For me this is the most impactful moment of the episode. We finally get to see MaoMao admit that she doesn’t understand feelings as well as others. For all she loves those who raised her, it was undoubtedly a terrible environment for a child that did bring on lasting damage. She learned not to express herself and that no one would care if she had certain emotions so she taught herself to suppress them out of protection.
Cut to her time with Jinshi and we see how things are being reversed, albeit slowly. He’s the first person in so long who cares about how MaoMao feels. He wants her to trust him, to know him, to share things with him. It’s a new thing for her, someone who shows this much interest in her thoughts and expressions. Who intentionally gives her things she wants just for her enjoyment. Who thrills at her little outbursts of joy.
Right now, she’s not able to put words or emotion to what that is but we as the viewers know, it’s love. He cares about her and so is being intentional towards showing her how much he does. And her reciprocation, while imperfect, is telling him that she sees him for the person he is, not for whatever status he’s hiding. Jinshi is the more true version of him she’s come to know and appreciate and in admitting that to him she’s finally given him a glimpse of the emotions she’s tried hard to suppress. As she says:
Jinshi wanting to be with MaoMao isn’t an easy road, for many reasons but I adore their relationship because it’s all about being willing to see through what someone might’ve endured and learned in their past to who they can be going forward. To understanding that making a confession of even the smallest sort may be worth all that much more because of what they’ve been through. And for these two I think that’s where they’re able to meet one another and develop this growing affection, even if it takes only small moments at a time. 💜
This scene was special to me because while we could say a lot about Jinshi blushing because he’s startled or MaoMao’s purely clinical concern for his health, I think there’s also an interesting dual perspective going on here.
When MaoMao strips to keep from catching cold she says that she’ll keep her undergarments on cause even though it’s “just a set of skinny ribs” she’d like to conceal what she can. To me, even though it’s a small comment, that came across like she finds herself so unappealing and thin. Switch to when she’s checking Jinshi for fever.
He blushes and looks at her. We then get this image of her from his eyes and it’s not an impression of a young woman who’s frail with skinny ribs, to him she’s beautiful. Slight but pretty. We’re meant to know he’s taken with her. All this is about how the other perceives themselves. MaoMao sees herself as thin from being a working class girl but Jinshi perceives her as lovely. Jinshi sees his beauty as a tool but MaoMao, while acknowledging it, moves past it to the man underneath who needs her care and concern.
It’s about the person, for both of them. That’s how they bring value to one another because what they don’t see in themselves, the other sees perfectly. 💜
Some people think that Maomao and Jinshi couldn’t work because she lacks any ability to feel romantic connection. That she rejects his advances because she either doesn’t like him personally or that she was born with an inability to feel in that way at all. Neither are true. In actuality, Jinshi is the one person best suited to Maomao. Why? Because she doesn’t lack the capability to feel romantic emotion, she’s just emotionally closed off.
Due to an upbringing where her needs and wants were ignored, along with abuse and complicated early relationships, Maomao has learned to shut herself off out of protection. She’s come to believe she’s incapable of feeling love because to her love is something seen as undesirable and scary. Viewed through the lens of the pleasure district, love was always a game. It was likely if you love someone you’d get hurt. Also, when she cried and expressed the need for something, no one answered her so she simply stopped expressing those needs and wants.
“You’ll never find some fine prince whose heart will never change. That’s one lesson you can’t escape here. What does trust ever get you? When you come down to it, I’m a whore, and you’re a whore’s daughter.”
So, I would argue that Maomao, as a person who has become emotionally reserved or closed off due to past experiences, is best suited for Jinshi who is very emotionally available. He counters her reservation head on. While this is often what is seen as “forceful” or ignoring her wishes, I’d disagree. It’s him trying to break through an exterior Maomao has learned to put up to protect herself. When she only sees herself as a tool and expendable, Jinshi finds ways to make her feel valuable, to work within how she sees the world and hopefully expand her view of her own worth little by little.
"Do you hate me so much?" he asked, his face now less like a wild dog and more like a puppy. Love, hate some people wanted the world to be so black and white. Why wouldn't he give her the choice of a gray area? "I suppose I don't hate you as such," she said. She might even think of him favorably.
