"Pharm!"

He finally realises why his head is pounding. It's Intouch. Intouch wanting out. Intouch forcing himself forward.

"P'Dean!" He needs to tell Dean (He needs to talk to Korn ) what's happening. Dean holds him and helps him stand. 

Dean (Korn !) is holding him and looking into his eyes and maybe everything is going to be alright. 

"Let's go back, let's go back to our home."

Home. Yes. Let's go-

(Home?! We are home !)

His control starts slipping faster and faster. (We are standing in the place where we both died !)

(Bastard !)

(Asshole !)

(Liar !)

His control slips and Intouch dives, and Pharm is a prisoner in his own head.

"You're a liar!"

Pharm watches through his own eyes as Dean's heart breaks. He watches the fear and pain fill his eyes and screams for Intouch to stop. (It's not Korn! Please !)

"You Bastard!"

(Please stop! Dean hasn't done anything wrong!)

Dean grips his (their?) hands. "I'm sorry!" In rips himself away and - No!

(Don't In! He loves me! Please! Please don't -)

Pharm can't do anything but scream as In dives for the gun and Dean starts to tremble, he can't do anything but watch as Dean starts to crack. (Pharm doesn't know if it is though… is it Korn? Or is it Dean? How does he know how does he know - he doesn't know-)

"What if I choose to leave you first?" In's voice - his voice - is filled with spite and pain and heartbreak…

Pharm can feel his hand raise and he pleads with In to stop. In doesn't listen staring straight at Dean (Korn ?)

The nuzzle of the gun hits his chin and Pharm can't even cry. 

He thinks of his family - his mother and Phoom back in America, his new family - Korn's family….

An….

He had promised that nobody would die this time.

"I'm leaving you!"

(IN! Please !)

"Pharm!"

Pharm silently screams.

It is Dean. It's Dean. It's Dean. It's not Korn- it's Dean!

And he doesn't want to lose him. 

(I'm sorry P'Dean)

He closes his eyes.

Pharm means strength but he has nothing to be strong for. 

Why pretend to be strong when you're helpless?

So he abandons his strength and pleads instead.

He pleads with the heartbroken boy who died 30 years ago, he begs and he prays.

[my-ships-will-never-be-sank]

Time moves differently on the mountain. 

She wasn’t sure how different it was but when her disciples asked she told them the truth.

“If you leave down the mountain, you will be dead and buried by the time the next leaves.”

But not the whole truth.

Immortality comes with a price payed in blood. The gods can’t touch you here but if you leave i cant protect you from them. They will reap the youth from you. That is my punishment.

She would light a candle for every disipal that left and placed in the hall of remembrance.

It was her way of remembering those who she would not let return. They were still her family. She still loved them. But she would never see them again.

She had spent so long on the mountain that the two were inexplicably linked. She found out after Yanling Daoren left - he hadn’t even told her in person. The wind had his farewell and apologies and she had ran to stop him… but the barrier was shut and there was nothing she could do but watch the carefree youth soar free. - that a flower garden had bloomed. So many flowers all the same shades of colour, so pale and beautiful. Over time the colors changed. Became darker and darker. Thorns sprouted and anyone who tried to pick them would come away hurt.

Then the garden burned. She had been sitting in the hall of remembrance and thinking about her disciples when the flame (A bright gold) in the hall of remembrance had flared before extinguishing. No matter how much she tried she couldn’t relight it. Fear bloomed in her heart. Then the cries had summoned her from the hall. “The mountain is on fire!” “no - just the garden…” 

She ran. Her Yanling Daoren’s garden burned, the flames golden and strong, and his flame was extinguished and -

The gods had claimed him.

She enters seclusion. 

She mourns.

She leaves seclusion. 

New disipals join her, lost children are led to her and she keeps them safe. 

Then her niece expressed her wish to leave and she wants to scream. “You can’t. You will die. I can’t lose you as well.” 

But she doesn't. She can't. She won't force her to stay.

A week later she has a candle lit for Cangse Sanren. (It lights a deep purple)

The wind keeps her informed. 

She has good friends.

She is sought after by many, the rich and poor alike.

She has fallen in love.

She has married a servant. (She lights a candle. A light green)

She is pregnant.

You have a grandchild. Wei Ying. 

(She lights a candle for the child she will never meet. It lights a deep red. She smiles. He has never been on the mountain. He at least will live a long life.)

Then that purple flame, followed seconds later by the green, extinguished. 