"If you want to send me off wherever, well, if I'm just a pawn who makes no difference to the strategic situation, I guess I have no right to object. Am I a pawn to you, Master Jinshi?" He was silent. "Is there something you'd like to say to me?" - "Yes, I want to..." He started to answer, but refused to look her in the eye. Finally, he said, "I want to have another bowl of that stew." - "Sure," Maomao said after a second. "I'll go get some more." Apparently, she figured, this was his way of saying she was useful enough to keep around.
Jinshi’s steady and honest nature is what allows Maomao to feel comfortable enough in their dynamic to push back at him, to demand things of him and banter with him and be herself with him in ways she cannot express with others. Because he proves he is safe. That he will not hurt her, that he will not leave. He shows she isn’t just a crush of proximity but someone who matters to him and continues to show that over and over through words and actions.
"Jinshi was a man who could have had anything and everything he desired. And yet, he was such a straight shooter that it caused him to beat around the bush like this. He didn't want to take the shortest route to what he wanted, but the one that would be best for the other person."
"Jinshi suspected that if he asked Maomao what had happened to her since he had seen her last, she would give him only the most businesslike report. There would be no attempt to make him worry for her or sympathize with her. - Did she do that so that she wouldn't be a burden to him? Or simply because she saw no point in getting emotional about it? If the former, then Jinshi wouldn't be content until he had done something about this infuriating, cat-like creature."
He shows her he will give her what she needs, he will listen to her when she expresses a fear, a reservation, a want. And that's not something she's had in this particular way before. She's used to being ignored, so Jinshi's ability to push past her outer defenses of nonchalance and ambivalence reveals that she may want things, she may have desires but fear and insecurity often keep her from voicing them. In this way Jinshi's unwillingness to let her be continually evasive is a kindness.
"So I should be clear, should I? Unequivocal? I should say what I mean? If I did, would you actually listen to me? Is that what you're telling me? I'm going to hold you to that! Right this minute. I'll say it all. Don't plug your ears, listen to me!" He grabbed her hands as she was in the process of trying to put her fingers in her ears. He took a breath. He was looking at Maomao, but somehow he seemed almost embarrassed. Finally he managed, "Now listen to me, y- I mean, Maomao! Listen close! I am going to make you my wife!"
"But then, was it any less mad, what Jinshi had been forced to live with? He had the power; he could have done any number of even crazier things. That he had the generosity of heart to listen to Maomao's words made it hard to shout at him now."
This availability and openness is what I’d say is the perfect counter to Maomao’s inner deflective tendencies. In his prodding and affectionate pursuit, he gives her time and the opportunity to open up to someone in a way that feels comfortable to her. It allows her to see that any heartfelt reciprocation will be met with appreciation by the right person. Something even others affirm for her.
"I know you have your circumstances, Miss Maomao. It's important not to get carried away by your emotions! But..." - "You can't let that be an excuse either."
“Maomao, you're very fortunate. This person is clearly very persistent, extremely stubborn, doesn't know when to quit-" - "and is good enough that even you were willing to let him win." Maomao looked down, which was something Joka knew she did when she was trying to hide embarrassment.
So Jinshi truly is the perfect person for Maomao because she doesn’t lack the ability to love, she simply needs someone who can wait for her to express it. Which Jinshi has been able to do because of his growing appreciation of Maomao as a person and willingness to understand her gentle displays of affection that keep him eagerly pursuing her as he can see her sincerity underneath layers of feigned disinterest.
“What she felt for Jinshi was not, she suspected, a burning passion. She couldn't respond to him with the same feelings he brought to her, but at the same time, there weren't that many people in the world with whom she could feel this safe.”
Their love isn’t about one being forceful and the other relenting to it. It’s about one creating a sense of comfort through persistent faithfulness, so the other isn't afraid of expressing emotions they've always had but felt were inadequate or were given no outlet for. By Jinshi giving Maomao a feeling of protection and love beyond what she expects, she can come to the realization that it’s not all a game, some love can be real, honest and selfless 💚
This moment is so important. Because as much as these last two seasons have been building to the Shi clan reveal, they’ve equally been building to the moment Jinshi reveals who he is to Maomao. And this messy, in the middle of a battlefield scenario, blurted out by a soldier is not how he wanted it to go. Ironically though, as we know, Maomao is pretty much already aware of who Jinshi is, this moment just allows her to stop denying the reality. Even though she’s finally confronted with it though, it’s equally important to notice that nothing changes.
She now knows he’s the heir and yet her response is to tease him about his looks. And even when he speaks as the Moon Prince, his authority doesn’t scare her, she doesn’t step away from him or look at him any differently, to me this echoes the sentiment she said during the Hunt, that to her he’ll always be Jinshi. This solidifies the dynamic between them being that while Maomao may be fearful of what Jinshi’s status can mean for her, she’s never fearful of him personally 💚💜
To me what’s so beautiful about Maomao and Jinshi’s relationship is the normalcy of it. People can be “oh they’re freaks together” but no, not really. They have quirks yes, but for them it’s the rhythm they get into together so fast that sets them apart as being clearly meant for one another. It’s what shows that we say love is hard but it isn’t when it’s right. Jinshi makes accommodation for Maomao without much thought because he knows he wants her in his life. Working hard for her is easy in that being with her is the reprieve. For Maomao, she’s found someone who can match her intellect, whom she doesn’t always have to explain her thought processes to and what she needs nor wants. Being with Jinshi means less mental strain because he already understands her sometimes before she even gets to a conclusion. And this is how love should be, not loud, not always big and flashy but just having someone who knows you and someone you’re willing to make the everyday choices for because being with them is the reward in and of itself.
There’s not necessarily a conclusive moment when we know Maomao’s feelings change from ambivalence to friendship to romantic interest. For me though I think her feelings for Jinshi were progressing from attraction to love somewhere around light novels 5-9. Maomao isn’t someone who ever directly says the word “love”, it’s only implied in the strength of her affection or defense of a person. And a moment I really see as pivotal for exemplifying this feeling from her, towards Jinshi, as falling in love is in her comparison to Luomen from light novel 9.
Who was she talking to? She knew Jinshi was standing in front of her, but for some reason she kept seeing Luomen’s face.
Her adoptive father is the only man Maomao has ever felt genuine attachment and love for without voicing it directly. Her respect, concern and daughterly affection for Luomen are some of the only times we see her think genuinely in a fond way of another person or be willing to speak boldly on their behalf. So to compare Jinshi in any way to this man whom she holds in such high regard and consider them similar, that’s huge. Also because of how she’s comparing them.
The principle that drove Jinshi’s behavior seemed very similar to Luomen’s. She was afraid that if he went on like this, he would end up just as luckless in life as her old man.
It has to do with her worry. That Luomen’s kindness ends in his own suffering and Jinshi will be much the same. She’s not comparing them to contrast, she’s comparing them to show how alike they are. Although Jinshi has now stepped into his role as Ka Zuigetsu, he struggles to leave behind all he knew in the rear palace. However, it’s not just due to him being a workaholic, actually he would enjoy far less responsibilities, the reason he still has dealings with his past role is because of the people there and the trust he has established amongst so many. It’s this trait of his, his dependability and willingness to shoulder others troubles that is why Maomao and others close to him know he would be crushed as Emperor. As although he has the acumen to fulfill his duty, he would hold himself responsible for the lives of every individual until it ran him dry.
She discovered, though, that there was something else behind her boiling anger. Her hands went to Jinshi’s cheek. “You’re only human, Master Jinshi. You’re not some mythical immortal who can save everyone.” She held his face in her hands, the fingers of her left hand brushing his scar. “You can be wounded, scarred, brought low. Only human.”
Maomao especially sees similarities to Luomen in this, how he gives charity to others at the apothecary shop where she would charge people. How he spends his mind and health when he’s already worn down. So we notice in these small comparisons that she’s coming to care what happens to Jinshi should he be put in a position where he’d be compromised. Although she wants him to use his position for good, what she truly wants is him to stop burdening himself unnecessarily like her own father. And that, to me, is a show of blossoming love.