She wasn’t there when it happened. She was on a night hunt (How ironic, she would learn later as the wind kept her informed.) and at the smell of smoke she had turned to see the billowing purple clouds where the lotus pond and lilies bloomed. Where the pink carnations had bloomed only a few years past and the Purple hyacinths which had only appeared that morning.

Then there is another time of peace. Disciples look out over the mountain and turn away. Some remember their elder disipal siblings whose flowers had grown and wilted, whose flames had died out. They turn away. 

(All but one)

The wind carries news. Her grandson has gone against them all in order to save a few. (Truly her niece's son)

The wind carries news. There is a boy, as close to a son as Wei Wuxian will have. A yuan. (She lights another candle. Beside the red there is now a pale pink.)

The wind carries news. Her grandson is dead. Murdered. 

She runs but he red flame is gone. 

The pink although dimmer still fights. She watches it carefully and as time passes it grows brighter.

The last person she had ever expected to approach her about leaving had been the young Xiao Xingchen. The brightest star in her sky of disciples.

A star she now knows is destined to fall. 

And so he leaves and a third candle is lit. A pure white flame with the slightest silver.

(She hopes, desperately, hopelessly, that the third time will be different. That Xiao Xingchen will find happiness in what he does and joy in how he does it.)

A valley of daisies spring up. She smiles and hopes.

It's later she notices the clusters of Rue and she can feel her heart break all over again.

And then…

And then the wind carries is screams and his begging. 

Please grandmaster… his eyes… save him and use my own…

The child is in love she presumes and she watches him crumble as his friend blindly lashes out (I never want to see your face again)

Time passes. 

Song Lan awakes full of desperation and regret and when he leaves she lights a second candle. (He spent too long here. The mountain recognises him as one of her own.)

It lights black and has a similar silver lining as Xiao Xingchen’s. She wishes them all the luck in the world before leaving to view the garden.

A wave of Iris spread out, intermingling with Xingchen’s daisies and she smiles. Maybe there is hope, never before have two disciples been down together. whatever happens next though, their fates are intertwined.

The next day Lilacs bloom. As do Gladioli (she hopes that meaning isn’t exact) 

Then the Red Dahlia appears and she knows deep in heart they are lost. Their flowers are so intertwined she cant tell whose are whose.

It's too short a time when the flowers die. 

At first they don’t burn, they wilt. The daisies die and fold in on themselves. The Iris turn black and start to crumble.

The black flames appear and she bows her head. 

The next day the white flames grow and grow but the flowers don’t burn. 

She has never seen grief so bad before and when the flowers catch and burn it's like an explosion. The flowers fly and the soil turns black. All that remains are the Red Dahlia and a single Iris.

She glances at the single pink candle one day and stops short when she see’s the red is relit.

The wind sends word. It is true. People suspect he’s back. A different body - snatched people presume but he wind knows. Offered. It speaks of revenge and a plot so neferius… but she can’t help.

But her grandson is alive.

The flowers represent their souls and she learns later as the fierce corpse that was once her Xiao Xingchen’s closest friend bows at the barrier, he had shattered his own. A betrayal so great from a family he had thought he had found.

She leaves the shattered remains of Xingchen with Song Lan in the hopes it will bring the fractures peace. (He left here. She can’t take him back.) But she takes the spirit bag of the girl. Maybe in her next life she would like some peace. A quiet life. Zichen looks doubtful.

She takes the spirit locking pouch into one of the temples and lets her cultivation flow.

(One of the young couples has been trying for a baby for a while. They suspect they are unable but with the soul she can give them their wish.)

Time passes differently on the mountain. 

The wind carries news. Her grandson is getting married. She lights a third candle. Blue. 

She smiles. This is proof she hopes. That her family can survive off this mountain. 

Baoshan Sanren is immortal.

She is there when a golden flame relights one winter's day. And then a purple. She is there when a blast of power from far off is still felt and the white candle relights followed by the black. 

She is there when both the red and blue flames harden to ice. Immortal. Maybe now she will see her grandson. 

How long has it been?

But Baoshan Sanren is immortal and what is time to an immortal?

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

[my-ships-will-never-be-sank]

I have a new WIP i’m working on! 

“Baoshan Sanren - mourning on the mountain“

its going to be sad - i’m so excited for ya’ll to read it

[my-ships-will-never-be-sank]

I finally finished angstober - now to return to my many many many many many wips that I have been neglecting.....