She respected Luomen immensely. A man who never lost his kindness no matter what unhappiness he encountered was like a miracle. The price, though, was that his body and his heart were both battered. In time he became so that everything he did, he did in the expectation of defeat. Would Jinshi end up like him one day?
That she’s realizing she fears for Jinshi but also respects him because of the way he is almost breaking himself to help others. Only on the flip side, this is what makes her worry it will be the end of them both. This is where I think we see her falling in love even without expressing it, in comparing him to the one person she’s let down her guard for, the man who raised her. Now Jinshi is the person she’s beginning to see as a different kind of safety, someone worthy of letting past her defenses and her worry is transferring to him.
“Please, please don’t go do anything else like burning a brand into your skin,” Maomao said. “I heard you…the first several times,” Jinshi replied. “Are you sure?” A smile flitted across Maomao’s face, and she slowly pulled her hands away. Except they didn’t leave his cheeks. Jinshi held them there.
It’s a quiet kind of change but she very much acts like a future wife might in this moment, giving loving counsel and advice, mixed with honesty and concern. No, her feelings are not outwardly acknowledged yet nor may they ever be as “love” in the way we expect but to me this is where it began. 💜💚
Was rewatching some of the last Apothecary Diaries episodes and thinking how important it is that so much of Jinshi’s pursuit of Maomao has to do with his dismissal of status. Not denial of its reality but that while they have a gap between them, there’s no reason it cannot be bridged. He never sees her status as an impediment, he barely even considers it when engaging with her, even in the beginning. During that time his consideration of her wasn’t merited, not her wishes, nor respecting her or trying to elevate her in any way. We don’t think about this in society today much and yes, the show is fiction with some stretch of reality but the setting they’re in still shows that status for others and in general does matter, Jinshi just makes the personal choice for it not to.
Instead of seeing her status as a commoner something to overcome in an effort to pursue her, he sees himself as the obstacle, being a prince and not having the ability to make choices that are truly his own without societal consequences. The burden of status is taken away from Maomao (even if she uses it as an excuse) when usually it’s the girl who’s striving to elevate herself in order to be worthy. Here it’s Jinshi who basically says with his actions and words that Maomao is already worthy in every way to be his wife, it’s him who needs to become less of who he is to meet her in a place that’s better for them both. And this isn’t about overcoming the patriarchy or Jinshi being above misogyny, it’s simply that if you see the value in others, you can be content in not needing to be special to stand next to them. For Jinshi, standing next to Maomao as her husband would seem a far better honor than anything he could be as a prince. So although Maomao deflects by putting the focus on status to distract from her own feelings and the truth of Jinshi’s, understandable to a degree given the possible repercussions, it hasn’t changed that Jinshi has never seen her or her place in life as an issue. If anything it’s part of what makes him admire and love her more.
While I’m convinced by the end the desire was actually mutual for something to happen in that cave, that doesn’t change the fact that it likely wasn’t how Jinshi imagined his first romantic moment with MaoMao unfolding. He probably wanted something more genuine.
As for MaoMao, she egged him on and teased him to try and evade listening to him. While she was wrong about why he was upset she knows he is and it does unsettle her. Jinshi’s initiating the apology I think is less about him getting another chance to tell her about his identity and more about reestablishing their dynamic together. We forget that they’re 19 and 18 at this point because they’re two people who’ve had to grow up and haven’t been allowed to act their age, except around each other. That has to be unique for both of them.
By keeping the door shut he’s giving her the safety of expressing herself that she didn’t necessarily have in the cave where they were so close and intimate. He wants her to know she can trust him. This way he knows for sure when she says what she does, about seeing him as Jinshi, without having to, that it’s sincere.
I think the apologies have the desired effect as just after this they’re back to being silly and MaoMao is the one to open the door and thank him for his gift, breaking the disconnect between them in an almost literal way. Their willingness to own up to faults shows growth and concern for how things affect each other personally. It’s developing that relationship beyond what can be gained from it alone and that’s sweet. 💜
